I'm still in the process of figuring out what turns a place into home.
Now I'm supposing that moving into a house with someone and doing bunches of decorating and furniture shopping for it together is an altogether different scenario. That will happen down the road, I hope, but for now I'm on a bit of a different quest: turning my apartment (for one) into home.
After college graduation, I was lucky enough to be able to move out on my own right away. But since then, conditions haven't been quite ideal for really nesting into a place. For one, I've ended up moving once a year - and while diagramming new furniture arrangements is actually quite fun, any roots I've put down in that place (both indoors and the surrounding neighborhood) get abruptly pulled back up again.
Secondly and more importantly, though, is the feel of a room when I'm in it. When I think of a home, I think of coziness, peace, warmth. I want to feel it is a place I could bring together people who are important to me, as well as a place for my own time.
Through noticing the lack of some of these features, I've begun to sense how strongly the decor inspires the feel of the room. And I use 'decor' in the broadest sense; for me, it is mainly the furniture. For quite awhile, my collection felt horribly mismatched - bright college dorm colors clashed with a gray-green couch inherited from a prior roommate and the beautiful dark wood of the bedroom pieces with which I grew up. While I've appreciated not having to pay for a whole new set of furniture to fill my apartment, together they didn't create a comfy atmosphere, an environment that invited me to feel settled. And oddly enough, it bugged me that the collection was obviously in transition from typical college dorm items. I guess I do have some adult instincts after all. :)
In my latest apartment I'm happy to have taken a few steps closer to these goals. My parents recently gave me a very nice living room lamp and I'm just in love with it. Paired with a brilliant new furniture arrangement by my mom, I now have that cozy feeling in my living area. (Well, mostly - I wouldn't mind replacing this couch at some point.) Often now I can't help lighting a candle to accompany me through my quiet evening activities, as there's something special to me about its warmth and flickering glow.
Smaller things make big differences too. A few paintings and a clock decorate the living room walls; a set of colorful cloth coasters is scattered about on tabletops. My parents also brought me my bed comforter from home, for which I traded the neon green and blue one I'd used in college. It gives my bedroom a soft lightness and even complements the colors of the curtains.
I still have a ways to go, I know. But even if my current apartment won't be where I'll live forever, I'm happy to be finding out what makes it really feel like my home.
Showing posts with label about me. Show all posts
Showing posts with label about me. Show all posts
Tuesday, January 29, 2013
Monday, August 1, 2011
music love.
The last... eight? months or so have grown to be a musical explosion in my life. Blues: I've missed the weekly blues dance perhaps three times ever, since I really dove head-first into love with blues dancing last September. And then there was JETLAG: hey, we can do this dancing thing to lounge/world/downtempo/chill music too. DJX taught me we can consider all kinds of music to play with, in joy, silliness, intensity, a deep moment that creates a world between only you and a partner.
Out of this, for listening, the chill/lounge music stole my heart. It can be relaxing - enveloping - comforting - emotional - dark - passionate; it makes you dream, and desire. My journey in it originated with my (also new) love for chill house, building a playlist with artists I knew. From that I split off this list, and thereafter it has grown immensely. I've explored the work of a number of artists I first heard on Pandora, particularly from my station built after Jetlag. Friends have given me leads, occasionally Grooveshark Radio contributes a song I like, and Turntable has opened a few new doors lately.
The world of music is amazing - and if you let it be, overwhelming. There seems to be an endless number of artists I have never heard of, despite my ravenous desire to discover as much in the genres I love as I possibly can. (Sometimes I save so many songs that shuffling through my playlist procures songs I never recall finding - good songs, and thus an extra bit of happiness that I did find them already.)
But! in the vastness is the beauty. There is always more to find. Much of the time I find some music I don't care for, a bunch that is alright, and some that I like. But every now and then, my seeking is rewarded: I find a gem. Less than 20 seconds in, I'm in love. Excitement! And so I save it, harbor it, share it with those who may love it as well... and know that I'll have lasting joy in it.
Out of this, for listening, the chill/lounge music stole my heart. It can be relaxing - enveloping - comforting - emotional - dark - passionate; it makes you dream, and desire. My journey in it originated with my (also new) love for chill house, building a playlist with artists I knew. From that I split off this list, and thereafter it has grown immensely. I've explored the work of a number of artists I first heard on Pandora, particularly from my station built after Jetlag. Friends have given me leads, occasionally Grooveshark Radio contributes a song I like, and Turntable has opened a few new doors lately.
The world of music is amazing - and if you let it be, overwhelming. There seems to be an endless number of artists I have never heard of, despite my ravenous desire to discover as much in the genres I love as I possibly can. (Sometimes I save so many songs that shuffling through my playlist procures songs I never recall finding - good songs, and thus an extra bit of happiness that I did find them already.)
But! in the vastness is the beauty. There is always more to find. Much of the time I find some music I don't care for, a bunch that is alright, and some that I like. But every now and then, my seeking is rewarded: I find a gem. Less than 20 seconds in, I'm in love. Excitement! And so I save it, harbor it, share it with those who may love it as well... and know that I'll have lasting joy in it.
Saturday, July 2, 2011
for nostalgia, posterity, and those who weren't on Facebook in the old days
Recently I have had some friends bug me to quit some of my Facebook groups, because I am maxed out and they cannot invite me to another (new and actually useful) group.
I've finally taken a pass through and removed membership from several, but I held out because every time I looked at my list of groups, I felt it created a patchwork description of who I am: stuff I love, stuff I used to love, ways of life, habits, activities. Back in "the day" - on Facebook's time scale - there wasn't much else to do besides join groups. Half your news feed for the day would be informing you of the 15 new groups your friends joined. You'd have to check them all out, join the ones that applied to you too, and then invite friends who might be interested.
For the most part, groups didn't do anything functional; the largest ones' discussion boards would fill up with stupid games like rating how hot the person who posted just before you was. Instead they were mainly like badges of accomplishment, membership, and opinions.
That said, I have preserved a full list of my Facebook groups, copied here forevermore, dedicated to those friends who could never quite understand my attachment to them. :) (Groups I created/admin'd are in italics.)
"...and you got into Penn?"
5 AP Calulus
100+
2010 Penngineers
:pq:
<3 Cat Macros <3
~*Harry Potter Has Me Under His Spell*~
Adam Sherr: the man, the myth, and the legend!
ADD in DMD
AIM Profile/Away Message checkers anonymous
A little piece of me died with Severus Snape
ALWAYS Sleep- Deprived
Ambiguous hair color/ambiguous eye color, another uncertainty in life
America's Roller Coast: Fans of Cedar Point, Sandusky, Ohio
Another Jamie waiting on her Landon...
Apparently, Michael Jackson and Billie Jean Were Not Lovers
Are you a Model? Oh, no wait, You're the Idiot who got dressed up for class
Atlanta Braves Fans For Life
A Walk to Remember
Badminton is the shit!!
Band Geeks for Life
Boys Are Sketchy...
British Accents Are Awsome
BSE DMD CSE CBE ESE MSE LSD and CRACK
C++
Catholic at Penn
Catholics (Global)
Cedar Drive Middle School Class of '02
Cedar Point=AMAZING!
Central Jersey
Central Jersey is Where It's At
Cereal: Not Just for Breakfast
channing tatum+dance=best movie EVER (aka step up)
Chapstick Addiction
Chips Challenge: The Legions of Melinda
Cinnamon Dolce Latte -Aholics!
Coalition of Students Against the Troubles of Laundry
Colts Neck Alumni in Philadelphia
Colts Neck Athlete Alumni
Colts Neck High School Band(s)
Colts Neck High School Class of '06
COLTS NECK PEOPLE!!!
Computer Programmers
Computer Science
Crazy Loop (Mm-ma-ma)
CSE 110 Lab 204 (Fall '06)
Cuddlebuddies
DDR
Delaware Valley West Coast Swing
Destination: Mae
Digital Media Designers
Dirt Cheap Blues
DMD 2010
Don't Ask Me Where I'm From, Because I'm From a Tiny Town You've Never Heard of
DRL decreases my quality of life
E = Fb : MUSICIAN"S THEORY OF RELETIVITY
Egyptian Ratscrew is addictive and contagious
Every morning I say to myself: "Tonight I'll go to bed Early!!"
Exceptional Residents of E-Section: Stouffer 2007-2008
FaceBook Chat Without A Browser!!!
Facebook Developers
Facebook is Better than MySpace
Figure Skating Fans Unite!
Firefox is far superior to Internet Explorer
Firefox Users
Fork You! We Like To Spoon!
Geek! It's Not Just for Guys -- Female Geeks at Penn
GOBAT
Golden Sun junkies united against alchemy
Groovy dancing in Philly at L'Etage and other venues
Group Work Sucks - My Teammates are Idiots
haha/lol anonymous
Hallmates Who Talk To Each Other Online While Sitting In the Same Room (UPenn Chapter)
Hamilton College House (or High Rise North)
Harry Potter Lovers
Hey, just because I sleep until the afternoon doesn't mean that I'm lazy!
HOKAY, so here's the Earth!
Hoodies Freakin' Rock
How did you get into swing? --my Documentary Collage
I ♥Jack Sparrow
I ♥ Taking Pictures
I'm a "13 Going on 30" fan and proud of it...who's your daddy?
I'm A Fermata...Hold Me
I'm from 732, bitch.
I'm from a Small Town and Proud of it!!
i'm going to have AMAZING sex...after i'm married (penn chapter)
I'm Not Anti-Social.... I'm Just Lazy
I'm Not Your Real Friend, But I Get a Request For You To Be My Facebook Friend?! Get Your Life Right
I'm Tired Of People Fucking Up My Name
I'M TOO LAZY TO GO TO SLEEP :]
I've Been Through The High Rise Wind Tunnel
I <3 Belmar
I <3 My soffe shorts!!!
I am Sexually Attracted to Talent
I beat Chex Quest
I Bet You Can't Pronounce My Last Name
I can't... I'm going dancing tonight.
I Compulsively Check my Facebook and Email just to Avoid my Homework
I didn't have ADHD until I came to college.
I Don't Really Laugh Out Loud When I IM You "LOL"
I dont have time to do Homework... Because I'm in College.
Id Rather Be Skiing!!!
I eat pop-tarts uncooked
I eat too much dessert
If cheerleading is a sport, then by golly so is marching band!
If Facebook reaches 8,146,718,692 stupid theme groups, you're all morons.
If it weren't for DDR, I'd get no exercise at all!
If this group reaches 4,294,967,296 it might cause an integer overflow.
I Fucking Hate Recursion
If you despise groups that say "if this group reaches 100,000 I'll..."
I Have no Life and I'm Proud of It
I know who Visser Three is, and I'm terrified of him.
I Like Someone but I'm Not Doing Anything About It... Except Looking at Their Facebook Profile
I like to wear my lazy/comfy clothes.... And I love it
I Live(d) In A Bubble Town
I Live In New Jersey And I Don't Have That Accent
I Love A Man In A Suit
I love Chick Flicks.
I Love Cold Stone Creamery
I love how we're friends on facebook, but we don't actually talk in person.
I love marching band!!!!!!
I Love Mark Ruffalo !
I love Nicholas Sparks' books
I Love To Tickle, Snuggle, And Cuddle With That One Special Person!
I Make A Wish at 11:11
i make wishes at 11:11
Im a Night Owl
Imogen Heap
Imogen Heap is fabulous. the end.
In central NJ it's called the beach, not "the shore"
I Need Rehab For My Snooze Button Addiction
I Play DDR/ITG/StepMania etc.
I Play Egyptian Ratscrew with Consecutives
I Refer To People By Nicknames They Will Never Know
I Refuse to Gain the Freshman 15
I remember the Animorphs and they were badass!
I spend more time on my cell texting than talking.
I Start My Homework at 2 In the Morning
It's 2 AM, you have class tomorrow, you don't know why the fuck you are awake
It's Not My Fault What You Said Can Be Misconstrued as A Sexual Innuendo
It's Rodin, not hamilton.
I take my CSE notes on paper!
I Trip On the Uneven Bricks
I Tripped On Locust Walk and Tried To Play it off
I Used to Go to Sleep, But Now I Go to College
I used to run home after school and watch Poke'mon!
I used to wear Footy Pajamas. Admit it. You all did.
I use my cell phone as a flashlight
I Use my Cell Phone to See in the Dark
I Use Python And So Should You
I Want to Go to Hogwarts...Which Way to Platform 9 3/4?
I Went To a Good Public School...bitch
I Went To A Public High School.....Bitch (Global Group)
I wish I had an English accent
I wish I were a figure skater ::sigh::
I Wish I Were Your Derivative So I Could Lie Tangent To Your Curves!
I [heart] Alexei Yagudin
Java
Jazz Attack!
Jersey Pride
Johnny Depp and Orlando Bloom make the HOTTEST pirates EVER!!!
Join this group if you've hugged someone in it
Join this if you've played music with someone in it...
Library Shelvers Unite!
LIFE- Let's see how many pro-life people are on facebook.
Life would be much simpler if I didnt think so much.
Locust Walk Pamphlet Dodgers
Love Generation - Worlds best tune!
MACK
Marching Band Is Pretty Kickass
Marching Band Was My Favorite Part Of High School
Musicians Make Better Lovers
Music is my Life
My heart belongs to the Jersey Shore.
My last name is not cool enough to have its own group.
My name is Victoria and no, I will not tell you my "secret."
National Catholic Youth Conference 2005 (NCYC)
Newman $1 Dinner
Newman Catholic Student Center
NJ/NY Upenn 2010'ers
No, I haven't read that great literary classic--But I've seen the Wishbone!
Not Drunk at Penn
NOT Penn State......you dumb bitch
Obsessive Compulsive Facebook Group Joiners
Obsessive LOLers anonymous
Ode to Cracklin' Oat Bran
Of course I love reading....I love reading instant messages
One Body of Christ Experiment (all Christians on Facebook)
Ooh... You Touch My Tra La La
Oregon Trail Was as Much a Part of My Childhood as TGIF
Over Obsessive Stalkers of America
PARANOiA Lovers (and haters)!
Penn '10
Penn Band
Penn Band Camp 2008
Penn Band Clarinets
Penn Band Clarinets ('nets)
Penn Band Undergraduate Event Notices
Penn Career Services' DC/Baltimore Metro Area Network
Penn Career Services' New York Metro Area Network
Penn Career Services' Northern California/Pacific Northwest Network
Penn Career Services' Philadelphia Metro Area/Delaware Valley Network
Penn Career Services' Southern California/Southwest Network
Pennddr
Penn Engineering Alumni
Penn Latin and Ballroom Dance PLBD
Penn Wind Ensemble
People who DON'T clap between movements
People who don't sleep enough because they stay up late for no reason
People Who Hate Going Up c/o 1949 Bridge!!!!
People Who Know the Difference Between Your and You're (Upenn Chapter)
People Who Like Groups Noone Else Has Ever Heard Of
Philadelphia Salsa Connection
Philly Lindy Love
Pidgin - One IM to rule them all!!!
PLBD Summer 2010, Penn Latin Ballroom Dance
POTC 1, 2, and soon to be 3
procrastination is the key to life
Procrastinators Unite.Maybe Today.Probably Tomorow.Hopefully Soon Though
Programming with Python
Pump My Gas
Quotation Mark "Hunters"
Random White Kids in the Middle of a Sea of Asians
Reppin' Monmouth County
Rodin 12th Floor 2008-09
Rodin College House 2008-2009
Sam Hazo is my Hero
Save The Music!!
Scramble Bands of America
SCREW HOMEWORK!!! I HAVE A LIFE TO LIVE
SEAS webmail is.....umm.....technologically superior
Shamelessly Sober
Six Flags Great Adventure
Sleep... it's the new sex
Spooning Club
St. Mary's Young Adults
Students Against Drunken Frat Debauchery
Students for the Relocation of DRL to outside my bedroom window
Students for the Resurrection of the Ancient Art of Dating
Styx
Swashbucklers! Raise Your Swords!!
Sweatpants are awesome!
Texting Addicts Anonymous (TAA)
The Anthony Campisi Fan Club
The band is the reason for Saturday.
The Clarinet Group
The Curse of the Black Pearl is better than Dead Man's Chest
The Father Charlie Fan Club
The Hedvats are Taking over Penn
The Jersey Shore: Where Magic is Made
The Largest Facebook Group Ever
The Lost art of Foosball
The New facebook is stalkerish (what's so bad about that)
The Official Animorphs Nostalgia Group
The Official Class of 2010
The Official Mr. Gatti I'll Bet You A Penny Fan Club
The Sexy Ho-Ditties of Hamilton 1... and Frennie
The Surrogate Profile Of Luke Auld-Thomas
The Vag, and Friends of the Vag Who Love the Vag
The William Ian Eastman Fan Club
The word "gay" is not a synonym for "stupid".
They Can Have My PC… After They Pry it Out of My Cold Dead Fingers
Thriller Dance, anyone?
Top 10 reasons to date a band member - my most successful group. Worth a link.
Tutti i Gobat nel mondo
UPenn Class of 2010 - Living in Philadelphia After Graduation
Verizon free texting!!
wait, theres life outside of band?!
We're not Crazy, We're just Catholic
Westie Wednesday with Rob and Sheila
What is that Mysterious Ticking Noise?...
Whats Wrong With T-shirts?
When I was your age, there were only 150 pokemon.
Who Wears Short Shorts?...I WEAR SHORT SHORTS!
Why Does Every Group End In Bitch?.....bitch.
Why yes, I am music obsessive... Thanks for noticing :)
Yeah, I went to BAND CAMP. And I liked it.
yeah i work/worked at a library
Yeah that's right I don't drink COFFEE
Yes, I want to fix the High Rise Elevators
Yes For Life
You know you're a band dork when...
you know you're a kid from the 90s when...
You know you're from the Jersey Shore when...
I've finally taken a pass through and removed membership from several, but I held out because every time I looked at my list of groups, I felt it created a patchwork description of who I am: stuff I love, stuff I used to love, ways of life, habits, activities. Back in "the day" - on Facebook's time scale - there wasn't much else to do besides join groups. Half your news feed for the day would be informing you of the 15 new groups your friends joined. You'd have to check them all out, join the ones that applied to you too, and then invite friends who might be interested.
For the most part, groups didn't do anything functional; the largest ones' discussion boards would fill up with stupid games like rating how hot the person who posted just before you was. Instead they were mainly like badges of accomplishment, membership, and opinions.
That said, I have preserved a full list of my Facebook groups, copied here forevermore, dedicated to those friends who could never quite understand my attachment to them. :) (Groups I created/admin'd are in italics.)
"...and you got into Penn?"
5 AP Calulus
100+
2010 Penngineers
:pq:
<3 Cat Macros <3
~*Harry Potter Has Me Under His Spell*~
Adam Sherr: the man, the myth, and the legend!
ADD in DMD
AIM Profile/Away Message checkers anonymous
A little piece of me died with Severus Snape
ALWAYS Sleep- Deprived
Ambiguous hair color/ambiguous eye color, another uncertainty in life
America's Roller Coast: Fans of Cedar Point, Sandusky, Ohio
Another Jamie waiting on her Landon...
Apparently, Michael Jackson and Billie Jean Were Not Lovers
Are you a Model? Oh, no wait, You're the Idiot who got dressed up for class
Atlanta Braves Fans For Life
A Walk to Remember
Badminton is the shit!!
Band Geeks for Life
Boys Are Sketchy...
British Accents Are Awsome
BSE DMD CSE CBE ESE MSE LSD and CRACK
C++
Catholic at Penn
Catholics (Global)
Cedar Drive Middle School Class of '02
Cedar Point=AMAZING!
Central Jersey
Central Jersey is Where It's At
Cereal: Not Just for Breakfast
channing tatum+dance=best movie EVER (aka step up)
Chapstick Addiction
Chips Challenge: The Legions of Melinda
Cinnamon Dolce Latte -Aholics!
Coalition of Students Against the Troubles of Laundry
Colts Neck Alumni in Philadelphia
Colts Neck Athlete Alumni
Colts Neck High School Band(s)
Colts Neck High School Class of '06
COLTS NECK PEOPLE!!!
Computer Programmers
Computer Science
Crazy Loop (Mm-ma-ma)
CSE 110 Lab 204 (Fall '06)
Cuddlebuddies
DDR
Delaware Valley West Coast Swing
Destination: Mae
Digital Media Designers
Dirt Cheap Blues
DMD 2010
Don't Ask Me Where I'm From, Because I'm From a Tiny Town You've Never Heard of
DRL decreases my quality of life
E = Fb : MUSICIAN"S THEORY OF RELETIVITY
Egyptian Ratscrew is addictive and contagious
Every morning I say to myself: "Tonight I'll go to bed Early!!"
Exceptional Residents of E-Section: Stouffer 2007-2008
FaceBook Chat Without A Browser!!!
Facebook Developers
Facebook is Better than MySpace
Figure Skating Fans Unite!
Firefox is far superior to Internet Explorer
Firefox Users
Fork You! We Like To Spoon!
Geek! It's Not Just for Guys -- Female Geeks at Penn
GOBAT
Golden Sun junkies united against alchemy
Groovy dancing in Philly at L'Etage and other venues
Group Work Sucks - My Teammates are Idiots
haha/lol anonymous
Hallmates Who Talk To Each Other Online While Sitting In the Same Room (UPenn Chapter)
Hamilton College House (or High Rise North)
Harry Potter Lovers
Hey, just because I sleep until the afternoon doesn't mean that I'm lazy!
HOKAY, so here's the Earth!
Hoodies Freakin' Rock
How did you get into swing? --my Documentary Collage
I ♥Jack Sparrow
I ♥ Taking Pictures
I'm a "13 Going on 30" fan and proud of it...who's your daddy?
I'm A Fermata...Hold Me
I'm from 732, bitch.
I'm from a Small Town and Proud of it!!
i'm going to have AMAZING sex...after i'm married (penn chapter)
I'm Not Anti-Social.... I'm Just Lazy
I'm Not Your Real Friend, But I Get a Request For You To Be My Facebook Friend?! Get Your Life Right
I'm Tired Of People Fucking Up My Name
I'M TOO LAZY TO GO TO SLEEP :]
I've Been Through The High Rise Wind Tunnel
I <3 Belmar
I <3 My soffe shorts!!!
I am Sexually Attracted to Talent
I beat Chex Quest
I Bet You Can't Pronounce My Last Name
I can't... I'm going dancing tonight.
I Compulsively Check my Facebook and Email just to Avoid my Homework
I didn't have ADHD until I came to college.
I Don't Really Laugh Out Loud When I IM You "LOL"
I dont have time to do Homework... Because I'm in College.
Id Rather Be Skiing!!!
I eat pop-tarts uncooked
I eat too much dessert
If cheerleading is a sport, then by golly so is marching band!
If Facebook reaches 8,146,718,692 stupid theme groups, you're all morons.
If it weren't for DDR, I'd get no exercise at all!
If this group reaches 4,294,967,296 it might cause an integer overflow.
I Fucking Hate Recursion
If you despise groups that say "if this group reaches 100,000 I'll..."
I Have no Life and I'm Proud of It
I know who Visser Three is, and I'm terrified of him.
I Like Someone but I'm Not Doing Anything About It... Except Looking at Their Facebook Profile
I like to wear my lazy/comfy clothes.... And I love it
I Live(d) In A Bubble Town
I Live In New Jersey And I Don't Have That Accent
I Love A Man In A Suit
I love Chick Flicks.
I Love Cold Stone Creamery
I love how we're friends on facebook, but we don't actually talk in person.
I love marching band!!!!!!
I Love Mark Ruffalo !
I love Nicholas Sparks' books
I Love To Tickle, Snuggle, And Cuddle With That One Special Person!
I Make A Wish at 11:11
i make wishes at 11:11
Im a Night Owl
Imogen Heap
Imogen Heap is fabulous. the end.
In central NJ it's called the beach, not "the shore"
I Need Rehab For My Snooze Button Addiction
I Play DDR/ITG/StepMania etc.
I Play Egyptian Ratscrew with Consecutives
I Refer To People By Nicknames They Will Never Know
I Refuse to Gain the Freshman 15
I remember the Animorphs and they were badass!
I spend more time on my cell texting than talking.
I Start My Homework at 2 In the Morning
It's 2 AM, you have class tomorrow, you don't know why the fuck you are awake
It's Not My Fault What You Said Can Be Misconstrued as A Sexual Innuendo
It's Rodin, not hamilton.
I take my CSE notes on paper!
I Trip On the Uneven Bricks
I Tripped On Locust Walk and Tried To Play it off
I Used to Go to Sleep, But Now I Go to College
I used to run home after school and watch Poke'mon!
I used to wear Footy Pajamas. Admit it. You all did.
I use my cell phone as a flashlight
I Use my Cell Phone to See in the Dark
I Use Python And So Should You
I Want to Go to Hogwarts...Which Way to Platform 9 3/4?
I Went To a Good Public School...bitch
I Went To A Public High School.....Bitch (Global Group)
I wish I had an English accent
I wish I were a figure skater ::sigh::
I Wish I Were Your Derivative So I Could Lie Tangent To Your Curves!
I [heart] Alexei Yagudin
Java
Jazz Attack!
Jersey Pride
Johnny Depp and Orlando Bloom make the HOTTEST pirates EVER!!!
Join this group if you've hugged someone in it
Join this if you've played music with someone in it...
Library Shelvers Unite!
LIFE- Let's see how many pro-life people are on facebook.
Life would be much simpler if I didnt think so much.
Locust Walk Pamphlet Dodgers
Love Generation - Worlds best tune!
MACK
Marching Band Is Pretty Kickass
Marching Band Was My Favorite Part Of High School
Musicians Make Better Lovers
Music is my Life
My heart belongs to the Jersey Shore.
My last name is not cool enough to have its own group.
My name is Victoria and no, I will not tell you my "secret."
National Catholic Youth Conference 2005 (NCYC)
Newman $1 Dinner
Newman Catholic Student Center
NJ/NY Upenn 2010'ers
No, I haven't read that great literary classic--But I've seen the Wishbone!
Not Drunk at Penn
NOT Penn State......you dumb bitch
Obsessive Compulsive Facebook Group Joiners
Obsessive LOLers anonymous
Ode to Cracklin' Oat Bran
Of course I love reading....I love reading instant messages
One Body of Christ Experiment (all Christians on Facebook)
Ooh... You Touch My Tra La La
Oregon Trail Was as Much a Part of My Childhood as TGIF
Over Obsessive Stalkers of America
PARANOiA Lovers (and haters)!
Penn '10
Penn Band
Penn Band Camp 2008
Penn Band Clarinets
Penn Band Clarinets ('nets)
Penn Band Undergraduate Event Notices
Penn Career Services' DC/Baltimore Metro Area Network
Penn Career Services' New York Metro Area Network
Penn Career Services' Northern California/Pacific Northwest Network
Penn Career Services' Philadelphia Metro Area/Delaware Valley Network
Penn Career Services' Southern California/Southwest Network
Pennddr
Penn Engineering Alumni
Penn Latin and Ballroom Dance PLBD
Penn Wind Ensemble
People who DON'T clap between movements
People who don't sleep enough because they stay up late for no reason
People Who Hate Going Up c/o 1949 Bridge!!!!
People Who Know the Difference Between Your and You're (Upenn Chapter)
People Who Like Groups Noone Else Has Ever Heard Of
Philadelphia Salsa Connection
Philly Lindy Love
Pidgin - One IM to rule them all!!!
PLBD Summer 2010, Penn Latin Ballroom Dance
POTC 1, 2, and soon to be 3
procrastination is the key to life
Procrastinators Unite.Maybe Today.Probably Tomorow.Hopefully Soon Though
Programming with Python
Pump My Gas
Quotation Mark "Hunters"
Random White Kids in the Middle of a Sea of Asians
Reppin' Monmouth County
Rodin 12th Floor 2008-09
Rodin College House 2008-2009
Sam Hazo is my Hero
Save The Music!!
Scramble Bands of America
SCREW HOMEWORK!!! I HAVE A LIFE TO LIVE
SEAS webmail is.....umm.....technologically superior
Shamelessly Sober
Six Flags Great Adventure
Sleep... it's the new sex
Spooning Club
St. Mary's Young Adults
Students Against Drunken Frat Debauchery
Students for the Relocation of DRL to outside my bedroom window
Students for the Resurrection of the Ancient Art of Dating
Styx
Swashbucklers! Raise Your Swords!!
Sweatpants are awesome!
Texting Addicts Anonymous (TAA)
The Anthony Campisi Fan Club
The band is the reason for Saturday.
The Clarinet Group
The Curse of the Black Pearl is better than Dead Man's Chest
The Father Charlie Fan Club
The Hedvats are Taking over Penn
The Jersey Shore: Where Magic is Made
The Largest Facebook Group Ever
The Lost art of Foosball
The New facebook is stalkerish (what's so bad about that)
The Official Animorphs Nostalgia Group
The Official Class of 2010
The Official Mr. Gatti I'll Bet You A Penny Fan Club
The Sexy Ho-Ditties of Hamilton 1... and Frennie
The Surrogate Profile Of Luke Auld-Thomas
The Vag, and Friends of the Vag Who Love the Vag
The William Ian Eastman Fan Club
The word "gay" is not a synonym for "stupid".
They Can Have My PC… After They Pry it Out of My Cold Dead Fingers
Thriller Dance, anyone?
Top 10 reasons to date a band member - my most successful group. Worth a link.
Tutti i Gobat nel mondo
UPenn Class of 2010 - Living in Philadelphia After Graduation
Verizon free texting!!
wait, theres life outside of band?!
We're not Crazy, We're just Catholic
Westie Wednesday with Rob and Sheila
What is that Mysterious Ticking Noise?...
Whats Wrong With T-shirts?
When I was your age, there were only 150 pokemon.
Who Wears Short Shorts?...I WEAR SHORT SHORTS!
Why Does Every Group End In Bitch?.....bitch.
Why yes, I am music obsessive... Thanks for noticing :)
Yeah, I went to BAND CAMP. And I liked it.
yeah i work/worked at a library
Yeah that's right I don't drink COFFEE
Yes, I want to fix the High Rise Elevators
Yes For Life
You know you're a band dork when...
you know you're a kid from the 90s when...
You know you're from the Jersey Shore when...
Thursday, February 3, 2011
love at first...listen
It's a wonderful moment when I'm first listening to a song I haven't heard before (and even better when the artist is new to me too) and I find myself loving it within the first 30 seconds. Or maybe even the first 15. It lifts my mood, gives me joy, makes me excited. There are no questions involved - I know I've found something I'm going to enjoy over and over into the future. Sometimes it strikes me so perfectly that I listen several times in a row, day after day, and each time makes me equally happy.
Monday, August 16, 2010
characteristic #1
I have this staunch belief that I can formulate in the minds of others an all-around ad-hoc idea of who I am if I simply give out little pieces of information. I am also interested in listing these pieces as they come to mind, over some length of time, and then seeing if put together they feel like me.
So here's the first one.
1. When people type the smiley 'XD', I pronounce it every time in my head as the two letters, one after the other: "x - d". I've been reading it this way forever and kind of can't help it now. Nonetheless, I find it cute.
So here's the first one.
1. When people type the smiley 'XD', I pronounce it every time in my head as the two letters, one after the other: "x - d". I've been reading it this way forever and kind of can't help it now. Nonetheless, I find it cute.
Thursday, August 5, 2010
The café addiction
...I have it.
On any number of nights I am tempted strongly enough by the allure of the café to overcome my tendencies to bum the night away in my room and walk 2.7 blocks over to Saxbys. At Penn, I went to Starbucks often to sit and (theoretically) work, and enough times in the mornings before class that the employees knew me and asked how my summer was at the beginning of senior year. Any time I end up in a Starbucks, actually -- wherever it may be -- I feel a bit of a sense of being home. Now, in Philly, I've kind of made it a goal to seek out small independent street corner coffee shops and spend my Sunday afternoons in them.
The café atmosphere has some kind of mental effect on me. It has a peace and calm about it; makes me feel like things can't really go wrong. Stress is lessened somehow, cuz you've got a couple hours of a squishy armchair, warm lighting, relaxing music, and probably a hot drink that'll either prop you awake or take up too much of your daily allotment of calories. Or a muffin -- gosh, I have gotten bad about eating too many muffins. Those and scones. I probably consume one or the other of them on more days of the week than not.
Calories designated unimportant, I sit down with my muffin or my mocha and my laptop, whiling away the time alongside others in front of their own screens or books. We're in our own little worlds, but together in one world as well. And thus the time goes by.
Sometimes I picture my life filled by lazy days, writing and drinking coffee, staring out windows at the world and people-watching as customers flow in and out or join my habitat of the day for a few hours. And my butt will probably hurt often, and I'll still eat too many scones, and the guy at the counter will know my favorite drink. Maybe I'll get brave enough to wear pajama pants occasionally and really cuddle up in a corner for awhile. (Not sure how acceptable pajama pants are as attire worn in public after, like, high school. Perhaps if I'm a known regular at the place...)
Well, it's a dream, anyhow. Someday maybe.
On any number of nights I am tempted strongly enough by the allure of the café to overcome my tendencies to bum the night away in my room and walk 2.7 blocks over to Saxbys. At Penn, I went to Starbucks often to sit and (theoretically) work, and enough times in the mornings before class that the employees knew me and asked how my summer was at the beginning of senior year. Any time I end up in a Starbucks, actually -- wherever it may be -- I feel a bit of a sense of being home. Now, in Philly, I've kind of made it a goal to seek out small independent street corner coffee shops and spend my Sunday afternoons in them.
The café atmosphere has some kind of mental effect on me. It has a peace and calm about it; makes me feel like things can't really go wrong. Stress is lessened somehow, cuz you've got a couple hours of a squishy armchair, warm lighting, relaxing music, and probably a hot drink that'll either prop you awake or take up too much of your daily allotment of calories. Or a muffin -- gosh, I have gotten bad about eating too many muffins. Those and scones. I probably consume one or the other of them on more days of the week than not.
Calories designated unimportant, I sit down with my muffin or my mocha and my laptop, whiling away the time alongside others in front of their own screens or books. We're in our own little worlds, but together in one world as well. And thus the time goes by.
Sometimes I picture my life filled by lazy days, writing and drinking coffee, staring out windows at the world and people-watching as customers flow in and out or join my habitat of the day for a few hours. And my butt will probably hurt often, and I'll still eat too many scones, and the guy at the counter will know my favorite drink. Maybe I'll get brave enough to wear pajama pants occasionally and really cuddle up in a corner for awhile. (Not sure how acceptable pajama pants are as attire worn in public after, like, high school. Perhaps if I'm a known regular at the place...)
Well, it's a dream, anyhow. Someday maybe.
Wednesday, July 7, 2010
Personality evolution?
An interesting exchange occurred tonight with my friend. He mentioned that he would guess I might not get along naturally with some of his other friends, because we have quite different personalities. I really wanted to know why, and he explained that they are more reserved, not so outgoing and interested in partying as me.
This was pretty amazing to hear, because for basically forever, I was much more like he described his friends than the way he described me. Apparently, ever since I met him, I've portrayed a personality much unlike my old(?) characteristics of many years of my life.
I should probably take into account, though, that I nearly always meet him in a dance setting. Such is cue for my general happy behavior, since, well, social dancing is kind of the best thing ever.
This was pretty amazing to hear, because for basically forever, I was much more like he described his friends than the way he described me. Apparently, ever since I met him, I've portrayed a personality much unlike my old(?) characteristics of many years of my life.
I should probably take into account, though, that I nearly always meet him in a dance setting. Such is cue for my general happy behavior, since, well, social dancing is kind of the best thing ever.
Monday, March 8, 2010
When I was little
I thought crutches were cool. I sort of hoped I would break an ankle so I could walk around using them. I even built a pair out of Pipeworks and tried them out in the front yard.
My brothers and I collected Matchbox/Hot Wheels cars. Each one received a name--some as creative as "Box Truck" and "O. Race" (short for "Orange Race"). Some of them were grouped into "gangs", which were simply groups with a leader and a precise order in which they drove around together in a single-file line formation. I drew by hand a large "mat" which included a whole neighborhood with homes, i.e. garages, for each vehicle, as well as destinations like stores with parking lots to which they could travel in groups. Sometimes in the nicer weather we'd draw maps outside on the driveway with chalk and bring all the cars out there.
My parents had a friend from whom we bought (or maybe just received second-hand) an old foosball table. Rather than a sturdy frame like today's tables, this one had aluminum(?) legs and the playing area board sagged towards one side. The provided ball was too large to fit through into the goals, so we substituted bouncy balls. My brother and I had crazy, crazy matches. The table would be skidding all over the floor. Most of the players were no longer fixed properly in place on the rods, and many would end up upside down or shoved into their neighbor amidst gameplay. (We paused after each goal was scored to realign them.) Oh, and we named the players...after the Matchbox cars.
A favorite warm-weather activity was to find a bucket and a paintbrush from the basement, fill the bucket with water, and "paint" the siding of the house.
My parents own a fairly small CD collection. Perhaps the two albums to which I most loved to listen and dance (around the living room) were Michael Jackson's Thriller and Miami Sound Machine's Primitive Love.
I loved dogs. I'd search the newspaper classified listings for dogs that were being given away for free. In fifth grade I did a project that used surveys, statistics compiled from my own readings of dog breed books, and database queries (help from Dad there) to output which dog matched you best. I had my favorite breeds: Labradors, golden retrievers, Dalmatians, beagles. My parents never did take on the responsibility of a dog in our family, but I did walk my neighbors' dog for awhile and--though she was about as lazy a dog as I've ever come across--I loved her too.
I read books all the time. I liked series... Sweet Valley Twins, Animorphs, The Chronicles of Narnia, the Amber Brown books. And there were plenty of other books, in series and not, which I'm sure I forget at the moment.
There's a giant maple tree in my front yard. It's beautiful. I used to climb it and sit in it often. I also found long sticks and collected them by storing them wedged between a split in the branches.
I was totally addicted to computer games. Various titles enjoyed overlapping phases of different lengths in the limelight of interest. Some of my favorites (most played) were: Chex Quest, Roller Coaster Tycoon, Hot Wheels Stunt Track Driver, and KidPix. Others included Tonka Construction, Midnight Rescue, Crayola Art Studio, and a variety of Sim games from City to Copter to Farm. These were of the Windows 95/98 era. On Windows 3.1 I played lots of Tetris and a text-only game, all based on wordplay, known as Nord and Bert Couldn't Make Head or Tail of It. Before the Internet began to swallow all of my computer time, these games were what I would do with it.
In eighth grade I watched Pokémon on TV after school. I've never watched TV much, but this is one show I was pretty faithful about following. I also played the Pokémon board game with my brothers; we'd stretch a single game out across days of playing time so we could build up our arsenals of Pokémon.
I never ever drank coffee. Somehow I thought even the decaf my parents drink would get you addicted, and always warned my brothers of this.
In the park down the road from my house, my town puts on a fireworks display every July 4th. For many of those years I believed they shot off fireworks by pounding a packet of powder with a huge hammer. Hence the "boom" sound was created--logical enough, right?
I built awesome things with Legos and K'Nex. Some of them didn't come from the instruction books!
My family belonged to a couple of pool clubs over some years. The one where we spent most summers was the Holmdel Swim and Tennis Center. There was the "big pool" and the "medium pool", a baby pool, and a diving tank. I was always very slow getting into the cold water, a problem I've carried into my beach days now, of course. But I loved swimming, playing with my brothers, and making those perfect pencil dives to touch the bottom of the 13-foot-deep diving tank.
I sold Girl Scout cookies to my neighbors. Since I showed up every year they all knew the deal already. My mom always accompanied me on the walks. For delivery we'd pile the boxes into the red wagon and pull it around with us.
An odd combination of toy sets my brothers and I used to make was "farm and construction". We had a barn house with various appropriate animals and a farmer and family, and a set of construction vehicles and guys in hard hats. I would make up a storyline as we went and these two sets would interact.
Another strange amusement we came up with was that which we code-named "Suman Huitcase". This was simply a swapping of first letters to refer to "Human Suitcase". It involved putting one of us in the largest family suitcase, zipping it up, and moving the encased person to someplace else in the basement, whereupon they were to guess their new location. Yes, this was a slightly nervewracking experience, but I guess we trusted each other enough.
We used to eat these couple of cereals I really loved--Cracklin' Oat Bran and Just Right--until Mom stopped buying them because she deemed them not healthy enough.
My brothers and I collected Matchbox/Hot Wheels cars. Each one received a name--some as creative as "Box Truck" and "O. Race" (short for "Orange Race"). Some of them were grouped into "gangs", which were simply groups with a leader and a precise order in which they drove around together in a single-file line formation. I drew by hand a large "mat" which included a whole neighborhood with homes, i.e. garages, for each vehicle, as well as destinations like stores with parking lots to which they could travel in groups. Sometimes in the nicer weather we'd draw maps outside on the driveway with chalk and bring all the cars out there.
My parents had a friend from whom we bought (or maybe just received second-hand) an old foosball table. Rather than a sturdy frame like today's tables, this one had aluminum(?) legs and the playing area board sagged towards one side. The provided ball was too large to fit through into the goals, so we substituted bouncy balls. My brother and I had crazy, crazy matches. The table would be skidding all over the floor. Most of the players were no longer fixed properly in place on the rods, and many would end up upside down or shoved into their neighbor amidst gameplay. (We paused after each goal was scored to realign them.) Oh, and we named the players...after the Matchbox cars.
A favorite warm-weather activity was to find a bucket and a paintbrush from the basement, fill the bucket with water, and "paint" the siding of the house.
My parents own a fairly small CD collection. Perhaps the two albums to which I most loved to listen and dance (around the living room) were Michael Jackson's Thriller and Miami Sound Machine's Primitive Love.
I loved dogs. I'd search the newspaper classified listings for dogs that were being given away for free. In fifth grade I did a project that used surveys, statistics compiled from my own readings of dog breed books, and database queries (help from Dad there) to output which dog matched you best. I had my favorite breeds: Labradors, golden retrievers, Dalmatians, beagles. My parents never did take on the responsibility of a dog in our family, but I did walk my neighbors' dog for awhile and--though she was about as lazy a dog as I've ever come across--I loved her too.
I read books all the time. I liked series... Sweet Valley Twins, Animorphs, The Chronicles of Narnia, the Amber Brown books. And there were plenty of other books, in series and not, which I'm sure I forget at the moment.
There's a giant maple tree in my front yard. It's beautiful. I used to climb it and sit in it often. I also found long sticks and collected them by storing them wedged between a split in the branches.
I was totally addicted to computer games. Various titles enjoyed overlapping phases of different lengths in the limelight of interest. Some of my favorites (most played) were: Chex Quest, Roller Coaster Tycoon, Hot Wheels Stunt Track Driver, and KidPix. Others included Tonka Construction, Midnight Rescue, Crayola Art Studio, and a variety of Sim games from City to Copter to Farm. These were of the Windows 95/98 era. On Windows 3.1 I played lots of Tetris and a text-only game, all based on wordplay, known as Nord and Bert Couldn't Make Head or Tail of It. Before the Internet began to swallow all of my computer time, these games were what I would do with it.
In eighth grade I watched Pokémon on TV after school. I've never watched TV much, but this is one show I was pretty faithful about following. I also played the Pokémon board game with my brothers; we'd stretch a single game out across days of playing time so we could build up our arsenals of Pokémon.
I never ever drank coffee. Somehow I thought even the decaf my parents drink would get you addicted, and always warned my brothers of this.
In the park down the road from my house, my town puts on a fireworks display every July 4th. For many of those years I believed they shot off fireworks by pounding a packet of powder with a huge hammer. Hence the "boom" sound was created--logical enough, right?
I built awesome things with Legos and K'Nex. Some of them didn't come from the instruction books!
My family belonged to a couple of pool clubs over some years. The one where we spent most summers was the Holmdel Swim and Tennis Center. There was the "big pool" and the "medium pool", a baby pool, and a diving tank. I was always very slow getting into the cold water, a problem I've carried into my beach days now, of course. But I loved swimming, playing with my brothers, and making those perfect pencil dives to touch the bottom of the 13-foot-deep diving tank.
I sold Girl Scout cookies to my neighbors. Since I showed up every year they all knew the deal already. My mom always accompanied me on the walks. For delivery we'd pile the boxes into the red wagon and pull it around with us.
An odd combination of toy sets my brothers and I used to make was "farm and construction". We had a barn house with various appropriate animals and a farmer and family, and a set of construction vehicles and guys in hard hats. I would make up a storyline as we went and these two sets would interact.
Another strange amusement we came up with was that which we code-named "Suman Huitcase". This was simply a swapping of first letters to refer to "Human Suitcase". It involved putting one of us in the largest family suitcase, zipping it up, and moving the encased person to someplace else in the basement, whereupon they were to guess their new location. Yes, this was a slightly nervewracking experience, but I guess we trusted each other enough.
We used to eat these couple of cereals I really loved--Cracklin' Oat Bran and Just Right--until Mom stopped buying them because she deemed them not healthy enough.
Wednesday, November 4, 2009
I love
falling in love with a new song at first listen
a good hair straightener
long dangling earrings
thursday afternoon with the whole weekend ahead
massages
graphics, designs, and interfaces that are pretty, or slick, or creative
when i successfully follow a guy leading me through a step i don't actually know
salsa parties at Take the Lead
bedgasm (definition 1)
foosball games at Dow Jones. there's nothing like them.
meeting awesome friendly people
shoe shopping
fuzzy socks
cuddling
laughing
long deep conversations
communicating with real people on twitter
the muscle burns after rock climbing
for that matter, climbing a route i didn't think i'd make it through
not waking up to too-early alarms
interesting photography
geeky jokes
bathing suit shopping
chick flicks/romantic comedies
big sweatpants
hugs
pretty fonts
gorgeous weather (warm, sunny, fresh...)
writing a good blog post
great smiles
the view of the city (Philly) at night
the programmer's moment of glory (when you find that key to fixing everything after hours of deep debugging and reworking)
receiving text messages that make me smile or laugh
plaid flannel pajama pants
taking pictures
dancing
...
a good hair straightener
long dangling earrings
thursday afternoon with the whole weekend ahead
massages
graphics, designs, and interfaces that are pretty, or slick, or creative
when i successfully follow a guy leading me through a step i don't actually know
salsa parties at Take the Lead
bedgasm (definition 1)
foosball games at Dow Jones. there's nothing like them.
meeting awesome friendly people
shoe shopping
fuzzy socks
cuddling
laughing
long deep conversations
communicating with real people on twitter
the muscle burns after rock climbing
for that matter, climbing a route i didn't think i'd make it through
not waking up to too-early alarms
interesting photography
geeky jokes
bathing suit shopping
chick flicks/romantic comedies
big sweatpants
hugs
pretty fonts
gorgeous weather (warm, sunny, fresh...)
writing a good blog post
great smiles
the view of the city (Philly) at night
the programmer's moment of glory (when you find that key to fixing everything after hours of deep debugging and reworking)
receiving text messages that make me smile or laugh
plaid flannel pajama pants
taking pictures
dancing
...
Sunday, May 17, 2009
home/going
On Facebook, a friend just asked me what's up. I wrote back: "i'm half moved-out of my room, coming home in a couple of days, in love with dance, and pensive."
There are empty places in my room now where things like framed photos, a rack of wire cubes holding various books and other things, and a big round green chair used to be. Several large boxes (and a bunch of bubble wrap) now reside in a corner of the room; upon one box is a pile of clothes displaced from its prior location on top of the wire cubes. Yeah I've gotten messier in college, but I like that.
The boxes are an obvious reminder of the transition I will complete on Tuesday morning: going back home. Home is great, I've realized. People will say they couldn't wait to get out of their hometowns, or away from their parents or siblings, or what have you. I think my brother can't wait to go off to college this coming fall. But the longer I'm at college, the more I appreciate home. As things are right now, this is the last summer that I will be there with my family for sure. I want to hug everyone; play Guitar Hero; watch chick flicks and go out to brunch and go shopping and chill in Barnes and Noble/Starbucks with my mom; talk and laugh through the unique course of dinner conversation; eat good meals prepared by Mom (man I am so excited for food at home after a year of Wawa and dining-dollar-bought sameness and such); play a game with Dad; play ping pong; claim a mug's worth of hot water when my dad decides to make some tea; wake up and be around the goings-on of a family.
And hell, I have to take this moment. I miss Jersey. Seems like some people don't like New Jersey, and maybe that's only a few people so I don't really know anything about what people think, but I don't care. It's where I was born and raised and before Philly and Penn, before my first time living in a city - which is great by the way - I lived nowhere but Colts Neck. I'm surrounded by neighborhoods of mansions that used to be farms some day a long time ago, high school kids who drive a Lexus to school, a cute and little but nice library where I used to work, the Colts Neck Shopping Center, Delicious Orchards, and driving everywhere you want to go. I miss my mall in the next town over (not that I did ever go there much, and I still don't now), and the movie theater I go to, and strip malls and car dealerships along all the highways. And OH my gosh I can't wait for the beach. Half an hour's drive to the grid of streets, a parallel parking job that I still haven't really learned to do, and a flash of the season badge (um, need to get one) to step onto the hot sand and see the beautiful waves. There is nothing like the physical pleasure of slowly pulling off the top, stepping out of the shorts, and exposing so much skin to the heat of the sun mixed with an occasional airy touch of light wind. Delve into warm laziness.
If I may, permit me to have a summer fantasy for a moment? There's something about the beach - I think it has to do with the hazy warmth contrasted with the cold, the excitement, and the potential for fear that the water imposes. And the nighttime beach has its own magic. The air is still warm enough for shorts, the sand is cool, soft, and expansive, the dark waves are fringed with white and teasingly reach for and pull back from the sand. It's quiet, and dark. In day or night on the beach, my imagination so often includes being with a guy. I want him to hold me against the cold, dive with me through the waves, walk dripping back onto the sand, and lie down side by side under the sun. And the cool night scene is beautifully made for two alone. To pull my mind back to reality, there is an important piece that I lack. I don't know who I would want to be with me there. And so that perfect scene is left a tad unfinished, and I wonder if this summer I might get a try at it.
~
The other half of summer is imminent too. Staying here an extra week has let me push it under a mental rug somewhat, but it's there. Summer is scatter time. We go off to research abroad, jobs in California, family and vacation and work. And all the times with friends over the year coalesce into a surge of meaning, and gratitude, and sadness, in these last few days. I can't appreciate these times enough, and I have a silly little want to go back and relive them, just to make sure I enjoy them as much as I can. Thinking over these memories right now, I am so incredibly happy and thankful for friends. The talks, the laughter, the closeness: I am tempted, at moments like this, to hold those things as more important than anything. And so the beginning of summer is sad because I won't have these people in my life for a (little?) while. I will, probably, find a few friends back home at some point or other, and hope to make a few visit trips, but home friends have also scattered and are living new lives. So I'm holding onto everything that I've loved this year, and being pretty damn glad I've still got senior year left. As one friend pointed out, we're apart for four months - it's not really that bad.
There are empty places in my room now where things like framed photos, a rack of wire cubes holding various books and other things, and a big round green chair used to be. Several large boxes (and a bunch of bubble wrap) now reside in a corner of the room; upon one box is a pile of clothes displaced from its prior location on top of the wire cubes. Yeah I've gotten messier in college, but I like that.
The boxes are an obvious reminder of the transition I will complete on Tuesday morning: going back home. Home is great, I've realized. People will say they couldn't wait to get out of their hometowns, or away from their parents or siblings, or what have you. I think my brother can't wait to go off to college this coming fall. But the longer I'm at college, the more I appreciate home. As things are right now, this is the last summer that I will be there with my family for sure. I want to hug everyone; play Guitar Hero; watch chick flicks and go out to brunch and go shopping and chill in Barnes and Noble/Starbucks with my mom; talk and laugh through the unique course of dinner conversation; eat good meals prepared by Mom (man I am so excited for food at home after a year of Wawa and dining-dollar-bought sameness and such); play a game with Dad; play ping pong; claim a mug's worth of hot water when my dad decides to make some tea; wake up and be around the goings-on of a family.
And hell, I have to take this moment. I miss Jersey. Seems like some people don't like New Jersey, and maybe that's only a few people so I don't really know anything about what people think, but I don't care. It's where I was born and raised and before Philly and Penn, before my first time living in a city - which is great by the way - I lived nowhere but Colts Neck. I'm surrounded by neighborhoods of mansions that used to be farms some day a long time ago, high school kids who drive a Lexus to school, a cute and little but nice library where I used to work, the Colts Neck Shopping Center, Delicious Orchards, and driving everywhere you want to go. I miss my mall in the next town over (not that I did ever go there much, and I still don't now), and the movie theater I go to, and strip malls and car dealerships along all the highways. And OH my gosh I can't wait for the beach. Half an hour's drive to the grid of streets, a parallel parking job that I still haven't really learned to do, and a flash of the season badge (um, need to get one) to step onto the hot sand and see the beautiful waves. There is nothing like the physical pleasure of slowly pulling off the top, stepping out of the shorts, and exposing so much skin to the heat of the sun mixed with an occasional airy touch of light wind. Delve into warm laziness.
If I may, permit me to have a summer fantasy for a moment? There's something about the beach - I think it has to do with the hazy warmth contrasted with the cold, the excitement, and the potential for fear that the water imposes. And the nighttime beach has its own magic. The air is still warm enough for shorts, the sand is cool, soft, and expansive, the dark waves are fringed with white and teasingly reach for and pull back from the sand. It's quiet, and dark. In day or night on the beach, my imagination so often includes being with a guy. I want him to hold me against the cold, dive with me through the waves, walk dripping back onto the sand, and lie down side by side under the sun. And the cool night scene is beautifully made for two alone. To pull my mind back to reality, there is an important piece that I lack. I don't know who I would want to be with me there. And so that perfect scene is left a tad unfinished, and I wonder if this summer I might get a try at it.
~
The other half of summer is imminent too. Staying here an extra week has let me push it under a mental rug somewhat, but it's there. Summer is scatter time. We go off to research abroad, jobs in California, family and vacation and work. And all the times with friends over the year coalesce into a surge of meaning, and gratitude, and sadness, in these last few days. I can't appreciate these times enough, and I have a silly little want to go back and relive them, just to make sure I enjoy them as much as I can. Thinking over these memories right now, I am so incredibly happy and thankful for friends. The talks, the laughter, the closeness: I am tempted, at moments like this, to hold those things as more important than anything. And so the beginning of summer is sad because I won't have these people in my life for a (little?) while. I will, probably, find a few friends back home at some point or other, and hope to make a few visit trips, but home friends have also scattered and are living new lives. So I'm holding onto everything that I've loved this year, and being pretty damn glad I've still got senior year left. As one friend pointed out, we're apart for four months - it's not really that bad.
Friday, February 27, 2009
thoughtstream 1
I have such conflicting interests. My body needs sleep (really, really badly..) but my mind doesn't want to give up on this day yet; I haven't accomplished enough to pass that line at which I can go to sleep satisfied with what I did (though when do I ever reach that point anyway?).
The 320 (algorithms) exam was seriously my worst exam experience ever. I never felt so helpless looking at problems before. To not be able to even start, or formulate like half an idea, felt pathetic. I gave up mentally way before I ran out of time. The few others I've talked to came out with similarly bad feelings on it, but I doubt any of them left as much blank as I did. I should try to get 100s on everything from now on in that class. (But is that even possible?)
I think part of my reluctance to work might be that I sit at my desk for so much time that I'm actually just sick of being in this spot. In one of Ted's tweets he said he was going to work in the rooftop lounge. I'm thinking I should try working there, or in Starbucks, or even in the library (which would be a first for me). I think of "The Publick Cup" - the coffee shop by the Yale campus where Rebecca and I spent the afternoon on the Saturday of the Yale/Brown band roadtrip. The atmosphere put me in the most pleasant mood the whole time. I also think daylight helps.. So maybe I will try working in Starbucks (in Commons, or the 34th/Walnut one might be a good change as well; I love the upstairs part) or the rooftop lounge. Anything to help my work efficiency and focus is a good thing...
Dance:
This time there were more than twice as many girls as guys, but actually it turned out to be alright. I'm really starting to like that one guy who's usually there; he's really friendly and easy to joke around with when we're both not quite sure we're doing it right. He definitely helped make the lesson fun for me tonight. I wish I knew his name. Also, the instructor was one I hadn't met before - Gene - and...eh, he seemed to focus a little less on form and more on teaching us steps than Christy or Wendi. I liked the traveling step we did in waltz, and I'm happy we did some tango, since I'm out of practice with it. That gaucho move was hilarious, but I'm thinking someday instead of laughing at its initially-seeming awkwardness, I'm going to really enjoy it. Also:
1) I danced with Aaron for the last tango sequence and of course, still felt a bit awkward sometimes. ugh.
2) I want ballroom heels. They would be good practice I'm sure, and if I compete (?...!) I'm sure I'd need a pair anyway. Unfortunately,
3) Those shoes would make me even taller. They'd probably make me taller than a few more of the guys. Sometimes I wish I was a cute short height.
4) As usual, Colin was oh-so-nicely dressed. If I remember right, tonight was an argyle sweater vest. Seriously, he has such style. I want to do something like take a picture of him and send it in to a fashion blog.
I walked the five blocks back after dance quite slowly while listening to one of the songs on Kenny G's Rhythm & Romance album - I think it was the [kind of] title track. Somehow, the music was perfect for Locust Walk in the night. It wasn't too cold out, so I kind of made it into a nice stroll. When I got back, I was tired enough that I didn't think I could really do work, and all I wanted was cuddling and a movie. Neither of those were fulfilled, and I didn't do anything, just spent some time sitting and feeling sad. There's a lot of comfort in physical closeness to another human being, I think, and that's probably why I want it so much when I'm tired like this. ... I have to thank David though, who noticed from my Pidgin status that I seemed kind of down and invited me to hang out if I wanted. :)
Running into Dan while I was with Tatini at Commons made me think again that we (Tatini and whoever included, if they want) really need to hang out more. I hardly get to talk to Dan - maybe just at the beginning of 320 since a bunch of us are usually there a little early. I feel a little like I could be losing him, which is quite sad.
I am eating too many scones and muffins and other such things and substituting them for actual meals. I doubt this is good. I also want to eat at all random times these days. Damnit, I don't want to add to my stomach.
Phillip wasn't at either of the team lessons this week, so I texted him saying "where've you been" and now he thinks "someone has been missing me a lot". Uhh, or that's just what he wants to think. I missed him a little though.
While I was trying get my thinking going and produce anything of value on the 320 exam today, I realized I had a compilation of songs from my Pandora station going through my head constantly. I guess I'm listening to it too much. Maybe it's more distracting than I think, as well, but it would feel so empty for me to try to do homework in silence.
How do you become friends with someone? Usually I don't even think about this because it happens by itself. It also seems to purposefully not-happen all by itself just as naturally. I want to break that pattern, but I'd have to be not so shy as I have been, to do that.
Xav is so cute. I was heading out of the lobby and he was just coming in, so he jumps over in front of me to catch my attention and gives me a hug. :) (I think I would like the friendliness that seems to be more of a social norm in Europe. Or at least that's my uneducated perception of it.) I was telling him a bit about how I joined team and what the team lessons are like, and I feel bad that every couple of sentences I have to say "hmm?" because I didn't catch what he said, with his French accent. Anyway he doesn't seem to mind. I definitely need to figure out when we can go to Chris's again, because he even asked me on a Facebook comment and it's just too adorable of a night to pass up.
I want to go shopping - clothes, shoes, earrings. It's girly of me, I know, but I embrace that.
I think I might read (for fun, not school) before I go to sleep...it's relaxing.
The 320 (algorithms) exam was seriously my worst exam experience ever. I never felt so helpless looking at problems before. To not be able to even start, or formulate like half an idea, felt pathetic. I gave up mentally way before I ran out of time. The few others I've talked to came out with similarly bad feelings on it, but I doubt any of them left as much blank as I did. I should try to get 100s on everything from now on in that class. (But is that even possible?)
I think part of my reluctance to work might be that I sit at my desk for so much time that I'm actually just sick of being in this spot. In one of Ted's tweets he said he was going to work in the rooftop lounge. I'm thinking I should try working there, or in Starbucks, or even in the library (which would be a first for me). I think of "The Publick Cup" - the coffee shop by the Yale campus where Rebecca and I spent the afternoon on the Saturday of the Yale/Brown band roadtrip. The atmosphere put me in the most pleasant mood the whole time. I also think daylight helps.. So maybe I will try working in Starbucks (in Commons, or the 34th/Walnut one might be a good change as well; I love the upstairs part) or the rooftop lounge. Anything to help my work efficiency and focus is a good thing...
Dance:
This time there were more than twice as many girls as guys, but actually it turned out to be alright. I'm really starting to like that one guy who's usually there; he's really friendly and easy to joke around with when we're both not quite sure we're doing it right. He definitely helped make the lesson fun for me tonight. I wish I knew his name. Also, the instructor was one I hadn't met before - Gene - and...eh, he seemed to focus a little less on form and more on teaching us steps than Christy or Wendi. I liked the traveling step we did in waltz, and I'm happy we did some tango, since I'm out of practice with it. That gaucho move was hilarious, but I'm thinking someday instead of laughing at its initially-seeming awkwardness, I'm going to really enjoy it. Also:
1) I danced with Aaron for the last tango sequence and of course, still felt a bit awkward sometimes. ugh.
2) I want ballroom heels. They would be good practice I'm sure, and if I compete (?...!) I'm sure I'd need a pair anyway. Unfortunately,
3) Those shoes would make me even taller. They'd probably make me taller than a few more of the guys. Sometimes I wish I was a cute short height.
4) As usual, Colin was oh-so-nicely dressed. If I remember right, tonight was an argyle sweater vest. Seriously, he has such style. I want to do something like take a picture of him and send it in to a fashion blog.
I walked the five blocks back after dance quite slowly while listening to one of the songs on Kenny G's Rhythm & Romance album - I think it was the [kind of] title track. Somehow, the music was perfect for Locust Walk in the night. It wasn't too cold out, so I kind of made it into a nice stroll. When I got back, I was tired enough that I didn't think I could really do work, and all I wanted was cuddling and a movie. Neither of those were fulfilled, and I didn't do anything, just spent some time sitting and feeling sad. There's a lot of comfort in physical closeness to another human being, I think, and that's probably why I want it so much when I'm tired like this. ... I have to thank David though, who noticed from my Pidgin status that I seemed kind of down and invited me to hang out if I wanted. :)
Running into Dan while I was with Tatini at Commons made me think again that we (Tatini and whoever included, if they want) really need to hang out more. I hardly get to talk to Dan - maybe just at the beginning of 320 since a bunch of us are usually there a little early. I feel a little like I could be losing him, which is quite sad.
I am eating too many scones and muffins and other such things and substituting them for actual meals. I doubt this is good. I also want to eat at all random times these days. Damnit, I don't want to add to my stomach.
Phillip wasn't at either of the team lessons this week, so I texted him saying "where've you been" and now he thinks "someone has been missing me a lot". Uhh, or that's just what he wants to think. I missed him a little though.
While I was trying get my thinking going and produce anything of value on the 320 exam today, I realized I had a compilation of songs from my Pandora station going through my head constantly. I guess I'm listening to it too much. Maybe it's more distracting than I think, as well, but it would feel so empty for me to try to do homework in silence.
How do you become friends with someone? Usually I don't even think about this because it happens by itself. It also seems to purposefully not-happen all by itself just as naturally. I want to break that pattern, but I'd have to be not so shy as I have been, to do that.
Xav is so cute. I was heading out of the lobby and he was just coming in, so he jumps over in front of me to catch my attention and gives me a hug. :) (I think I would like the friendliness that seems to be more of a social norm in Europe. Or at least that's my uneducated perception of it.) I was telling him a bit about how I joined team and what the team lessons are like, and I feel bad that every couple of sentences I have to say "hmm?" because I didn't catch what he said, with his French accent. Anyway he doesn't seem to mind. I definitely need to figure out when we can go to Chris's again, because he even asked me on a Facebook comment and it's just too adorable of a night to pass up.
I want to go shopping - clothes, shoes, earrings. It's girly of me, I know, but I embrace that.
I think I might read (for fun, not school) before I go to sleep...it's relaxing.
Sunday, February 15, 2009
text message 1
sent: jan 26, 4:41pm
from: me
"Lol i tend to separate liking someone from acting on it. Not that i really act anyway. I respect relationships but could still like a taken guy."
from: me
"Lol i tend to separate liking someone from acting on it. Not that i really act anyway. I respect relationships but could still like a taken guy."
Sunday, January 25, 2009
length of post is not in proportion to enjoyment of subject
Today was the first day of this quarter of the social lessons run by PLBD. I think I forgot how much I really like dance. When I go, I'm friendly, I chat with people, smile a lot, joke around... A lot of it's probably because I can't help but be in such a good mood there. And there's almost always a bit of awkwardness mixed in, especially in the earlier weeks when we don't know what we're doing, and we don't know each other, etc. But that helps cuz most of us are in the same boat. And for some reason, people that dance just seem to generally be friendly. I get to move, to music, with someone else. Plus Garincha is just so completely awesome; he is funny and makes it so much fun with his personality. I just love it. It makes life good.
Oh yeah, and today, we danced hustle to What is Love and Pump up the Jam. somuchfunnnn :D
I need to go social dancing moreeeee.
Oh yeah, and today, we danced hustle to What is Love and Pump up the Jam. somuchfunnnn :D
I need to go social dancing moreeeee.
Wednesday, January 21, 2009
crazy, again
I've been hooked on the music these days. It's what I want to listen to in the morning when I'm getting ready for the day. And I want it at night too, which is probably not the best idea for concentrating on the work I should be doing. It has moved me into a genre I hadn't tested out much before, but as always I am happy about this musical expansion. And I'm even finding enjoyable variations among the three albums I downloaded.
At first it was just about the music. That's probably how I usually start listening to something a lot, anyway. Now, though, I'm starting to notice the lyrics. Somehow they keep taking me back. They want to offer explanations, they put my emotions into words; they tell me the story I've got in my head. I don't suppose this helps, in any way, the notion of getting this unfinished story out of my head.
People - friends - are telling me this is what I need to do. The story was cut off, a bit harshly, and trying to pick it up is not what I should do. They tell me I'm better off this way. I'm not going to flat-out contradict them, because their logic makes sense. I've also been on the other side of the disconnection process, so I remember the way it finally worked. I guess I could do it; in fact, I was even kind of on the path...
The music's crazy: it's my life, right now. The irony leads to that beautiful, familiar bittersweet emotional taste. That's the problem. The bitter part should make me want to give it up. The sweet part, though, is powerfully there. And - as I've been through before - the bitter part has a strange attraction as well. I think I might know why: as long as I'm living the bitter part together with the sweet, it means I haven't given up totally. I'm going to survive on through it, against the clearer path of letting go, because this path is too special to give up yet.
I lean over close to my window, balancing with a hand on the heater. To the right are the changing-color lights and below's the diner. I breathe onto the cold of the window, obscuring the view. Like the circle of condensation on the window, things aren't clear. I know I hold on. I know I have bad nostalgia sessions. I know of the attraction of the bittersweet situation. These are my tendencies. Even with these factors, my mind is defying my own sensible logic. I didn't know for sure, I jumped in maybe a bit lightly. When I tell others I will summarize by the quintessential moments, but there were probably at least as many times that weren't like those - and just as I'm trying to argue why I shouldn't still be so gripped, the opposite reasons flood into mind. So I try to counter them with further logic. Time is supposed to create distance, right? Thinking relatively, there should easily be enough time now to have created enough distance. That argument, of course, cracks, threatens to explode to pieces, when the distance is removed in a few hours' time.
In this circle of logic I get sometimes get stuck, but probably more often I give in. I don't try to combat the good reasons with the push-away ones. I go down this path and my mind becomes enthralled again. Then I step back, seeing that this level of entanglement might actually be pretty crazy. Here's where arguments of whatever kind fall to the background: on their own, the inputs and outputs just don't make sense with each other. Probably I'm increasing the outputs by my own thoughts. Even this is an example. I don't think I can find an answer, at least not the way things are right now, and so I've gone on putting here what I feel and think, but I doubt I've "gotten" anywhere.
As much as it engulfs me, now and so many times these days, sometimes the want comes to mind for it never to have happened this way.
But how can I deny that path of events?
--
I would add lyrics... but there are just too many coming at me all at once.
At first it was just about the music. That's probably how I usually start listening to something a lot, anyway. Now, though, I'm starting to notice the lyrics. Somehow they keep taking me back. They want to offer explanations, they put my emotions into words; they tell me the story I've got in my head. I don't suppose this helps, in any way, the notion of getting this unfinished story out of my head.
People - friends - are telling me this is what I need to do. The story was cut off, a bit harshly, and trying to pick it up is not what I should do. They tell me I'm better off this way. I'm not going to flat-out contradict them, because their logic makes sense. I've also been on the other side of the disconnection process, so I remember the way it finally worked. I guess I could do it; in fact, I was even kind of on the path...
The music's crazy: it's my life, right now. The irony leads to that beautiful, familiar bittersweet emotional taste. That's the problem. The bitter part should make me want to give it up. The sweet part, though, is powerfully there. And - as I've been through before - the bitter part has a strange attraction as well. I think I might know why: as long as I'm living the bitter part together with the sweet, it means I haven't given up totally. I'm going to survive on through it, against the clearer path of letting go, because this path is too special to give up yet.
I lean over close to my window, balancing with a hand on the heater. To the right are the changing-color lights and below's the diner. I breathe onto the cold of the window, obscuring the view. Like the circle of condensation on the window, things aren't clear. I know I hold on. I know I have bad nostalgia sessions. I know of the attraction of the bittersweet situation. These are my tendencies. Even with these factors, my mind is defying my own sensible logic. I didn't know for sure, I jumped in maybe a bit lightly. When I tell others I will summarize by the quintessential moments, but there were probably at least as many times that weren't like those - and just as I'm trying to argue why I shouldn't still be so gripped, the opposite reasons flood into mind. So I try to counter them with further logic. Time is supposed to create distance, right? Thinking relatively, there should easily be enough time now to have created enough distance. That argument, of course, cracks, threatens to explode to pieces, when the distance is removed in a few hours' time.
In this circle of logic I get sometimes get stuck, but probably more often I give in. I don't try to combat the good reasons with the push-away ones. I go down this path and my mind becomes enthralled again. Then I step back, seeing that this level of entanglement might actually be pretty crazy. Here's where arguments of whatever kind fall to the background: on their own, the inputs and outputs just don't make sense with each other. Probably I'm increasing the outputs by my own thoughts. Even this is an example. I don't think I can find an answer, at least not the way things are right now, and so I've gone on putting here what I feel and think, but I doubt I've "gotten" anywhere.
As much as it engulfs me, now and so many times these days, sometimes the want comes to mind for it never to have happened this way.
But how can I deny that path of events?
--
I would add lyrics... but there are just too many coming at me all at once.
Saturday, December 27, 2008
Hahaha I'm a gudgeon
Thanks to Koosh for sending out this "word of the day" to Oxymoron (the Penn Band's random-discussion email listserve). The second definition is "a gullible person". O:-) Not always the best trait to have, but it does make for some funny moments. :D
Sunday, September 7, 2008
[something about this night just feels so good]
so i was walking a bit outside tonight, just over to beijing and then to starbucks and then back to rodin... and the air felt so amazing. i was wearing shorts and a t-shirt, and it was probably around 75 degrees out. the air felt clean and clear, just playing along the border of chilly - enough to be thoroughly refreshing. i felt open and comfortable just letting this perfect night air soak into my skin.
then i got up to my room, and.. most of my view is just the radian, but even so, it looks better at night, and to the right is more of the city. the large windows let the beautiful night expand into the space of my room and i just lay on my bed looking out on it all. i couldn't even turn on lights for awhile; i didn't want to lose the special feeling.
but whenever i have these moments of night rapture, they also bring up a little longing. the way it all feels, it just seems like i should have somebody special with me. someone to walk with, lay down with, and gaze with. to share the feeling with. the strange part is this: i can't seem to figure out who exactly i want that person to be. my thoughts jump around, somewhat at random, from one somebody to another, but never landing on one that feels completely right. so i avoid the pain of specific loneliness, yet feel the frustration of not being able to focus energy.
just listened to a hed kandi song, from the summer 2008 mix album, called "be with you"...
kinda feels right.
this post is labeled with the time i had these thoughts, though written hours later.
then i got up to my room, and.. most of my view is just the radian, but even so, it looks better at night, and to the right is more of the city. the large windows let the beautiful night expand into the space of my room and i just lay on my bed looking out on it all. i couldn't even turn on lights for awhile; i didn't want to lose the special feeling.
but whenever i have these moments of night rapture, they also bring up a little longing. the way it all feels, it just seems like i should have somebody special with me. someone to walk with, lay down with, and gaze with. to share the feeling with. the strange part is this: i can't seem to figure out who exactly i want that person to be. my thoughts jump around, somewhat at random, from one somebody to another, but never landing on one that feels completely right. so i avoid the pain of specific loneliness, yet feel the frustration of not being able to focus energy.
just listened to a hed kandi song, from the summer 2008 mix album, called "be with you"...
kinda feels right.
this post is labeled with the time i had these thoughts, though written hours later.
Friday, July 25, 2008
To do list for life
Things I want to do sometime in my life, in whatever order I come up with them. To be appended to whenever I think of more. :) ...recommendations welcome too.
Ok so it's a work in progress.
- go jetskiing
- learn php
- kiss in the rain
- go somewhere tropical
- learn to play guitar
- go skinnydipping
- go to a west coast beach (compare to east coast)
- ride on the back of a motorcycle
- code a facebook app
- learn to play piano
- go skydiving (assuming I don't die or something)
- attend a Hed Kandi party
- compose something [good]... maybe for clarinet, maybe for concert band
- create artwork, some digital and some not, that I am happy with
- (from Cindy:) attend a college party (so far, I "sort of" have...)
- stop being so shy/be more outgoing
- do something "crazy" enough to be worthy of telling Matt about. (what should it be??)
- have a long phone conversation sometime in the middle of the night
Ok so it's a work in progress.
Friday, July 18, 2008
I am going to explode
It has been 7 hours since I last ate something but I've already been home for an hour and haven't eaten anything. That's about how much this is consuming my mind. And when I say "this", I mean "he".
It's a complicated situation, really; before I got into it, I imagined that if I got into it, it would be difficult. Of course in the first place there is me to deal with. How many times have I been right next to him, our time together going on, supposedly what I look forward to so much, but I get so tied up with all my worry and fear that it all just strangles me? Thinking about it now, outside the moment, I can't even understand what I'm so afraid of. Maybe this is one reason it might be a stupid endeavor. I just want to be comfortable. I just want to be me, because if I want him to like me and like being around me, I don't want to be holding things back.
Sometimes, sometimes, it works. I'm telling him some story and I know he's listening cuz he has that look, interested and right in the moment with me. Or some little thing or other happens, and I make a little joke about it, which starts us laughing, and then one of us makes another joke off of that, and we just laugh even harder on top of it all. Then I relax a little because we shared something fun, something that feels good.
I think there's only been one time we've stepped past the line of little jokes and related funny stories to have a little bit more of a serious conversation. I think it took me slightly by surprise when he started it with a question, but it felt good... And I love laughing, I really really do, but I want this so much too. I want to just talk about what we think... But it seems so hard. I don't know a whole lot, but my life and his (and he and I) are so different. My knowledge, my experiences must encompass only a small fraction of his. I feel restricted and he looks free to me. How can my life be of interest to talk about? How can I be of interest? Well if I can't talk about things I do, I'd like to talk about things I think about... I want to try to give who I am, since I guess that's all I really have.
And then... there are these most dangerous little moments: we touch. It's happenstance. I'm laughing, we're going up the stairs, and he doesn't want me to fall, and he kind of has his arm there in case, and it brushes mine a few times. He reaches across my arm to get to the keyboard. My earring falls out and he puts it back in for me. His puts his hand on my knee, for a second.
...
Then my mind takes over, turns life into a movie. I trip over my shoes and the fall lands me halfway into his arms, and I get to stay there a little longer... Or our hands touch, and catch, and stay together. Or we're laughing really hard, then while we're recovering, I lean over and just kiss him. Okay yeah, basically every scenario leads to kissing, because somehow I can't stop them from coming to mind. I say "movie" because these things would be much more likely to happen in a movie than in my real life.
And just to make it all 10 times worse, the situation that I'm in draws its no-cross line exactly at the line whose crossing would indicate an interest between us... So I go on every day, wondering if he might want to cross that line, if the situation were different. Wishing I was free to cross it, if I could ever get the courage. Trying, if the chances arise, to step just a little closer, and see what happens, how he reacts. Attempting to discern if possibly he's on the other side of this barrier wanting the same thing, not that I could really think well enough of myself to assume it.
The worst thing is... I'm not sure why I want it all so much. Is it just this enticing game, something with which I can try to push the limits, this little bit of excitement I can hold onto and let it make me crazy? In the beginning, it seemed that we could talk easily, but now there are plenty of times it seems neither of us can think of anything to say. That's always awkward for me. Conversing easily and eventually meaningfully is one of the things I value most in a relationship with somebody (I mean any kind of relationship, friends as well); for sure, I want that with him, but it's not exactly happening naturally. Still, it bothers me every time I feel like I've regressed. But to get back to the point, if talking doesn't really flow with him, then why do I still "want" him so much? (..whatever "want" entails.) Is it a combination of just wanting to kiss someone and being attracted to him? ..I don't like thinking I'm caught up in such a shallow level of feelings, but I suppose I am human which makes it totally possible.
Okay...where have I gotten with all of this? I want and don't really know why but can't have anyway. Things happen every day, my mood soars or dives accordingly. I analyze and worry and wonder and regret and hope and act giddy and basically, go crazy. And I don't exactly want to rush my summer past, but I want so badly to know what might happen in a certain future moment that could be my only chance to find out some answers to all this wondering..
It's a complicated situation, really; before I got into it, I imagined that if I got into it, it would be difficult. Of course in the first place there is me to deal with. How many times have I been right next to him, our time together going on, supposedly what I look forward to so much, but I get so tied up with all my worry and fear that it all just strangles me? Thinking about it now, outside the moment, I can't even understand what I'm so afraid of. Maybe this is one reason it might be a stupid endeavor. I just want to be comfortable. I just want to be me, because if I want him to like me and like being around me, I don't want to be holding things back.
Sometimes, sometimes, it works. I'm telling him some story and I know he's listening cuz he has that look, interested and right in the moment with me. Or some little thing or other happens, and I make a little joke about it, which starts us laughing, and then one of us makes another joke off of that, and we just laugh even harder on top of it all. Then I relax a little because we shared something fun, something that feels good.
I think there's only been one time we've stepped past the line of little jokes and related funny stories to have a little bit more of a serious conversation. I think it took me slightly by surprise when he started it with a question, but it felt good... And I love laughing, I really really do, but I want this so much too. I want to just talk about what we think... But it seems so hard. I don't know a whole lot, but my life and his (and he and I) are so different. My knowledge, my experiences must encompass only a small fraction of his. I feel restricted and he looks free to me. How can my life be of interest to talk about? How can I be of interest? Well if I can't talk about things I do, I'd like to talk about things I think about... I want to try to give who I am, since I guess that's all I really have.
And then... there are these most dangerous little moments: we touch. It's happenstance. I'm laughing, we're going up the stairs, and he doesn't want me to fall, and he kind of has his arm there in case, and it brushes mine a few times. He reaches across my arm to get to the keyboard. My earring falls out and he puts it back in for me. His puts his hand on my knee, for a second.
...
Then my mind takes over, turns life into a movie. I trip over my shoes and the fall lands me halfway into his arms, and I get to stay there a little longer... Or our hands touch, and catch, and stay together. Or we're laughing really hard, then while we're recovering, I lean over and just kiss him. Okay yeah, basically every scenario leads to kissing, because somehow I can't stop them from coming to mind. I say "movie" because these things would be much more likely to happen in a movie than in my real life.
And just to make it all 10 times worse, the situation that I'm in draws its no-cross line exactly at the line whose crossing would indicate an interest between us... So I go on every day, wondering if he might want to cross that line, if the situation were different. Wishing I was free to cross it, if I could ever get the courage. Trying, if the chances arise, to step just a little closer, and see what happens, how he reacts. Attempting to discern if possibly he's on the other side of this barrier wanting the same thing, not that I could really think well enough of myself to assume it.
The worst thing is... I'm not sure why I want it all so much. Is it just this enticing game, something with which I can try to push the limits, this little bit of excitement I can hold onto and let it make me crazy? In the beginning, it seemed that we could talk easily, but now there are plenty of times it seems neither of us can think of anything to say. That's always awkward for me. Conversing easily and eventually meaningfully is one of the things I value most in a relationship with somebody (I mean any kind of relationship, friends as well); for sure, I want that with him, but it's not exactly happening naturally. Still, it bothers me every time I feel like I've regressed. But to get back to the point, if talking doesn't really flow with him, then why do I still "want" him so much? (..whatever "want" entails.) Is it a combination of just wanting to kiss someone and being attracted to him? ..I don't like thinking I'm caught up in such a shallow level of feelings, but I suppose I am human which makes it totally possible.
Okay...where have I gotten with all of this? I want and don't really know why but can't have anyway. Things happen every day, my mood soars or dives accordingly. I analyze and worry and wonder and regret and hope and act giddy and basically, go crazy. And I don't exactly want to rush my summer past, but I want so badly to know what might happen in a certain future moment that could be my only chance to find out some answers to all this wondering..
Thursday, July 17, 2008
Regrets
I guess I have several of what I might classify as "major" regrets, which I've been collecting since at least as far back as 8th grade. Stuff I did and said that I wish I had just held back. Stuff I didn't do because I made the decision too fast, and then the moment was over, and it was too late when I figured out that I'd picked the wrong option. Stuff I couldn't make myself say because I was too scared. And then, when I come to my senses, I start worrying, because worrying is what I do. Perhaps the worst thing about regrets is that in some cases, the effects of the decision made at one time can stretch far into the future. I'll never know how that day, the next few months, that summer would have played out, if I'd made the decision as I wished I had.
The past is one thing that cannot be changed, though. So there are two questions that remain. One is pretty obvious, I guess: how do you avoid doing things you're going to regret? I doubt there's a foolproof tactic... however, I think there are a couple of useful steps: Take an extra moment to think before deciding something meaningful or critical, if the decision is being made on the spot. Maybe even more importantly, don't be afraid to go for something you really want. The second question is, what to do to "remedy" a regret? By habit I always go off analyzing the possible outcomes of whatever I did, but usually I don't get anywhere, I just end up driving myself nuts and thinking up bad results (which I hope don't actually happen). As I lamented to him about this regret issue today, Ryan told me: "A missed opportunity is a waste if you dwell and don't learn to correct how it makes you feel because of what you wanted." Well, first lesson is not to dwell, so I can definitely work on that, haha. Second lesson is to look ahead for another open door, or even try to create one, so this time you know the way you want to go about things. Of course this will all be much more difficult in real life than it is here in words...
And even though I've just thought through all of this reasonably and positively, it's definitely gonna take me some mental work to put it all into practice.
The past is one thing that cannot be changed, though. So there are two questions that remain. One is pretty obvious, I guess: how do you avoid doing things you're going to regret? I doubt there's a foolproof tactic... however, I think there are a couple of useful steps: Take an extra moment to think before deciding something meaningful or critical, if the decision is being made on the spot. Maybe even more importantly, don't be afraid to go for something you really want. The second question is, what to do to "remedy" a regret? By habit I always go off analyzing the possible outcomes of whatever I did, but usually I don't get anywhere, I just end up driving myself nuts and thinking up bad results (which I hope don't actually happen). As I lamented to him about this regret issue today, Ryan told me: "A missed opportunity is a waste if you dwell and don't learn to correct how it makes you feel because of what you wanted." Well, first lesson is not to dwell, so I can definitely work on that, haha. Second lesson is to look ahead for another open door, or even try to create one, so this time you know the way you want to go about things. Of course this will all be much more difficult in real life than it is here in words...
And even though I've just thought through all of this reasonably and positively, it's definitely gonna take me some mental work to put it all into practice.
Monday, July 14, 2008
unhappy things
[one]
I miss talking with somebody on a regular basis, telling stories/news and sharing thoughts and being open. Leaving messages back and forth online and laughing. Knowing that someone's thinking about you (and you think of them) and looking forward to both funny lighthearted conversations and serious conversations. Okay...so I've got an experience from last summer on my mind. Not to say I haven't talked to anyone this summer, I have talked with several people, and had the occasional meaningful conversation, and even kept in somewhat regular touch with a couple. But (sorry for the annoying cliché) it's just not the same. I guess I had something special, which means of course I'm not going to truly appreciate it till I no longer have it...seems to be a rule of my life or something. And I think this kind of friendship is one that may elude you if you seek it on purpose; it'll find you when you are neither trying to find it nor expecting it. This just makes it all the better: "I don't know how it happened, but I'm so happy it did."
So based on all that, I suppose the best I can do is not worry about it too much, huh? Just wait and see what happens. I only hope something does.
[two]
This is far less meaningful to me, and has nothing to do with the above (except maybe social emailing, but I haven't done that for real in...six years? Though, there is something to be said for it. Another time.). Anyway, so I've gotten really extremely lazy with my email. My old "home" email, instated in 7th grade, doesn't get much these days aside of ads for online shopping (which I may or may not have really signed up for), so I don't usually bother with it anyway... And with my school email, not gonna lie, there are certain listserves I pay more attention to and some I only glance at for the most part. But usually during the school year I try to read the important stuff and respond to it. And even though it's the summer now, I'm still getting some important stuff (especially about Koosh's band camp at Penn that I'm gonna be a counselor for) that I really really should be keeping up to date on...but I'm just not. I check my email and then I don't make myself read them. I dunno why this laziness is so compelling. It exists in other realms of my life; seems to be generally that I can't get started on doing some kind of project or other, even something I think I want to work on. But really, reading emails? Not so hard. Yeah, I should really start pulling myself back onto track. Might as well try to get into a habit of being organized with email (at the least) before going back for next year.
I miss talking with somebody on a regular basis, telling stories/news and sharing thoughts and being open. Leaving messages back and forth online and laughing. Knowing that someone's thinking about you (and you think of them) and looking forward to both funny lighthearted conversations and serious conversations. Okay...so I've got an experience from last summer on my mind. Not to say I haven't talked to anyone this summer, I have talked with several people, and had the occasional meaningful conversation, and even kept in somewhat regular touch with a couple. But (sorry for the annoying cliché) it's just not the same. I guess I had something special, which means of course I'm not going to truly appreciate it till I no longer have it...seems to be a rule of my life or something. And I think this kind of friendship is one that may elude you if you seek it on purpose; it'll find you when you are neither trying to find it nor expecting it. This just makes it all the better: "I don't know how it happened, but I'm so happy it did."
So based on all that, I suppose the best I can do is not worry about it too much, huh? Just wait and see what happens. I only hope something does.
[two]
This is far less meaningful to me, and has nothing to do with the above (except maybe social emailing, but I haven't done that for real in...six years? Though, there is something to be said for it. Another time.). Anyway, so I've gotten really extremely lazy with my email. My old "home" email, instated in 7th grade, doesn't get much these days aside of ads for online shopping (which I may or may not have really signed up for), so I don't usually bother with it anyway... And with my school email, not gonna lie, there are certain listserves I pay more attention to and some I only glance at for the most part. But usually during the school year I try to read the important stuff and respond to it. And even though it's the summer now, I'm still getting some important stuff (especially about Koosh's band camp at Penn that I'm gonna be a counselor for) that I really really should be keeping up to date on...but I'm just not. I check my email and then I don't make myself read them. I dunno why this laziness is so compelling. It exists in other realms of my life; seems to be generally that I can't get started on doing some kind of project or other, even something I think I want to work on. But really, reading emails? Not so hard. Yeah, I should really start pulling myself back onto track. Might as well try to get into a habit of being organized with email (at the least) before going back for next year.
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