Sunday, October 5, 2008

where might this train of thought lead?

i walked out from the lobby of the other high rise, passing a couple fellow dmders along the way, and stepped out into the night where people, who were probably heading to or from parties, were out minimally populating the walkways. the night was chilly and he was on my mind cuz i'd been in touch with him, just a little bit, in the past couple of hours. and i'd gained a flickering hope of something to look forward to, maybe some little way i could help... if not that, maybe i could at least continue to understand him better.

but my mind as always pushes onward with imagination and paths faster than i can restrain it with reality. i miss him, i want to see him... i want to take a walk with him out in the beauty of the night, when the weather is clear and feels so good, and i want to talk with him, seriously.. and even though i'm almost sure it can't happen, if that little sliver could appear which might be the only time i could dive in for that chance, although it would be fairly awful of me to do so, for his sake, ... i want to kiss him.

it's a bit weird the way that thought keeps coming to mind, at fairly random times, these days. i know where it came from though, the point that possibly reawakened something i've been ignoring for so long that it's become so routinely embedded; i'm not even aware i'm doing it. that night i found out three things within probably just two minutes of time. with that, it began, though i'm not sure if i fully realized the impact yet. the night went on just fine, and came to an end with a very enjoyable time. i got back, and sat down, and suddenly it hit me like.. i don't even know what. but i froze, as this realization hit me and monopolized my mind. thoughts flew around and it was like all these little things came together and made sense. i couldn't do anything else; i spent time delving into memories and putting more things in place. yet, even as all of this was coming together, i was scared. i didn't want to be sure of this. would it make everything different? and then i started wondering if it would even last till morning. was this all something crazy that was happening as a product of one night on which these things happened? if i was so good at not thinking about it, such that i never even considered bringing it to mind, maybe that procedure would be automatically invoked and i would go back to normal, and this would be a fleeting story.

it happened, somewhat. i woke up and i wasn't frozen. my mind was freed from the hold by the thoughts that had come the night before. i've gone on and lived each day and things are normal. i bet i am as good as i think, about not thinking about it. i don't even have to try, really.

except for now and then, it'll come back. maybe it's a moment, but i always recognize it. sometimes i think of it at night, and it seems like all this pain, because i am almost trapped, i can't take action without so much risk and the possibility of inflicting hurt or stress and the chance of loss. and i have respect for him, and care for him, and i don't want to make it more difficult than it already is. even so, i reason to myself, there are some fundamental things that could cause problems. usually that argument fails to deter me though; it doesn't stop how much the laughter, the comfort, the experiences, and the glimpses of who he is that i've been so lucky to see all mean to me.

as much time and mental energy as i've put into trying to understand love, and formulate a personal concept of it that is right as far as i can determine, this situation probably confuses me more than anything else. sometimes i think i am going to lose what might be something that makes more sense to me than many other possibilities or situations i've come across; but i don't even have a real chance, so is it my fault if i don't ever attempt a humble and respectful try? but what about how it only hits me at times...and for the rest of the time i can leave it in some deep recess of my mind (heart?) and just be as i've been for so long? right now, that starts to look like i'm trying to push away something that i know is true, but... fine, i know i'm indecisive. probably the bigger cause here though is that i'm scared. i don't want to break things and i don't want to cause hurt. i'll sacrifice myself, because hey, i am good at it; i have accumulated so much practice in it that it's become basically okay by now. i still have what i do have, and whatever happens, anything at all, i know i do not want to lose that.