I am going to explode

It has been 7 hours since I last ate something but I've already been home for an hour and haven't eaten anything. That's about how much this is consuming my mind. And when I say "this", I mean "he".

It's a complicated situation, really; before I got into it, I imagined that if I got into it, it would be difficult. Of course in the first place there is me to deal with. How many times have I been right next to him, our time together going on, supposedly what I look forward to so much, but I get so tied up with all my worry and fear that it all just strangles me? Thinking about it now, outside the moment, I can't even understand what I'm so afraid of. Maybe this is one reason it might be a stupid endeavor. I just want to be comfortable. I just want to be me, because if I want him to like me and like being around me, I don't want to be holding things back.

Sometimes, sometimes, it works. I'm telling him some story and I know he's listening cuz he has that look, interested and right in the moment with me. Or some little thing or other happens, and I make a little joke about it, which starts us laughing, and then one of us makes another joke off of that, and we just laugh even harder on top of it all. Then I relax a little because we shared something fun, something that feels good.

I think there's only been one time we've stepped past the line of little jokes and related funny stories to have a little bit more of a serious conversation. I think it took me slightly by surprise when he started it with a question, but it felt good... And I love laughing, I really really do, but I want this so much too. I want to just talk about what we think... But it seems so hard. I don't know a whole lot, but my life and his (and he and I) are so different. My knowledge, my experiences must encompass only a small fraction of his. I feel restricted and he looks free to me. How can my life be of interest to talk about? How can I be of interest? Well if I can't talk about things I do, I'd like to talk about things I think about... I want to try to give who I am, since I guess that's all I really have.

And then... there are these most dangerous little moments: we touch. It's happenstance. I'm laughing, we're going up the stairs, and he doesn't want me to fall, and he kind of has his arm there in case, and it brushes mine a few times. He reaches across my arm to get to the keyboard. My earring falls out and he puts it back in for me. His puts his hand on my knee, for a second.
...
Then my mind takes over, turns life into a movie. I trip over my shoes and the fall lands me halfway into his arms, and I get to stay there a little longer... Or our hands touch, and catch, and stay together. Or we're laughing really hard, then while we're recovering, I lean over and just kiss him. Okay yeah, basically every scenario leads to kissing, because somehow I can't stop them from coming to mind. I say "movie" because these things would be much more likely to happen in a movie than in my real life.

And just to make it all 10 times worse, the situation that I'm in draws its no-cross line exactly at the line whose crossing would indicate an interest between us... So I go on every day, wondering if he might want to cross that line, if the situation were different. Wishing I was free to cross it, if I could ever get the courage. Trying, if the chances arise, to step just a little closer, and see what happens, how he reacts. Attempting to discern if possibly he's on the other side of this barrier wanting the same thing, not that I could really think well enough of myself to assume it.

The worst thing is... I'm not sure why I want it all so much. Is it just this enticing game, something with which I can try to push the limits, this little bit of excitement I can hold onto and let it make me crazy? In the beginning, it seemed that we could talk easily, but now there are plenty of times it seems neither of us can think of anything to say. That's always awkward for me. Conversing easily and eventually meaningfully is one of the things I value most in a relationship with somebody (I mean any kind of relationship, friends as well); for sure, I want that with him, but it's not exactly happening naturally. Still, it bothers me every time I feel like I've regressed. But to get back to the point, if talking doesn't really flow with him, then why do I still "want" him so much? (..whatever "want" entails.) Is it a combination of just wanting to kiss someone and being attracted to him? ..I don't like thinking I'm caught up in such a shallow level of feelings, but I suppose I am human which makes it totally possible.

Okay...where have I gotten with all of this? I want and don't really know why but can't have anyway. Things happen every day, my mood soars or dives accordingly. I analyze and worry and wonder and regret and hope and act giddy and basically, go crazy. And I don't exactly want to rush my summer past, but I want so badly to know what might happen in a certain future moment that could be my only chance to find out some answers to all this wondering..