social dynamic reciprocation?

Thought:

In the blues/swing dance community I am surrounded by many incredibly nice and friendly people.  (I hate how generic those terms are, but they are basically the terms that apply.)  There are many people I still am just getting to know on more of a friend level (i.e. a step beyond "hey it's fun to dance with you" level), and pretty much everyone is open to chatting away easily and comfortably.  I feel like I've found gold in this group of people.  And this circles back and inspires me to act in kind.  What I ended up wondering just now was whether others get the same vibe back from me...  (I hope!)

why I love you (one of so many reasons)

(here's the link, by the way.)

One block

It's another beautiful night out -- a hammock night, though I don't have anyone with whom to share that, nor do I have easy access to a hammock (and so I let that thought go quickly after it arose).  No matter, however, as the undeniable comfort of the café is shortly ahead, unhealthy muffin satisfaction included.

The block from 41st to 40th is extra long.  This is a slightly frustrating reality as far as reaching the bus in the mornings goes, but it doesn't bother me so much now.  I walk amiably, passing the familiar elements along with the ones that never attract my attention much.

There's a place that I am pretty certain used to be a movie rental store, but now its focus appears to be comic books and the like.  It's tinged now with the time I looked for it with Mike.

The bowling alley, Strikes, appears to be just a shell now.  I was there once with Matt.  They played nothing but Daft Punk remixes the whole time we were there (and I couldn't have been happier about that).

Some little road, the name of which I've never bothered to find out, cuts the block halfway.  If I head down it, there's a parking lot with designated Philly Car Share spaces.  So I think of Steve, and the night he took me and David for a spontaneous random drive in and around the city.  It's just one of many reasons Steve is awesome.

Last, past a building I've never identified, is Saxbys.  It didn't hold much for me until this summer because Starbucks was my spot at Penn, but by now it's one of my regular cafés.  Occasionally I think of meeting Geoffroy or working on Flash with Ted here, as those were amongst my first times spent here.

Life is good.

Life threads

Sometimes I have a meta moment and try to think about the way people's lives intertwine.  I tend to visualize this like a line graph.  Each person's life is a horizontal thread running forward in time; when people meet, their threads touch; if they spend a portion of life together, their threads stay entwined; when they part, so do their threads. ...that was probably too many semi-colons in one sentence.

Tonight I've been reading a few friends' blogs, and I'm reminded of how interesting and talented these people are.  And then I think, I am lucky to be able to consider them friends.  This brings me again to marveling at the circumstances that bring me to meet people.  Many can be classified simply under "went to school together", etc., but sometimes an interesting sequence of connections had to occur, and if it hadn't, whatever part of my life I've experienced with that person would not have existed.

And so I am glad:

that my first-grade best friend's ex-girlfriend went to Penn too

that my mom happened to Google the right phrase when looking for a summer internship for me

that I went one night to a friend's dorm lounge to play DDR

that, for my minor, I signed up for a class otherwise completely full of music majors

that I left my seat for five minutes while at New Deck during Feb Club

that I asked a friend to wait for me to walk over to a party

that I got lost during one of the engineering school orientation tours

that I saw a particular poster for a performance in my dorm hallway, even though I never made it to the show

that I signed up to live on the music residential program floor for freshman year

that a friend of a friend took a bus to Philly

that I went to a lindy crash course

Weekend thanks

to Liore, for being excited about going to Brasil's, so that I dragged my lazy self across the city and ended up having a lot of fun dancing.

to the blond-haired and super nice guy who I know from salsa parties at Take the Lead and whose name I always forget, who is a wonderful lead, for coming to me for a salsa dance.

to the soft-spoken guy at Brasil's who seemed interested in me in a way shy enough that it did not come across creepy at all.

to Lauren, for cooking french toast for brunch and chatting.

to Ted, for letting me borrow his tie, and for suggesting eating outside, because it was completely beautiful out.

to Adam and Gan, for - well, they know.

to Senthil, for being one of the sweetest people I know and buying me a drink.

to the 21 bus, for running at 1:45 in the morning.

to Café Clave for playing amazing music.  I specifically noticed I was enjoying quite a number of songs.

to Mom, for being excited about my work on the database for her.

to Andrew and Simone, for listening to me being sad after reading some more of The Time Traveler's Wife.

Personality evolution?

An interesting exchange occurred tonight with my friend.  He mentioned that he would guess I might not get along naturally with some of his other friends, because we have quite different personalities.  I really wanted to know why, and he explained that they are more reserved, not so outgoing and interested in partying as me.

This was pretty amazing to hear, because for basically forever, I was much more like he described his friends than the way he described me.  Apparently, ever since I met him, I've portrayed a personality much unlike my old(?) characteristics of many years of my life.

I should probably take into account, though, that I nearly always meet him in a dance setting.  Such is cue for my general happy behavior, since, well, social dancing is kind of the best thing ever.

After a good night...

I often find myself lingering, cuz I've got some kind of nice outfit on and makeup and maybe earrings I like, and my hair looks good (or at least it did when I headed out, haha)...  And I feel a bit sad to change into pajamas, go over to the sink and rub the makeup off.  An old Hard Rock Cafe t-shirt and a pair of Calvin Klein pajama pants (not even plaid!) for which I somewhere have a matching top, probably stuffed at the bottom of a dresser drawer -- they just can't really compare.  Though, I guess lazy and mismatched clothes imply a letting-go sense that is appropriate for heading to sleep.

I really love nights that kind of spontaneously turn out to be just really good.  Sometimes I can hardly believe how happy I am, how lucky I am to have these friends and to be meeting new awesome people and having such fun.  These moments make me believe life truly is good.

Funny Bits #1

As "lol" is probably the most overused and devalued chat acronym (at least in my experience), I always use more emphasis in my online conversations if I'm actually laughing in front of my screen.  With that in mind, here goes my first little collection of (mostly kinda recent) funny quotes from online conversations...

11/9/09, 12:05 am:
friend: just didnt want you to feel guity
friend: you're not as fun when you act responsible
me: HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHA
me: ohhhh god
me: that was fantastic
me: esp in my state of mid
friend: :D
me: *mind
friend: wont ask
me: (mid wtf?)
friend: lol
me: ballroom comp~~~
me: i am not drunk
me: though myh typing might look like it

12/23/09, 12:38am:
me: ok
me: i went and cleaned out the screw-on tips of the frosting things
friend: lolo
me: ...that doesn't sound dirty AT ALL
me: but um
me: i ate all the icing i cleaned out
me: hahahaha
me: it was really good
me: ..oh god
friend: mmmomnomnom
friend: i didn't take it as dirty 'til you said it was
friend: haha
me: oh good
me: but yeah i couldn't help seeing that ;P
me: :P
friend: lol so uh
friend: you really like that icing, huh?
me: don't even start.
me: :D
friend: XD
friend: :P

12/22/09, 9:43pm
me: you also have a habit of making me jealous. :P
friend: Sorrryyyyy
me: better be.
friend: Ill share the wealth when ur nak
friend: Bak
friend: ...
friend: My phone was going to complete nak for me as naked
friend: whoich wouldve been very inappropriate
me: HAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHA
me: omg that is hilarious
me: ahhahahhahahahaha

"work" log - july 8 (why most of today was good)

The weather was soooo beautiful this morning. I got to enjoy it for about 1.5 minutes while walking from the parking spot to the building at work. Take 5 (the cafe at work) always makes a few blends of Starbucks coffee, and this morning included one of my favorites - Cafe Estima. I really have to remember to bring in my mug warmer so I can make it stay warm for hours and hours.

Topics at lunch: cats hunting birds(??) and rabbits (Steve thinks rabbits are cute), squirrels, the new Transformers movie (Jackie and Yuriy liked it a lot and Steve refuses to watch it), and the comparison of heavy metal vocals to Cookie Monster.

Walking in the hall after lunch, Yuriy told me that my hair looked good. I was like "psh this is me being lazy, putting it up and not bothering to blow it dry..." but I did (after a few attempts) manage to braid my bangs (as they are getting longer) and pin them back, which I liked. I really did appreciate and was happy that he said that to me.

In foosball, the other Yuriy and I did respectably against his friend and...I forget who... I think the friend (wish I knew his name) and I may have beaten Yuriy and Shilpa? Then Srini and I made two crazy attempts to beat Yuriy and Shilpa. I'm always laughing and then my eyes start tearing because they do that easily and then I have to clear them out so I can even see to play. I never knew I could love foosball this much. Foosball quote (I believe after Shilpa scored a nice goal): Yuriy says, "You're ready for the playoffs!"; then she hits it backwards towards her own goal and says "Not really!" :)

In the afternoon, Chris came over with Jason and a couple other people. He'd just come from showing my work up on a projector in a meeting and found out no one else knew who I was, so he brought them over for introductions. (err I don't remember any of their names...) Chris recounted how recently Martin(??) had emailed him kind of randomly and asked, "Where's our intern..?" since we had moved from one area to another, across the building. Chris responded that I was down in Row T, and Martin said, "Oh...I thought we forgot her." hahaha. Then I was saying how I'm far away from everyone and don't even know who's in our group or not, so I was walked down to Row J (where Chris and Jason are) and introduced to a few more people who I may or may not remember. Then the company softball league came up, and I said how I'd tried to find out information about joining the team to which we, GTS interns, were directed. I wanted to be on the department team, not play against them, and Chris poked fun at me for my wsj.com friends (since he knows I play foosball with them) - I said "hey I have loyalties here too!" and we laughed. Jason is on a different team though, and kind of just recruited me on the spot. We walked over to the team captain's cube and he'll add me to the email list...

Not long after this little adventure, Martin ((I think)) happened to find me, down in row T. He started up this whole 10-minute chat about finding what you like to do in life (with other things thrown in), and I think I held up a nice little talk.

Towards the end of the day, I ran into an odd problem - I discovered that in the process of working on a page, I had broken an important function of the code. The thing is, I could not figure out how it had originally worked. The method that seemed to be used made no sense. Things like that reel me in, and though a bit frustrating, I want to figure it out and fix it. But that could take hours. At 6:15 or something Yuriy came down and, as he said, we had a real-life little music exchange - I played a few songs on my ipod for him.

A little earlier I had asked Jason if the softball games are held out on that field wayyy in the corner of the property, by where those department picnics were held last year (I want to do that again...). (The conversation, by the way, is courtesy of Microsoft Office Communicator - a business chat program to install which I had to go through a whole online request/approval system haha. It has actually turned out to be helpful so far.) I said I might come by to watch a bit, and he said not to laugh... :) Yuriy, being the good friend that he is, led me driving around to the parking lot that's actually near the field. The weather was still gorgeous by the way, as was the "lake" on the property. I should've attempted a picture even if it was only phone-quality. Anyway, I watched the last few innings of the game. A couple of young guys seemed really into it (interns? dunno) and a few people had cleats and there were some great hits. Watching the game made middle school softball come back to me a little - cheering for people, pitching, calling out the infield play as the next batter comes up. It's been many (in a relative, 21-year-old sense) years since I have really tried to do anything with softball, and I said to Jason afterwards that I felt like I should practice before showing up for next week's game. He told me don't worry, just come and play. I am looking forward to it.

Jason thanked me for coming to spectate. That topped off the evening nicely... aside of forgetting to actually start the car and trying to go somewhere in drive or reverse, I was in a good mood that I didn't totally understand for most of the drive.

"work" log - june 9

The rain told me this morning was made for strong Starbucks coffee, not my tea of the past few days. By the time I got there it was not raining in the Dow Jones complex, so I shed my green nylon high school track jacket and made the parking-lot walk wearing heels rather than my rain shoes. (They actually look just like this except with navy coloring in place of the green.)

During the morning I tried stubbornly to make my kind-of-not-working visual design "work" (which means "look good"). I do think it might be on its way to a state of "possibly usable". We'll see if I can fix it up well enough tomorrow.

In those few hours I waited for a text back and never got it. So I gave over a small piece of my mind to worrying about that. I should remember he's got a life too, though. I didn't know exactly when the guys (my friends from last year) were going to lunch, so I kind of gave up. It can't hurt to catch up on hours by eating at my desk anyway. I took maybe 15 minutes of time doing things not related to work on the computer and hoped no one walked by and asked why I had Twitter on the screen.

Later Yuriy came to my rescue, YAY! I emailed to ask how foosball had gone since I assumed I had missed it. He called me up at my cube and joked that I didn't need Matt's permission to come play. Then he said I must come to the 3pm game session. I was so glad for the break so I wouldn't be at my desk for the entire day straight. When I got upstairs Yuriy told Dimitri and Dean that the most important player was there and we could go...haha, right. They said we were going to play shuffleboard (table version) today and I made a face. I figured I would be no good at it. Yuriy and I lost the first game but totally won the second, with some good rounds. I was excited. In the third game, with Frank(?) in place of Dean, I think all my rounds were 0 or only 1 point. Oh well. Then we just had to play one foosball game although the rods don't spin well at all in the table in that room. I do believe Dimitri and I beat Yuriy and Frank. Yuriy then walked back with me and so now knows my location in the bottom floor corner. Oh right, what were we doing? Yeah, working...

Bonus: At the end of the day I discovered that Jason (the guy I'm working for) used to play DDR and Stepmania - haha awesome. He apologized for being a geek...so funny because there is absolutely no need.

-

I need to redesign this blog's design. Eric Fisher told me so.

home/going

On Facebook, a friend just asked me what's up. I wrote back: "i'm half moved-out of my room, coming home in a couple of days, in love with dance, and pensive."

There are empty places in my room now where things like framed photos, a rack of wire cubes holding various books and other things, and a big round green chair used to be. Several large boxes (and a bunch of bubble wrap) now reside in a corner of the room; upon one box is a pile of clothes displaced from its prior location on top of the wire cubes. Yeah I've gotten messier in college, but I like that.

The boxes are an obvious reminder of the transition I will complete on Tuesday morning: going back home. Home is great, I've realized. People will say they couldn't wait to get out of their hometowns, or away from their parents or siblings, or what have you. I think my brother can't wait to go off to college this coming fall. But the longer I'm at college, the more I appreciate home. As things are right now, this is the last summer that I will be there with my family for sure. I want to hug everyone; play Guitar Hero; watch chick flicks and go out to brunch and go shopping and chill in Barnes and Noble/Starbucks with my mom; talk and laugh through the unique course of dinner conversation; eat good meals prepared by Mom (man I am so excited for food at home after a year of Wawa and dining-dollar-bought sameness and such); play a game with Dad; play ping pong; claim a mug's worth of hot water when my dad decides to make some tea; wake up and be around the goings-on of a family.

And hell, I have to take this moment. I miss Jersey. Seems like some people don't like New Jersey, and maybe that's only a few people so I don't really know anything about what people think, but I don't care. It's where I was born and raised and before Philly and Penn, before my first time living in a city - which is great by the way - I lived nowhere but Colts Neck. I'm surrounded by neighborhoods of mansions that used to be farms some day a long time ago, high school kids who drive a Lexus to school, a cute and little but nice library where I used to work, the Colts Neck Shopping Center, Delicious Orchards, and driving everywhere you want to go. I miss my mall in the next town over (not that I did ever go there much, and I still don't now), and the movie theater I go to, and strip malls and car dealerships along all the highways. And OH my gosh I can't wait for the beach. Half an hour's drive to the grid of streets, a parallel parking job that I still haven't really learned to do, and a flash of the season badge (um, need to get one) to step onto the hot sand and see the beautiful waves. There is nothing like the physical pleasure of slowly pulling off the top, stepping out of the shorts, and exposing so much skin to the heat of the sun mixed with an occasional airy touch of light wind. Delve into warm laziness.

If I may, permit me to have a summer fantasy for a moment? There's something about the beach - I think it has to do with the hazy warmth contrasted with the cold, the excitement, and the potential for fear that the water imposes. And the nighttime beach has its own magic. The air is still warm enough for shorts, the sand is cool, soft, and expansive, the dark waves are fringed with white and teasingly reach for and pull back from the sand. It's quiet, and dark. In day or night on the beach, my imagination so often includes being with a guy. I want him to hold me against the cold, dive with me through the waves, walk dripping back onto the sand, and lie down side by side under the sun. And the cool night scene is beautifully made for two alone. To pull my mind back to reality, there is an important piece that I lack. I don't know who I would want to be with me there. And so that perfect scene is left a tad unfinished, and I wonder if this summer I might get a try at it.

~

The other half of summer is imminent too. Staying here an extra week has let me push it under a mental rug somewhat, but it's there. Summer is scatter time. We go off to research abroad, jobs in California, family and vacation and work. And all the times with friends over the year coalesce into a surge of meaning, and gratitude, and sadness, in these last few days. I can't appreciate these times enough, and I have a silly little want to go back and relive them, just to make sure I enjoy them as much as I can. Thinking over these memories right now, I am so incredibly happy and thankful for friends. The talks, the laughter, the closeness: I am tempted, at moments like this, to hold those things as more important than anything. And so the beginning of summer is sad because I won't have these people in my life for a (little?) while. I will, probably, find a few friends back home at some point or other, and hope to make a few visit trips, but home friends have also scattered and are living new lives. So I'm holding onto everything that I've loved this year, and being pretty damn glad I've still got senior year left. As one friend pointed out, we're apart for four months - it's not really that bad.

bits & pieces

the other night:
allegro's at 1am
blueberry beer
fmylife.com
music sharing via youtube (and some figure skating, for the old days' sake)
comfiest blanket ever??
ignoring responsible life crap that matters

and another night before that one:
indian foooood...is really good
tea
that same blanket
relationship stories and later just really talking about them
(there was prolly some youtube in there too)
...this is what makes college really meaningful to me.

different night:
salsa.salsa.salsa
i really can't balance when i spin (usually)
everyone is sooo nice...yay
friend&guys
i think i love bachata
must go social dancing [a lot] more
i'm kind of a sucker for when guys dress nicely...
steaks on south//i can't contribute to conversational topics about the world??

totally different:
i love climbing, and i don't exactly know why
seems like everyone there is nice (helpful) as well
good place to be female? O:-)
conquering top-rope routes is .. awesome
argh need to get belay-certified

i'm a geek:
cuz i'm excited to set up a mysql database ahaha
and want to swallow php whole


wanna:
go dress shopping
go shopping for clothes in general ...(ok, so i'm such a girl sometimes)
be good at dance
go social dancing...hopefully to more of a variety than mainly salsa music
go climbing like all the time hah
be with friends; i'm running out of college time

i wish i had joined PLBD in freshman year. largely so i'd be kinda good at dance by now, but also cuz i'm starting to really see how these groups bond. i don't have that - not in band, not in dance (at this point anyway, but i don't think it'll change that much), not where i live nor where i lived, not amongst my major. this doesn't mean i don't have friends; i do and i love and appreciate them. what i wish i'd experienced is group friendship (mine are all scattered from various "sources").


(2:12:50 AM) Tory: i just thought of something
(2:12:56 AM) Tory: maybe cuz of the impracticality of it all
(2:13:01 AM) Tory: it wouldn't relaly hurt to tell him
(2:13:02 AM) Tory: heh

thoughtstream 1

I have such conflicting interests. My body needs sleep (really, really badly..) but my mind doesn't want to give up on this day yet; I haven't accomplished enough to pass that line at which I can go to sleep satisfied with what I did (though when do I ever reach that point anyway?).

The 320 (algorithms) exam was seriously my worst exam experience ever. I never felt so helpless looking at problems before. To not be able to even start, or formulate like half an idea, felt pathetic. I gave up mentally way before I ran out of time. The few others I've talked to came out with similarly bad feelings on it, but I doubt any of them left as much blank as I did. I should try to get 100s on everything from now on in that class. (But is that even possible?)

I think part of my reluctance to work might be that I sit at my desk for so much time that I'm actually just sick of being in this spot. In one of Ted's tweets he said he was going to work in the rooftop lounge. I'm thinking I should try working there, or in Starbucks, or even in the library (which would be a first for me). I think of "The Publick Cup" - the coffee shop by the Yale campus where Rebecca and I spent the afternoon on the Saturday of the Yale/Brown band roadtrip. The atmosphere put me in the most pleasant mood the whole time. I also think daylight helps.. So maybe I will try working in Starbucks (in Commons, or the 34th/Walnut one might be a good change as well; I love the upstairs part) or the rooftop lounge. Anything to help my work efficiency and focus is a good thing...

Dance:
This time there were more than twice as many girls as guys, but actually it turned out to be alright. I'm really starting to like that one guy who's usually there; he's really friendly and easy to joke around with when we're both not quite sure we're doing it right. He definitely helped make the lesson fun for me tonight. I wish I knew his name. Also, the instructor was one I hadn't met before - Gene - and...eh, he seemed to focus a little less on form and more on teaching us steps than Christy or Wendi. I liked the traveling step we did in waltz, and I'm happy we did some tango, since I'm out of practice with it. That gaucho move was hilarious, but I'm thinking someday instead of laughing at its initially-seeming awkwardness, I'm going to really enjoy it. Also:
1) I danced with Aaron for the last tango sequence and of course, still felt a bit awkward sometimes. ugh.
2) I want ballroom heels. They would be good practice I'm sure, and if I compete (?...!) I'm sure I'd need a pair anyway. Unfortunately,
3) Those shoes would make me even taller. They'd probably make me taller than a few more of the guys. Sometimes I wish I was a cute short height.
4) As usual, Colin was oh-so-nicely dressed. If I remember right, tonight was an argyle sweater vest. Seriously, he has such style. I want to do something like take a picture of him and send it in to a fashion blog.

I walked the five blocks back after dance quite slowly while listening to one of the songs on Kenny G's Rhythm & Romance album - I think it was the [kind of] title track. Somehow, the music was perfect for Locust Walk in the night. It wasn't too cold out, so I kind of made it into a nice stroll. When I got back, I was tired enough that I didn't think I could really do work, and all I wanted was cuddling and a movie. Neither of those were fulfilled, and I didn't do anything, just spent some time sitting and feeling sad. There's a lot of comfort in physical closeness to another human being, I think, and that's probably why I want it so much when I'm tired like this. ... I have to thank David though, who noticed from my Pidgin status that I seemed kind of down and invited me to hang out if I wanted. :)

Running into Dan while I was with Tatini at Commons made me think again that we (Tatini and whoever included, if they want) really need to hang out more. I hardly get to talk to Dan - maybe just at the beginning of 320 since a bunch of us are usually there a little early. I feel a little like I could be losing him, which is quite sad.

I am eating too many scones and muffins and other such things and substituting them for actual meals. I doubt this is good. I also want to eat at all random times these days. Damnit, I don't want to add to my stomach.

Phillip wasn't at either of the team lessons this week, so I texted him saying "where've you been" and now he thinks "someone has been missing me a lot". Uhh, or that's just what he wants to think. I missed him a little though.

While I was trying get my thinking going and produce anything of value on the 320 exam today, I realized I had a compilation of songs from my Pandora station going through my head constantly. I guess I'm listening to it too much. Maybe it's more distracting than I think, as well, but it would feel so empty for me to try to do homework in silence.

How do you become friends with someone? Usually I don't even think about this because it happens by itself. It also seems to purposefully not-happen all by itself just as naturally. I want to break that pattern, but I'd have to be not so shy as I have been, to do that.

Xav is so cute. I was heading out of the lobby and he was just coming in, so he jumps over in front of me to catch my attention and gives me a hug. :) (I think I would like the friendliness that seems to be more of a social norm in Europe. Or at least that's my uneducated perception of it.) I was telling him a bit about how I joined team and what the team lessons are like, and I feel bad that every couple of sentences I have to say "hmm?" because I didn't catch what he said, with his French accent. Anyway he doesn't seem to mind. I definitely need to figure out when we can go to Chris's again, because he even asked me on a Facebook comment and it's just too adorable of a night to pass up.

I want to go shopping - clothes, shoes, earrings. It's girly of me, I know, but I embrace that.

I think I might read (for fun, not school) before I go to sleep...it's relaxing.

All the guys in my mind/life

My mind keeps going back to this. There are too many situations to think about. And as I try to manage the thoughts, I find myself sorting these guys into groups.

There are some with whom I am good friends. I am comfortable with them and our interactions are fun and easygoing. And from my point of view, we are particularly close if we share our guy/girl stories with each other, which is an exchange I find enjoyable and interesting. I value these friendships a lot.

There are some who I only know a little, but who are so so friendly to me, such truly nice human beings, that the usually short interactions I happen to have with them here and there in my life just brighten up my days so much. They make me happy, just being with them for a bit - I want to say, "I just LOVE him!" I feel so glad to have come across them in my life, even if I never end up having more of a friendship with them (though I'm sure I'd like to).

There are some who I know, and who know me, and maybe we talk sometimes but not too often, and I'm at least somewhat comfortable around them. I want to talk with them and get to know them more, but I'm a little too shy, or I'm not sure they have enough reciprocal interest, or I sense that maybe I wouldn't quite fit into their lives. I guess I might also include here a few with whom I've lost a previous connection which I think I would like to rebuild. There are occasional little steps forward, but usually they are just little steps that probably fade anyway in the big picture. (And I mean all of this in a friendship sense, mainly.)

And then there are a few who I have a sense might have some level of interest in me. Maybe I should think a little more about what I'm doing in the various situations I'm in with these guys, because usually I play it by ear and try to be my friendly (I hope) self. I have genuinely had fun times with them though. But to be most fair to them, I should work out what I think I feel, and make sure to act accordingly and honestly. The problem is how ridiculously indecisive I usually am.

On the flip side, there's the crush(es?)...I can only think of one right now whom I've labeled in my mind as a crush. I've been thinking a little about crushes, and realized I don't really know what to do about them. Usually it's a "like from afar" situation; you don't really talk to them much, just kind of glance over at them when you happen to be in the same room for awhile and try to not be awkward when you do happen to interact. If they contact you, or pay you a few moments' attention, you react similarly to "i am filled with ridiculous giddy excitement. hahahha" (quoting myself to a friend). The thing is, it's all kind of meaningless. This attraction has to be mostly superficial, because you don't know the person well enough for it to be more deeply based, anyway. Maybe you can get to know them more, but then it's almost like picking someone randomly, because a crush-level attraction is no guarantee for an attraction on the personality level (which is extremely important, I believe). Once I got this far in my thinking, I felt kind of sad that it's probably pointless to hold onto this crush (or any, basically)...yet, I don't want to give up, because those silly moments of excitement do come along with it all, and I have something to hold onto, no matter how much it might not really matter. If it could turn out to matter, I would probably be ridiculously happy.

Finally, the category which no guy is filling for me right now - one who I really like, with whom I feel comfortable and compatible; we laugh easily and I want to talk with and spend time around him, and I want something more intense than friendship with him. Such is most elusive though, it seems.

What I feel like doing right now instead of working

I want to go back to the summer for a bit, when it would be warm and sunny outside and I looked forward to lunch... I'd read the Wall Street Journal in print, since pieces of that day's paper were scattered across random lunch tables in the carpeted, skylight-ed, comfy-chaired Dow Jones cafeteria anyway, and I'd like the feeling that maybe I understood something about what was happening in the world. And then Matt and I would usually go outside, and finally - finally - I wouldn't have to be cold for awhile. We'd walk around the building, often laughing over ridiculous stories (okay...his stories not mine, because I don't have too many, relative to him) and how I sometimes stumbled over my heels and how I had issues trying to make his iPhone scroll. It was an interesting summer in a number of ways, and often made me think beyond the mostly-sureness of college to what might come afterwards.

Even though I'm a bit sick (and of course only because I am actually a little sick do I suddenly once again appreciate breathing through mostly clear nasal passages and being able to swallow without feeling that little weird pang in any part of my mouth or throat), another part of me wants to jump back to the cruise after senior year of high school with the group of students led by my Spanish teacher. I want to be in a world totally different from my world right now, with days spent seeing beautiful buildings, drooling a little over the things sold in little street shops, eating too much gelato, and gazing off the back of the cruise ship at its huge wake in the aqua blue Mediterranean - and nights spent dressing up for dinner and later going to the "dee-sco" where, once I got up the courage, I'd squash onto the crowded tiny dance floor, getting lost in the infectious European house and dance beats, and occasionally, getting awfully close to the hot Italian boys we met. And I definitely intend both meanings of "hot".

Earlier today I was thinking, as I have now and then recently, of the night of the Take the Lead anniversary party last semester. I got to dress up and I was really happy with how my hair turned out. I met up with Xavier, my French-exchange-student friend, and Amr, my Egyptian friend, both of whom I met through the PLBD social dance lessons. (And I think it's crazy awesome knowing guys from France and Egypt.) They were both dressed really nicely, of course. Once we made it to the studio (via the Penn Transit van...interesting experience), we chatted, enjoyed food, took pictures. Then I got to see so many amazing dance performances - I kept turning around to Xavier, telling him (with a borderline-ridiculous level of excitement) how much I wanted to learn that one too, and he seemed just as excited. Later they put on music for social dancing... Xav and I attempted salsa with hilarious half-successful results that often got our arms into some kind of pretzel configuration. I danced cha cha (or something like it, since I had no idea how to do it) with a seemingly sketchy guy - and tried to get away quickly afterwards. Upon hearing a song for which I could not identify the dance, I asked Senthil, and thus received my first bachata lesson. I loved it! This also included the story I now tell people probably too often: he asked "Would you like me to dip you?" I guess I said okay, and it was really crowded so I accidentally kicked someone! It's always a funny memory. My night was completed when I walked back with Xav and Amr and enjoyed an amusing conversation.


In opposition to all of that, I have mathematics programming ahead of me, I'm tired, and whatever else. I don't know. I want some sunny intrigue, some of another world, some sexy Latin dancing, some sweet guy friends...

I just realized, or realized again

Penn is crazy, and the scope of my life is ridiculously limited. At dance lessons last semester I met a guy from Egypt. I actually had no idea he was from there until a conversation something like this:

Friend: "My friend and I are going to [some salsa event], would you like to come?"
Me: "Oh...is that over fall break?"
Friend: "Yeah it is."
Me: "Aww man, I'd love to but I'm going home for break."
Friend: "Where's home for you?"
Me: "Oh just New Jersey, it's really close. Where are you from?"
Friend: "Egypt."
Me: "Ohh....!"

He's a really nice guy. I met up with him and a friend of his for dinner at Greek Lady one time. If I remember correctly, his friend is Arab, but American-born. Throughout dinner they discussed things like the politics and the world's view of the Middle East. I hardly said anything because I had no knowledge of the subjects. Later, walking back with just my friend, he said, "Wow that must have been the most boring dinner ever for you!" I told him no, definitely not, it was really interesting to listen to their thoughts.

Penn students come from ALL over the place. One of my roommates is from outside Las Vegas and the other is from Hong Kong and has lived in Canada and Australia. Among the three of us we run across differences as well as similarities in our growing up experiences. But honestly, wow. I am impressed by students who come from other countries, especially ones more different from the US than others, to spend their entire undergraduate college education here. Already, though, I'm assuming levels of difference. Honestly I have no idea what it's like to grow up in Egypt or India or Europe or wherever else I'm thinking of as "much different". There are probably more experiences in common with my own than I might guess. This is the "modern world" after all. Still, to think that I come in contact with these people, that they now lead lives very much like mine (we're on the same campus), kind of blows my mind. Yet I rarely stop to contemplate these ocean-spanning links - except for moments like right now, or when I see that one of their Facebook networks is a country on another continent. I should feel privileged to have such a worldly collection of people practically at my doorstep for four years, and try to connect with more of them.

Exchange students are a similar boat of people, but could be even more impressive... I met a French exchange student at dance - totally adorable, enthusiastic about salsa and jazz, friendly as anything. He's definitely got a French accent, and usually I have to speak a little more carefully for him and sometimes explain what something is (try football...). Yet here he is, studying engineering at Penn for goodness' sake. And on the flip side, a friend of mine in DMD just spent a semester studying in New Zealand and sometimes I can hardly get my mind around that, and I'm not even the one who went! I just can't imagine living a piece of life in what seems, to me, like a different world.

It's all just awesome. I think if I were to go to places around the world, what I might find most interesting would be not the history, the food, the monuments or whatever...but the people, and their lives.

where might this train of thought lead?

i walked out from the lobby of the other high rise, passing a couple fellow dmders along the way, and stepped out into the night where people, who were probably heading to or from parties, were out minimally populating the walkways. the night was chilly and he was on my mind cuz i'd been in touch with him, just a little bit, in the past couple of hours. and i'd gained a flickering hope of something to look forward to, maybe some little way i could help... if not that, maybe i could at least continue to understand him better.

but my mind as always pushes onward with imagination and paths faster than i can restrain it with reality. i miss him, i want to see him... i want to take a walk with him out in the beauty of the night, when the weather is clear and feels so good, and i want to talk with him, seriously.. and even though i'm almost sure it can't happen, if that little sliver could appear which might be the only time i could dive in for that chance, although it would be fairly awful of me to do so, for his sake, ... i want to kiss him.

it's a bit weird the way that thought keeps coming to mind, at fairly random times, these days. i know where it came from though, the point that possibly reawakened something i've been ignoring for so long that it's become so routinely embedded; i'm not even aware i'm doing it. that night i found out three things within probably just two minutes of time. with that, it began, though i'm not sure if i fully realized the impact yet. the night went on just fine, and came to an end with a very enjoyable time. i got back, and sat down, and suddenly it hit me like.. i don't even know what. but i froze, as this realization hit me and monopolized my mind. thoughts flew around and it was like all these little things came together and made sense. i couldn't do anything else; i spent time delving into memories and putting more things in place. yet, even as all of this was coming together, i was scared. i didn't want to be sure of this. would it make everything different? and then i started wondering if it would even last till morning. was this all something crazy that was happening as a product of one night on which these things happened? if i was so good at not thinking about it, such that i never even considered bringing it to mind, maybe that procedure would be automatically invoked and i would go back to normal, and this would be a fleeting story.

it happened, somewhat. i woke up and i wasn't frozen. my mind was freed from the hold by the thoughts that had come the night before. i've gone on and lived each day and things are normal. i bet i am as good as i think, about not thinking about it. i don't even have to try, really.

except for now and then, it'll come back. maybe it's a moment, but i always recognize it. sometimes i think of it at night, and it seems like all this pain, because i am almost trapped, i can't take action without so much risk and the possibility of inflicting hurt or stress and the chance of loss. and i have respect for him, and care for him, and i don't want to make it more difficult than it already is. even so, i reason to myself, there are some fundamental things that could cause problems. usually that argument fails to deter me though; it doesn't stop how much the laughter, the comfort, the experiences, and the glimpses of who he is that i've been so lucky to see all mean to me.

as much time and mental energy as i've put into trying to understand love, and formulate a personal concept of it that is right as far as i can determine, this situation probably confuses me more than anything else. sometimes i think i am going to lose what might be something that makes more sense to me than many other possibilities or situations i've come across; but i don't even have a real chance, so is it my fault if i don't ever attempt a humble and respectful try? but what about how it only hits me at times...and for the rest of the time i can leave it in some deep recess of my mind (heart?) and just be as i've been for so long? right now, that starts to look like i'm trying to push away something that i know is true, but... fine, i know i'm indecisive. probably the bigger cause here though is that i'm scared. i don't want to break things and i don't want to cause hurt. i'll sacrifice myself, because hey, i am good at it; i have accumulated so much practice in it that it's become basically okay by now. i still have what i do have, and whatever happens, anything at all, i know i do not want to lose that.

New stuff I did

It seems like even though this year at Penn is just getting going, I've already done a bunch of new things that I've never done before. Therefore I'm going to start a record (in approximately chronological order lol) and update it as I go along.

• August - purchased a bunch of appliances for my room which I didn't have last year - toaster ($12), microwave ($35 I think?), coffee maker (like $20). They are all turning out to be useful so far. The toaster is surprisingly popular :)
• August - purchased a set of pots/pans, which came with a bonus collection of spices, with rack, which I'll probably never use...
• August something - really practiced bass clarinet. It's awesome, but hard to "get" the sound above the break; really hard to get good tone on that. And it needs SO much air!
• Again, towards the end of summer - I wanted some tea, and Dad drinks it all the time, so I asked him to make a cup for me. He gave me chai, and I ended up really liking it. (Ok, so it's not my first time ever drinking tea, but my first time trying chai.) I got a box of chai to bring to Penn.
  
• 8/31 - watched Anchorman with Rebecca, Becca, Eamonn, and Ben. Part of an initiative to see movies that apparently everybody except me has seen. Opinion: it's not my kind of humor, definitely. I guess some moments were funny, but it just often feels ridiculously overdone. (Obviously this is the point, though..)
• 9/3 - Saw Dan for the first time this year and was totally shocked by his new much shorter haircut (also not parted in the middle anymore) and switch from glasses to contacts (!!!!!)
• 9/3 - Purchased food from food carts/trucks. Last year John got me a sausage-egg-and-cheese from Bui's but this was the first time I ever bought anything myself. Dan and I went to Hemo's for lunch; I got a grilled chicken pita. For dinner Simone, Tatini and I tried to go to Magic Carpet but it was already gone, so we went to The Real Le Anh (Le Anh is across the street haha), and I got cashew chicken. Two discoveries: it's really good, and really cheap!!
• 9/3 - I guess a couple of FNAR courses I've taken have been cross-listed as grad courses, but CIS 460 (Computer Graphics) is definitely the first CSE/CIS course I've taken that's cross-listed. It was a bit intimidating, realizing all these quiet students were probably graduates... hence the invention of the DMD Undergraduate Row :D
• 9/4 - First class where I don't have cell phone service (I think). This is because it's CIS 262 down in the basement of Skirkanich (kinda like a dungeon hahaha). Probably all for the best - I should seriously pay attention in that class.
• 9/4 - First ever class I'm taking on databases. woooot
• 9/4 - First class in which I might be the only student who's not a music major. A little intimidating. =/
• 9/5 - Cooked a dinner dish by myself! It was meatloaf, and it was good! yayyy
• 9/5 - Attended Rodin bingo, and actually won a round! I got a gift card to Gap. Yay shopping!!
• 9/6(?) - FREE LAUNDRY!!!!! Most unfortunately I had to go up 2 floors to the 14th floor since the machines on my floor were all occupied.
• 9/7 - Discovered I did not make wind ensemble on bass clarinet... first year at Penn that I won't be in it, but that also means I can go to the music program's Third Thursdays now :)
• 9/7 - Played DDR (via Stepmania) with my own pad in my room at school. (I actually had the pad with me last year in Stouffer but never took time to play.)
• 9/8 - Taking a class in Linux :D
• 9/8 - Taking a class being taught entirely (as far as I can tell) by a computer science student in my own grade - the aforementioned Linux half-credit class. I feel like I should be feeling extremely inferior or something, but I don't. Zach's friendly and a good lecturer and definitely knows a LOT. Which is awesome :) . I think he was even in my 260 class haha...
• 9/8 - First job at Penn: mentor for CIS 110. We had our first meeting and it was a friendly gathering. We even talked about who had which lab shifts and office hours, as I was rushing out for band, lol.
• 9/9 - Met Danny's sister Laura - she's awesome! The three of us went to Cosi for dinner :)
• 9/9 - Salsa lesson at the Penn Latin and Ballroom Dance info session. It was sooo embarrassing but SO MUCH FUN!!! I decided I was definitely going to the lessons and began trying to convince friends to come...
• 9/9 - Tried iscribble for the first time, with John. I actually plugged in my mouse (finally) cuz there's no way I was gonna draw with the touchpad.
• 9/10 - First lab as a 110 mentor, with Ryan as the TA. I have to get there late, cuz it starts at 2:30 but I have 460 till 3. Luckily I made it in time for introductions and I even answered a bunch of questions which made me useful, yay!
• 9/11 - Played ping pong with Danny and Carlin in the lower level of Harrison - good times!!
• 9/12 (technically) - went to Allegro's around 1am with Carlin and Danny and had .. chicken and broccoli pizza? Or something like that. It was good, lol.
• 9/13 (or late night 9/12) - Installed Linux (Ubuntu) on a virtual machine on my computer!! Now I really want to install it "for real" (on a partition on my hard drive)
• 9/13 - Went out to dinner with Menghan and ate Thai food! I had drunken noodles hahah but it was really good AND I have leftovers!
• 9/13 - Went to Penn PM karaoke event with Erica, held on the Stouffer patio. Thanks to Erica I actually went up to sing; we did Beat It together. Michael Jackson's voice is way too high for my range (whatever limited range I might have), so next time I'll definitely be picking something else :P
• 9/13 - Uploaded pictures using Google's Picasa. It's got captions and some kind of tagging of people and reordering, and I was even able to include videos (though I had to actually download Picasa for that, rather than just using the web service). However, it seems that unless you upload through the Picasa client program, you can only upload 5 photos at a time..? This seems kinda ridiculous, especially considering how on Facebook you can upload a bunch all at once - I think it's a Java application actually.
• 9/14 - Played clarinet at church for the 10am Mass. This went pretty well, considering I got the music last minute. I had to skip a couple things, but overall it sounded good!! (And this is despite my clarinet not playing very easily, which is a fluctuating thing.)
• 9/14 - Right after Mass I went to the "hospitality" thing - like "Doughnut Sunday" at home, but on a much smaller scale.
• 9/14 - PLBD social lessons!!! Salsa and tango. SOOO MUCH FUN hahaha I cannot wait to go back :D (this really probably deserves a full post to itself)
• 9/14 - Lost my band pants (somehow by mixing them up with a pile of laundry on top of a machine) -> realized this, hours later -> panicked while trying to do my Graceland assignment for music 150 -> emailed Neil, who included my plea in his email to the floor -> received my pants from someone who found them mixed among his laundry by accident -> I've never been so glad to see those pants hahaha
• 9/15 - Ate a cookie and a brownie from Cosi (at cis 1xx grading system learning session); they were so good that I took another cookie for the way out haha.
• 9/15 - Used Dreamweaver in the Rodin computer lab - the version was old enough that it was still Macromedia... (2002 or 03-ish? I wonder why it's not updated.)
• probably September - Web design (9am-12 on Tues/Thurs) finished early enough for Grace and I to go to Wawa before 262. I got Wawa coffee for the first time and it is AMAZING. (Also much cheaper than Starbucks...I should keep this in mind and shift some of my coffee habits to Wawa...)
• 11/24 - arrived late to a clarinet social gathering which included watching Zoolander. I've never seen it before since it's not the type of movie I would typically like. (I usually don't find that kind of humor funny.) For some reason I was intrigued by it though, and although I didn't plan on staying long, I ended up interested enough in the movie that I stayed for the whole rest of it, to find out how it ended. I didn't love it and still thought it was pretty silly, but liked it enough to surprise myself.
  

Double Take

--> first and second takes on my classes this semester.

Note: This is an exercise in speed blogging, to be performed as practice in writing something of value but without taking forever. We'll see if this works.

Ok so here are my impressions of my classes from the first and second sessions of each (except for the 399, since it's a half credit and only meets Mondays). Btw these are in order of occurrence of the first session of each class.

CIS 460: Computer Graphics
[first class] Well we all gathered in Wu & Chen (aka Levine 101) where I took CIS 110, haha... There were a bunch of grad students, which was minorly intimidating for a sec, but made sense after I remembered it's cross-listed as CIS 560 and probably they're CGGT (Computer Graphics and Game Technology) students. Grace and I instated the "DMD Undergraduate Row" - I can't remember exactly but I know Ted, John, Carlin, Brynn, Nirav, and Ryan (a sophomore who was in 277 with us) are all in the class. The class began with Nirav asking if the slides could be printed in black and white and Dr. Badler explaining how the trio of himself, PowerPoint, and the printer do not get along. Then Dr. Badler introduced the field of computer graphics by describing a number of its applications. The class felt really comfortable and familiar, obviously because it's the class which 277 was specifically designed to precede (and taught by the same professor). As it's my only class on Wednesdays, I had a pretty good first day of class! :P
[second class] This turned out to be hilarious for a good 20 minutes or so when PowerPoint was being strange and YouTube was just not cooperating for Dr. Badler, and then neither was the DVD at first - and all he wanted to do was show a couple of videos! At one point, for the DVD, we had video but no sound, and then we had sound but no video! I was crying laughing...which I felt kinda bad about... The rest of lecture was pretty chill; I followed along in my $25 coursepack of the lecture slide printouts, just purchased from the SEAS copy center. We're definitely gonna be reviewing some material from 277, but for sure that can't hurt! (And it'll probably move fast.) So my outlook is lectures will be cool... Homeworks? Not sure how intense they'll be, yet. Definitely expecting to be coding a lotttt. We don't have lab, which is a little nervewracking, because clearly they won't be going over OpenGL and C++ stuff with us anymore. (We are supposed to remember it all from 277. lol..) We do, however, have Skiz as a TA, so that should be awesome. :D Maybe I will go to some office hours for once...

FNAR 234: Web Design
[first class] First off, the instructor seems good - he's cool but he knows his stuff. He comes from the design side, which I like, because I think that's the side I need more instruction/work on. (Also, he and the TA are friends and make a good pair. Kinda like Jeff and Sunita...hahaha.) From a code standpoint, I'll be relearning some html, and probably some css, though I definitely know there's a LOT I can still learn re: css. More importantly I hope I learn design and usability, which if the book he asked us to get and the first/ongoing project are any indication, it should be a focus. We are doing the html/css in Dreamweaver, so that should be interesting, and I might feel a little cheap not coding it all straight by hand. Also he keeps calling html and css "programming languages", which to me doesn't seem quite right, because I've always thought that programming languages DO something, whereas straight html and css don't perform any kind of actions on their own. Still...a good first impression, and I'm hoping not too stressful. Also Grace is in the class so that's cool.
[second class] We went over web terminology, complete with examples. So, yay I learned what some things mean! I don't care if it's elementary, because that might be where I am with some of this stuff. Then he demoed how to set up a blog and then we basically had an hour to start the blogging assignment. :) If not previously evident, I'll mention now that I like the TA, Erin, as well.

CIS 262: Automata, Computability, and Complexity
Ok this course deserves a precursor. Ever since at least the end of last year, when I really tried reading the course title during registration, I was pretty petrified of this class. The fact that Evan used to say he hated it while he took it (along with a few glances at his notebook) only added to this sentiment...
[first class] On the bright side Dan will be suffering through this class alongside me, as well as Grace, Jay, Carlin, John, and..? Anyway at the beginning of class Dan informed me that "automata" is pronounced with the emphasis on the second syllable; hence I'd been saying it wrong every time I listed my classes for someone and explained that I was scared of this one. Oh well. We are in Berger Auditorium in the Skirkanich basement, which is chilly and Dan and I both have no service. (This bothers Dan more than it does me.) The professor has something of an accent though not too horrible, I just have to listen a little harder. We spent like 10 minutes on syllabus stuff and then launched immediately into notes. Thus far I've followed what's going on, but I don't think I can trust that as an indicator that the rest of the class won't get plenty harder...
[second class] Well actually we have a "recitation" for this class - only one section of it, so basically it's an hour long and taught by the professor rather than a TA. It's my only class in DRL this semester - I was so close to not being there at all! At least A8 is a nicer room, despite its prior association as my Math 114 room haha. Anyway, we started going over proofs by induction, which is not a topic I enjoy but nonetheless familiar from 260.
[third class] This was the second lecture. It was pretty much more of the same, and luckily I am still understanding like 95-100% of the notes. People are already falling asleep in that class though, haha. It's probably gonna be a long semester. I miss Benjamin C. Pierce (260 prof) cuz...he was more engaging and pretty much all-around awesome.

CIS 330: Design Principles of Info Systems
(I basically translate this course title into "Databases".)
[first class] Well Dan and I get to walk from 262 and chill in this class too, so that's cool... Class began with the course webpage mysteriously being inaccessible, and other oddities. But once we got into the lecture, I'm glad it's starting pretty much from the bottom-up level of databases. I'm not exactly sure how the course is going to progress, either content-wise (she kept emphasizing that we're not gonna come out of it as Oracle programmer whizzes) or difficulty-and-effort-wise (we may not have even learned enough to do the first homework yet).
[second class] This time we all introduced ourselves and holy crap, Chin, our 121 TA who managed our final project, is in the class!! Nirav and I were laughing haha... (Am I really up to par enough to be in the same class as Chin??) At least I found that most people had only a bit of database experience so I should be okay. We continued through the lecture and it all seems reasonable so far. I'm really hoping I learn a lot through this class. I'm so eager to collect knowledge and ability in something really different from everything I know so far.

Music 150: Introduction to Global Music
Talk about a change from computer science...
[first class] Well, the class is almost entirely music majors - maybe one person who's not (as she wasn't even there at the second lecture), and then me, an attempting minor. So that's a little intimidating, because they have a lot of background knowledge to draw on and they know how to write and speak about music. Well the professor is very into it all, integrating both organized writing and stream of consciousness writing with listening to the music and especially exposing ourselves to music with which we're uncomfortable. There is to be lots of discussion and class interaction, etc. So I was pretty scared the first day, since I thought this was gonna be like jazz history where I listened to lectures and caught up on textbook reading, wrote one simple paper at the end and a couple of jazz performance reviews...yeah. Not this class. It's gonna be pretty intense, and I'll have to dredge up writing skills I haven't touched since freshman first semester. So much for an easy class...
[second class] We shared our "exotic" music selections and I found that I could participate in this collaborative discussion without sounding like a total idiot. I probably accomplished that though when I did not have much of a way to explain why my Praful song was "exotic". Oh well, hopefully that moment can be forgotten. For some reason I felt slightly less scared of the impending syllabus (though probably not because she kept saying we would be nervous but it would turn out okay) - with the major exception of this partner-project thing, which I'll worry about until I see how the partner issue pans out (ugh). I'll also have to see how well I can get myself going with these writing assignments.

CIS 399: Special Topics: Linux/Unix in the 21st Century
[first and only class so far] Jean Griffin, who teaches 110, is listed as the instructor for this, so I guess maybe "officially" Zachary Goldberg is a TA, but as of the first day, he appears to be essentially teaching the course. I mean, his name is on the slides so I assume he made them. He's a good speaker - already more naturally engaging (or I thought so anyway) than Ryan, who taught our Python course. (Don't worry, I like Ryan in his own way.) The funny part is he's in my grade (so Dan told me, and once we got to class, I recognized him, and I think he was even in 260 with us haha), but that's ok cuz supposedly he knows this stuff really well, and I don't think that's an exaggeration. He's starting with the very basics of Linux, which is awesome because that's what I need! I'm really excited for this class, cuz like databases, I'm gonna learn something that I know almost nothing about beforehand...except Linux is just kinda cooler than databases from the start. :P Also I noticed I am one of like three total girls in the class; all the rest is guys. Oh well haha.


The semester is gonna be crazy, I bet. 262 alone could drown me in painful work. I am hoping databases and Linux won't be bad, and hopefully interesting!! Web design should be good too, maybe my only semi-respite from the rest. I can see 460 being really intense, because if 277 was really intense and it was just the "intro" to this class, then we all must be really in for it. And music, well, it'll be its own kind of crazy, I'm afraid. I really did think I was pretty much done with writing. I guess it's a good skill to prune every once in awhile, at least (hahaha). Very different from last semester and even last year - no psych, music is back, digging 260-type of thinking out for 262, and totally ground-level new subjects. At the very least, it will be interesting. Here we goooo! (This good mood I've been in recently must be in part because I have done almost no work yet...possibly due to the fact I am lacking some key textbooks... I will need to beginning devoting time and energy to work-mode soon.)


Results: speed blogging? Kind of failed. Partly by distraction of thinking of Jeff and Sunita, which led to emailing Jeff, and also by a bit of chatting with Carlin. I'll try harder in the future.

First few days back at Penn

Junior year at Penn, AHHH!! But I really have been enjoying these first days back. :)

~ Thursday (Aug 28)

Ok I wasn't quite at Penn on Thursday. Instead I was still home and after a few days of laziness I had to start getting ready to go back. So what did I do? I started organizing papers and other stuff I'd never really put away from last year, haha. And also went through papers on my desk, most of which were definitely older than last year. I think my mom started gathering up things and adding to the collection of things I just stored in the basement from last year.


~Friday (Aug 29)

For some reason I continued said paper organization while my mom went through multiple lists of "college stuff" that I happened to come across and asked me to find some things. Eventually I endured the process of selecting which clothes to bring and which to leave home - very difficult for me, considering how indecisive I am. ("ummm....I might want to wear this....?" haha.) For as much as Mom recommended I should try to bring fewer clothes, I have to give her credit for firstly managing to pack clothes very space-efficiently, AND to fit in a number of extra things I decided that I wanted after all, last minute.

That night, I was tired, even though Mom seriously did probably 98% of the actual packing (and by the way, my clothes took up my 3 nesting suitcases along with a large duffel bag that contained mostly just my sweatshirts haha). So I spent some time playing Guitar Hero with Greg. Being as it was my last night at home, I attempted the songs on "hard" level, and hahaha I was really bad now that the orange 5th key was added :P . Anyway it was fun :) so maybe I can find someone at Penn to play it with.

At night I got a strange yet familiar feeling that was a mix of perhaps loneliness and homesickness - even though I had not left home yet, and have never really been homesick while at college. I just kinda realized I was leaving home, and would be making the switch "back to" the Penn routine, except all new again this time with the start of a new year.


~Saturday (Aug 30)

The big truck-loading day, aka MOVE-IN! My stuff covered approximately half of one vehicle's worth of space in my garage which I found funny almost every time I looked at it. My dad organized stuff in the bed of his Ford F150 pickup with Peter's help and Mom and I put stuff into 2.5 of the 3 seats of space in the back of the quad cab. This I again found hilarious as my mom repeated that I had too much stuff. Somehow we fit everything (well...I did want to bring a carpet piece for our common room, but there was no room for this) and covered the back with a tarp secured by bungee cords. I fit into the small space that remained in the backseat and Mom, Dad, and Peter sat in front. Greg had work so he didn't come with us, but I did get to say goodbye to him before he left :) .

We got to campus around 12:15 and got a space to park on Locust Walk. I am in 1209 in Rodin, and it's my first year that I have to take an elevator to get to my room. (Freshman year was first floor in Rodin, so I always took stairs. Sophomore year was second floor in Stouffer, so...that was just a bunch of stairs, both outdoors and indoors, haha.) It took 3 cartloads to move everything to my room, which I didn't think was too bad, especially after I heard that someone needed 7 cartloads. O:-)

Simone, Tatini, and I are rooming together in a triple, with three bedrooms, bathroom (a sink inside and another outside), a kitchenette (including oven and full-size refrigerator), and a common room. The far bedroom on the end is quite a bit bigger than the other two, though, so I figured we should decide ahead of time who would get which room. For whatever reasons of their own, Simone and Tatini both assured me it was fine if I had the big room, so I began moving into it. It's larger than any room I've lived in before at Penn, and certainly more spacious than my Stouffer 253E from last year (a point my mom was kind of glorying in...really, I didn't think Stouffer was so bad!). Half my window-wall is a ceiling-to-floor window, most of which are covered by my blue curtains. (I pull the blinds down enough to cover the top part when need be.) The other half is a ceiling-to-a/c-and-heat-unit window. I just use the blinds for this one. My view, by the way, is of the lovely - oh wait, actually it's pretty ugly from the outside - and expensive just-off-campus apartment building, the Radian. It's dark gray and kind of looks like corrugated metal. If I look to the right I can see some of the city, but...I know some other rooms have much prettier views. Ah well. One thing that is a bit annoying, I've learned, is that having such large windows also means I've got a lot of blinds and curtains to close if I don't want Radian residents watching me change clothes...

Anyway, my family was VERY helpful of course. After eating lunch that Mom packed :), we began... we got stuff out of boxes (so they could take empty boxes back home); Mom set up my bed; we moved my chest of drawers and the desk drawers (put the printer on top of those); and though it took like ten minutes and we almost thought something was wrong with it, Dad and Peter finally got my new green "sphere" chair from Target to open up. It's really comfortable... I was not very helpful, actually, because while I was setting things up, Tatini arrived. Simone was already here and had met our GA, Neil, so she went with me and Tatini to go visit him. He's really friendly and definitely into music, and has an awesome British accent!! (since that's where he's from.) When I got back it wasn't long till the basic room setup was done, express-style. We said goodbyes, then walked over to Starbucks in Commons for some drinks, and then Mom, Dad, and Peter got into the truck and headed home. Here goes the year...

So I think then JoAnna stopped by and we all talked, which was fun. I knew her a little bit through Tatini but hopefully now since we're living on the same floor I'll get to know her better. Amidst this, I was trying to figure out if I'd be going to the NSO art museum thing with Danny, since he'd asked me a few days before move-in if maybe I'd like to go. As an RA I guess he was supposed to go to supervise or something. At any rate he managed to borrow an NSO bracelet for me, so we pretended I was a freshman and took the bus over to the museum. The food was pretty good actually (and free, which is always important), so we ate and conversed a bit, of course having to speak loudly over the music. We did stroll through some rooms with art but then since I'd never gone outside to the back(?) side of the building, we headed out there. There's a large fountain out on what feels large enough to be like a plaza, sort of, and then a lot of stairs that I think take you all the way down to the street. The city was beautiful with all its lights at night, so we chatted and enjoyed the view.

After taking the bus back to campus, since it was such gorgeous weather, we headed over to the Stouffer patio. Of course it felt all just like last year, walking the Spruce Street sidewalk past Wawa, the salad places, Savory, and Beijing, then swiping in at the guard booth and up all those stairs... ah Stouffer :). Well the hammock was occupied so we sat on one of the tables till it was free, then moved to it. We talked for awhile, though it felt more like I was talking about a bunch of perhaps random topics and opinions, possibly relating to my life, that I'm not really sure whether Danny was interested in hearing about or not. Also while we were on the hammock, gg aim-texted me (ok so I'm inventing that phrase lol) and asked if I'd moved in and would we be able to talk? I said yeah (to moving in), and sorry, my computer wasn't set up, and he said to just enjoy the night, so of course I thought this was sweet as always.

Finally we decided maybe we should get going (I think it was 11-something) and then on the way back I asked if I could see his room, so then we went up there and being me I said I'd hang out for a bit, so then we talked some more (or I went on about whatever, some more)...eventually it almost started feeling like the whole night had been some kind of date, and I think around 12:45 I finally headed back to my room. Then I had to stop and chat with Simone, which was nice, but after that it was even later! At last I took a shower, and Simone was right, it felt reallyyy good. I did discover though that our water is "wired" backwards, as in pointing the shower handle to cold or turning on the right-hand sink handle gives you hot water instead, and the reverse. I've considered reporting this to Facilities, but I doubt it would be easily fixed. So I think I can live with it, except when I go back home I'm gonna be all mixed up.

Oh and by the way, funny story. While arranging furniture etc. I decided to plug in the provided lamp to a different outlet. I tested it and it worked. Then in the evening it wouldn't turn on! I was afraid something was wrong with the outlet so I tried plugging in something else, and it didn't work either. So I wired the lamp all the way back to my own power strip and knew that this was really not going to work as a long-term solution but I really didn't want to have to get Facilities to fix an outlet.... Some hours later I looked again at the lamp, and then saw the lightswitch on the wall...and it was turned off. Soooo I finally figured it out and was so thankful that my outlet works. hahahaha.


~Sunday (Aug 31)

In the morning was the Penn Traditions event for NSO, at which the band was supposed to play a few things. Originally I seriously considered skipping this and going to Mass at 10, which is when I like to go, but it was the first band event I was around for, and I could go to Mass later. So I decided to go to the band thing, also expecting we were getting food. Many of my clothes were still packed haha but I found jeans. When I got to the band room I got my new band shirt, YAY - blue and red striped rugby shirt (really thick..) and it fits, which is definitely much more awesome than our old (and fairly worn-out looking) polos. Becca is no longer the drum major and for her last semester here, is now back with the clarinets, yay! The event, by the way, consisted of lots of waiting around (getting hungrier), then us playing a few Penn songs. At the end we finally got something to eat but there was not much left, so when I got back to my room I decided now was as good a time as ever to make my first waffles of the year. (This idea was also supported by the fact that I had not shopped for any food yet and the waffle mix requires only water and oil.) Unfortunately, even though it really did usually work last year, the batter stuck really badly to the iron and I must've spent 10 or 15 minutes scraping it out. This was rather frustrating and I promised myself to ask Mom what to do about this before next time. The waffles, though in many many pieces, definitely tasted good. Even with the cheapest syrup ever, which I bought last year.

Well after that at least I wasn't so hungry anymore, and worked on some unpacking. I really like my room... Even though I maintain that I'm fine with a small space and actually it'll get a bit messy and then feels cozy, I guess before this room I hadn't really had a more spacious abode, but now that I do, the open space kind of feels good somehow. Also I have plenty of room for the sphere chair, not that I've spent any time sitting in it as of yet lol. The only thing I might like is some kind of carpet for the floor space. I also like my really large windows, even if they do look out on the Radian. At least at night the Radian looks a little better; there are large lit areas towards the bottom of it and you can't really see the weird metal-looking siding or whatever it is.

Since I'd gone to the thing in the morning with band, I went to the 5pm Mass at St. AJ's. Fr. Zlock said the Mass and he's a pretty strong speaker and it kinda felt good to be back. One of the women in the choir announced that if anyone wanted to join a choir that would be great since people had graduated. I've wanted since last year to play clarinet with the choir at church so this was my calling to go ask about it. When I talked to them, they said they had a Bb book and would love to have me in their group; I explained though that I preferred 10am as my Mass time, but one man took my email and I'll have to look into how their rehearsal times will fit into my schedule. I'm hoping this will be a good way to play my clarinet since I won't be doing it in wind ensemble this year, weird as that may or may not be, lol. (By the way, when I got back to my room, for some reason I was too tired or lazy to do any more unpacking work so I sat around for an hour.)

Ooh so that night, Tatini and her parents took me, Simone, and JoAnna out to dinner at Marathon! We sat outside since it was nice out again. Or maybe because they didn't have tables inside, but whatever. Unfortunately they were so busy that they had actually run out of a bunch of foods, and after the waitress read off the list of those foods, I found a dish I really wanted (something with roasted turkey I think it was) that I'd never had before. But alas, instead I had the whole wheat ravioli which I had had another time. Anyway it was still pretty good and we all had a nice talk, even if it was about classes, haha. Tatini's parents treated us, which was reallyyy nice of them. Afterwards we went to Ben & Jerry's and I think I got Cake Batter..? Anyway it was good, though the small cup was still too much so I recruited Simone to eat some of it.

That night I went over to Rebecca's. She has a single over in Harnwell, which is a pretty nice setup - lots of space. So we had coffee and chocolate and talked, and then Ben and Eamonn and Becca joined us and then we all watched Anchorman as part of a goal for me to watch movies that everybody but me has seen. It isn't my typical kind of comedy but at least some of it was funny, as long as I kept in mind that it's all designed to be ridiculous. And maybe if I remember them, I'll understand when people reference it now.. It was fun with everybody there though :)


~Monday (Sept 1)

Yeah...so I must have stayed up forever the night before, and I slept in till like 1:15pm. When I got up, I ate cereal, because no matter the time of day at which I finally get out of bed, I like to eat breakfast food first. Once dressed and all that, I went to the poster sale outside the bookstore, and despite paging through a number of books full of posters in the sweat-inducing heat, I could not find any that really struck me. So for now I will populate my walls with whatever I have from previous years, including a Pirates of the Caribbean poster, a drawing project I made in my high school art class (subject: Orlando Bloom), and a large printout of a design I made in Digital Design Foundations, first semester of freshman year. I've considered looking for another poster online, though of what I'm not sure...

I guess I kind of did some more unpacking that afternoon, then at 6pm Simone brought me along to a bowling event/info session for the Netter Center for Community Partnerships. Simone and I met a sophomore transfer student named Colin and the three of us shared a lane for bowling. It was a lot of fun; I think all of us got some spares and strikes at some point, even though the computer sometimes posted them as only 8 pins down (haha), and I took some pictures of the scoreboard. In between our turns we chatted with Colin and got dinner. When we stopped so they could explain the various programs run by the CCP, I felt there were maybe one or two of them that I might be interested in, but with so many other things I'm trying to get into this semester, I don't know if I'd have time in the week for them. Then I felt kind of bad for going to this free bowling and free food event if I'm probably not going to be involved =/ .

After the event Simone and I stopped at the bookstore. I found a textbook called Types and Programming Languages written by Benjamin C. Pierce, my CSE 260 professor, so that was cool. It seems like he really knows his stuff out there. He was pretty interesting as a professor, too. I found my books for 262 and 330 but they were both like $90 or $100 for a used copy, not that there were any. (So I didn't get them.) I didn't find any other books for classes I'm actually taking, but I did find the books for the popular music class and the cognitive neuroscience class - both are at the same time slot as databases (330), so I mourned over the sadness of these lost opportunities yet again while glancing at the books.

On the way home Simone needed to stop over at Yi Li's place, so I got to see an apartment in Chestnut Hall (off campus housing, on 39th I believe). It's definitely nice; perhaps most noticeably just from the carpeting...but my instinct is that I'll still be in campus housing for my last year. It still seems more convenient and there's less real-world stuff to worry about (utility bills or something), though that would probably be a good thing to learn about.

Most likely I was up late again that night, maybe talking to a couple people, which does nothing in terms of productivity, but in some way, feels important and valuable to me nonetheless.


~Tuesday (Sept 2)

It was the last day before classes began and I did not even wake up till after 1. When I woke up I heard people talking in the common room and realized Nick was visiting. I really wanted to go see him but was still in pajamas haha. Finally I just put on another shirt and went out to say hi. It was a lot of fun talking with Nick and Tatini and I also met his friend Caitlin who just transferred here. I then walked down the hall to see Nick's room. (He's in a triple with Ben and a sophomore; I think his name is Chris.)

After this Tatini and Nick were planning to meet somewhere with Marcela but I suddenly realized it was Tuesday and Convocation was that night, at which I had to play with the band. I decided to make the most of the short time I had left in the afternoon. I quickly took inventory of the groceries my mom and I had gotten back home, then looked through the recipes she gave me and sorta scribbled out a grocery list. I must say I think I made a very efficient Fresh Grocer shopping trip, especially considering I don't know where some things are in that store. (Still, when I later really took stock of what I got and the recipes, it turned out I could only make a few things. But it's a start!)

When I got back and stashed away groceries, I dressed in full band attire - much improved by the new striped rugby shirts but still not-so-hot with the khakis. Now that I have to take an elevator up and down in Rodin every day, I get to experience the minor awkwardness of being in it with the band outfit...but, haha, it's okay. At the band room we convened and maybe played something, then went over to Logan Hall (which is renamed to Claudia Cohen Hall or something) and got to eat dinner along with the other volunteers for Convocation. It was catered and it was really good (yay!). The band split up to lead freshman processions to College Green and my contingent started at the high rises. Once we got there, there was more waiting, so we played Land of 1000 Dances which was soo much fun, then I guess some other stuff and a Penn song or something. The speeches... Some people said some cliche kinds of things, and now that I'm halfway through, I could probably say that it's not quite as amazing an experience as they might make it out to be, but then again, that could be particular to me. Anyhow, afterwards was the famous dessert reception, which was crazy of course. I ate two things and felt like I couldn't eat any more (they're big...), but it felt like a waste to not experience more of them, even if they're mostly or all the same as previous years. So I took a large chocolate frosted cupcake (with a red and blue P on top) back to my room with me.

Back in my room I took a shower (which felt really nice) and then I really wanted to see Dan since I'd been back already a few days and had yet to see him. However I talked to him online and he was busy working (ITA case), so I joked that I was upset since I missed him and he'd actually said he missed me, so we sorta planned we could do lunch the next day :) . And even though classes were starting the next day, I didn't worry that I was staying up late that night since my one and only class was not till 1:30pm.


...
I can definitely say I'm having a good return to Penn :D. It's been a lot of fun seeing everybody; I kinda didn't realize I was missing them till I've been able to talk with them now. It's probably good for me being with roommates again too (especially Tatini and Simone!). I'm so glad I'm enjoying it all and am happy. I just hope it can last into the year, when the real work gets going.