- "Ghost"

Lately I've been thinking
Lately I've been dreaming with you

(Howie Day)

Writing and I,

our relationship is a twist of struggle and joy.  Sometimes I sit there like: I have got to get this thought out.  But then several of them crowd my mind, and I don't even know where to start.  Furthermore, I start worrying about how the post-to-be will portray my personality (to the few that read it... thanks, guys).  I want to write about some realization or thought about the way life works, but it can't be too deep because then it looks like I'm trying too hard.  I want to write these summarizing lists to try to briefly somehow capture a whole bunch of good or important points in my life, but would such a list be of importance or interest only to myself?  I feel like the answer is somewhere in the middle, but it's hard to pinpoint.  What I dream of most is to somehow express who I am with a clarity that would not come through in some other mode of communication -- in interacting with everyone on a daily (or occasional) basis.  I suppose the key to that is to wipe all these blocks clean off the mental table and to simply dive in, whatever the subject may be, and at whatever time it comes to mind.  This would be akin to a stream of consciousness, although filtered and at (hopefully the more interesting) intervals.  Of course, this digs at my tendency to worry... a characteristic I've harbored for a long, long time.  Well, now is always the time to try to let go of that.  I would probably be happier for it too.

Appearance

It's kinda funny; I used to wear sweatshirts all winter, t-shirts often in the summer.  Hair would be up, because I was always time-crunched enough as it was, fitting in the shower before class -- no time for blow-drying.  I reveled in this style, or lack thereof, perhaps.  It was easy, comfortable, and exuded laziness.  (I'm not sure why I liked the laziness portrayal, actually...)

Don't get me wrong.  I still love my sweatshirts.  But somewhere around halfway through college, I realized I liked putting a little more time into appearance.  You always feel better walking around during the day if you're in a good outfit and your hair came out nicely.  Add the makeup for the night out, and you walk out of that door feeling a little bit like magic.  Maybe you'll catch the eye of someone on whom yours has been...

I love the taste of all that.  But we can't do it all the time.  I mean, right now, my hair is up (sort of), with bangs pushed to both sides, carelessly enough that a few strands are criss-crossed in the middle.  And I'm wearing the same shirt as yesterday (but shh, I don't think it really counts, considering I didn't get dressed til after 5pm yesterday...).  I think of those 4am moments: after working hunched over at my computer for hours, I get up to get ready for bed (though I've barely enough energy to convince myself not to just collapse into it).  I look in the mirror and think, holy crap, I look so horribly tired.  The same thought usually applies when I have to wake up only several hours later, which is certainly not enough sleep...

If I dare make generalized statements, we're pretty appearance-conscious, yet I think we all have moments like that.  The people we let in on our not-so-groomed selves -- they're kind of seeing us in an off-guard moment.  It's a nice reaffirmation that looking good is good fun, but we've got our real selves underneath that, and we still like each other.

Maybe it's a girly dream, but I can't help picturing some future day when I've got this comfort level with a guy.  Certainly not to say I think guys are that superficial, but, we all try so hard to look good for each other that it would be refreshing and freeing, I think, to know that someone likes you all the same when you look like crap.

Something like parachuting in to work

Since I was standing in the shower this morning and suddenly remembered the odd dream I had last night, I thought I might post it.  (I have weird dreams very often but I usually forget them really quickly.)

As dreams usually do, this one had familiar elements taken from my actual life but befitted with characteristics that were definitely not right.  I guess I was working at DJ, and I had to get there on what seemed like my first day.  (I changed my outfit and shoes a couple times; guess I was worrying about looking good...)  For some reason Matt was driving me, which makes no sense in real life since we live in different directions from the location.  The route didn't look familiar anyhow.  But he was also driving several other interns or new hires, interestingly enough.

The best part is that when we were almost there, at this particular traffic light, it was apparently time to somehow take off into the air, straight from his car, by tying this string to our fingers -- the other end of which, I presume, was attached to a parachute or something similarly designed to get us airborne.  While the others that were riding with us seemed to be taking off with no problem, I for some reason was having difficulty.  Matt tried to help me, and I freaked out because he was driving, so I leaned back across him and grabbed the steering wheel and made sure we didn't get into an accident.  But then we passed through the critical intersection, and it was too late for me to take flight.  So Matt drove the rest of the way and we parked in this large scruffy parking lot.  Then we headed inside, and I remember feeling like I kind of let him down.  (Haha, I'm really glad DJ is not actually like this.)

After a good night...

I often find myself lingering, cuz I've got some kind of nice outfit on and makeup and maybe earrings I like, and my hair looks good (or at least it did when I headed out, haha)...  And I feel a bit sad to change into pajamas, go over to the sink and rub the makeup off.  An old Hard Rock Cafe t-shirt and a pair of Calvin Klein pajama pants (not even plaid!) for which I somewhere have a matching top, probably stuffed at the bottom of a dresser drawer -- they just can't really compare.  Though, I guess lazy and mismatched clothes imply a letting-go sense that is appropriate for heading to sleep.

I really love nights that kind of spontaneously turn out to be just really good.  Sometimes I can hardly believe how happy I am, how lucky I am to have these friends and to be meeting new awesome people and having such fun.  These moments make me believe life truly is good.