a little lost

As I prepared to get in the shower tonight, like I do on every typical night, I noticed once again that I've still got slivers of teal-green nail polish at the tops of both my big toenails.  Those bits of color remain from (no joke) last June or July.  The summer's memories come back for a moment - warmth (a particularly nostalgic one, considering how tired I'm getting of bundling up in heavy clothes and layers these days), sunshine, a new friend with a shared passion, learning to make trips to NYC on my own as I found how much I liked their blues dancing scene.

Accomplishments.  When I realize the steps I made over the summer, the new experiences then that are now under my belt, I feel good.  But as I shower (always a useful time for thinking), I attempt to summarize the big picture.  Where am I, in growing up?

I guess the summary would be that I'm not an adult yet.  Yeah, I'm way past the legal milestones of 18 and 21 years of age.  And more importantly, I have some major things checked off.  I graduated college - it was a hell of a hard time sometimes, but I got through it.  I've been beyond lucky in my internship experiences, always working with wonderful people and learning things, and the icing on that cake was attaining a full-time job to start immediately after graduation.  I have my own apartment now, and right in the location I want, no less.  In no way am I looking past these.  They are major achievements in the game of Life (ha), and sometimes I feel so lucky (for these successes as well as other goodness in my life) that I figure my luck is overdue to run out and something is not going to work out for me soon.

My nature, though, is to analyze, largely including my own thoughts and experiences.  Of late I have been noticing some ways in which certainly I have some adult steps yet ahead of me.  Some are kind of straightforward: find a dentist near where I live so I can start going for yearly checkups and avoid possible awful tooth problems later.  Some are going to require some learning: how to do my taxes, so my dad does not have to do them for me.  Some are going to require some serious habit changes and effort to tackle an issue I have had difficulty with so far: cooking and eating better.

Those are a few concrete to-do/to-learn items.  I am also just beginning to realize that I need to find my balance.  There are so many activities I want to do: new things I want to try, learn, practice, and existing ones I don't want to lose time to fit in.  And amidst this, I want to see friends, or talk with those who aren't local.  This monumental set of desires really can't be accomplished all at once.  Sleep is important, as I have long been aware, but beyond that, I'm starting to feel tired from all the running around trying to do everything.  Relaxation and self time - including learning to be comfortable with time by myself - is key.

Maybe sometimes I need to remind myself I can't do everything at once, or try to start fixing or accomplishing all the steps at the same time.  Life is long, and I have time to work on things, and to try things, and to learn more about what I like and how I want to live.