Sunday, February 28, 2010

But I cannot forget, refuse to regret

I walk home slowly.  It's nice, since 99 percent of the time I'm speed walking to my next commitment and will probably be late anyway.  Since I remembered finally to charge my iPod, I select the songs for the walk: Human Nature, by Michael Jackson, and She Says, by Howie Day.  I need something soothing for my thoughts.

Or maybe they're just ridiculous.  I take the elevator up and I know I'm dead tired, but I don't want to change into pajamas (which are way more comfortable) nor smear off the makeup yet.  I'd rather entertain in my imagination that the night's continuing.  I'm laughing, then lifting my eyes to meet those of that person I want to be hanging out with.

But... I'm not even sure all the time who that person is.

Much as I do like to ignore it, I think I'm sensing the reality of the pointless situation moreso now.  Maybe that means I'm dealing with it a little bit.

I think I'm looking for distractions too, though.  I try to spend my time with various friends, and enjoying that time keeps me from dealing with my thoughts when I'm alone.  And as I run around to all sorts of fun things, I look for whom upon to place my "that person" attention.  So give me the superficial, the new random crushes, the boy of the night with whom I know nothing will happen anyhow.  Am I just giddy, high on this shallow feeling and the taste of the game played by two?

At the end of the night, no matter how late I've stayed out, I'm coming home to cuddle with my pillow as I lie there and run the day's situations through my head.  Fun is great, really.  I am appreciating it.  But what I'm missing, I think, is something more real and more fundamental.  It's got the meaning to make it last through time.  Or so I suppose, or assume, or whatever.  I don't really know if I even understand.  But I'm feeling the lack of something like this, and so I'm hoping for the twists of life paths that will bring it into mine.  Sometime soon, perhaps.

(title: "The Sun" - Maroon 5)
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