But I cannot forget, refuse to regret

I walk home slowly.  It's nice, since 99 percent of the time I'm speed walking to my next commitment and will probably be late anyway.  Since I remembered finally to charge my iPod, I select the songs for the walk: Human Nature, by Michael Jackson, and She Says, by Howie Day.  I need something soothing for my thoughts.

Or maybe they're just ridiculous.  I take the elevator up and I know I'm dead tired, but I don't want to change into pajamas (which are way more comfortable) nor smear off the makeup yet.  I'd rather entertain in my imagination that the night's continuing.  I'm laughing, then lifting my eyes to meet those of that person I want to be hanging out with.

But... I'm not even sure all the time who that person is.

Much as I do like to ignore it, I think I'm sensing the reality of the pointless situation moreso now.  Maybe that means I'm dealing with it a little bit.

I think I'm looking for distractions too, though.  I try to spend my time with various friends, and enjoying that time keeps me from dealing with my thoughts when I'm alone.  And as I run around to all sorts of fun things, I look for whom upon to place my "that person" attention.  So give me the superficial, the new random crushes, the boy of the night with whom I know nothing will happen anyhow.  Am I just giddy, high on this shallow feeling and the taste of the game played by two?

At the end of the night, no matter how late I've stayed out, I'm coming home to cuddle with my pillow as I lie there and run the day's situations through my head.  Fun is great, really.  I am appreciating it.  But what I'm missing, I think, is something more real and more fundamental.  It's got the meaning to make it last through time.  Or so I suppose, or assume, or whatever.  I don't really know if I even understand.  But I'm feeling the lack of something like this, and so I'm hoping for the twists of life paths that will bring it into mine.  Sometime soon, perhaps.

(title: "The Sun" - Maroon 5)

from Facebook chat

In regards to doppelganger week on Facebook:


me: hiii

friend: hey hows it going piper parabo

me: hahahah
me: yeah what do you think bout that..accurate?

friend: haha brian saw your picture and was sooo confused ... hes like did tory's personality change in the last few months? I'm like why. Hes like have you seen her facebook picture? And i started laughing because I had already seen it

me: HAHAHAHAHAHAHA

friend: it took me a second to realize it wasnt u when i first saw it

me: oooomg
me: well i guess it's not too bad of a match.

A piece of clarity

friend: hrm
friend: i mean if you can't step forward
friend: you can stay where you are or move back
friend: no matter what in 3 months it's gone

me: that's a nice simple analysis... i like it

text message 3

from: me
sent: Feb 4, 9:41am

Great little story I forgot to tell you. Yesterday I was sitting next to my rhythm partner before the lesson and I took off my sweatpants and he looks over and goes, "woah. was not expecting that." hahahaha it was great.

I like snow

Everyone gets at least a little excited, I think, when a good amount of snow is in the forecast.  (Well, perhaps not if you're traveling, but let's put that aside for a moment.)  It kind of brings people together because we're all talking about it, like we do the Olympics and other somewhat universal events.

Snow teaches us to handle the unexpected.  People are scrambling a bit, stocking groceries, checking and rearranging and canceling various plans.  We make it work in the end, though.

It teaches us to go on anyway.  As not everything grinds to a halt, we venture out bravely with our ski jackets, boots, and waterproof gloves.  After tromping on through the accumulation and braving the wind and ice, we arrive at our destinations with a little extra satisfaction just from having made it.

Snow reminds us to play.  I always enjoy seeing the way we become like kids in the snow.  We can't resist that silly joy of throwing snowballs at our friends and tackling each other down.  And I've seen a snowman or two and a crazy snow fort pop up on campus.  (Hey, my brothers and I used to build igloos from the piles of snow shoveled off our driveway when we were kids.)

Snow gives us a whole new spectrum of opportunity for crazy edge-of-danger activities.  I don't get out there enough to know this, but my brother has said that real snow makes for the best skiing/boarding slopes.  So we throw caution to the wind just enough to thrill us and go flying down mountains.  Maybe we come home with an extra bruise or two - but that's part of the fun.

It seems to me that the snow makes us a bit less self-conscious and a bit more accepting.  We wear our puffy jackets; we put up our hoods.  When we all finally tramp inside and sit down with some hot drinks to warm up, we strip off a few of the layers and the winter warmth accessories and just chat merrily, not minding anyone's messy hair or sweatshirts dampened by rogue mostly-melted snowballs.  And our day becomes little bit brighter.

Text message 2

sent: January 22, 3:23pm
from: me
to: David

"Damn why do there have to be so many cute jewish boys in this school?"

received: January 22, 3:30pm
from: David
to: me

"Transfer to notre dame"