what it's like, missing him

walked through my lobby, and saw two girls sitting on one of the couches, talking.

walked by the philly diner.

looked through those pictures, from that night, and still thought they were funny.

laughed over a few dirty jokes with a friend, and felt that twinge of sadness.

listened to a song i came to really like because of him; tried to make the lyrics mean something different in my head.

saw a facebook friend's profile picture in which she was kissing a guy.

read another facebook friend's status: "[so and so] loves him."

imagined myself going to that starbucks sometime, by myself, up to the second floor, sitting down at a table...

amidst a stack of papers on my desk, saw a couple of programs from the night we went to two shows together, and remembered how he tried to make me keep his ticket stub too, "to remember him by".

listened to a song i like which has repeating lyrics that say "baby you're, in my arms" and knew that wasn't gonna happen anymore.

asked my roommate if she minded if a guy friend of mine came over for a bit, kinda late at night, the way i used to ask when he was going to come.. but this time it wasn't him.

walked over to wawa and bought coffee and a pretzel, around 11:30pm, by myself...

talked with him online a little and felt a bit strained, if not a little scared... even got brave enough to mention a normal topic, and he said something funny, and i laughed but it hurt because that's the kind of enjoyment i'm now missing.

remembered that time when i ran into him unexpectedly in my lobby and how good it felt to see him and be with him for just those five minutes.

listened to his voice on the phone, listened to the way he talked, and wanted to cry because i probably wouldn't be having those good conversations with him much anymore, if at all.

a daft punk song came on to remind me that all they played at the alley was daft punk remixes, that time we went bowling together.

thought of all the things i had wanted to do with him.

remembered how when he met him, my good friend said he seemed like a really good guy.

thought of when he wanted me to go out of my way, walking with him through the cold, so he could spend more time with me. i felt special and wanted.

curled up in bed at night, put my face into my round fuzzy squishy pillow that he liked, and inhaled, but it only faintly smelled like him. (and maybe i was wishing that faint scent into existence.)

went to the place that used to be called bucks county coffee with a friend, and remembered paying for his coffee the time we went there.

saw someone signing in a friend at the desk, and thought about how the guest logs suddenly won't have his name in it all the time anymore.

...

the interesting thing is this. i am able to think of other things, and not about him. and then, it doesn't hurt (obviously). this is a good thing, cuz i have so much work and it does require thinking and concentration. but... i want to hurt for him. i want to think about him and miss him and yeah sometimes, i want to cry for not being able to be with him anymore. it's bittersweet... and i think that's the reason why i want the hurt.