Driving at night and listening to the radio usually gets me into a ponderous mood. Tonight as I came to the end of my (short) drive home, I started getting this feeling. It was kind of like anxiously excited, anticipating something that I was nervous about but wanted. I can probably blame the music for being in my mind at the moment, but this feeling was tinted with the thought of being close with a guy. Not really one guy in particular though... There were probably about three in my mind, each in some way. I know I wasn't going to be with any of them (being close, I mean), not tonight and more than likely not soon, and maybe never. A part of it, I figure, was an infusion of missing someone, and somehow being excited as if I was looking forward to being with him. It's like the night inspired this excitement, but there was nothing actually for which to be excited, and so... I stayed in the car, in the driveway, finishing up listening to that song. Then I was left with the feeling, letting it be whatever it was, because that's all there could be to it.
--
When your only friends are hotel rooms
Hands are distant lullabies
If I could turn around I would tonight
These roads never seemed so long
Since your paper heart stopped beating leaving me suddenly alone
Will daybreak ever come?
Who's gonna call on Sunday morning?
Who's gonna drive you home?
I just want one more chance
To put my arms in fragile hands
I thought you said forever
Over and over
A sleepless night becomes bitter oblivion
These thoughts run through my head
Over and over
Complaints of violins become my only friends
August evenings
Bring solemn warnings
To remember to kiss the ones you love goodnight
You never know what temporal days may bring
Laugh, love, live free and sing
When life is in discord
Praise ye the lord
Who's gonna call on Sunday morning?
Who's gonna drive you home?
I just want one more chance
To put my arms in fragile hands
I thought you said forever
Over and over
The sleepless night becomes bitter oblivion
These thoughts run through my head
Over and over
Complaints of violins become my only friends
I thought you said forever
over and over
The sleepless night becomes bitter oblivion
These thoughts run through my head
over and over
Complaints of violins become my only friends
I thought you said forever
over and over
These thoughts run through my head
(http://www.plyrics.com/lyrics/anberlin/paperthinhymn.html)
Tuesday, December 30, 2008
Monday, December 29, 2008
flirting... via texting
Actually for a long time I hadn't really been sure what flirting is. Maybe I should say "haven't", cuz I'm still not sure if I know what it is now... except I think I've done it. Sometimes I think that's what I'm doing with some of the guys at dance, ones I'm kinda friends with to various levels - either that, or I'm confusing it with the ridiculously happy mood that I'm usually in at the social lessons, and how that makes me all over-enthusiastic and bubbly. (At any rate, I don't really care; I think some of them have girlfriends, and I'm just happy anyway to be dancing, and they're nice guys so I like dancing with them and maybe running into them on Locust Walk, etc.) There is this one time that I did a damn good job of flirting, and okay, I am proud of it, haha. (It all came so easily, and was such fun, in such a devious-feeling way...)
But oh yeah, texting... I've often thought it an interesting method of communication, in terms of the potential for flirting. Clearly you are not face to face, which is both good and bad - it removes the pressure of having to respond right away, but you also lose the entire element of physical communication - the expressions, the movements, the little hints with the eyes, and all of those can be key (in their own subtle ways). By texting back and forth you can have a kind of "conversation", but it's easy and acceptable to let a bit of time pass in between responses. Then you can take a little time to figure out the response you want to give - much easier to keep the "going at it" going, if you want. I've also found it easier to throw in serious bits of conversation, if I want, without worrying much about awkwardness. Quite the dynamic, and hey, I enjoy it.
~
Looking out my window at some girl as I'm writing this
And I watch her eat a peach, the way she's biting it, biting it
And I probably shouldn't stare, but I am fighting it, fighting it
And I think that she's aware and kind of liking it, liking it
Hot girls, they can break me, break me
Hot girls, you know what you're doing
Now, hot girls, come and break me, break me
Hot girls, take me where you are going
On her motorbike, the way she's riding it, riding it
And she says it feels so good but she is hiding it, hiding it
Wet lips to cigarette and now she's striking it, lighting it
As she looks me in the eye, hell, she must know she's inviting it
Hot girls, they can break me, break me
Hot girls, you know what you're doing
Now, hot girls, come and break me, break me
Hot girls, take me where you are going
I've got nothing to prove, ain't got nothing to lose
If you need someone to use, I can take the abuse
holding up some paper to her window, she's writing her name
and number and I'm laughing as I'm dialing it, dialing it
I've got nothing to prove, ain't got nothing to lose
If you need someone to use, I can take the abuse
Hot girls, they can break me, break me
Hot girls, you know what you're doing
Now, hot girls, come and break me, break me
Hot girls, take me where you are going
Hot girls, they can break me, break me
Hot girls, you know what you're doing
Now, hot girls, come and break me, break me
Hot girls, take me where you are going
Hot girls, hot girls, hot girls, hot girls
(http://www.azlyrics.com/lyrics/inxs/hotgirls.html)
But oh yeah, texting... I've often thought it an interesting method of communication, in terms of the potential for flirting. Clearly you are not face to face, which is both good and bad - it removes the pressure of having to respond right away, but you also lose the entire element of physical communication - the expressions, the movements, the little hints with the eyes, and all of those can be key (in their own subtle ways). By texting back and forth you can have a kind of "conversation", but it's easy and acceptable to let a bit of time pass in between responses. Then you can take a little time to figure out the response you want to give - much easier to keep the "going at it" going, if you want. I've also found it easier to throw in serious bits of conversation, if I want, without worrying much about awkwardness. Quite the dynamic, and hey, I enjoy it.
~
Looking out my window at some girl as I'm writing this
And I watch her eat a peach, the way she's biting it, biting it
And I probably shouldn't stare, but I am fighting it, fighting it
And I think that she's aware and kind of liking it, liking it
Hot girls, they can break me, break me
Hot girls, you know what you're doing
Now, hot girls, come and break me, break me
Hot girls, take me where you are going
On her motorbike, the way she's riding it, riding it
And she says it feels so good but she is hiding it, hiding it
Wet lips to cigarette and now she's striking it, lighting it
As she looks me in the eye, hell, she must know she's inviting it
Hot girls, they can break me, break me
Hot girls, you know what you're doing
Now, hot girls, come and break me, break me
Hot girls, take me where you are going
I've got nothing to prove, ain't got nothing to lose
If you need someone to use, I can take the abuse
holding up some paper to her window, she's writing her name
and number and I'm laughing as I'm dialing it, dialing it
I've got nothing to prove, ain't got nothing to lose
If you need someone to use, I can take the abuse
Hot girls, they can break me, break me
Hot girls, you know what you're doing
Now, hot girls, come and break me, break me
Hot girls, take me where you are going
Hot girls, they can break me, break me
Hot girls, you know what you're doing
Now, hot girls, come and break me, break me
Hot girls, take me where you are going
Hot girls, hot girls, hot girls, hot girls
(http://www.azlyrics.com/lyrics/inxs/hotgirls.html)
Sunday, December 28, 2008
I love this song every time
Take a listen through the window
Take a lover on the radio
Ask her if she's got an answer
Do you know
Time enough to get a good one
Though they never seem to get done
I am standing for a reason
Do you know
[Chorus]
'Cause I don't know how
And I don't know where
We are we are
And I don't know why
I don't know if
We are we are
Seven days and not a return
Seven lives and not a thing learned
Take a lover on the highway
Do you know?
'Cause I am sleeping on a time bomb
And I am waiting for the light to come
You and I could get away now
Do you know
[Chorus]
I get up sometimes
Like somebody else
Am I just wasting time
For somebody else
Take a listen through the window
Another lover on the radio
Ask her if she's got an answer
Do you know?
[Chorus]
(http://www.azlyrics.com/lyrics/verticalhorizon/weare.html)
Take a lover on the radio
Ask her if she's got an answer
Do you know
Time enough to get a good one
Though they never seem to get done
I am standing for a reason
Do you know
[Chorus]
'Cause I don't know how
And I don't know where
We are we are
And I don't know why
I don't know if
We are we are
Seven days and not a return
Seven lives and not a thing learned
Take a lover on the highway
Do you know?
'Cause I am sleeping on a time bomb
And I am waiting for the light to come
You and I could get away now
Do you know
[Chorus]
I get up sometimes
Like somebody else
Am I just wasting time
For somebody else
Take a listen through the window
Another lover on the radio
Ask her if she's got an answer
Do you know?
[Chorus]
(http://www.azlyrics.com/lyrics/verticalhorizon/weare.html)
Saturday, December 27, 2008
Hahaha I'm a gudgeon
Thanks to Koosh for sending out this "word of the day" to Oxymoron (the Penn Band's random-discussion email listserve). The second definition is "a gullible person". O:-) Not always the best trait to have, but it does make for some funny moments. :D
"makin' me high"
It's the fallin' in love that's makin' me high
It's the being in love that makes me cry cry
You've got me fallin' in love
You're not like anybody I ever knew
But that don't mean that I don't know where we are
And though I find myself attracted to you
This time I'm trying not to go too far, cause
No matter how it starts it ends the same
Someone's always doing someone more
Trading in the passion for that taste of pain
It's only gonna happen again
It's the fallin' in love that's makin' me high
It's the being in love that makes me cry cry cry
It's the fallin' in love that's makin' me high
It's the being in love that makes me cry cry cry
All night... all night
And though I'm trying not to look in your eyes
Each time I do they kind of burn right through me
Don't want to lay down in a bed full of lies
And yet my heart is saying come and do me
Now we're just a web of mystery
A possibility of more to come
I'd rather leave the fantasy of what might be
But here I go fallin' again
It's the fallin' in love that's makin' me high
It's the being in love that makes me cry cry cry
It's the fallin' in love that's makin' me high
It's the being in love that makes me cry cry cry cry cry
It's the fallin' in love
(You got me falling in love, got me falling in love)
...
(http://www.allmichaeljackson.com/lyrics/itsthefallinginlove.html)
It's the being in love that makes me cry cry
You've got me fallin' in love
You're not like anybody I ever knew
But that don't mean that I don't know where we are
And though I find myself attracted to you
This time I'm trying not to go too far, cause
No matter how it starts it ends the same
Someone's always doing someone more
Trading in the passion for that taste of pain
It's only gonna happen again
It's the fallin' in love that's makin' me high
It's the being in love that makes me cry cry cry
It's the fallin' in love that's makin' me high
It's the being in love that makes me cry cry cry
All night... all night
And though I'm trying not to look in your eyes
Each time I do they kind of burn right through me
Don't want to lay down in a bed full of lies
And yet my heart is saying come and do me
Now we're just a web of mystery
A possibility of more to come
I'd rather leave the fantasy of what might be
But here I go fallin' again
It's the fallin' in love that's makin' me high
It's the being in love that makes me cry cry cry
It's the fallin' in love that's makin' me high
It's the being in love that makes me cry cry cry cry cry
It's the fallin' in love
(You got me falling in love, got me falling in love)
...
(http://www.allmichaeljackson.com/lyrics/itsthefallinginlove.html)
Thursday, December 25, 2008
Christmas(-tree-decorating) music
A few CDs my family listens to around Christmastime...
Christmas Country Rock is apparently obscure enough that I can't even find the cover image online. It is from 1990 (according to Amazon), but still, makes me wonder where my parents got it in the first place, haha. We've listened to this CD for years and years, as in, when my brothers and I were little, we'd run around our (then-much-smaller) living room and play on the plastic rocking horse or sit-n-spin to these songs. And we probably skipped most of the "slow songs" in the middle of the album. "Jingle Bell Rock" was definitely one of my favorites back then, and I was always excited when we finally made it to that song, cuz it was the last one on the album. (Did I not know about shuffle, or something?) Yet only yesterday did I find it slightly ironic that it's "Jingle Bell Rock" on a country album... When I was little I also loved "Blue Christmas" and hey, I still do. It was probably a number of years though before I began to appreciate the great jazz(?)-like piano playing on the song, though. The album may feel a little worn out - we've been listening to it for like 17 years - but it's kinda like a pair of slippers with a hole in them that you don't want to get rid of and actually still really like because they are familiar and comfy.
Vanessa Williams's Star Bright is just an awesome Christmas album. The three customer reviews on the Amazon page describe this feeling very well. The songs are based on traditional and well-known melodies, but are rearranged to be upbeat and new and just really fun to listen to (and musically well-done, in my opinion). And I agree with one reviewer who said the music is still reverent - to me, (some of) these songs sound like they are really celebrating the birth of Jesus. (I say "some of" because some are secular.) I love her voice as well; she can sing both powerfully and ponderingly (ok I made that word up), whichever a song calls for. I'm not sure how long my family has had this album (Amazon says it came out in 1996 which is earlier than I had thought), but it's definitely one I know I'm going to enjoy every year. :)
Hmm... trying to think of other Christmas albums that have become "classic" in my house. We have one of Kenny G's Christmas albums (I've discovered, thanks to Ruckus, that there are quite a few of them) and an acoustic guitar album, both of which are collections of relaxing renditions of well-known songs. Of course there's the Nutcracker, the brilliance of which I fully realized a few years ago - part of broadening musical taste, I'd like to say. And speaking of broader taste, while decorating the tree yesterday evening, our CD player shuffled to a Christmas album by Chicago, which someone gave to someone in our family as a gift. Nearly everyone else in my family proceeded to state how Chicago and Christmas songs just don't mix at all, blah blah... I didn't think it was quite that bad, but after a song and a half or so, I think we did put on something else.
I've just come back from Christmas Eve Mass, which included quite a lot of music. Most of it was very traditional songs, sung by the choir and accompanied by piano, sometimes with handbells. The readings were interspersed with song verses, and the priest sang all the prayers that precede Eucharist. This abundance of music made me notice a few things. One's that I was able to pay much better attention if I had the hymnal out in front of me and followed the words of the current song - i.e. this mitigated quite a lot of my focusing problem. And though I've heard these songs many times, by focusing I found myself trying to find new meaning in them. Or at least I tried to immerse myself in the scene of the night of the birth of Christ - the stable, the gentle mother Mary, the curiosity of the shepherds, the angels, and above all, the joy to be found in the love embodied in the gift of God's Son. (I also started imagining scenes I could draw, including one of Mary, well, rocking out, and baby Jesus raising an eyebrow. Then I thought maybe this wasn't the best idea, haha.)
Anyway, taking a step back, music seems to be an integral part of praise and worship. I noticed that I was missing playing clarinet with the choir and even imagined adding in some accompaniment parts to the songs - I wish I had the compositional ability to do so; though, I haven't tried, so maybe.... But when I start getting caught up in enjoying playing with the choir, something always nags me: I feel like I may be forgetting the point of the music and enjoying the music as its own entity. The music is supposed to be a gift of praise, maybe even considered "using our gifts" (talents) as we are often told to do in various places in the Bible. Technically/physically I don't think I'm doing anything wrong, but mentally, again I think my focus could be out of place. I would guess that enjoying the music is fine, and good, assuming that God wants us to enjoy our gift back to Him. But I think I should also have my mind on the thanking, praising, and sharing of God, as these are (some of) the purposes of the music. Maybe when I go back to Penn and start playing clarinet with the choir again, I can try to reflect on the message of the song (or the readings of that Mass, or whatever) while playing. That would be a start, I think.
Christmas Country Rock is apparently obscure enough that I can't even find the cover image online. It is from 1990 (according to Amazon), but still, makes me wonder where my parents got it in the first place, haha. We've listened to this CD for years and years, as in, when my brothers and I were little, we'd run around our (then-much-smaller) living room and play on the plastic rocking horse or sit-n-spin to these songs. And we probably skipped most of the "slow songs" in the middle of the album. "Jingle Bell Rock" was definitely one of my favorites back then, and I was always excited when we finally made it to that song, cuz it was the last one on the album. (Did I not know about shuffle, or something?) Yet only yesterday did I find it slightly ironic that it's "Jingle Bell Rock" on a country album... When I was little I also loved "Blue Christmas" and hey, I still do. It was probably a number of years though before I began to appreciate the great jazz(?)-like piano playing on the song, though. The album may feel a little worn out - we've been listening to it for like 17 years - but it's kinda like a pair of slippers with a hole in them that you don't want to get rid of and actually still really like because they are familiar and comfy.
Vanessa Williams's Star Bright is just an awesome Christmas album. The three customer reviews on the Amazon page describe this feeling very well. The songs are based on traditional and well-known melodies, but are rearranged to be upbeat and new and just really fun to listen to (and musically well-done, in my opinion). And I agree with one reviewer who said the music is still reverent - to me, (some of) these songs sound like they are really celebrating the birth of Jesus. (I say "some of" because some are secular.) I love her voice as well; she can sing both powerfully and ponderingly (ok I made that word up), whichever a song calls for. I'm not sure how long my family has had this album (Amazon says it came out in 1996 which is earlier than I had thought), but it's definitely one I know I'm going to enjoy every year. :)Hmm... trying to think of other Christmas albums that have become "classic" in my house. We have one of Kenny G's Christmas albums (I've discovered, thanks to Ruckus, that there are quite a few of them) and an acoustic guitar album, both of which are collections of relaxing renditions of well-known songs. Of course there's the Nutcracker, the brilliance of which I fully realized a few years ago - part of broadening musical taste, I'd like to say. And speaking of broader taste, while decorating the tree yesterday evening, our CD player shuffled to a Christmas album by Chicago, which someone gave to someone in our family as a gift. Nearly everyone else in my family proceeded to state how Chicago and Christmas songs just don't mix at all, blah blah... I didn't think it was quite that bad, but after a song and a half or so, I think we did put on something else.
I've just come back from Christmas Eve Mass, which included quite a lot of music. Most of it was very traditional songs, sung by the choir and accompanied by piano, sometimes with handbells. The readings were interspersed with song verses, and the priest sang all the prayers that precede Eucharist. This abundance of music made me notice a few things. One's that I was able to pay much better attention if I had the hymnal out in front of me and followed the words of the current song - i.e. this mitigated quite a lot of my focusing problem. And though I've heard these songs many times, by focusing I found myself trying to find new meaning in them. Or at least I tried to immerse myself in the scene of the night of the birth of Christ - the stable, the gentle mother Mary, the curiosity of the shepherds, the angels, and above all, the joy to be found in the love embodied in the gift of God's Son. (I also started imagining scenes I could draw, including one of Mary, well, rocking out, and baby Jesus raising an eyebrow. Then I thought maybe this wasn't the best idea, haha.)
Anyway, taking a step back, music seems to be an integral part of praise and worship. I noticed that I was missing playing clarinet with the choir and even imagined adding in some accompaniment parts to the songs - I wish I had the compositional ability to do so; though, I haven't tried, so maybe.... But when I start getting caught up in enjoying playing with the choir, something always nags me: I feel like I may be forgetting the point of the music and enjoying the music as its own entity. The music is supposed to be a gift of praise, maybe even considered "using our gifts" (talents) as we are often told to do in various places in the Bible. Technically/physically I don't think I'm doing anything wrong, but mentally, again I think my focus could be out of place. I would guess that enjoying the music is fine, and good, assuming that God wants us to enjoy our gift back to Him. But I think I should also have my mind on the thanking, praising, and sharing of God, as these are (some of) the purposes of the music. Maybe when I go back to Penn and start playing clarinet with the choir again, I can try to reflect on the message of the song (or the readings of that Mass, or whatever) while playing. That would be a start, I think.
Sunday, December 21, 2008
relaxation moment
shuffling through: all songs i've categorized with the genres "soft rock" or "medium rock"
listening to: "True" by Ryan Cabrera
sitting: at my laptop, in the study at home, with legs crunched and folded but somehow it's comfy
doing: rolling head around gently, letting hair fall across face as it will
enjoying: the music and the softness of my hair and the pulls of neck muscles
thinking: of how nice it'd be to have one of those back massages given by someone particularly good at it
listening to: "True" by Ryan Cabrera
sitting: at my laptop, in the study at home, with legs crunched and folded but somehow it's comfy
doing: rolling head around gently, letting hair fall across face as it will
enjoying: the music and the softness of my hair and the pulls of neck muscles
thinking: of how nice it'd be to have one of those back massages given by someone particularly good at it
Friday, December 19, 2008
Kenny G's "Esther", Photos, and Memories
It's after 3am. I'm at home, on my computer, wrapped in a blanket in our study. Back in high school I made a number of photo collages as gifts for friends. For Christmas a couple or three years ago, I made one for my grandmother composed of pictures of our family, mainly of me and my brothers. I suppose my aunt really liked it, and this year she requested one. So I copied about 3.5 gigs of photos from our family digital camera onto my flash drive and went through them, selecting good pictures of our family (way too many of them) to hopefully squash into this collage...
I downloaded a bunch of Kenny G albums since I went to see him in concert last night (absolutely amazing, but for another post..), and have been listening through them while going through all these pictures. Eventually I came to this song (embedded above) and it really moved me, and I thought how beautiful these family pictures are... People smiling, with family, with friends, silliness, enjoyment, graduations, milestone dances (8th grade dance, junior prom), birthdays, awards, vacations, Christmas, just so many special moments. And how damn good we look when we just smile. And how these pictures have captured these moments in time forever, and we can't go back, but we can look, and we can feel.. and I am touched, and happy we can hold on to the memories this way.
FIREFOX 3!!
Yeah yeah I FINALLY updated to FF3. I was holding off for awhile cuz it kept telling me "these 5 add-ons of yours aren't going to work in FF3" and I am pretty attached to most of my add-ons, didn't want to lose them... But hey now it's winter break, I'm just realizing I don't have to worry about work anymore and I have time to do stuff I want to do, and I thought you know, I'll go through my add-ons and individually check out their compatibility. Turns out nearly all of them are good to go with FF3 and the ones that aren't I can do without. So at last I upgraded!! Immediately I loved it, cuz it even RELOADED ALL MY TABS!!! I'm so impressed it preserved that across version installation haha. It also upgraded my add-ons :D (except for two, which I did "manually", and it was fine). It also saved my settings as well as (I think) my add-ons' settings. Oh and I'm kind of excited for the add-ons manager thing, since now supposedly I can search for and find add-ons right within it... The new interface (icons, mostly) are pretty, though I think I might look into themes, which I've never done before, but as a DMD major, I don't think I should be blamed for being curious, haha. The only con I've felt so far is that I am a little overwhelmed by the new features....honestly I probably won't make use of all of them, considering how far I scrolled to read the whole feature description page. The tagging thing and the uncategorized bookmarks are both dangerous for me, since I already hyper-over-organize my bookmarks. This dual tag/folder organization reminds me of my considerations on Thunderbird vs. Gmail, since Thunderbird is folders-based (and I have... SO ... many) and Gmail is all about the tags (makes me nervous, but intrigued); I'm afraid that having both systems might make me crazy, and I'm already feeling a tendency to avoid the tags completely. Plus what will I do about all my existing bookmarks; I really don't think I want to go back and tag them ... that would take forever, seriously... :P
Saturday, December 6, 2008
what it's like, missing him
walked through my lobby, and saw two girls sitting on one of the couches, talking.
walked by the philly diner.
looked through those pictures, from that night, and still thought they were funny.
laughed over a few dirty jokes with a friend, and felt that twinge of sadness.
listened to a song i came to really like because of him; tried to make the lyrics mean something different in my head.
saw a facebook friend's profile picture in which she was kissing a guy.
read another facebook friend's status: "[so and so] loves him."
imagined myself going to that starbucks sometime, by myself, up to the second floor, sitting down at a table...
amidst a stack of papers on my desk, saw a couple of programs from the night we went to two shows together, and remembered how he tried to make me keep his ticket stub too, "to remember him by".
listened to a song i like which has repeating lyrics that say "baby you're, in my arms" and knew that wasn't gonna happen anymore.
asked my roommate if she minded if a guy friend of mine came over for a bit, kinda late at night, the way i used to ask when he was going to come.. but this time it wasn't him.
walked over to wawa and bought coffee and a pretzel, around 11:30pm, by myself...
talked with him online a little and felt a bit strained, if not a little scared... even got brave enough to mention a normal topic, and he said something funny, and i laughed but it hurt because that's the kind of enjoyment i'm now missing.
remembered that time when i ran into him unexpectedly in my lobby and how good it felt to see him and be with him for just those five minutes.
listened to his voice on the phone, listened to the way he talked, and wanted to cry because i probably wouldn't be having those good conversations with him much anymore, if at all.
a daft punk song came on to remind me that all they played at the alley was daft punk remixes, that time we went bowling together.
thought of all the things i had wanted to do with him.
remembered how when he met him, my good friend said he seemed like a really good guy.
thought of when he wanted me to go out of my way, walking with him through the cold, so he could spend more time with me. i felt special and wanted.
curled up in bed at night, put my face into my round fuzzy squishy pillow that he liked, and inhaled, but it only faintly smelled like him. (and maybe i was wishing that faint scent into existence.)
went to the place that used to be called bucks county coffee with a friend, and remembered paying for his coffee the time we went there.
saw someone signing in a friend at the desk, and thought about how the guest logs suddenly won't have his name in it all the time anymore.
...
the interesting thing is this. i am able to think of other things, and not about him. and then, it doesn't hurt (obviously). this is a good thing, cuz i have so much work and it does require thinking and concentration. but... i want to hurt for him. i want to think about him and miss him and yeah sometimes, i want to cry for not being able to be with him anymore. it's bittersweet... and i think that's the reason why i want the hurt.
walked by the philly diner.
looked through those pictures, from that night, and still thought they were funny.
laughed over a few dirty jokes with a friend, and felt that twinge of sadness.
listened to a song i came to really like because of him; tried to make the lyrics mean something different in my head.
saw a facebook friend's profile picture in which she was kissing a guy.
read another facebook friend's status: "[so and so] loves him."
imagined myself going to that starbucks sometime, by myself, up to the second floor, sitting down at a table...
amidst a stack of papers on my desk, saw a couple of programs from the night we went to two shows together, and remembered how he tried to make me keep his ticket stub too, "to remember him by".
listened to a song i like which has repeating lyrics that say "baby you're, in my arms" and knew that wasn't gonna happen anymore.
asked my roommate if she minded if a guy friend of mine came over for a bit, kinda late at night, the way i used to ask when he was going to come.. but this time it wasn't him.
walked over to wawa and bought coffee and a pretzel, around 11:30pm, by myself...
talked with him online a little and felt a bit strained, if not a little scared... even got brave enough to mention a normal topic, and he said something funny, and i laughed but it hurt because that's the kind of enjoyment i'm now missing.
remembered that time when i ran into him unexpectedly in my lobby and how good it felt to see him and be with him for just those five minutes.
listened to his voice on the phone, listened to the way he talked, and wanted to cry because i probably wouldn't be having those good conversations with him much anymore, if at all.
a daft punk song came on to remind me that all they played at the alley was daft punk remixes, that time we went bowling together.
thought of all the things i had wanted to do with him.
remembered how when he met him, my good friend said he seemed like a really good guy.
thought of when he wanted me to go out of my way, walking with him through the cold, so he could spend more time with me. i felt special and wanted.
curled up in bed at night, put my face into my round fuzzy squishy pillow that he liked, and inhaled, but it only faintly smelled like him. (and maybe i was wishing that faint scent into existence.)
went to the place that used to be called bucks county coffee with a friend, and remembered paying for his coffee the time we went there.
saw someone signing in a friend at the desk, and thought about how the guest logs suddenly won't have his name in it all the time anymore.
...
the interesting thing is this. i am able to think of other things, and not about him. and then, it doesn't hurt (obviously). this is a good thing, cuz i have so much work and it does require thinking and concentration. but... i want to hurt for him. i want to think about him and miss him and yeah sometimes, i want to cry for not being able to be with him anymore. it's bittersweet... and i think that's the reason why i want the hurt.
Friday, December 5, 2008
I love this.
I love it when I write something, code something, or design/create some kind of art, and then go back after some time has passed (enough that I don't really remember what it looks like or says), and realize hey, this is pretty good - and oh yeah, I made this!
This tells me I don't have enough confidence in my work in the first place, when I'm making it. So maybe the finished products tend to turn out better than I realize? Feels pretty good ... :)
This tells me I don't have enough confidence in my work in the first place, when I'm making it. So maybe the finished products tend to turn out better than I realize? Feels pretty good ... :)
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