I think maybe I'm ready to find love.
Maybe I'm being a girl because I just watched a romantic comedy and now I'm having this thought. Maybe I'm being unrealistic to be inspired by a movie, because maybe we make the stories in movies just a little better than they would happen in real life.
Half of me is extremely sure what love is, and the other half is pretty damn sure I haven't a clue how to begin. See, in one sense, I experience love every single day. My friend Stephan at work is so hilarious that I've got my hands over my mouth, trying not to laugh out loud. I can exchange three lines via online chat with my dear friend David from Penn, and find myself saying "man, I love you, you know that?" I receive texts from my mom, asking how setting up my new apartment is coming along. I bond over really good beer, delicious blues dancing, and the way lindy hop is just that much better after a rum and coke.
But otherwise, I have given up for a long time now. I relegated the couples I have been around as mysteries; I had spent so much mental effort some years back to define and understand love for myself, but to no real conclusions, and I do not have the energy to try anymore. The discovery, the journey, the maintenance, the work through the downs for the sake of the ups -- these I see but from the outside, an observer trapped at the most surface level understanding.
It seems in my life that whenever "something" starts to happen with someone, it is unexpected: a string of occurrences that happened to weave together to bring that person into my life. If that holds, then, I ask myself, what need do I have to learn to seek? That means I have to wait, and hope. But the few times in the recent past that I have hoped a bit, always something has held things back. And so I haven't had the chance to see what might become.
My life is very filled right now. Friends, family, and activities are all there for me and wonderful. I'm living where I want to be, and I've got people who miss me in other cities. And yet, it might be nice to have someone to think about at the end of the day, knowing he will be doing likewise. It might be nice to hold hands and steal kisses. To send pointless text messages. To laugh so hard, and then have a deep conversation. To share beer, and dinner, and ice cream. To watch dumb TV and not care that it's dumb because it's extra cuddle time. To while the hours of a Saturday, doing our own thing, taking simple peace and comfort in another's company. To miss, be missed; need, be needed.
To love, without wondering.
But you know, I'm just making this all up. Because this is a little bit of how I like to imagine it would be.
Saturday, June 11, 2011
Wednesday, June 8, 2011
Sunday, May 1, 2011
philly bucket list!
-- inspired by The Bucket List. I've been meaning to do this for awhile, but it's also totally meant to be a work in progress.
- Sundae party
- The Franklin - with Ben (seriously, how did I not know about this place??)
- check out Northern Liberties
- Silk City (been mentioned to me enough times)
- Cuba Libre - have to try out salsa there
- Vango - I've been there once, but should try out the salsa night there too
- browse Passyunk Ave
- go to 69th Street Terminal. because I never have.
- really learn South Philly
- watch an entire Phillies game on tv at a bar
- discover and try out local cafés (in progress...)
- Argentine tango(!!!!)
- Fiume (45th & Locust) - mentioned to me the other day... again, how haven't I heard of this place? Good things!
"so you"
Last night, a friend and wonderful person reminded me of a thought I had while coming home on the bus the other day.
If I consider my good friends, one overarching reason why I like them is just the way their personalities come through in casual communicating - be it in a brief chat or a long talk. Knowing and enjoying someone's unique mannerisms in interaction is something I really value.
So I was thinking about text communications between friends. I talk online and send text messages with friends all the time. To what degree each person is "genuine" (speaks online as they would face to face) might be difficult to measure, but I realized one thing: one of my favorite moments in talking online or via text message is when a friend says something that just totally sounds like them. I can hear it in their voice and see how their facial expression would look. It's the closest feeling to being with them in person when communicating by text, I think. Truly makes me smile inside.
If I consider my good friends, one overarching reason why I like them is just the way their personalities come through in casual communicating - be it in a brief chat or a long talk. Knowing and enjoying someone's unique mannerisms in interaction is something I really value.
So I was thinking about text communications between friends. I talk online and send text messages with friends all the time. To what degree each person is "genuine" (speaks online as they would face to face) might be difficult to measure, but I realized one thing: one of my favorite moments in talking online or via text message is when a friend says something that just totally sounds like them. I can hear it in their voice and see how their facial expression would look. It's the closest feeling to being with them in person when communicating by text, I think. Truly makes me smile inside.
Thursday, April 14, 2011
nostalgia
I used to get these strong moments of nostalgia when I was ending a major period of my life -- I remember having visited my high school's band camp the summer before I was headed to college, and afterward, lying across my bed at home, in a near-physical pain about leaving marching band. It was one of the experiences I most intensely loved throughout four years of high school and I expected nothing would be like it again. And my college band experience really wasn't much like it, after all. But that had all its own variables of course. So I still look back past college band to high school band with a special fondness.
In the evening of my graduation day from Penn, I had a bit of an emotional breakdown. I was trying to pack to move out of my dorm apartment room and kept thinking of how some of my closest friends would be disappearing across the country. I began checking in with friends to see if anyone wanted to go out and do something, because I had to get out of that room and the physical actions of preparing to leave the campus (and a life built over four years). Eventually I was told to meet up at City Tap House -- my first night there actually; I went thankfully.
Life post-college has developed wonderfully, and accordingly, my amount of time to rest is typically on a slow but steady decrease. Sometimes I can't believe how lucky I am to have found these activities -- mainly dancing -- and the truly beautiful community thereof. I hardly have time to process and appreciate it all enough. The excellent side benefit is one I often don't notice: I usually don't have the mental time to fall into nostalgia. It almost makes sense... why should I be sad and miss the past if the present is full of happiness?
But sometimes, I open up a memory. And I hold it for a long moment. I can be sad if I think of it as a loss, that someone or something is no longer an element of my life, or if an experience was much briefer than I would wish it to be. But there is a deep joy and appreciation that shines through this. It was a part of my life -- a part meaningful enough to leave a lasting and treasured impression. That's why the word 'bittersweet' is so perfect, and why I don't push away those moments of nostalgia when I find myself in them. I find value in appreciating them once again, just within myself.
In the evening of my graduation day from Penn, I had a bit of an emotional breakdown. I was trying to pack to move out of my dorm apartment room and kept thinking of how some of my closest friends would be disappearing across the country. I began checking in with friends to see if anyone wanted to go out and do something, because I had to get out of that room and the physical actions of preparing to leave the campus (and a life built over four years). Eventually I was told to meet up at City Tap House -- my first night there actually; I went thankfully.
Life post-college has developed wonderfully, and accordingly, my amount of time to rest is typically on a slow but steady decrease. Sometimes I can't believe how lucky I am to have found these activities -- mainly dancing -- and the truly beautiful community thereof. I hardly have time to process and appreciate it all enough. The excellent side benefit is one I often don't notice: I usually don't have the mental time to fall into nostalgia. It almost makes sense... why should I be sad and miss the past if the present is full of happiness?
But sometimes, I open up a memory. And I hold it for a long moment. I can be sad if I think of it as a loss, that someone or something is no longer an element of my life, or if an experience was much briefer than I would wish it to be. But there is a deep joy and appreciation that shines through this. It was a part of my life -- a part meaningful enough to leave a lasting and treasured impression. That's why the word 'bittersweet' is so perfect, and why I don't push away those moments of nostalgia when I find myself in them. I find value in appreciating them once again, just within myself.
Tuesday, April 5, 2011
social dynamic reciprocation?
Thought:
In the blues/swing dance community I am surrounded by many incredibly nice and friendly people. (I hate how generic those terms are, but they are basically the terms that apply.) There are many people I still am just getting to know on more of a friend level (i.e. a step beyond "hey it's fun to dance with you" level), and pretty much everyone is open to chatting away easily and comfortably. I feel like I've found gold in this group of people. And this circles back and inspires me to act in kind. What I ended up wondering just now was whether others get the same vibe back from me... (I hope!)
In the blues/swing dance community I am surrounded by many incredibly nice and friendly people. (I hate how generic those terms are, but they are basically the terms that apply.) There are many people I still am just getting to know on more of a friend level (i.e. a step beyond "hey it's fun to dance with you" level), and pretty much everyone is open to chatting away easily and comfortably. I feel like I've found gold in this group of people. And this circles back and inspires me to act in kind. What I ended up wondering just now was whether others get the same vibe back from me... (I hope!)
Tuesday, March 29, 2011
everything
Ever have an experience that is so wonderful that it takes you in completely; nothing else from your life is a consideration or even in your thoughts at all? It's not something earth-shattering nor life-direction-changing, nor potentially even "crazy" in whatever sense. It's just a fun, a joy so purely and naturally felt that that long moment is everything when you're in it. And you probably didn't even look for the situation; but the beautiful path of life threw in a couple of unexpected tweaks in direction and the rest just happened.
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