The café addiction

...I have it.

On any number of nights I am tempted strongly enough by the allure of the café to overcome my tendencies to bum the night away in my room and walk 2.7 blocks over to Saxbys.  At Penn, I went to Starbucks often to sit and (theoretically) work, and enough times in the mornings before class that the employees knew me and asked how my summer was at the beginning of senior year.  Any time I end up in a Starbucks, actually -- wherever it may be -- I feel a bit of a sense of being home.  Now, in Philly, I've kind of made it a goal to seek out small independent street corner coffee shops and spend my Sunday afternoons in them.

The café atmosphere has some kind of mental effect on me.  It has a peace and calm about it; makes me feel like things can't really go wrong.  Stress is lessened somehow, cuz you've got a couple hours of a squishy armchair, warm lighting, relaxing music, and probably a hot drink that'll either prop you awake or take up too much of your daily allotment of calories.  Or a muffin -- gosh, I have gotten bad about eating too many muffins.  Those and scones.  I probably consume one or the other of them on more days of the week than not.

Calories designated unimportant, I sit down with my muffin or my mocha and my laptop, whiling away the time alongside others in front of their own screens or books.  We're in our own little worlds, but together in one world as well.  And thus the time goes by.

Sometimes I picture my life filled by lazy days, writing and drinking coffee, staring out windows at the world and people-watching as customers flow in and out or join my habitat of the day for a few hours.  And my butt will probably hurt often, and I'll still eat too many scones, and the guy at the counter will know my favorite drink.  Maybe I'll get brave enough to wear pajama pants occasionally and really cuddle up in a corner for awhile.  (Not sure how acceptable pajama pants are as attire worn in public after, like, high school.  Perhaps if I'm a known regular at the place...)

Well, it's a dream, anyhow.  Someday maybe.

Heaven (Ian Pooley)

Last night I was doing some reading for psych (since the week has been crazy, and I felt like I hadn't done reading for that class in forever) and listening to Pandora, to which I've turned these days since Ruckus went out of business. Since I've spent the majority of my Pandora listening time developing my "light trance and such" station, I have learned that Pandora tends to play mostly my "thumbs-up" songs for awhile, but if I keep on listening for a few hours, it'll start to throw in new ones that I haven't heard before. So I'm just sitting there in my big round green chair, reading and taking notes, when the song that comes on catches my attention. I don't think the station has played it before, but I know for sure that I know it, and I also know it's a Hed Kandi song. (I went on a Hed Kandi streak for awhile, second semester of sophomore year, and collected maybe 20 or so songs on YouTube from various mix albums... I haven't listened to much of that music recently, though.) After a minute I get up to see which one it was, and it turns out to be an instrumental version very similar to the one I actually know (video above).

I can't help it - I fall into the feeling of the music. Whoever decided to put this song on a Beach House album had the right kind of thinking going on. Suddenly, sitting in my room at Penn in the winter, all I want is the heat, the sun, the utter laziness, the brightness, the sand...of summer at the beach. I want to stretch out on a towel, "working" on my tan, enjoying the feeling of freedom brought on by near-nakedness. And I want a boy with me. I want to go down to the water together, I want to be all shy the way I am about the cold water, I want him to splash and tease me and then hold me in a gesture indicative of warmth - more symbolic than actually helpful. I want to ride and dive through the waves together, and hey maybe he can teach me to bodysurf, since I've never really been able to get it. And when we're tired and happy, we'll go back and lay down to dry in the sun. We'll move closer, and we'll close our eyes and kiss - because even if other people see us, we've got our own world right now.

everything in sync

My brothers got me an iPod for Christmas. It's my first one ever; cute little radiant-purple nano. Since I like to try to be mostly legal with music, I've only got three albums on it so far, all of which I purchased from Amazonmp3. This current lack of variety is but a small issue, though, because walking across campus with music is a million times better than walking across it in silence and thinking only about being late. (I usually am.) Sometimes it makes me feel like I'm living in a movie - the soundrack is playing in my head.

Today (well...fine, yesterday) I was walking on Locust, scheduled day done and already in a pretty good mood. The last part of my scheduled day had been cancelled, it was Thursday so I'd basically reached my weekend, and I had just parted ways with Grace (as she was off to an art class of course) with whom I'd been talking about dance. I started listening to "Rikki" by Mylo. I like to think that some kind of instinctual sense guides humans to move with the rhythm of music they're hearing, but since that's probably not the case, I at least know that I like to walk in sync with the beat of whatever song I'm listening to. Maybe this is a leftover from marching band. For whatever reason, this time, I was walking in sync. I love the song and it fed straight into my good mood. There are certainly some things in my life that are not how I want them to be right now, but while listening to that song, I was immersed in this feeling that everything was in sync, not just myself and the music. So for that little bit, the music freed me from whatever stresses are tying me down and just gave me a happiness.

I'm starting to sound sappy, wow. I'll just say, it was quite a good moment.

relaxation moment

shuffling through: all songs i've categorized with the genres "soft rock" or "medium rock"
listening to: "True" by Ryan Cabrera
sitting: at my laptop, in the study at home, with legs crunched and folded but somehow it's comfy
doing: rolling head around gently, letting hair fall across face as it will
enjoying: the music and the softness of my hair and the pulls of neck muscles
thinking: of how nice it'd be to have one of those back massages given by someone particularly good at it

[something about this night just feels so good]

so i was walking a bit outside tonight, just over to beijing and then to starbucks and then back to rodin... and the air felt so amazing. i was wearing shorts and a t-shirt, and it was probably around 75 degrees out. the air felt clean and clear, just playing along the border of chilly - enough to be thoroughly refreshing. i felt open and comfortable just letting this perfect night air soak into my skin.

then i got up to my room, and.. most of my view is just the radian, but even so, it looks better at night, and to the right is more of the city. the large windows let the beautiful night expand into the space of my room and i just lay on my bed looking out on it all. i couldn't even turn on lights for awhile; i didn't want to lose the special feeling.


but whenever i have these moments of night rapture, they also bring up a little longing. the way it all feels, it just seems like i should have somebody special with me. someone to walk with, lay down with, and gaze with. to share the feeling with. the strange part is this: i can't seem to figure out who exactly i want that person to be. my thoughts jump around, somewhat at random, from one somebody to another, but never landing on one that feels completely right. so i avoid the pain of specific loneliness, yet feel the frustration of not being able to focus energy.

just listened to a hed kandi song, from the summer 2008 mix album, called "be with you"...
kinda feels right.


this post is labeled with the time i had these thoughts, though written hours later.

Intro and Today

So I've kind of decided to start a blog. Often I've found myself thinking about things in life, and kind of wanting to record them because I reached an interesting conclusion (or maybe didn't reach one at all and am still trying to figure it out) and I wonder what other people might think. Also, a friend once told me he didn't really know much about who I really am because he could only describe me at the surface level - that I like to play Stepmania and Egyptian Ratscrew, specifically. So maybe, if I post my thoughts and observations about occurrences in my life or any other ideas I have, some people can get to really know me if they have interest. I (want to..?) think that my friends like me for who I really am, so if nothing else I shouldn't be afraid to share what's going on in my mind, and perhaps I can initiate closer connections with people :). (Ironically the song I was just listening to was "True Colors", haha...)

That's probably enough formality, so now I'll just dive right in...

Today has been a pretty good day so far. I spent the morning sleeping (haha) because for some reason I managed to stay up till after 6am due to laundry and trying to get somewhere on the 277 final project with Carlin... I planned to get up no later than 12, so at least I wouldn't lose too much of the day, but of course even by then I hadn't gotten enough sleep and I got back in bed after shutting off my alarms :P. I woke up again around 1pm when Grace called to ask if I wanted to get food, so I said "sure, if you don't mind waiting for me to get dressed..." lol. We went to brunch at Commons and talked, which was nice because we don't get to talk much these days (lunches don't coincide anymore). Then we headed downstairs to Starbucks where I worked on reading for Perception (got 1 chapter done) and Grace, of course, worked on drawing. I waited for a shorter line so I could get a mocha frappucino (newfound love, as of yesterday...so good!!) but every time I turned around, the line was still long, so I actually never got it, lol.

Tonight was nice too. I met Rebecca at Cosi where we had a nice dinner. My flatbread chicken caesar sandwich was amazing and so was the Oreo Arctic Mocha...filled me up though and I couldn't finish either one. Then we took the trolley to Center City, walked around for a little--I felt like such a tourist, looking around at everything because I hardly ever leave campus, so Philadelphia doesn't feel familiar at all. There were these plaque things in one sidewalk with a bunch of musicians' names, and I was excited to recognize some jazz musicians' names...so much that I took a picture of the ones for Daryl Hall and John Oates (I know "Hall and Oates" from listening to CD101.9 so much...thought they meant "Haulin' Oats" for the longest time though, hahaha.) Anyway, then we headed over to Chris's Jazz Cafe and it felt like first semester last year again for a moment, when I had to go there several times both for my Jazz Style and History class and my writing seminar on jazz. Rebecca knew the vocalist, Karrin Allyson, through her father and was really excited and said we had to go see her. I liked her within the first few songs. She sang some Brazilian pieces and some other songs that perhaps I should have known if I was a little bit more into "real" jazz (as opposed to "smooth jazz", with which I am, or maybe was?, very familiar with, from listening to 101.9 so much, back home). I liked her style; it was eclectic, and she was...spunky? That's not quite the right word, but whatever. I loved her guitarist and drummer too...

It was warm in the cafe, and I was tired, so I was semi-falling-asleep a few times. Maybe for those reasons, or because of some of the mellow songs she sang, I got into this kind of relaxed/happy/tired mood, and I half wonder if that's what I'd feel like after a few drinks...? I don't know, but I suppose someday maybe I'll find out... Anyway, it was nice. Some of her songs were about love, and I really liked them and got into the stories they were telling, but at the same time other thoughts were going through my head...those can wait for another post, though.

I really enjoyed the night out, and surprisingly I was able to forget about worrying about all my work, which definitely felt good. And usually I'm a dress-down, go-to-Commons or get-Chinese-takeout kind of person; I don't really do much out of an ordinary routine. So it was kind of nice to be served for dinner and dessert, to dress up a bit, to go into Center City, to enjoy jazz with a friend... It kind of seems high-class when I word it that way, but I don't mean it to sound stuck up-- I just enjoyed having a nice night out with someone :).

Interestingly, I just got back from spending some time in John's room after he asked if I'd walk with him to get some food. I just leaned back against the bed, stretched out my legs, listened to his music (really good...80s mix, I think), and drifted in and out of naps. Felt really "chill" or something (I put it in quotes because it doesn't sound like my kind of word, but I like it, for this context); very relaxing. Kind of reminds me of yoga in high school gym class, except this was less directed, more spontaneous...mmmmm. So nice to let go of some stress for awhile tonight. And that seems like a good way to end the post.