Anberlin: Retrace

Oh, how I've tried
To get you out of my head
And I lie with broken words I said
Never thought I'd walk on this street again
Standing where it all began

Tried to forget
When I left this town
Well it takes me right back
When I come back around

Retrace the steps we took on that long summer night
I'm back there by your side
Retrace the steps we took when we met worlds away
Counting backwards while the stars are falling

Oh now I find,
Every subtle thing screams your name
It reminds me of places and times we've shared
Couldn't live locked in these memories
Now I'm chained to my thoughts again

And I tried to forget
When I left this town
But I'll take you right back
If you come back around

Retrace the steps we took on that long summer night
I'm back there by your side
Retrace the steps we took when we met worlds away
Counting backwards while the stars are falling

I need some shelter
I need some safety
Photographs they
Haunt me lately
Chasing shadows
As the evening takes me
I'm still searching but the picture's fading

Retrace the steps we took on that long summer night
I'm back there by your side
Retrace the steps we took when we met worlds away
Counting backwards
Still counting backwards

And nowhere else has ever felt like home
And I can’t fall asleep
When I’m lying here alone
I replay your voice
It's like you're here
You move the earth
But now the sky is falling

Retrace the steps we took on that long summer night
In my mind I'm back by your side
Retrace the steps we took when we met worlds away
Counting backwards while the stars are falling

(lyrics credit)

Foosball is for lovers [1]

Foosball seems a little obscure to me. Or at least, it's a thing of (un)finished basements that host mix-of-family-and-friends birthday gatherings. But I have a couple of personal connections with the game.

Maybe love is obscure these days. I'm not having an easy time of finding it. It's all over books and movies, but as much fun as it is to think so, those aren't real life.

One goes back to...well, I'm not sure if it would be middle or elementary school. My brother and I were the ages when we would play with toys together - Matchbox cars, "farm and construction", Legos/K'Nex, and maybe the horse barn sometimes... Yeah, I was kind of a boy. Oh well.

Playing games, telling stories, making things up. Things you might do when you're talking, smiling, laughing with someone - time to forget the world for the sake of two.

We acquired the foosball table from a family friend - she used to babysit for us, actually. I looked through pages and pages of Google image search results, but could not find any that looked remotely like that secondhand table. It was completely unsturdy on four kind-of-thin metal-tube legs, and the "table" part was a thin board that sagged towards one end. (The sagging probably made it the games a bit unfair, but I don't recall being bothered by that.) The goals were white plastic little crate-like things that stuck out from the ends with a red slider for the score, and oddly enough, the provided plastic ball (a la ping pong ball, but with yellow and red soccer-ball patterning) did not fit through the holes into the goals. We often substituted a "bouncy ball" (whatever happened to those things? 90s fad or something?). Dude I totally remember these two-colored ones! The color pairs were usually kind of ugly...

The beginning. He wasn't there. Funny that would be the case. I got really into it, though I wasn't very good. And then I had to go.

The plastic players were actually little figures - there was the red team and the yellow team, and I was usually yellow, my brother red. Some of the players were cracked across the stomach where the rod went through, and some slid along the rod so you could yank the rod way out from the side of the table. p.s.: The [one] goalie was not able to spin a 360-degree rotation - he hit the end of the table and got stuck. We didn't bother to use him much. :)

Before I left (and before he'd gone for a bit), we were together often. Days, walks, sun. Laughter, and sometimes, a moment.

My brother and I played the craziest games with that foosball table. In a one-on-one game you gotta manage 4 rods of players by yourself, so there's a lot of switching around hands and the ball movement was rather all over the place. (Only now do I see people playing with strategy in two-on-two games.) Since there wasn't much to the table, we'd be jerking it all around. If the ball got stuck in the caved-in corner, we merely gave the table a jump. We spun players like crazy except the goalies who got stuck. Before dropping the ball in after someone scored, we'd take a minute to realign the players who'd gotten inadvertently rotated on their rods during playtime. Oh and we assigned names to the players, but not people's names. We actually named them after names we had given our Matchbox/Hot Wheels cars. My yellow defenders were London (a black London taxi) and Tel. 4 (a yellow cherry picker labeled as belonging to Telephone Company No. 4, I imagine). I think the offense were a few of the race car "gang".

Things really used to drive me crazy, like my shyness, and watching him. Going up to the roof deck, and oh, those touches, because maybe they were nothing, but I liked to think they meant everything. I wondered all the time. I feared we were stuck and the reason was, well, out of our hands. How many times did I imagine?

I think we trashed or gave away that table years ago. We have a new, nice one now. I have hardly touched it for all the years since the games with the old table. All of life was going on for all the years that I didn't really play.

He didn't keep in touch much. I tried more than he did. I figured it was the way he is and mostly let it be that way. All of life was going on, anyway.

crazy, again

I've been hooked on the music these days. It's what I want to listen to in the morning when I'm getting ready for the day. And I want it at night too, which is probably not the best idea for concentrating on the work I should be doing. It has moved me into a genre I hadn't tested out much before, but as always I am happy about this musical expansion. And I'm even finding enjoyable variations among the three albums I downloaded.

At first it was just about the music. That's probably how I usually start listening to something a lot, anyway. Now, though, I'm starting to notice the lyrics. Somehow they keep taking me back. They want to offer explanations, they put my emotions into words; they tell me the story I've got in my head. I don't suppose this helps, in any way, the notion of getting this unfinished story out of my head.

People - friends - are telling me this is what I need to do. The story was cut off, a bit harshly, and trying to pick it up is not what I should do. They tell me I'm better off this way. I'm not going to flat-out contradict them, because their logic makes sense. I've also been on the other side of the disconnection process, so I remember the way it finally worked. I guess I could do it; in fact, I was even kind of on the path...

The music's crazy: it's my life, right now. The irony leads to that beautiful, familiar bittersweet emotional taste. That's the problem. The bitter part should make me want to give it up. The sweet part, though, is powerfully there. And - as I've been through before - the bitter part has a strange attraction as well. I think I might know why: as long as I'm living the bitter part together with the sweet, it means I haven't given up totally. I'm going to survive on through it, against the clearer path of letting go, because this path is too special to give up yet.

I lean over close to my window, balancing with a hand on the heater. To the right are the changing-color lights and below's the diner. I breathe onto the cold of the window, obscuring the view. Like the circle of condensation on the window, things aren't clear. I know I hold on. I know I have bad nostalgia sessions. I know of the attraction of the bittersweet situation. These are my tendencies. Even with these factors, my mind is defying my own sensible logic. I didn't know for sure, I jumped in maybe a bit lightly. When I tell others I will summarize by the quintessential moments, but there were probably at least as many times that weren't like those - and just as I'm trying to argue why I shouldn't still be so gripped, the opposite reasons flood into mind. So I try to counter them with further logic. Time is supposed to create distance, right? Thinking relatively, there should easily be enough time now to have created enough distance. That argument, of course, cracks, threatens to explode to pieces, when the distance is removed in a few hours' time.

In this circle of logic I get sometimes get stuck, but probably more often I give in. I don't try to combat the good reasons with the push-away ones. I go down this path and my mind becomes enthralled again. Then I step back, seeing that this level of entanglement might actually be pretty crazy. Here's where arguments of whatever kind fall to the background: on their own, the inputs and outputs just don't make sense with each other. Probably I'm increasing the outputs by my own thoughts. Even this is an example. I don't think I can find an answer, at least not the way things are right now, and so I've gone on putting here what I feel and think, but I doubt I've "gotten" anywhere.

As much as it engulfs me, now and so many times these days, sometimes the want comes to mind for it never to have happened this way.

But how can I deny that path of events?

--

I would add lyrics... but there are just too many coming at me all at once.

what it's like, missing him

walked through my lobby, and saw two girls sitting on one of the couches, talking.

walked by the philly diner.

looked through those pictures, from that night, and still thought they were funny.

laughed over a few dirty jokes with a friend, and felt that twinge of sadness.

listened to a song i came to really like because of him; tried to make the lyrics mean something different in my head.

saw a facebook friend's profile picture in which she was kissing a guy.

read another facebook friend's status: "[so and so] loves him."

imagined myself going to that starbucks sometime, by myself, up to the second floor, sitting down at a table...

amidst a stack of papers on my desk, saw a couple of programs from the night we went to two shows together, and remembered how he tried to make me keep his ticket stub too, "to remember him by".

listened to a song i like which has repeating lyrics that say "baby you're, in my arms" and knew that wasn't gonna happen anymore.

asked my roommate if she minded if a guy friend of mine came over for a bit, kinda late at night, the way i used to ask when he was going to come.. but this time it wasn't him.

walked over to wawa and bought coffee and a pretzel, around 11:30pm, by myself...

talked with him online a little and felt a bit strained, if not a little scared... even got brave enough to mention a normal topic, and he said something funny, and i laughed but it hurt because that's the kind of enjoyment i'm now missing.

remembered that time when i ran into him unexpectedly in my lobby and how good it felt to see him and be with him for just those five minutes.

listened to his voice on the phone, listened to the way he talked, and wanted to cry because i probably wouldn't be having those good conversations with him much anymore, if at all.

a daft punk song came on to remind me that all they played at the alley was daft punk remixes, that time we went bowling together.

thought of all the things i had wanted to do with him.

remembered how when he met him, my good friend said he seemed like a really good guy.

thought of when he wanted me to go out of my way, walking with him through the cold, so he could spend more time with me. i felt special and wanted.

curled up in bed at night, put my face into my round fuzzy squishy pillow that he liked, and inhaled, but it only faintly smelled like him. (and maybe i was wishing that faint scent into existence.)

went to the place that used to be called bucks county coffee with a friend, and remembered paying for his coffee the time we went there.

saw someone signing in a friend at the desk, and thought about how the guest logs suddenly won't have his name in it all the time anymore.

...

the interesting thing is this. i am able to think of other things, and not about him. and then, it doesn't hurt (obviously). this is a good thing, cuz i have so much work and it does require thinking and concentration. but... i want to hurt for him. i want to think about him and miss him and yeah sometimes, i want to cry for not being able to be with him anymore. it's bittersweet... and i think that's the reason why i want the hurt.

where might this train of thought lead?

i walked out from the lobby of the other high rise, passing a couple fellow dmders along the way, and stepped out into the night where people, who were probably heading to or from parties, were out minimally populating the walkways. the night was chilly and he was on my mind cuz i'd been in touch with him, just a little bit, in the past couple of hours. and i'd gained a flickering hope of something to look forward to, maybe some little way i could help... if not that, maybe i could at least continue to understand him better.

but my mind as always pushes onward with imagination and paths faster than i can restrain it with reality. i miss him, i want to see him... i want to take a walk with him out in the beauty of the night, when the weather is clear and feels so good, and i want to talk with him, seriously.. and even though i'm almost sure it can't happen, if that little sliver could appear which might be the only time i could dive in for that chance, although it would be fairly awful of me to do so, for his sake, ... i want to kiss him.

it's a bit weird the way that thought keeps coming to mind, at fairly random times, these days. i know where it came from though, the point that possibly reawakened something i've been ignoring for so long that it's become so routinely embedded; i'm not even aware i'm doing it. that night i found out three things within probably just two minutes of time. with that, it began, though i'm not sure if i fully realized the impact yet. the night went on just fine, and came to an end with a very enjoyable time. i got back, and sat down, and suddenly it hit me like.. i don't even know what. but i froze, as this realization hit me and monopolized my mind. thoughts flew around and it was like all these little things came together and made sense. i couldn't do anything else; i spent time delving into memories and putting more things in place. yet, even as all of this was coming together, i was scared. i didn't want to be sure of this. would it make everything different? and then i started wondering if it would even last till morning. was this all something crazy that was happening as a product of one night on which these things happened? if i was so good at not thinking about it, such that i never even considered bringing it to mind, maybe that procedure would be automatically invoked and i would go back to normal, and this would be a fleeting story.

it happened, somewhat. i woke up and i wasn't frozen. my mind was freed from the hold by the thoughts that had come the night before. i've gone on and lived each day and things are normal. i bet i am as good as i think, about not thinking about it. i don't even have to try, really.

except for now and then, it'll come back. maybe it's a moment, but i always recognize it. sometimes i think of it at night, and it seems like all this pain, because i am almost trapped, i can't take action without so much risk and the possibility of inflicting hurt or stress and the chance of loss. and i have respect for him, and care for him, and i don't want to make it more difficult than it already is. even so, i reason to myself, there are some fundamental things that could cause problems. usually that argument fails to deter me though; it doesn't stop how much the laughter, the comfort, the experiences, and the glimpses of who he is that i've been so lucky to see all mean to me.

as much time and mental energy as i've put into trying to understand love, and formulate a personal concept of it that is right as far as i can determine, this situation probably confuses me more than anything else. sometimes i think i am going to lose what might be something that makes more sense to me than many other possibilities or situations i've come across; but i don't even have a real chance, so is it my fault if i don't ever attempt a humble and respectful try? but what about how it only hits me at times...and for the rest of the time i can leave it in some deep recess of my mind (heart?) and just be as i've been for so long? right now, that starts to look like i'm trying to push away something that i know is true, but... fine, i know i'm indecisive. probably the bigger cause here though is that i'm scared. i don't want to break things and i don't want to cause hurt. i'll sacrifice myself, because hey, i am good at it; i have accumulated so much practice in it that it's become basically okay by now. i still have what i do have, and whatever happens, anything at all, i know i do not want to lose that.

New stuff I did

It seems like even though this year at Penn is just getting going, I've already done a bunch of new things that I've never done before. Therefore I'm going to start a record (in approximately chronological order lol) and update it as I go along.

• August - purchased a bunch of appliances for my room which I didn't have last year - toaster ($12), microwave ($35 I think?), coffee maker (like $20). They are all turning out to be useful so far. The toaster is surprisingly popular :)
• August - purchased a set of pots/pans, which came with a bonus collection of spices, with rack, which I'll probably never use...
• August something - really practiced bass clarinet. It's awesome, but hard to "get" the sound above the break; really hard to get good tone on that. And it needs SO much air!
• Again, towards the end of summer - I wanted some tea, and Dad drinks it all the time, so I asked him to make a cup for me. He gave me chai, and I ended up really liking it. (Ok, so it's not my first time ever drinking tea, but my first time trying chai.) I got a box of chai to bring to Penn.
  
• 8/31 - watched Anchorman with Rebecca, Becca, Eamonn, and Ben. Part of an initiative to see movies that apparently everybody except me has seen. Opinion: it's not my kind of humor, definitely. I guess some moments were funny, but it just often feels ridiculously overdone. (Obviously this is the point, though..)
• 9/3 - Saw Dan for the first time this year and was totally shocked by his new much shorter haircut (also not parted in the middle anymore) and switch from glasses to contacts (!!!!!)
• 9/3 - Purchased food from food carts/trucks. Last year John got me a sausage-egg-and-cheese from Bui's but this was the first time I ever bought anything myself. Dan and I went to Hemo's for lunch; I got a grilled chicken pita. For dinner Simone, Tatini and I tried to go to Magic Carpet but it was already gone, so we went to The Real Le Anh (Le Anh is across the street haha), and I got cashew chicken. Two discoveries: it's really good, and really cheap!!
• 9/3 - I guess a couple of FNAR courses I've taken have been cross-listed as grad courses, but CIS 460 (Computer Graphics) is definitely the first CSE/CIS course I've taken that's cross-listed. It was a bit intimidating, realizing all these quiet students were probably graduates... hence the invention of the DMD Undergraduate Row :D
• 9/4 - First class where I don't have cell phone service (I think). This is because it's CIS 262 down in the basement of Skirkanich (kinda like a dungeon hahaha). Probably all for the best - I should seriously pay attention in that class.
• 9/4 - First ever class I'm taking on databases. woooot
• 9/4 - First class in which I might be the only student who's not a music major. A little intimidating. =/
• 9/5 - Cooked a dinner dish by myself! It was meatloaf, and it was good! yayyy
• 9/5 - Attended Rodin bingo, and actually won a round! I got a gift card to Gap. Yay shopping!!
• 9/6(?) - FREE LAUNDRY!!!!! Most unfortunately I had to go up 2 floors to the 14th floor since the machines on my floor were all occupied.
• 9/7 - Discovered I did not make wind ensemble on bass clarinet... first year at Penn that I won't be in it, but that also means I can go to the music program's Third Thursdays now :)
• 9/7 - Played DDR (via Stepmania) with my own pad in my room at school. (I actually had the pad with me last year in Stouffer but never took time to play.)
• 9/8 - Taking a class in Linux :D
• 9/8 - Taking a class being taught entirely (as far as I can tell) by a computer science student in my own grade - the aforementioned Linux half-credit class. I feel like I should be feeling extremely inferior or something, but I don't. Zach's friendly and a good lecturer and definitely knows a LOT. Which is awesome :) . I think he was even in my 260 class haha...
• 9/8 - First job at Penn: mentor for CIS 110. We had our first meeting and it was a friendly gathering. We even talked about who had which lab shifts and office hours, as I was rushing out for band, lol.
• 9/9 - Met Danny's sister Laura - she's awesome! The three of us went to Cosi for dinner :)
• 9/9 - Salsa lesson at the Penn Latin and Ballroom Dance info session. It was sooo embarrassing but SO MUCH FUN!!! I decided I was definitely going to the lessons and began trying to convince friends to come...
• 9/9 - Tried iscribble for the first time, with John. I actually plugged in my mouse (finally) cuz there's no way I was gonna draw with the touchpad.
• 9/10 - First lab as a 110 mentor, with Ryan as the TA. I have to get there late, cuz it starts at 2:30 but I have 460 till 3. Luckily I made it in time for introductions and I even answered a bunch of questions which made me useful, yay!
• 9/11 - Played ping pong with Danny and Carlin in the lower level of Harrison - good times!!
• 9/12 (technically) - went to Allegro's around 1am with Carlin and Danny and had .. chicken and broccoli pizza? Or something like that. It was good, lol.
• 9/13 (or late night 9/12) - Installed Linux (Ubuntu) on a virtual machine on my computer!! Now I really want to install it "for real" (on a partition on my hard drive)
• 9/13 - Went out to dinner with Menghan and ate Thai food! I had drunken noodles hahah but it was really good AND I have leftovers!
• 9/13 - Went to Penn PM karaoke event with Erica, held on the Stouffer patio. Thanks to Erica I actually went up to sing; we did Beat It together. Michael Jackson's voice is way too high for my range (whatever limited range I might have), so next time I'll definitely be picking something else :P
• 9/13 - Uploaded pictures using Google's Picasa. It's got captions and some kind of tagging of people and reordering, and I was even able to include videos (though I had to actually download Picasa for that, rather than just using the web service). However, it seems that unless you upload through the Picasa client program, you can only upload 5 photos at a time..? This seems kinda ridiculous, especially considering how on Facebook you can upload a bunch all at once - I think it's a Java application actually.
• 9/14 - Played clarinet at church for the 10am Mass. This went pretty well, considering I got the music last minute. I had to skip a couple things, but overall it sounded good!! (And this is despite my clarinet not playing very easily, which is a fluctuating thing.)
• 9/14 - Right after Mass I went to the "hospitality" thing - like "Doughnut Sunday" at home, but on a much smaller scale.
• 9/14 - PLBD social lessons!!! Salsa and tango. SOOO MUCH FUN hahaha I cannot wait to go back :D (this really probably deserves a full post to itself)
• 9/14 - Lost my band pants (somehow by mixing them up with a pile of laundry on top of a machine) -> realized this, hours later -> panicked while trying to do my Graceland assignment for music 150 -> emailed Neil, who included my plea in his email to the floor -> received my pants from someone who found them mixed among his laundry by accident -> I've never been so glad to see those pants hahaha
• 9/15 - Ate a cookie and a brownie from Cosi (at cis 1xx grading system learning session); they were so good that I took another cookie for the way out haha.
• 9/15 - Used Dreamweaver in the Rodin computer lab - the version was old enough that it was still Macromedia... (2002 or 03-ish? I wonder why it's not updated.)
• probably September - Web design (9am-12 on Tues/Thurs) finished early enough for Grace and I to go to Wawa before 262. I got Wawa coffee for the first time and it is AMAZING. (Also much cheaper than Starbucks...I should keep this in mind and shift some of my coffee habits to Wawa...)
• 11/24 - arrived late to a clarinet social gathering which included watching Zoolander. I've never seen it before since it's not the type of movie I would typically like. (I usually don't find that kind of humor funny.) For some reason I was intrigued by it though, and although I didn't plan on staying long, I ended up interested enough in the movie that I stayed for the whole rest of it, to find out how it ended. I didn't love it and still thought it was pretty silly, but liked it enough to surprise myself.