Heaven (Ian Pooley)

Last night I was doing some reading for psych (since the week has been crazy, and I felt like I hadn't done reading for that class in forever) and listening to Pandora, to which I've turned these days since Ruckus went out of business. Since I've spent the majority of my Pandora listening time developing my "light trance and such" station, I have learned that Pandora tends to play mostly my "thumbs-up" songs for awhile, but if I keep on listening for a few hours, it'll start to throw in new ones that I haven't heard before. So I'm just sitting there in my big round green chair, reading and taking notes, when the song that comes on catches my attention. I don't think the station has played it before, but I know for sure that I know it, and I also know it's a Hed Kandi song. (I went on a Hed Kandi streak for awhile, second semester of sophomore year, and collected maybe 20 or so songs on YouTube from various mix albums... I haven't listened to much of that music recently, though.) After a minute I get up to see which one it was, and it turns out to be an instrumental version very similar to the one I actually know (video above).

I can't help it - I fall into the feeling of the music. Whoever decided to put this song on a Beach House album had the right kind of thinking going on. Suddenly, sitting in my room at Penn in the winter, all I want is the heat, the sun, the utter laziness, the brightness, the sand...of summer at the beach. I want to stretch out on a towel, "working" on my tan, enjoying the feeling of freedom brought on by near-nakedness. And I want a boy with me. I want to go down to the water together, I want to be all shy the way I am about the cold water, I want him to splash and tease me and then hold me in a gesture indicative of warmth - more symbolic than actually helpful. I want to ride and dive through the waves together, and hey maybe he can teach me to bodysurf, since I've never really been able to get it. And when we're tired and happy, we'll go back and lay down to dry in the sun. We'll move closer, and we'll close our eyes and kiss - because even if other people see us, we've got our own world right now.

[something about this night just feels so good]

so i was walking a bit outside tonight, just over to beijing and then to starbucks and then back to rodin... and the air felt so amazing. i was wearing shorts and a t-shirt, and it was probably around 75 degrees out. the air felt clean and clear, just playing along the border of chilly - enough to be thoroughly refreshing. i felt open and comfortable just letting this perfect night air soak into my skin.

then i got up to my room, and.. most of my view is just the radian, but even so, it looks better at night, and to the right is more of the city. the large windows let the beautiful night expand into the space of my room and i just lay on my bed looking out on it all. i couldn't even turn on lights for awhile; i didn't want to lose the special feeling.


but whenever i have these moments of night rapture, they also bring up a little longing. the way it all feels, it just seems like i should have somebody special with me. someone to walk with, lay down with, and gaze with. to share the feeling with. the strange part is this: i can't seem to figure out who exactly i want that person to be. my thoughts jump around, somewhat at random, from one somebody to another, but never landing on one that feels completely right. so i avoid the pain of specific loneliness, yet feel the frustration of not being able to focus energy.

just listened to a hed kandi song, from the summer 2008 mix album, called "be with you"...
kinda feels right.


this post is labeled with the time i had these thoughts, though written hours later.