...as explained in two songs, from my bus ride home tonight.
What touches me most about this one: how celebratory, how utterly joyful his voice is when he sings, "I am in love with you!"
Showing posts with label love. Show all posts
Showing posts with label love. Show all posts
Monday, May 7, 2012
Thursday, March 15, 2012
afterthoughts from The Help
I just finished reading The Help tonight. As I'm not in a book club (maybe I should be?) and don't know if I'll have anyone with whom to chat about it soon, I figure I'll take down my reactions at least for my own memory later.
Perhaps the strongest emotion I felt woven through this story is love. I was amazed by the relationship between Aibileen and Mae Mobley. I'm not sure what builds that bond between a maid and a child that is not her own -- is it the ongoing act of caring for and raising the child that engenders a mother-like love? Is it the natural innocence, joy, energy that the child has in abundance? I think I cannot fully understand from my point of view, given that I haven't the experience of being a mother. Yet at the same time, it was somewhat shocking the way the white mothers in the story generally seemed to be a mix of uninterested in and annoyed by the role of being a mother, or of what was left of it, anyway. I couldn't help but wonder why they would have children in the first place, if they didn't want to be raising them... but perhaps that's just how women's lives were expected to unfold at that time and/or place.
The love in the friendships among the black community was beautiful, too. I suppose some of that comes to existence naturally due to the situation -- all being together in the same boat, so to speak. But they really supported each other, through their church and in individual friendships.
I enjoyed Skeeter's character a lot. Her peers in the town seemed like empty human beings with surface level lives, spending their days gossiping, playing bridge, being in the League, and getting their hair done. But Skeeter was a person with her own unique depth: she took notice of her community and surroundings and saw them for what they were; she had her own interests and dreams (and while she respected and cared for her parents, she didn't let them press her into a life path of their choosing); she had immense self-respect (in her interactions and relationship with Stuart, in going forth with her mission of the book despite basically everyone she had been friends with turning away from her). In other words, she lived true to herself. And once she put her finger on what she felt was right and necessary to do, she took on the project with diligence, yet with honest respect and care for those involved.
Reading the story definitely enveloped me in a different time and place. It took me away from the busy, technology-infused world that even my own daily life is, and put me in a town that was mostly its own microcosm in time. It's funny how that time period seems to be lost to the history textbooks. We all learn about slavery, civil rights movements, and such. But the world of the story seemed to be partially functional. The maids were paid, but still struggled to make ends meet. They were perhaps treated civilly, yet were viewed at least by some as still a different class of human being, and hence, segregation was the way things ran. This was set in the south; perhaps the north was already changing more rapidly by then, but I don't really know the history.
I'm going to sound like a reviewer, but truly it was an eye-opening book. But aside of that, it was touching and emotional as well, because once you get down past all the lines that the people of that time were living by, you can see and feel the beauty of the human relationships: between Aibileen and Minny, Skeeter and Aibileen, Aibileen and Mae Mobley, Skeeter and her mother, Stuart and Skeeter... And, of course, the entire point is exactly that which Skeeter realized her book was demonstrating.
Perhaps the strongest emotion I felt woven through this story is love. I was amazed by the relationship between Aibileen and Mae Mobley. I'm not sure what builds that bond between a maid and a child that is not her own -- is it the ongoing act of caring for and raising the child that engenders a mother-like love? Is it the natural innocence, joy, energy that the child has in abundance? I think I cannot fully understand from my point of view, given that I haven't the experience of being a mother. Yet at the same time, it was somewhat shocking the way the white mothers in the story generally seemed to be a mix of uninterested in and annoyed by the role of being a mother, or of what was left of it, anyway. I couldn't help but wonder why they would have children in the first place, if they didn't want to be raising them... but perhaps that's just how women's lives were expected to unfold at that time and/or place.
The love in the friendships among the black community was beautiful, too. I suppose some of that comes to existence naturally due to the situation -- all being together in the same boat, so to speak. But they really supported each other, through their church and in individual friendships.
I enjoyed Skeeter's character a lot. Her peers in the town seemed like empty human beings with surface level lives, spending their days gossiping, playing bridge, being in the League, and getting their hair done. But Skeeter was a person with her own unique depth: she took notice of her community and surroundings and saw them for what they were; she had her own interests and dreams (and while she respected and cared for her parents, she didn't let them press her into a life path of their choosing); she had immense self-respect (in her interactions and relationship with Stuart, in going forth with her mission of the book despite basically everyone she had been friends with turning away from her). In other words, she lived true to herself. And once she put her finger on what she felt was right and necessary to do, she took on the project with diligence, yet with honest respect and care for those involved.
Reading the story definitely enveloped me in a different time and place. It took me away from the busy, technology-infused world that even my own daily life is, and put me in a town that was mostly its own microcosm in time. It's funny how that time period seems to be lost to the history textbooks. We all learn about slavery, civil rights movements, and such. But the world of the story seemed to be partially functional. The maids were paid, but still struggled to make ends meet. They were perhaps treated civilly, yet were viewed at least by some as still a different class of human being, and hence, segregation was the way things ran. This was set in the south; perhaps the north was already changing more rapidly by then, but I don't really know the history.
I'm going to sound like a reviewer, but truly it was an eye-opening book. But aside of that, it was touching and emotional as well, because once you get down past all the lines that the people of that time were living by, you can see and feel the beauty of the human relationships: between Aibileen and Minny, Skeeter and Aibileen, Aibileen and Mae Mobley, Skeeter and her mother, Stuart and Skeeter... And, of course, the entire point is exactly that which Skeeter realized her book was demonstrating.
Monday, February 6, 2012
passion
Tonight while I was in the shower - which seems to be the location where I do a large portion of my most introspective thinking - I think I figured out the meaning of life. Kind of.
I believe it all comes down to passion. Or at least the most important things do. Everyone is seeking happiness, right? I mean, it's a basic desire, once we've got stable shelter and food supply, to be enjoying ourselves and feeling happy. And what do we spend a lot of our daily time doing (to fund said food and shelter)? A job, of course. I'm sure many, many people are doing jobs they wouldn't choose, just because they need the money. But to be happy - not excited all the time, but content, satisfied, purposeful, in good spirits - I believe the ideal is to be doing a job about which you're passionate. If you care about a purpose, or a product you're providing, or a service you're offering, then you will want to go spend your time on it every day. You won't be counting down the hours til you can go home because you'll get wrapped up in what you're doing and you won't notice them going by. And I'm speaking of a full-time job here, but I believe this can extend to college students as well; you aren't getting paid (unless maybe you're past undergraduate level), but if you are able to choose a subject you love, then you'll want to go to class, participate, and do the work given outside of it.
I'm not saying this is easy (and yes I've just painted a pretty rosy world here). Figuring out a passion might not come early in life, and you might still need college,, or even time afterwards, to really discover a niche out of the endless realm of possible jobs/subjects/purposes in which you feel you belong. But this kind of passion is one example.
I think people's passions often shine through (also) in realms very different from their jobs. I have been lucky enough to discover the world of partner dancing - most particularly, blues. One could call dancing a hobby of mine, but it's really a passion. The feeling of triad connection between me, a partner, and the music - when all falls best into line - is absolutely unlike anything else for me. It's physical and emotional expression. And I know the experience does it for many others, because I meet them at the numerous events I've traveled to, and I see it in those who are teaching the newer dancers, and I see it when I watch others dancing, and I live it in the vibrant community of which I am so happy to be a member. So another kind of passion is truly loving and feeling alive in an activity, an experience, and sharing that with an amazing community glued together by that common thread.
Passion is evident in your own strongest innate interests, too. When you find yourself seeking something out, in numerous ways over years of your life, and you can while hours on the never-ending pursuit of learning more, diving deeper into connoisseurship, I'd say it's a passion. Mine in this example is music. I played music instrumentally for years, and have long believed that while listening to music can be amazing, it can never compare to the emotionally evocative power of being part of producing the music. It has to be a piece that hits me the right way, but when it does, it's a strength of emotion that can't be put into words. I lived that passion for many years... and then the activity structure became less interesting and inspiring to me, and it fell out of my life. Dancing grew to fill that space. But as I got more into dancing, my musical interests regrew in the form of listening for the purpose of perhaps djing for dancers. This gave me a whole new perspective and set me on an everlasting search. I also was lucky enough to meet a friend whose passion and hunger for music that reaches him surpassed mine by a long shot. I was simply amazed time and again by his desire to find more and not only that, but to share it with me. He sent me off into another forever search of my own, to find music in the genres I love to listen to. My musical world has expanded astronomically since, and I could probably spend forever seeking and categorizing and searching for those songs you fall in love with instantly.
But there's more. I've realized, maybe only just today, that passion can be in the form of love. Not romantic or physical passion - those are at best fleeting in the picture of life, I think. When you really simply love somebody, with whatever relationship it may be (family, friend, or "significant other") - it is another passion. I don't feel necessarily qualified to speak of love in the form of those kinds of relationships particularly, but I have been and am loved. Love is caring and having concern, wanting the best for someone, giving to them ahead of your own wants and needs, being there for them. It's not sacrifice and service all the time, but more an ongoing mentality, and a willingness to also give more concretely in those ways. It's a calm but strong passion.
So passion gives our time purpose, gives us satisfaction in its fulfillment, gives us direction, ways to help others individually and at large, gives us joy and life, makes us who we are. People are more important than things, so I think love comes first. All the other kinds help make our lives full.
I believe it all comes down to passion. Or at least the most important things do. Everyone is seeking happiness, right? I mean, it's a basic desire, once we've got stable shelter and food supply, to be enjoying ourselves and feeling happy. And what do we spend a lot of our daily time doing (to fund said food and shelter)? A job, of course. I'm sure many, many people are doing jobs they wouldn't choose, just because they need the money. But to be happy - not excited all the time, but content, satisfied, purposeful, in good spirits - I believe the ideal is to be doing a job about which you're passionate. If you care about a purpose, or a product you're providing, or a service you're offering, then you will want to go spend your time on it every day. You won't be counting down the hours til you can go home because you'll get wrapped up in what you're doing and you won't notice them going by. And I'm speaking of a full-time job here, but I believe this can extend to college students as well; you aren't getting paid (unless maybe you're past undergraduate level), but if you are able to choose a subject you love, then you'll want to go to class, participate, and do the work given outside of it.
I'm not saying this is easy (and yes I've just painted a pretty rosy world here). Figuring out a passion might not come early in life, and you might still need college,, or even time afterwards, to really discover a niche out of the endless realm of possible jobs/subjects/purposes in which you feel you belong. But this kind of passion is one example.
I think people's passions often shine through (also) in realms very different from their jobs. I have been lucky enough to discover the world of partner dancing - most particularly, blues. One could call dancing a hobby of mine, but it's really a passion. The feeling of triad connection between me, a partner, and the music - when all falls best into line - is absolutely unlike anything else for me. It's physical and emotional expression. And I know the experience does it for many others, because I meet them at the numerous events I've traveled to, and I see it in those who are teaching the newer dancers, and I see it when I watch others dancing, and I live it in the vibrant community of which I am so happy to be a member. So another kind of passion is truly loving and feeling alive in an activity, an experience, and sharing that with an amazing community glued together by that common thread.
Passion is evident in your own strongest innate interests, too. When you find yourself seeking something out, in numerous ways over years of your life, and you can while hours on the never-ending pursuit of learning more, diving deeper into connoisseurship, I'd say it's a passion. Mine in this example is music. I played music instrumentally for years, and have long believed that while listening to music can be amazing, it can never compare to the emotionally evocative power of being part of producing the music. It has to be a piece that hits me the right way, but when it does, it's a strength of emotion that can't be put into words. I lived that passion for many years... and then the activity structure became less interesting and inspiring to me, and it fell out of my life. Dancing grew to fill that space. But as I got more into dancing, my musical interests regrew in the form of listening for the purpose of perhaps djing for dancers. This gave me a whole new perspective and set me on an everlasting search. I also was lucky enough to meet a friend whose passion and hunger for music that reaches him surpassed mine by a long shot. I was simply amazed time and again by his desire to find more and not only that, but to share it with me. He sent me off into another forever search of my own, to find music in the genres I love to listen to. My musical world has expanded astronomically since, and I could probably spend forever seeking and categorizing and searching for those songs you fall in love with instantly.
But there's more. I've realized, maybe only just today, that passion can be in the form of love. Not romantic or physical passion - those are at best fleeting in the picture of life, I think. When you really simply love somebody, with whatever relationship it may be (family, friend, or "significant other") - it is another passion. I don't feel necessarily qualified to speak of love in the form of those kinds of relationships particularly, but I have been and am loved. Love is caring and having concern, wanting the best for someone, giving to them ahead of your own wants and needs, being there for them. It's not sacrifice and service all the time, but more an ongoing mentality, and a willingness to also give more concretely in those ways. It's a calm but strong passion.
So passion gives our time purpose, gives us satisfaction in its fulfillment, gives us direction, ways to help others individually and at large, gives us joy and life, makes us who we are. People are more important than things, so I think love comes first. All the other kinds help make our lives full.
Saturday, June 11, 2011
find love
I think maybe I'm ready to find love.
Maybe I'm being a girl because I just watched a romantic comedy and now I'm having this thought. Maybe I'm being unrealistic to be inspired by a movie, because maybe we make the stories in movies just a little better than they would happen in real life.
Half of me is extremely sure what love is, and the other half is pretty damn sure I haven't a clue how to begin. See, in one sense, I experience love every single day. My friend Stephan at work is so hilarious that I've got my hands over my mouth, trying not to laugh out loud. I can exchange three lines via online chat with my dear friend David from Penn, and find myself saying "man, I love you, you know that?" I receive texts from my mom, asking how setting up my new apartment is coming along. I bond over really good beer, delicious blues dancing, and the way lindy hop is just that much better after a rum and coke.
But otherwise, I have given up for a long time now. I relegated the couples I have been around as mysteries; I had spent so much mental effort some years back to define and understand love for myself, but to no real conclusions, and I do not have the energy to try anymore. The discovery, the journey, the maintenance, the work through the downs for the sake of the ups -- these I see but from the outside, an observer trapped at the most surface level understanding.
It seems in my life that whenever "something" starts to happen with someone, it is unexpected: a string of occurrences that happened to weave together to bring that person into my life. If that holds, then, I ask myself, what need do I have to learn to seek? That means I have to wait, and hope. But the few times in the recent past that I have hoped a bit, always something has held things back. And so I haven't had the chance to see what might become.
My life is very filled right now. Friends, family, and activities are all there for me and wonderful. I'm living where I want to be, and I've got people who miss me in other cities. And yet, it might be nice to have someone to think about at the end of the day, knowing he will be doing likewise. It might be nice to hold hands and steal kisses. To send pointless text messages. To laugh so hard, and then have a deep conversation. To share beer, and dinner, and ice cream. To watch dumb TV and not care that it's dumb because it's extra cuddle time. To while the hours of a Saturday, doing our own thing, taking simple peace and comfort in another's company. To miss, be missed; need, be needed.
To love, without wondering.
But you know, I'm just making this all up. Because this is a little bit of how I like to imagine it would be.
Maybe I'm being a girl because I just watched a romantic comedy and now I'm having this thought. Maybe I'm being unrealistic to be inspired by a movie, because maybe we make the stories in movies just a little better than they would happen in real life.
Half of me is extremely sure what love is, and the other half is pretty damn sure I haven't a clue how to begin. See, in one sense, I experience love every single day. My friend Stephan at work is so hilarious that I've got my hands over my mouth, trying not to laugh out loud. I can exchange three lines via online chat with my dear friend David from Penn, and find myself saying "man, I love you, you know that?" I receive texts from my mom, asking how setting up my new apartment is coming along. I bond over really good beer, delicious blues dancing, and the way lindy hop is just that much better after a rum and coke.
But otherwise, I have given up for a long time now. I relegated the couples I have been around as mysteries; I had spent so much mental effort some years back to define and understand love for myself, but to no real conclusions, and I do not have the energy to try anymore. The discovery, the journey, the maintenance, the work through the downs for the sake of the ups -- these I see but from the outside, an observer trapped at the most surface level understanding.
It seems in my life that whenever "something" starts to happen with someone, it is unexpected: a string of occurrences that happened to weave together to bring that person into my life. If that holds, then, I ask myself, what need do I have to learn to seek? That means I have to wait, and hope. But the few times in the recent past that I have hoped a bit, always something has held things back. And so I haven't had the chance to see what might become.
My life is very filled right now. Friends, family, and activities are all there for me and wonderful. I'm living where I want to be, and I've got people who miss me in other cities. And yet, it might be nice to have someone to think about at the end of the day, knowing he will be doing likewise. It might be nice to hold hands and steal kisses. To send pointless text messages. To laugh so hard, and then have a deep conversation. To share beer, and dinner, and ice cream. To watch dumb TV and not care that it's dumb because it's extra cuddle time. To while the hours of a Saturday, doing our own thing, taking simple peace and comfort in another's company. To miss, be missed; need, be needed.
To love, without wondering.
But you know, I'm just making this all up. Because this is a little bit of how I like to imagine it would be.
Sunday, February 20, 2011
Wednesday, September 1, 2010
30th street station
Three years or so back, when the morning was still too early, a sleepy girl followed her boyfriend up to the train platform to wait. The city and all it has was still new and scary, and she needed someone with her. Of course, then she didn't really need to pay attention.
Much later, the station became a test. It was one more step in figuring out independence: to find one's way home. But it's not so bad, really. Read the signs and watch the times. It'll even tell you... "The scheduled - 7: - 42 - R7 - to Trenton - next to arrive - on track 3."
This turns to second nature, easily. The emotion shifts to comfort. When you know you're going home, everything is going to be okay. There's no worry of being alone, no want of surrounding and immediate love, no need for the concerns of taking care of yourself. So you step on board and leave to soak in that world for a couple of days. When you come back, it's: here's my city, baby. And the routine is ahead, like always.
There's a spot outside where I stood, holding, holding onto, one whom I had no idea of when I'd next see. The seconds I had were not enough time to learn the process of parting. So I decided quickly that maybe I didn't have to.
There's a bench, the first one you reach in the Amtrak waiting area, where we sat together. Everything I had inside begged for this moment not to be the last. So I stayed close while I could, said what was right, and waited.
There's an Auntie Anne's inside, along my walk to the corner doors. That's where he said I shouldn't let him stop, and I didn't completely pay attention, because I was a little weak with the happiness. It would be short, but it would be.
It was: everything.
Much later, the station became a test. It was one more step in figuring out independence: to find one's way home. But it's not so bad, really. Read the signs and watch the times. It'll even tell you... "The scheduled - 7: - 42 - R7 - to Trenton - next to arrive - on track 3."
This turns to second nature, easily. The emotion shifts to comfort. When you know you're going home, everything is going to be okay. There's no worry of being alone, no want of surrounding and immediate love, no need for the concerns of taking care of yourself. So you step on board and leave to soak in that world for a couple of days. When you come back, it's: here's my city, baby. And the routine is ahead, like always.
There's a spot outside where I stood, holding, holding onto, one whom I had no idea of when I'd next see. The seconds I had were not enough time to learn the process of parting. So I decided quickly that maybe I didn't have to.
There's a bench, the first one you reach in the Amtrak waiting area, where we sat together. Everything I had inside begged for this moment not to be the last. So I stayed close while I could, said what was right, and waited.
There's an Auntie Anne's inside, along my walk to the corner doors. That's where he said I shouldn't let him stop, and I didn't completely pay attention, because I was a little weak with the happiness. It would be short, but it would be.
It was: everything.
Saturday, July 31, 2010
Kaskade: Be Still
It’s nice when the heart
The heart is beating faster
Feeling alive when there is wanting
Always the same
I jump too quickly
Be still my soul
It’s love so serious
The more we think
The less we know
It’s love mysterious
Holding tight
When we should let go
Now that this love
Has overcome me
Now that this fire
Is burning bright
All of these words
Seem just beyond my reasoning
Be still my soul
It’s love so serious
The more we think
The less we know
It’s love mysterious
Holding tight
When we should let go
Be still my soul
Just let it go
(lyrics credit)
Saturday, June 26, 2010
Marriage
So um, I stumbled on an album of photos on Facebook tonight, and eventually figured out that they are wedding photos. This particular Facebook friend is actually more than someone I met just once (got a number of those on there, though); we knew each other by way of a common activity, but it only lasted a couple months.
The part that gets me is, he's 19. If he's followed the normal educational trajectory since I met him, he has just finished his freshman year of college.
Now, I haven't seen or communicated with him in years, and I am sure this was not a decision made lightly. And I hope the best for them.
I guess what's more pertinent is that this has served as a reminder for me. It's been awhile since I was in a relationship that was any sort of time-hardy, and about the same amount of time since I've tried to understand love and relationships. Along the way I've had one or two theories of mine broken, and now I've fallen into something of a stagnant mind-fog about it all. I look around at couples and wonder, what makes people mutually attracted to being in a relationship? What makes them stick together over a long[er] period of time? What the heck is love after all? (Maybe I should do some research on my friends who might apparently have some knowledge on this.)
I am doing okay without them, but still, I'm starting to miss the things of a relationship; having the go-to person for sharing mundane bits of life, for comfort, for laughter, for cuddling, and so on. Perhaps a bigger fear is my feeling rather powerless to find someone. One of my theories that I think is still standing is that it works best if "love" (if I dare use the strong word) comes upon you without your effort (and without your realization for awhile). I know you can't force things, because I've tried. And I always have a mental hesitation about actively searching for someone because it feels kind of fake, like you're going to make the person like you and yourself to like them, which just falls back to the category of forcing things. So this leaves me waiting for it to just happen to me. And I still have time, but... it can make me nervous. I don't want to entertain the possibility of living alone for the rest of my entire life.
The part that gets me is, he's 19. If he's followed the normal educational trajectory since I met him, he has just finished his freshman year of college.
Now, I haven't seen or communicated with him in years, and I am sure this was not a decision made lightly. And I hope the best for them.
I guess what's more pertinent is that this has served as a reminder for me. It's been awhile since I was in a relationship that was any sort of time-hardy, and about the same amount of time since I've tried to understand love and relationships. Along the way I've had one or two theories of mine broken, and now I've fallen into something of a stagnant mind-fog about it all. I look around at couples and wonder, what makes people mutually attracted to being in a relationship? What makes them stick together over a long[er] period of time? What the heck is love after all? (Maybe I should do some research on my friends who might apparently have some knowledge on this.)
I am doing okay without them, but still, I'm starting to miss the things of a relationship; having the go-to person for sharing mundane bits of life, for comfort, for laughter, for cuddling, and so on. Perhaps a bigger fear is my feeling rather powerless to find someone. One of my theories that I think is still standing is that it works best if "love" (if I dare use the strong word) comes upon you without your effort (and without your realization for awhile). I know you can't force things, because I've tried. And I always have a mental hesitation about actively searching for someone because it feels kind of fake, like you're going to make the person like you and yourself to like them, which just falls back to the category of forcing things. So this leaves me waiting for it to just happen to me. And I still have time, but... it can make me nervous. I don't want to entertain the possibility of living alone for the rest of my entire life.
Sunday, February 28, 2010
But I cannot forget, refuse to regret
I walk home slowly. It's nice, since 99 percent of the time I'm speed walking to my next commitment and will probably be late anyway. Since I remembered finally to charge my iPod, I select the songs for the walk: Human Nature, by Michael Jackson, and She Says, by Howie Day. I need something soothing for my thoughts.
Or maybe they're just ridiculous. I take the elevator up and I know I'm dead tired, but I don't want to change into pajamas (which are way more comfortable) nor smear off the makeup yet. I'd rather entertain in my imagination that the night's continuing. I'm laughing, then lifting my eyes to meet those of that person I want to be hanging out with.
But... I'm not even sure all the time who that person is.
Much as I do like to ignore it, I think I'm sensing the reality of the pointless situation moreso now. Maybe that means I'm dealing with it a little bit.
I think I'm looking for distractions too, though. I try to spend my time with various friends, and enjoying that time keeps me from dealing with my thoughts when I'm alone. And as I run around to all sorts of fun things, I look for whom upon to place my "that person" attention. So give me the superficial, the new random crushes, the boy of the night with whom I know nothing will happen anyhow. Am I just giddy, high on this shallow feeling and the taste of the game played by two?
At the end of the night, no matter how late I've stayed out, I'm coming home to cuddle with my pillow as I lie there and run the day's situations through my head. Fun is great, really. I am appreciating it. But what I'm missing, I think, is something more real and more fundamental. It's got the meaning to make it last through time. Or so I suppose, or assume, or whatever. I don't really know if I even understand. But I'm feeling the lack of something like this, and so I'm hoping for the twists of life paths that will bring it into mine. Sometime soon, perhaps.
(title: "The Sun" - Maroon 5)
Or maybe they're just ridiculous. I take the elevator up and I know I'm dead tired, but I don't want to change into pajamas (which are way more comfortable) nor smear off the makeup yet. I'd rather entertain in my imagination that the night's continuing. I'm laughing, then lifting my eyes to meet those of that person I want to be hanging out with.
But... I'm not even sure all the time who that person is.
Much as I do like to ignore it, I think I'm sensing the reality of the pointless situation moreso now. Maybe that means I'm dealing with it a little bit.
I think I'm looking for distractions too, though. I try to spend my time with various friends, and enjoying that time keeps me from dealing with my thoughts when I'm alone. And as I run around to all sorts of fun things, I look for whom upon to place my "that person" attention. So give me the superficial, the new random crushes, the boy of the night with whom I know nothing will happen anyhow. Am I just giddy, high on this shallow feeling and the taste of the game played by two?
At the end of the night, no matter how late I've stayed out, I'm coming home to cuddle with my pillow as I lie there and run the day's situations through my head. Fun is great, really. I am appreciating it. But what I'm missing, I think, is something more real and more fundamental. It's got the meaning to make it last through time. Or so I suppose, or assume, or whatever. I don't really know if I even understand. But I'm feeling the lack of something like this, and so I'm hoping for the twists of life paths that will bring it into mine. Sometime soon, perhaps.
(title: "The Sun" - Maroon 5)
Monday, June 8, 2009
Foosball is for lovers [1]
Foosball seems a little obscure to me. Or at least, it's a thing of (un)finished basements that host mix-of-family-and-friends birthday gatherings. But I have a couple of personal connections with the game.
Maybe love is obscure these days. I'm not having an easy time of finding it. It's all over books and movies, but as much fun as it is to think so, those aren't real life.
One goes back to...well, I'm not sure if it would be middle or elementary school. My brother and I were the ages when we would play with toys together - Matchbox cars, "farm and construction", Legos/K'Nex, and maybe the horse barn sometimes... Yeah, I was kind of a boy. Oh well.
Playing games, telling stories, making things up. Things you might do when you're talking, smiling, laughing with someone - time to forget the world for the sake of two.
We acquired the foosball table from a family friend - she used to babysit for us, actually. I looked through pages and pages of Google image search results, but could not find any that looked remotely like that secondhand table. It was completely unsturdy on four kind-of-thin metal-tube legs, and the "table" part was a thin board that sagged towards one end. (The sagging probably made it the games a bit unfair, but I don't recall being bothered by that.) The goals were white plastic little crate-like things that stuck out from the ends with a red slider for the score, and oddly enough, the provided plastic ball (a la ping pong ball, but with yellow and red soccer-ball patterning) did not fit through the holes into the goals. We often substituted a "bouncy ball" (whatever happened to those things? 90s fad or something?). Dude I totally remember these two-colored ones! The color pairs were usually kind of ugly...
The beginning. He wasn't there. Funny that would be the case. I got really into it, though I wasn't very good. And then I had to go.
The plastic players were actually little figures - there was the red team and the yellow team, and I was usually yellow, my brother red. Some of the players were cracked across the stomach where the rod went through, and some slid along the rod so you could yank the rod way out from the side of the table. p.s.: The [one] goalie was not able to spin a 360-degree rotation - he hit the end of the table and got stuck. We didn't bother to use him much. :)
Before I left (and before he'd gone for a bit), we were together often. Days, walks, sun. Laughter, and sometimes, a moment.
My brother and I played the craziest games with that foosball table. In a one-on-one game you gotta manage 4 rods of players by yourself, so there's a lot of switching around hands and the ball movement was rather all over the place. (Only now do I see people playing with strategy in two-on-two games.) Since there wasn't much to the table, we'd be jerking it all around. If the ball got stuck in the caved-in corner, we merely gave the table a jump. We spun players like crazy except the goalies who got stuck. Before dropping the ball in after someone scored, we'd take a minute to realign the players who'd gotten inadvertently rotated on their rods during playtime. Oh and we assigned names to the players, but not people's names. We actually named them after names we had given our Matchbox/Hot Wheels cars. My yellow defenders were London (a black London taxi) and Tel. 4 (a yellow cherry picker labeled as belonging to Telephone Company No. 4, I imagine). I think the offense were a few of the race car "gang".
Things really used to drive me crazy, like my shyness, and watching him. Going up to the roof deck, and oh, those touches, because maybe they were nothing, but I liked to think they meant everything. I wondered all the time. I feared we were stuck and the reason was, well, out of our hands. How many times did I imagine?
I think we trashed or gave away that table years ago. We have a new, nice one now. I have hardly touched it for all the years since the games with the old table. All of life was going on for all the years that I didn't really play.
He didn't keep in touch much. I tried more than he did. I figured it was the way he is and mostly let it be that way. All of life was going on, anyway.
Maybe love is obscure these days. I'm not having an easy time of finding it. It's all over books and movies, but as much fun as it is to think so, those aren't real life.
One goes back to...well, I'm not sure if it would be middle or elementary school. My brother and I were the ages when we would play with toys together - Matchbox cars, "farm and construction", Legos/K'Nex, and maybe the horse barn sometimes... Yeah, I was kind of a boy. Oh well.
Playing games, telling stories, making things up. Things you might do when you're talking, smiling, laughing with someone - time to forget the world for the sake of two.
We acquired the foosball table from a family friend - she used to babysit for us, actually. I looked through pages and pages of Google image search results, but could not find any that looked remotely like that secondhand table. It was completely unsturdy on four kind-of-thin metal-tube legs, and the "table" part was a thin board that sagged towards one end. (The sagging probably made it the games a bit unfair, but I don't recall being bothered by that.) The goals were white plastic little crate-like things that stuck out from the ends with a red slider for the score, and oddly enough, the provided plastic ball (a la ping pong ball, but with yellow and red soccer-ball patterning) did not fit through the holes into the goals. We often substituted a "bouncy ball" (whatever happened to those things? 90s fad or something?). Dude I totally remember these two-colored ones! The color pairs were usually kind of ugly...
The beginning. He wasn't there. Funny that would be the case. I got really into it, though I wasn't very good. And then I had to go.
The plastic players were actually little figures - there was the red team and the yellow team, and I was usually yellow, my brother red. Some of the players were cracked across the stomach where the rod went through, and some slid along the rod so you could yank the rod way out from the side of the table. p.s.: The [one] goalie was not able to spin a 360-degree rotation - he hit the end of the table and got stuck. We didn't bother to use him much. :)
Before I left (and before he'd gone for a bit), we were together often. Days, walks, sun. Laughter, and sometimes, a moment.
My brother and I played the craziest games with that foosball table. In a one-on-one game you gotta manage 4 rods of players by yourself, so there's a lot of switching around hands and the ball movement was rather all over the place. (Only now do I see people playing with strategy in two-on-two games.) Since there wasn't much to the table, we'd be jerking it all around. If the ball got stuck in the caved-in corner, we merely gave the table a jump. We spun players like crazy except the goalies who got stuck. Before dropping the ball in after someone scored, we'd take a minute to realign the players who'd gotten inadvertently rotated on their rods during playtime. Oh and we assigned names to the players, but not people's names. We actually named them after names we had given our Matchbox/Hot Wheels cars. My yellow defenders were London (a black London taxi) and Tel. 4 (a yellow cherry picker labeled as belonging to Telephone Company No. 4, I imagine). I think the offense were a few of the race car "gang".
Things really used to drive me crazy, like my shyness, and watching him. Going up to the roof deck, and oh, those touches, because maybe they were nothing, but I liked to think they meant everything. I wondered all the time. I feared we were stuck and the reason was, well, out of our hands. How many times did I imagine?
I think we trashed or gave away that table years ago. We have a new, nice one now. I have hardly touched it for all the years since the games with the old table. All of life was going on for all the years that I didn't really play.
He didn't keep in touch much. I tried more than he did. I figured it was the way he is and mostly let it be that way. All of life was going on, anyway.
Monday, March 30, 2009
bits & pieces
the other night:
allegro's at 1am
blueberry beer
fmylife.com
music sharing via youtube (and some figure skating, for the old days' sake)
comfiest blanket ever??
ignoring responsible life crap that matters
and another night before that one:
indian foooood...is really good
tea
that same blanket
relationship stories and later just really talking about them
(there was prolly some youtube in there too)
...this is what makes college really meaningful to me.
different night:
salsa.salsa.salsa
i really can't balance when i spin (usually)
everyone is sooo nice...yay
friend&guys
i think i love bachata
must go social dancing [a lot] more
i'm kind of a sucker for when guys dress nicely...
steaks on south//i can't contribute to conversational topics about the world??
totally different:
i love climbing, and i don't exactly know why
seems like everyone there is nice (helpful) as well
good place to be female? O:-)
conquering top-rope routes is .. awesome
argh need to get belay-certified
i'm a geek:
cuz i'm excited to set up a mysql database ahaha
and want to swallow php whole
wanna:
go dress shopping
go shopping for clothes in general ...(ok, so i'm such a girl sometimes)
be good at dance
go social dancing...hopefully to more of a variety than mainly salsa music
go climbing like all the time hah
be with friends; i'm running out of college time
i wish i had joined PLBD in freshman year. largely so i'd be kinda good at dance by now, but also cuz i'm starting to really see how these groups bond. i don't have that - not in band, not in dance (at this point anyway, but i don't think it'll change that much), not where i live nor where i lived, not amongst my major. this doesn't mean i don't have friends; i do and i love and appreciate them. what i wish i'd experienced is group friendship (mine are all scattered from various "sources").
(2:12:50 AM) Tory: i just thought of something
(2:12:56 AM) Tory: maybe cuz of the impracticality of it all
(2:13:01 AM) Tory: it wouldn't relaly hurt to tell him
(2:13:02 AM) Tory: heh
allegro's at 1am
blueberry beer
fmylife.com
music sharing via youtube (and some figure skating, for the old days' sake)
comfiest blanket ever??
ignoring responsible life crap that matters
and another night before that one:
indian foooood...is really good
tea
that same blanket
relationship stories and later just really talking about them
(there was prolly some youtube in there too)
...this is what makes college really meaningful to me.
different night:
salsa.salsa.salsa
i really can't balance when i spin (usually)
everyone is sooo nice...yay
friend&guys
i think i love bachata
must go social dancing [a lot] more
i'm kind of a sucker for when guys dress nicely...
steaks on south//i can't contribute to conversational topics about the world??
totally different:
i love climbing, and i don't exactly know why
seems like everyone there is nice (helpful) as well
good place to be female? O:-)
conquering top-rope routes is .. awesome
argh need to get belay-certified
i'm a geek:
cuz i'm excited to set up a mysql database ahaha
and want to swallow php whole
wanna:
go dress shopping
go shopping for clothes in general ...(ok, so i'm such a girl sometimes)
be good at dance
go social dancing...hopefully to more of a variety than mainly salsa music
go climbing like all the time hah
be with friends; i'm running out of college time
i wish i had joined PLBD in freshman year. largely so i'd be kinda good at dance by now, but also cuz i'm starting to really see how these groups bond. i don't have that - not in band, not in dance (at this point anyway, but i don't think it'll change that much), not where i live nor where i lived, not amongst my major. this doesn't mean i don't have friends; i do and i love and appreciate them. what i wish i'd experienced is group friendship (mine are all scattered from various "sources").
(2:12:50 AM) Tory: i just thought of something
(2:12:56 AM) Tory: maybe cuz of the impracticality of it all
(2:13:01 AM) Tory: it wouldn't relaly hurt to tell him
(2:13:02 AM) Tory: heh
Tuesday, February 24, 2009
All the guys in my mind/life
My mind keeps going back to this. There are too many situations to think about. And as I try to manage the thoughts, I find myself sorting these guys into groups.
There are some with whom I am good friends. I am comfortable with them and our interactions are fun and easygoing. And from my point of view, we are particularly close if we share our guy/girl stories with each other, which is an exchange I find enjoyable and interesting. I value these friendships a lot.
There are some who I only know a little, but who are so so friendly to me, such truly nice human beings, that the usually short interactions I happen to have with them here and there in my life just brighten up my days so much. They make me happy, just being with them for a bit - I want to say, "I just LOVE him!" I feel so glad to have come across them in my life, even if I never end up having more of a friendship with them (though I'm sure I'd like to).
There are some who I know, and who know me, and maybe we talk sometimes but not too often, and I'm at least somewhat comfortable around them. I want to talk with them and get to know them more, but I'm a little too shy, or I'm not sure they have enough reciprocal interest, or I sense that maybe I wouldn't quite fit into their lives. I guess I might also include here a few with whom I've lost a previous connection which I think I would like to rebuild. There are occasional little steps forward, but usually they are just little steps that probably fade anyway in the big picture. (And I mean all of this in a friendship sense, mainly.)
And then there are a few who I have a sense might have some level of interest in me. Maybe I should think a little more about what I'm doing in the various situations I'm in with these guys, because usually I play it by ear and try to be my friendly (I hope) self. I have genuinely had fun times with them though. But to be most fair to them, I should work out what I think I feel, and make sure to act accordingly and honestly. The problem is how ridiculously indecisive I usually am.
On the flip side, there's the crush(es?)...I can only think of one right now whom I've labeled in my mind as a crush. I've been thinking a little about crushes, and realized I don't really know what to do about them. Usually it's a "like from afar" situation; you don't really talk to them much, just kind of glance over at them when you happen to be in the same room for awhile and try to not be awkward when you do happen to interact. If they contact you, or pay you a few moments' attention, you react similarly to "i am filled with ridiculous giddy excitement. hahahha" (quoting myself to a friend). The thing is, it's all kind of meaningless. This attraction has to be mostly superficial, because you don't know the person well enough for it to be more deeply based, anyway. Maybe you can get to know them more, but then it's almost like picking someone randomly, because a crush-level attraction is no guarantee for an attraction on the personality level (which is extremely important, I believe). Once I got this far in my thinking, I felt kind of sad that it's probably pointless to hold onto this crush (or any, basically)...yet, I don't want to give up, because those silly moments of excitement do come along with it all, and I have something to hold onto, no matter how much it might not really matter. If it could turn out to matter, I would probably be ridiculously happy.
Finally, the category which no guy is filling for me right now - one who I really like, with whom I feel comfortable and compatible; we laugh easily and I want to talk with and spend time around him, and I want something more intense than friendship with him. Such is most elusive though, it seems.
There are some with whom I am good friends. I am comfortable with them and our interactions are fun and easygoing. And from my point of view, we are particularly close if we share our guy/girl stories with each other, which is an exchange I find enjoyable and interesting. I value these friendships a lot.
There are some who I only know a little, but who are so so friendly to me, such truly nice human beings, that the usually short interactions I happen to have with them here and there in my life just brighten up my days so much. They make me happy, just being with them for a bit - I want to say, "I just LOVE him!" I feel so glad to have come across them in my life, even if I never end up having more of a friendship with them (though I'm sure I'd like to).
There are some who I know, and who know me, and maybe we talk sometimes but not too often, and I'm at least somewhat comfortable around them. I want to talk with them and get to know them more, but I'm a little too shy, or I'm not sure they have enough reciprocal interest, or I sense that maybe I wouldn't quite fit into their lives. I guess I might also include here a few with whom I've lost a previous connection which I think I would like to rebuild. There are occasional little steps forward, but usually they are just little steps that probably fade anyway in the big picture. (And I mean all of this in a friendship sense, mainly.)
And then there are a few who I have a sense might have some level of interest in me. Maybe I should think a little more about what I'm doing in the various situations I'm in with these guys, because usually I play it by ear and try to be my friendly (I hope) self. I have genuinely had fun times with them though. But to be most fair to them, I should work out what I think I feel, and make sure to act accordingly and honestly. The problem is how ridiculously indecisive I usually am.
On the flip side, there's the crush(es?)...I can only think of one right now whom I've labeled in my mind as a crush. I've been thinking a little about crushes, and realized I don't really know what to do about them. Usually it's a "like from afar" situation; you don't really talk to them much, just kind of glance over at them when you happen to be in the same room for awhile and try to not be awkward when you do happen to interact. If they contact you, or pay you a few moments' attention, you react similarly to "i am filled with ridiculous giddy excitement. hahahha" (quoting myself to a friend). The thing is, it's all kind of meaningless. This attraction has to be mostly superficial, because you don't know the person well enough for it to be more deeply based, anyway. Maybe you can get to know them more, but then it's almost like picking someone randomly, because a crush-level attraction is no guarantee for an attraction on the personality level (which is extremely important, I believe). Once I got this far in my thinking, I felt kind of sad that it's probably pointless to hold onto this crush (or any, basically)...yet, I don't want to give up, because those silly moments of excitement do come along with it all, and I have something to hold onto, no matter how much it might not really matter. If it could turn out to matter, I would probably be ridiculously happy.
Finally, the category which no guy is filling for me right now - one who I really like, with whom I feel comfortable and compatible; we laugh easily and I want to talk with and spend time around him, and I want something more intense than friendship with him. Such is most elusive though, it seems.
Sunday, December 28, 2008
I love this song every time
Take a listen through the window
Take a lover on the radio
Ask her if she's got an answer
Do you know
Time enough to get a good one
Though they never seem to get done
I am standing for a reason
Do you know
[Chorus]
'Cause I don't know how
And I don't know where
We are we are
And I don't know why
I don't know if
We are we are
Seven days and not a return
Seven lives and not a thing learned
Take a lover on the highway
Do you know?
'Cause I am sleeping on a time bomb
And I am waiting for the light to come
You and I could get away now
Do you know
[Chorus]
I get up sometimes
Like somebody else
Am I just wasting time
For somebody else
Take a listen through the window
Another lover on the radio
Ask her if she's got an answer
Do you know?
[Chorus]
(http://www.azlyrics.com/lyrics/verticalhorizon/weare.html)
Take a lover on the radio
Ask her if she's got an answer
Do you know
Time enough to get a good one
Though they never seem to get done
I am standing for a reason
Do you know
[Chorus]
'Cause I don't know how
And I don't know where
We are we are
And I don't know why
I don't know if
We are we are
Seven days and not a return
Seven lives and not a thing learned
Take a lover on the highway
Do you know?
'Cause I am sleeping on a time bomb
And I am waiting for the light to come
You and I could get away now
Do you know
[Chorus]
I get up sometimes
Like somebody else
Am I just wasting time
For somebody else
Take a listen through the window
Another lover on the radio
Ask her if she's got an answer
Do you know?
[Chorus]
(http://www.azlyrics.com/lyrics/verticalhorizon/weare.html)
Saturday, December 27, 2008
"makin' me high"
It's the fallin' in love that's makin' me high
It's the being in love that makes me cry cry
You've got me fallin' in love
You're not like anybody I ever knew
But that don't mean that I don't know where we are
And though I find myself attracted to you
This time I'm trying not to go too far, cause
No matter how it starts it ends the same
Someone's always doing someone more
Trading in the passion for that taste of pain
It's only gonna happen again
It's the fallin' in love that's makin' me high
It's the being in love that makes me cry cry cry
It's the fallin' in love that's makin' me high
It's the being in love that makes me cry cry cry
All night... all night
And though I'm trying not to look in your eyes
Each time I do they kind of burn right through me
Don't want to lay down in a bed full of lies
And yet my heart is saying come and do me
Now we're just a web of mystery
A possibility of more to come
I'd rather leave the fantasy of what might be
But here I go fallin' again
It's the fallin' in love that's makin' me high
It's the being in love that makes me cry cry cry
It's the fallin' in love that's makin' me high
It's the being in love that makes me cry cry cry cry cry
It's the fallin' in love
(You got me falling in love, got me falling in love)
...
(http://www.allmichaeljackson.com/lyrics/itsthefallinginlove.html)
It's the being in love that makes me cry cry
You've got me fallin' in love
You're not like anybody I ever knew
But that don't mean that I don't know where we are
And though I find myself attracted to you
This time I'm trying not to go too far, cause
No matter how it starts it ends the same
Someone's always doing someone more
Trading in the passion for that taste of pain
It's only gonna happen again
It's the fallin' in love that's makin' me high
It's the being in love that makes me cry cry cry
It's the fallin' in love that's makin' me high
It's the being in love that makes me cry cry cry
All night... all night
And though I'm trying not to look in your eyes
Each time I do they kind of burn right through me
Don't want to lay down in a bed full of lies
And yet my heart is saying come and do me
Now we're just a web of mystery
A possibility of more to come
I'd rather leave the fantasy of what might be
But here I go fallin' again
It's the fallin' in love that's makin' me high
It's the being in love that makes me cry cry cry
It's the fallin' in love that's makin' me high
It's the being in love that makes me cry cry cry cry cry
It's the fallin' in love
(You got me falling in love, got me falling in love)
...
(http://www.allmichaeljackson.com/lyrics/itsthefallinginlove.html)
Sunday, October 5, 2008
where might this train of thought lead?
i walked out from the lobby of the other high rise, passing a couple fellow dmders along the way, and stepped out into the night where people, who were probably heading to or from parties, were out minimally populating the walkways. the night was chilly and he was on my mind cuz i'd been in touch with him, just a little bit, in the past couple of hours. and i'd gained a flickering hope of something to look forward to, maybe some little way i could help... if not that, maybe i could at least continue to understand him better.
but my mind as always pushes onward with imagination and paths faster than i can restrain it with reality. i miss him, i want to see him... i want to take a walk with him out in the beauty of the night, when the weather is clear and feels so good, and i want to talk with him, seriously.. and even though i'm almost sure it can't happen, if that little sliver could appear which might be the only time i could dive in for that chance, although it would be fairly awful of me to do so, for his sake, ... i want to kiss him.
it's a bit weird the way that thought keeps coming to mind, at fairly random times, these days. i know where it came from though, the point that possibly reawakened something i've been ignoring for so long that it's become so routinely embedded; i'm not even aware i'm doing it. that night i found out three things within probably just two minutes of time. with that, it began, though i'm not sure if i fully realized the impact yet. the night went on just fine, and came to an end with a very enjoyable time. i got back, and sat down, and suddenly it hit me like.. i don't even know what. but i froze, as this realization hit me and monopolized my mind. thoughts flew around and it was like all these little things came together and made sense. i couldn't do anything else; i spent time delving into memories and putting more things in place. yet, even as all of this was coming together, i was scared. i didn't want to be sure of this. would it make everything different? and then i started wondering if it would even last till morning. was this all something crazy that was happening as a product of one night on which these things happened? if i was so good at not thinking about it, such that i never even considered bringing it to mind, maybe that procedure would be automatically invoked and i would go back to normal, and this would be a fleeting story.
it happened, somewhat. i woke up and i wasn't frozen. my mind was freed from the hold by the thoughts that had come the night before. i've gone on and lived each day and things are normal. i bet i am as good as i think, about not thinking about it. i don't even have to try, really.
except for now and then, it'll come back. maybe it's a moment, but i always recognize it. sometimes i think of it at night, and it seems like all this pain, because i am almost trapped, i can't take action without so much risk and the possibility of inflicting hurt or stress and the chance of loss. and i have respect for him, and care for him, and i don't want to make it more difficult than it already is. even so, i reason to myself, there are some fundamental things that could cause problems. usually that argument fails to deter me though; it doesn't stop how much the laughter, the comfort, the experiences, and the glimpses of who he is that i've been so lucky to see all mean to me.
as much time and mental energy as i've put into trying to understand love, and formulate a personal concept of it that is right as far as i can determine, this situation probably confuses me more than anything else. sometimes i think i am going to lose what might be something that makes more sense to me than many other possibilities or situations i've come across; but i don't even have a real chance, so is it my fault if i don't ever attempt a humble and respectful try? but what about how it only hits me at times...and for the rest of the time i can leave it in some deep recess of my mind (heart?) and just be as i've been for so long? right now, that starts to look like i'm trying to push away something that i know is true, but... fine, i know i'm indecisive. probably the bigger cause here though is that i'm scared. i don't want to break things and i don't want to cause hurt. i'll sacrifice myself, because hey, i am good at it; i have accumulated so much practice in it that it's become basically okay by now. i still have what i do have, and whatever happens, anything at all, i know i do not want to lose that.
but my mind as always pushes onward with imagination and paths faster than i can restrain it with reality. i miss him, i want to see him... i want to take a walk with him out in the beauty of the night, when the weather is clear and feels so good, and i want to talk with him, seriously.. and even though i'm almost sure it can't happen, if that little sliver could appear which might be the only time i could dive in for that chance, although it would be fairly awful of me to do so, for his sake, ... i want to kiss him.
it's a bit weird the way that thought keeps coming to mind, at fairly random times, these days. i know where it came from though, the point that possibly reawakened something i've been ignoring for so long that it's become so routinely embedded; i'm not even aware i'm doing it. that night i found out three things within probably just two minutes of time. with that, it began, though i'm not sure if i fully realized the impact yet. the night went on just fine, and came to an end with a very enjoyable time. i got back, and sat down, and suddenly it hit me like.. i don't even know what. but i froze, as this realization hit me and monopolized my mind. thoughts flew around and it was like all these little things came together and made sense. i couldn't do anything else; i spent time delving into memories and putting more things in place. yet, even as all of this was coming together, i was scared. i didn't want to be sure of this. would it make everything different? and then i started wondering if it would even last till morning. was this all something crazy that was happening as a product of one night on which these things happened? if i was so good at not thinking about it, such that i never even considered bringing it to mind, maybe that procedure would be automatically invoked and i would go back to normal, and this would be a fleeting story.
it happened, somewhat. i woke up and i wasn't frozen. my mind was freed from the hold by the thoughts that had come the night before. i've gone on and lived each day and things are normal. i bet i am as good as i think, about not thinking about it. i don't even have to try, really.
except for now and then, it'll come back. maybe it's a moment, but i always recognize it. sometimes i think of it at night, and it seems like all this pain, because i am almost trapped, i can't take action without so much risk and the possibility of inflicting hurt or stress and the chance of loss. and i have respect for him, and care for him, and i don't want to make it more difficult than it already is. even so, i reason to myself, there are some fundamental things that could cause problems. usually that argument fails to deter me though; it doesn't stop how much the laughter, the comfort, the experiences, and the glimpses of who he is that i've been so lucky to see all mean to me.
as much time and mental energy as i've put into trying to understand love, and formulate a personal concept of it that is right as far as i can determine, this situation probably confuses me more than anything else. sometimes i think i am going to lose what might be something that makes more sense to me than many other possibilities or situations i've come across; but i don't even have a real chance, so is it my fault if i don't ever attempt a humble and respectful try? but what about how it only hits me at times...and for the rest of the time i can leave it in some deep recess of my mind (heart?) and just be as i've been for so long? right now, that starts to look like i'm trying to push away something that i know is true, but... fine, i know i'm indecisive. probably the bigger cause here though is that i'm scared. i don't want to break things and i don't want to cause hurt. i'll sacrifice myself, because hey, i am good at it; i have accumulated so much practice in it that it's become basically okay by now. i still have what i do have, and whatever happens, anything at all, i know i do not want to lose that.
Friday, July 18, 2008
I am going to explode
It has been 7 hours since I last ate something but I've already been home for an hour and haven't eaten anything. That's about how much this is consuming my mind. And when I say "this", I mean "he".
It's a complicated situation, really; before I got into it, I imagined that if I got into it, it would be difficult. Of course in the first place there is me to deal with. How many times have I been right next to him, our time together going on, supposedly what I look forward to so much, but I get so tied up with all my worry and fear that it all just strangles me? Thinking about it now, outside the moment, I can't even understand what I'm so afraid of. Maybe this is one reason it might be a stupid endeavor. I just want to be comfortable. I just want to be me, because if I want him to like me and like being around me, I don't want to be holding things back.
Sometimes, sometimes, it works. I'm telling him some story and I know he's listening cuz he has that look, interested and right in the moment with me. Or some little thing or other happens, and I make a little joke about it, which starts us laughing, and then one of us makes another joke off of that, and we just laugh even harder on top of it all. Then I relax a little because we shared something fun, something that feels good.
I think there's only been one time we've stepped past the line of little jokes and related funny stories to have a little bit more of a serious conversation. I think it took me slightly by surprise when he started it with a question, but it felt good... And I love laughing, I really really do, but I want this so much too. I want to just talk about what we think... But it seems so hard. I don't know a whole lot, but my life and his (and he and I) are so different. My knowledge, my experiences must encompass only a small fraction of his. I feel restricted and he looks free to me. How can my life be of interest to talk about? How can I be of interest? Well if I can't talk about things I do, I'd like to talk about things I think about... I want to try to give who I am, since I guess that's all I really have.
And then... there are these most dangerous little moments: we touch. It's happenstance. I'm laughing, we're going up the stairs, and he doesn't want me to fall, and he kind of has his arm there in case, and it brushes mine a few times. He reaches across my arm to get to the keyboard. My earring falls out and he puts it back in for me. His puts his hand on my knee, for a second.
...
Then my mind takes over, turns life into a movie. I trip over my shoes and the fall lands me halfway into his arms, and I get to stay there a little longer... Or our hands touch, and catch, and stay together. Or we're laughing really hard, then while we're recovering, I lean over and just kiss him. Okay yeah, basically every scenario leads to kissing, because somehow I can't stop them from coming to mind. I say "movie" because these things would be much more likely to happen in a movie than in my real life.
And just to make it all 10 times worse, the situation that I'm in draws its no-cross line exactly at the line whose crossing would indicate an interest between us... So I go on every day, wondering if he might want to cross that line, if the situation were different. Wishing I was free to cross it, if I could ever get the courage. Trying, if the chances arise, to step just a little closer, and see what happens, how he reacts. Attempting to discern if possibly he's on the other side of this barrier wanting the same thing, not that I could really think well enough of myself to assume it.
The worst thing is... I'm not sure why I want it all so much. Is it just this enticing game, something with which I can try to push the limits, this little bit of excitement I can hold onto and let it make me crazy? In the beginning, it seemed that we could talk easily, but now there are plenty of times it seems neither of us can think of anything to say. That's always awkward for me. Conversing easily and eventually meaningfully is one of the things I value most in a relationship with somebody (I mean any kind of relationship, friends as well); for sure, I want that with him, but it's not exactly happening naturally. Still, it bothers me every time I feel like I've regressed. But to get back to the point, if talking doesn't really flow with him, then why do I still "want" him so much? (..whatever "want" entails.) Is it a combination of just wanting to kiss someone and being attracted to him? ..I don't like thinking I'm caught up in such a shallow level of feelings, but I suppose I am human which makes it totally possible.
Okay...where have I gotten with all of this? I want and don't really know why but can't have anyway. Things happen every day, my mood soars or dives accordingly. I analyze and worry and wonder and regret and hope and act giddy and basically, go crazy. And I don't exactly want to rush my summer past, but I want so badly to know what might happen in a certain future moment that could be my only chance to find out some answers to all this wondering..
It's a complicated situation, really; before I got into it, I imagined that if I got into it, it would be difficult. Of course in the first place there is me to deal with. How many times have I been right next to him, our time together going on, supposedly what I look forward to so much, but I get so tied up with all my worry and fear that it all just strangles me? Thinking about it now, outside the moment, I can't even understand what I'm so afraid of. Maybe this is one reason it might be a stupid endeavor. I just want to be comfortable. I just want to be me, because if I want him to like me and like being around me, I don't want to be holding things back.
Sometimes, sometimes, it works. I'm telling him some story and I know he's listening cuz he has that look, interested and right in the moment with me. Or some little thing or other happens, and I make a little joke about it, which starts us laughing, and then one of us makes another joke off of that, and we just laugh even harder on top of it all. Then I relax a little because we shared something fun, something that feels good.
I think there's only been one time we've stepped past the line of little jokes and related funny stories to have a little bit more of a serious conversation. I think it took me slightly by surprise when he started it with a question, but it felt good... And I love laughing, I really really do, but I want this so much too. I want to just talk about what we think... But it seems so hard. I don't know a whole lot, but my life and his (and he and I) are so different. My knowledge, my experiences must encompass only a small fraction of his. I feel restricted and he looks free to me. How can my life be of interest to talk about? How can I be of interest? Well if I can't talk about things I do, I'd like to talk about things I think about... I want to try to give who I am, since I guess that's all I really have.
And then... there are these most dangerous little moments: we touch. It's happenstance. I'm laughing, we're going up the stairs, and he doesn't want me to fall, and he kind of has his arm there in case, and it brushes mine a few times. He reaches across my arm to get to the keyboard. My earring falls out and he puts it back in for me. His puts his hand on my knee, for a second.
...
Then my mind takes over, turns life into a movie. I trip over my shoes and the fall lands me halfway into his arms, and I get to stay there a little longer... Or our hands touch, and catch, and stay together. Or we're laughing really hard, then while we're recovering, I lean over and just kiss him. Okay yeah, basically every scenario leads to kissing, because somehow I can't stop them from coming to mind. I say "movie" because these things would be much more likely to happen in a movie than in my real life.
And just to make it all 10 times worse, the situation that I'm in draws its no-cross line exactly at the line whose crossing would indicate an interest between us... So I go on every day, wondering if he might want to cross that line, if the situation were different. Wishing I was free to cross it, if I could ever get the courage. Trying, if the chances arise, to step just a little closer, and see what happens, how he reacts. Attempting to discern if possibly he's on the other side of this barrier wanting the same thing, not that I could really think well enough of myself to assume it.
The worst thing is... I'm not sure why I want it all so much. Is it just this enticing game, something with which I can try to push the limits, this little bit of excitement I can hold onto and let it make me crazy? In the beginning, it seemed that we could talk easily, but now there are plenty of times it seems neither of us can think of anything to say. That's always awkward for me. Conversing easily and eventually meaningfully is one of the things I value most in a relationship with somebody (I mean any kind of relationship, friends as well); for sure, I want that with him, but it's not exactly happening naturally. Still, it bothers me every time I feel like I've regressed. But to get back to the point, if talking doesn't really flow with him, then why do I still "want" him so much? (..whatever "want" entails.) Is it a combination of just wanting to kiss someone and being attracted to him? ..I don't like thinking I'm caught up in such a shallow level of feelings, but I suppose I am human which makes it totally possible.
Okay...where have I gotten with all of this? I want and don't really know why but can't have anyway. Things happen every day, my mood soars or dives accordingly. I analyze and worry and wonder and regret and hope and act giddy and basically, go crazy. And I don't exactly want to rush my summer past, but I want so badly to know what might happen in a certain future moment that could be my only chance to find out some answers to all this wondering..
Wednesday, July 9, 2008
Silliness....:P
I would say in general I'm a pretty serious person. Apparently it's a deep-seated trait, because in 4th grade two of my friends launched a campaign to make me laugh more. (I'm not sure how effective it was.) This doesn't mean I don't enjoy joking and laughing, because I thoroughly do. I like serious conversation because it enlightens me about the person with whom I'm conversing; it's interesting to hear their opinions, advice, thoughts, perspectives, etc etc. But of course I also enjoy cracking up together (even possibly in the middle of a serious conversation); it makes me feel comfortable and a little closer to that person because we're sharing something that just feels good ("natural high" and all that - it's probably true). As for just goofing off, it's not something that comes naturally. Watching my brothers or whoever being pointlessly/ridiculously silly is usually uninteresting if not mildly annoying to me. And same goes for that kind of comedy in movies. However...sometimes I click into the silly mode. It works best when my brothers are goofing off. Then silly faces and gestures ensue, and almost everything one of us says is probably a little ridiculous and cause for more laughing. None of it is actually that funny except because for the time being, everything is funny. The best part is letting go of everything and bonding and just having crazy fun that doesn't make much sense... Haha if any guy can get me into silly mode and spend an hour or something with me like that, I'd probably be on my way to falling in love. (Well...at least falling in "like"..."love" is a powerful word and I still can't quite figure it out.)
Bottom line? I really need to do more of this, and with more people. :)
Bottom line? I really need to do more of this, and with more people. :)
Wednesday, July 2, 2008
Love v0.1
(11:03:51 PM) Tory: being loved is really nice but
(11:03:53 PM) Tory: it's not everything
(11:03:57 PM) Tory: i want to love
(11:04:01 PM) Tory: i want to know it
(11:04:08 PM) Tory: instead of wondering all the time
(11:04:26 PM) Tory: i look at other people around, and listen to all this music
(11:04:31 PM) Tory: and everyone else is so sure
(11:04:35 PM) Tory: that's what i want
(11:04:50 PM) Tory: i'm hoping i'll find it and know
(11:03:53 PM) Tory: it's not everything
(11:03:57 PM) Tory: i want to love
(11:04:01 PM) Tory: i want to know it
(11:04:08 PM) Tory: instead of wondering all the time
(11:04:26 PM) Tory: i look at other people around, and listen to all this music
(11:04:31 PM) Tory: and everyone else is so sure
(11:04:35 PM) Tory: that's what i want
(11:04:50 PM) Tory: i'm hoping i'll find it and know
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