a little lost

As I prepared to get in the shower tonight, like I do on every typical night, I noticed once again that I've still got slivers of teal-green nail polish at the tops of both my big toenails.  Those bits of color remain from (no joke) last June or July.  The summer's memories come back for a moment - warmth (a particularly nostalgic one, considering how tired I'm getting of bundling up in heavy clothes and layers these days), sunshine, a new friend with a shared passion, learning to make trips to NYC on my own as I found how much I liked their blues dancing scene.

Accomplishments.  When I realize the steps I made over the summer, the new experiences then that are now under my belt, I feel good.  But as I shower (always a useful time for thinking), I attempt to summarize the big picture.  Where am I, in growing up?

I guess the summary would be that I'm not an adult yet.  Yeah, I'm way past the legal milestones of 18 and 21 years of age.  And more importantly, I have some major things checked off.  I graduated college - it was a hell of a hard time sometimes, but I got through it.  I've been beyond lucky in my internship experiences, always working with wonderful people and learning things, and the icing on that cake was attaining a full-time job to start immediately after graduation.  I have my own apartment now, and right in the location I want, no less.  In no way am I looking past these.  They are major achievements in the game of Life (ha), and sometimes I feel so lucky (for these successes as well as other goodness in my life) that I figure my luck is overdue to run out and something is not going to work out for me soon.

My nature, though, is to analyze, largely including my own thoughts and experiences.  Of late I have been noticing some ways in which certainly I have some adult steps yet ahead of me.  Some are kind of straightforward: find a dentist near where I live so I can start going for yearly checkups and avoid possible awful tooth problems later.  Some are going to require some learning: how to do my taxes, so my dad does not have to do them for me.  Some are going to require some serious habit changes and effort to tackle an issue I have had difficulty with so far: cooking and eating better.

Those are a few concrete to-do/to-learn items.  I am also just beginning to realize that I need to find my balance.  There are so many activities I want to do: new things I want to try, learn, practice, and existing ones I don't want to lose time to fit in.  And amidst this, I want to see friends, or talk with those who aren't local.  This monumental set of desires really can't be accomplished all at once.  Sleep is important, as I have long been aware, but beyond that, I'm starting to feel tired from all the running around trying to do everything.  Relaxation and self time - including learning to be comfortable with time by myself - is key.

Maybe sometimes I need to remind myself I can't do everything at once, or try to start fixing or accomplishing all the steps at the same time.  Life is long, and I have time to work on things, and to try things, and to learn more about what I like and how I want to live.

somedays

Someday, I will figure out a way to make my home feel a little bit like Barnes & Noble.  There is something about its atmosphere, its vibe, that calms me every time I walk in.  And I meander through endless passages, through more storytelling and knowledge that I could ever absorb, and finally bury myself in a corner to spend a half hour with whatever printed word has caught my mind.

Someday, I will have a car, so I need only depend on myself to drive to places I want to go, and events I want to attend, and to visit who I want to spend time with.  And I'll give people rides, because I know how grateful I am every time someone makes me life easier by giving me a ride now.

Someday, if I'm still living in the city, I will have a cat, because of the way my friend's cat - and seeing how he loves this cat - has forever endeared me to the species.  The kittens in the window in the shop next to my building entrance might have something to do with it too.  Or maybe I'll have a dog, a small one that I might be able to get away with having in an apartment, because of the way I smile every time I see my coworker's tiny white dog.

Someday, I'll take a SEPTA bus adventure.  I'll try all those north/south routes I've never taken, and at least observe if not walk around all the areas of which I'm rather unaware.  I so like to call this city my own, and it is wider than what my experience encompasses.

Someday, I will write a novel.  Despite my vast ability to be unmotivated to make progress on any of the personal projects I have in my head, somehow it will come together.  I will get over the times I can't string together the words to make a single satisfying sentence, to reach the times when it flows like this is what I was meant to do with my life.  I'll hole up in local cafes; the employees will know all the drinks and pastries that I typically order; I'll wear baggy sweatpants and nerdy t-shirts all the time; sunlight will stream in as the hours are whiled in narration, sometimes with a musical background because I can't take silence for too long.  And then I'll hope against hope that someone else in the world thinks the result is good enough to share with people.

Someday, I will go on a cruise to a tropical island.  The ship will have salsa dances, and a bunch of really good dancers will randomly be on the ship, and somehow I will be lucky enough to dance with them.  At night on the island I will drink, and dance, and get lost in house music.  I'll sleep til the sunlight wakes me, go sightseeing, visit tiny local shops, eat food I never knew of in the first place, lie tanning on the beach... forget the normal world for a little window of time.

Someday - though I cannot imagine it really exists - I will find a job of DJing for cafes and fancy lounges and bars.  How better to put to use the endless hunger for, the hours of time spent exploring, the depths of a genre of music?  The good stuff may be hard to find, but man, when it's found, it's good.  Eventually I'll find some avenue to create this vibe for other people.

Someday, I'll have an apartment or a house with an empty wood-floored room, so that at last I can host friends, from one to many, for dancing.

Someday, I will be married.  I'll have someone to kiss goodbye as we head off to work.  We'll spend perfect rainy Sundays cuddled up in a blanket with movies and really good beer - complete contentment.  And I will never go to sleep alone again.

Now that I'm in Philly "for real",

I've kinda been making a mental list of things to do.  And since this stage of life I've now reached currently has no real defined end, I essentially have all the time in the world to get around to these.

explore local cafés - up to about 4 so far

bike around the city - done so a few times (to LaB once too!)

find more Latin and swing dancing nights

get on random buses to go check out parts of the city I haven't been around

go to Chris's sometimes

try out bars I haven't been to

bike the Schuylkill River trail

Summer To-Do {1-10}

1) Make an anklet...if I can find the embroidery thread bracelet pattern book.

2) Get a membership to the rock gym and go climbing so I might start to be good at it.

3) Actually read the things I subscribe to via Google Reader.

4) Watch some movies on the list my friends compiled for me.

5) Fix my sleep schedule.

6) Get better at foosball...haha

7) Get my photography website designed, populated, and running.

8) Clean my laptop's fan out. This probably requires removal of the keyboard, but I don't care, because it's dying.

9) Write something.

10) Email companies I would like to work for next year; ask them what I have to do between now and then to be good enough.

bits & pieces

the other night:
allegro's at 1am
blueberry beer
fmylife.com
music sharing via youtube (and some figure skating, for the old days' sake)
comfiest blanket ever??
ignoring responsible life crap that matters

and another night before that one:
indian foooood...is really good
tea
that same blanket
relationship stories and later just really talking about them
(there was prolly some youtube in there too)
...this is what makes college really meaningful to me.

different night:
salsa.salsa.salsa
i really can't balance when i spin (usually)
everyone is sooo nice...yay
friend&guys
i think i love bachata
must go social dancing [a lot] more
i'm kind of a sucker for when guys dress nicely...
steaks on south//i can't contribute to conversational topics about the world??

totally different:
i love climbing, and i don't exactly know why
seems like everyone there is nice (helpful) as well
good place to be female? O:-)
conquering top-rope routes is .. awesome
argh need to get belay-certified

i'm a geek:
cuz i'm excited to set up a mysql database ahaha
and want to swallow php whole


wanna:
go dress shopping
go shopping for clothes in general ...(ok, so i'm such a girl sometimes)
be good at dance
go social dancing...hopefully to more of a variety than mainly salsa music
go climbing like all the time hah
be with friends; i'm running out of college time

i wish i had joined PLBD in freshman year. largely so i'd be kinda good at dance by now, but also cuz i'm starting to really see how these groups bond. i don't have that - not in band, not in dance (at this point anyway, but i don't think it'll change that much), not where i live nor where i lived, not amongst my major. this doesn't mean i don't have friends; i do and i love and appreciate them. what i wish i'd experienced is group friendship (mine are all scattered from various "sources").


(2:12:50 AM) Tory: i just thought of something
(2:12:56 AM) Tory: maybe cuz of the impracticality of it all
(2:13:01 AM) Tory: it wouldn't relaly hurt to tell him
(2:13:02 AM) Tory: heh