thoughts and life.

a little lost

2012-02-15T00:48:00.000-05:00

As I prepared to get in the shower tonight, like I do on every typical night, I noticed once again that I've still got slivers of teal-green nail polish at the tops of both my big toenails. Those bits of color remain from (no joke) last June or July. The summer's memories come back for a moment - warmth (a particularly nostalgic one, considering how tired I'm getting of bundling up in heavy clothes and layers these days), sunshine, a new friend with a shared passion, learning to make trips to NYC on my own as I found how much I liked their blues dancing scene.

Accomplishments. When I realize the steps I made over the summer, the new experiences then that are now under my belt, I feel good. But as I shower (always a useful time for thinking), I attempt to summarize the big picture. Where am I, in growing up?

I guess the summary would be that I'm not an adult yet. Yeah, I'm way past the legal milestones of 18 and 21 years of age. And more importantly, I have some major things checked off. I graduated college - it was a hell of a hard time sometimes, but I got through it. I've been beyond lucky in my internship experiences, always working with wonderful people and learning things, and the icing on that cake was attaining a full-time job to start immediately after graduation. I have my own apartment now, and right in the location I want, no less. In no way am I looking past these. They are major achievements in the game of Life (ha), and sometimes I feel so lucky (for these successes as well as other goodness in my life) that I figure my luck is overdue to run out and something is not going to work out for me soon.

My nature, though, is to analyze, largely including my own thoughts and experiences. Of late I have been noticing some ways in which certainly I have some adult steps yet ahead of me. Some are kind of straightforward: find a dentist near where I live so I can start going for yearly checkups and avoid possible awful tooth problems later. Some are going to require some learning: how to do my taxes, so my dad does not have to do them for me. Some are going to require some serious habit changes and effort to tackle an issue I have had difficulty with so far: cooking and eating better.

Those are a few concrete to-do/to-learn items. I am also just beginning to realize that I need to find my balance. There are so many activities I want to do: new things I want to try, learn, practice, and existing ones I don't want to lose time to fit in. And amidst this, I want to see friends, or talk with those who aren't local. This monumental set of desires really can't be accomplished all at once. Sleep is important, as I have long been aware, but beyond that, I'm starting to feel tired from all the running around trying to do everything. Relaxation and self time - including learning to be comfortable with time by myself - is key.

Maybe sometimes I need to remind myself I can't do everything at once, or try to start fixing or accomplishing all the steps at the same time. Life is long, and I have time to work on things, and to try things, and to learn more about what I like and how I want to live.

a new kind of freedom

2012-02-06T21:39:00.000-05:00

It's 9:17pm on a Monday night. In all normal Monday paths in my life these days, I would be, in the next ten minutes or so, getting dressed and ready to head to Powerhouse Blues. Blues dancing is among the most-loved activities in my life now, and I don't miss the Monday dance for anything but a few very special exceptions. In fact I am listening to a particularly delicious blues song at this very moment - John Hammond's version of Same Thing - and starting to half-regret the decision...

Today my good friend at work reminded me that we have not gone out for a beer and a nice talk for quite awhile. We almost waited til tomorrow, but at the last moment decided to hang out today. We went to a bar I've passed many times on the bus and recently saw claiming to have 20 craft beers on draft. We had a wonderful, in depth, and honest talk about some shared threads in our lives. I am happy to have such friends.

So I made it home at 8-something in the evening and realized, man, I am tired. And hungry. I am so lucky as to have leftovers to eat this week, the results of my parents' visit and cooking with my mother (a well-versed experienced cook) over this past weekend. So I microwaved a plate and it was utterly delicious.

While tired, I had been intending on heading to blues at 9:30 as usual. Then I remembered this week is the once-monthly house party dance held two bus rides away from where I live. Now, I know I am incredibly spoiled to have merely a 30-second walk to the regular weekly venue. I am not saying I'm complaining about the change of location. I merely had - for once - a simple realization and resulting decision: I'm feeling tired, in the mood for relaxing indoors, not for going back out a half hour from when I walked in the front door. I realized that I don't have to bind myself to a weekly schedule just because the event opportunity is there and because I love it so much. I realized I can listen to my gut feeling and take a night off, and while I'm lamenting a little bit that I'll now probably go two weeks in between blues dancing (such a painfully long time to wait!), I am okay with this for right now, and I think it will be good for me.

What do you know! Life is changeable.

passion

2012-02-06T01:19:00.000-05:00

Tonight while I was in the shower - which seems to be the location where I do a large portion of my most introspective thinking - I think I figured out the meaning of life. Kind of.

I believe it all comes down to passion. Or at least the most important things do. Everyone is seeking happiness, right? I mean, it's a basic desire, once we've got stable shelter and food supply, to be enjoying ourselves and feeling happy. And what do we spend a lot of our daily time doing (to fund said food and shelter)? A job, of course. I'm sure many, many people are doing jobs they wouldn't choose, just because they need the money. But to be happy - not excited all the time, but content, satisfied, purposeful, in good spirits - I believe the ideal is to be doing a job about which you're passionate. If you care about a purpose, or a product you're providing, or a service you're offering, then you will want to go spend your time on it every day. You won't be counting down the hours til you can go home because you'll get wrapped up in what you're doing and you won't notice them going by. And I'm speaking of a full-time job here, but I believe this can extend to college students as well; you aren't getting paid (unless maybe you're past undergraduate level), but if you are able to choose a subject you love, then you'll want to go to class, participate, and do the work given outside of it.

I'm not saying this is easy (and yes I've just painted a pretty rosy world here). Figuring out a passion might not come early in life, and you might still need college,, or even time afterwards, to really discover a niche out of the endless realm of possible jobs/subjects/purposes in which you feel you belong. But this kind of passion is one example.

I think people's passions often shine through (also) in realms very different from their jobs. I have been lucky enough to discover the world of partner dancing - most particularly, blues. One could call dancing a hobby of mine, but it's really a passion. The feeling of triad connection between me, a partner, and the music - when all falls best into line - is absolutely unlike anything else for me. It's physical and emotional expression. And I know the experience does it for many others, because I meet them at the numerous events I've traveled to, and I see it in those who are teaching the newer dancers, and I see it when I watch others dancing, and I live it in the vibrant community of which I am so happy to be a member. So another kind of passion is truly loving and feeling alive in an activity, an experience, and sharing that with an amazing community glued together by that common thread.

Passion is evident in your own strongest innate interests, too. When you find yourself seeking something out, in numerous ways over years of your life, and you can while hours on the never-ending pursuit of learning more, diving deeper into connoisseurship, I'd say it's a passion. Mine in this example is music. I played music instrumentally for years, and have long believed that while listening to music can be amazing, it can never compare to the emotionally evocative power of being part of producing the music. It has to be a piece that hits me the right way, but when it does, it's a strength of emotion that can't be put into words. I lived that passion for many years... and then the activity structure became less interesting and inspiring to me, and it fell out of my life. Dancing grew to fill that space. But as I got more into dancing, my musical interests regrew in the form of listening for the purpose of perhaps djing for dancers. This gave me a whole new perspective and set me on an everlasting search. I also was lucky enough to meet a friend whose passion and hunger for music that reaches him surpassed mine by a long shot. I was simply amazed time and again by his desire to find more and not only that, but to share it with me. He sent me off into another forever search of my own, to find music in the genres I love to listen to. My musical world has expanded astronomically since, and I could probably spend forever seeking and categorizing and searching for those songs you fall in love with instantly.

But there's more. I've realized, maybe only just today, that passion can be in the form of love. Not romantic or physical passion - those are at best fleeting in the picture of life, I think. When you really simply love somebody, with whatever relationship it may be (family, friend, or "significant other") - it is another passion. I don't feel necessarily qualified to speak of love in the form of those kinds of relationships particularly, but I have been and am loved. Love is caring and having concern, wanting the best for someone, giving to them ahead of your own wants and needs, being there for them. It's not sacrifice and service all the time, but more an ongoing mentality, and a willingness to also give more concretely in those ways. It's a calm but strong passion.

So passion gives our time purpose, gives us satisfaction in its fulfillment, gives us direction, ways to help others individually and at large, gives us joy and life, makes us who we are. People are more important than things, so I think love comes first. All the other kinds help make our lives full.

somedays

2011-12-23T00:04:00.002-05:00

Someday, I will figure out a way to make my home feel a little bit like Barnes & Noble. There is something about its atmosphere, its vibe, that calms me every time I walk in. And I meander through endless passages, through more storytelling and knowledge that I could ever absorb, and finally bury myself in a corner to spend a half hour with whatever printed word has caught my mind.

Someday, I will have a car, so I need only depend on myself to drive to places I want to go, and events I want to attend, and to visit who I want to spend time with. And I'll give people rides, because I know how grateful I am every time someone makes me life easier by giving me a ride now.

Someday, if I'm still living in the city, I will have a cat, because of the way my friend's cat - and seeing how he loves this cat - has forever endeared me to the species. The kittens in the window in the shop next to my building entrance might have something to do with it too. Or maybe I'll have a dog, a small one that I might be able to get away with having in an apartment, because of the way I smile every time I see my coworker's tiny white dog.

Someday, I'll take a SEPTA bus adventure. I'll try all those north/south routes I've never taken, and at least observe if not walk around all the areas of which I'm rather unaware. I so like to call this city my own, and it is wider than what my experience encompasses.

Someday, I will write a novel. Despite my vast ability to be unmotivated to make progress on any of the personal projects I have in my head, somehow it will come together. I will get over the times I can't string together the words to make a single satisfying sentence, to reach the times when it flows like this is what I was meant to do with my life. I'll hole up in local cafes; the employees will know all the drinks and pastries that I typically order; I'll wear baggy sweatpants and nerdy t-shirts all the time; sunlight will stream in as the hours are whiled in narration, sometimes with a musical background because I can't take silence for too long. And then I'll hope against hope that someone else in the world thinks the result is good enough to share with people.

Someday, I will go on a cruise to a tropical island. The ship will have salsa dances, and a bunch of really good dancers will randomly be on the ship, and somehow I will be lucky enough to dance with them. At night on the island I will drink, and dance, and get lost in house music. I'll sleep til the sunlight wakes me, go sightseeing, visit tiny local shops, eat food I never knew of in the first place, lie tanning on the beach... forget the normal world for a little window of time.

Someday - though I cannot imagine it really exists - I will find a job of DJing for cafes and fancy lounges and bars. How better to put to use the endless hunger for, the hours of time spent exploring, the depths of a genre of music? The good stuff may be hard to find, but man, when it's found, it's good. Eventually I'll find some avenue to create this vibe for other people.

Someday, I'll have an apartment or a house with an empty wood-floored room, so that at last I can host friends, from one to many, for dancing.

Someday, I will be married. I'll have someone to kiss goodbye as we head off to work. We'll spend perfect rainy Sundays cuddled up in a blanket with movies and really good beer - complete contentment. And I will never go to sleep alone again.

small life lessons

2011-11-21T00:48:00.000-05:00

Walk in drizzling rain sometimes. It can be refreshing.
Take something annoying and turn it into something positive by a change of perspective. (This is a generic derivation of #1.)
Stop to look at the kittens in the window. A dose of real-life (i.e. non-Internet) cuteness can be nothing but healthy.
Help a stranger. Tonight I helped the guy sitting next to me on the bus with his new smartphone, and he returned the favor by helping me get my jacket on at the end of the ride. I also helped a fellow pedestrian with directions as I was walking home. These are small things but they felt good.
Cry when you need to.
Hold hands -- it's so simple, but so affirming.
Dance. Take the emotion that music gives you and let it out kinetically, physically.
Communicate. It builds relationships.
There's nothing like a good hug.

musings on being "in love"

2011-11-10T09:18:00.000-05:00

All the relationship-related joy, pain, and desires poured out in 97% of songs in existence -- are these really how people feel? To take over our thoughts that widely and to encompass that much intensity, being in love must really be one of the strongest human emotions. I guess I just haven't been there yet.
Is being in love somehow different than loving someone? I can without hesitation say "I love you" to close friends and family, yet the idea of saying it with the intended meaning of "I'm in love with you" seems incredibly more daunting, weighty, significant, serious. Yet I imagine that there is a lot of overlap: joy in being in the other's presence, ease of conversation, mutual care, ...
How do you know that you're in love? One friend laughed when I posed this question and responded that if you have any question in your mind, then the answer is that you're not. I am indecisive about many elements of life, from those that don't really matter to the major turning points. Do I need to cut back on the analysis here and revert to a simpler level, tuning in to my natural feelings, to understand where I am?

collections

2011-11-04T09:45:00.001-04:00

When I was younger I used to collect...

1) Keychains
I'm not sure if I ever thought they would have practical use, since I don't think I possessed any keys at the time. Nonetheless they were my go-to souvenir for family vacations big and small, as well as photos taken on roller coasters during Music in the Parks band trips.

2) Postage stamps
In this case, the collection was started for me by a great-aunt. And so for awhile I carefully cut out any interesting stamps from the corners of envelopes, watching the stamp price rise over a few years. (What are they up to now? I haven't mailed anything in quite awhile.) Anyhow, I carefully categorized the stamps and placed them into a large album...which must be around somewhere now...

3) Toothbrushes
I do not recall what inspired me to save each toothbrush when I was done with it instead of throwing it out. Perhaps I had gotten a bit attached after all those months - and some of them had cool designs (leopard print, anyone?). Either way, they accumulated in a drawer until, I believe, I was packing to move out of home after college. Yes, I did throw them out, but not without getting a good laugh and a photo of them first.

Nice things today

2011-11-01T09:32:00.004-04:00

Since I am utterly failing at writing anything here as often as I wish to, I came up with a new plan the other day: short posts centered on lists of 3 (items, thoughts, experiences, whatever).

This is the first one; referring to last night.

Getting a nice, long, very comfortable parting hug at the end of PhB (with Chris). Felt appreciation and affection in it.
As always, I stopped to see the current kittens in the window of the pet shop right next to my building's door. There was one beautiful gray and white striped one. It saw me and we had a long moment of eye contact. I seriously wanted to take it home and love it forever. (I don't even like referring to it as "it" but don't know if it's he or she.)
Made a new Pandora station inspired by a friend's playlist from a couple years ago (Eric). It was nice to think of him. It's also incredibly refreshing to just listen to music - not to build a genre playlist or judge songs ten times over for danceability.

characteristic #8

2011-10-20T01:34:00.001-04:00

I have a need to save pretty much all the personal-data stuff that is naturally generated by my life. Notes with friends on scraps of paper from middle school? Yup. Random photos I took on my phone? Yeah, they are memories of sophomore year of college. Chat conversations? Well, these are auto saved by many chat services these days, but I'd keep copies manually in the days before AIM kept its own logs. I never want to delete a text message that made me smile, and it's hard to throw out even a logistical note my mom jotted down.

So what does this mean? For one I have tons of physical and digital archives of this stuff and it takes up space in those realms. Also means I can dig into some of those and have some serious floods of memories. What if maybe I should let some of this stuff go - keep what is special and unique, and tie the memories to those fewer things? I want to appreciate all the good experiences and people that are/were in my life, but I have to let go what is past to be best able to focus on what I have right now that is also so good.

music love.

2011-08-01T00:26:00.000-04:00

The last... eight? months or so have grown to be a musical explosion in my life. Blues: I've missed the weekly blues dance perhaps three times ever, since I really dove head-first into love with blues dancing last September. And then there was JETLAG: hey, we can do this dancing thing to lounge/world/downtempo/chill music too. DJX taught me we can consider all kinds of music to play with, in joy, silliness, intensity, a deep moment that creates a world between only you and a partner.

Out of this, for listening, the chill/lounge music stole my heart. It can be relaxing - enveloping - comforting - emotional - dark - passionate; it makes you dream, and desire. My journey in it originated with my (also new) love for chill house, building a playlist with artists I knew. From that I split off this list, and thereafter it has grown immensely. I've explored the work of a number of artists I first heard on Pandora, particularly from my station built after Jetlag. Friends have given me leads, occasionally Grooveshark Radio contributes a song I like, and Turntable has opened a few new doors lately.

The world of music is amazing - and if you let it be, overwhelming. There seems to be an endless number of artists I have never heard of, despite my ravenous desire to discover as much in the genres I love as I possibly can. (Sometimes I save so many songs that shuffling through my playlist procures songs I never recall finding - good songs, and thus an extra bit of happiness that I did find them already.)

But! in the vastness is the beauty. There is always more to find. Much of the time I find some music I don't care for, a bunch that is alright, and some that I like. But every now and then, my seeking is rewarded: I find a gem. Less than 20 seconds in, I'm in love. Excitement! And so I save it, harbor it, share it with those who may love it as well... and know that I'll have lasting joy in it.

characteristic #7

2011-07-13T23:29:00.000-04:00

As my beloved friend at work observed the other morning when I walked into the office, I like drinking my coffee out of a stirrer-turned-straw. Wawa's stirrers are, in fact, perfect for this. I tend to be impatient with coffee -- I want to begin the wakeup process with those first few sips, and waiting for it to cool off a bit takes too long. However, impatience leads to burnt tongues. So, the "straw" method somewhat abates that risk. :)

for nostalgia, posterity, and those who weren't on Facebook in the old days

2011-07-02T01:57:00.000-04:00

Recently I have had some friends bug me to quit some of my Facebook groups, because I am maxed out and they cannot invite me to another (new and actually useful) group.

I've finally taken a pass through and removed membership from several, but I held out because every time I looked at my list of groups, I felt it created a patchwork description of who I am: stuff I love, stuff I used to love, ways of life, habits, activities. Back in "the day" - on Facebook's time scale - there wasn't much else to do besides join groups. Half your news feed for the day would be informing you of the 15 new groups your friends joined. You'd have to check them all out, join the ones that applied to you too, and then invite friends who might be interested.

For the most part, groups didn't do anything functional; the largest ones' discussion boards would fill up with stupid games like rating how hot the person who posted just before you was. Instead they were mainly like badges of accomplishment, membership, and opinions.

That said, I have preserved a full list of my Facebook groups, copied here forevermore, dedicated to those friends who could never quite understand my attachment to them. :) (Groups I created/admin'd are in italics.)

"...and you got into Penn?"

5 AP Calulus

100+

2010 Penngineers

:pq:

<3 Cat Macros <3

~*Harry Potter Has Me Under His Spell*~

Adam Sherr: the man, the myth, and the legend!

ADD in DMD

AIM Profile/Away Message checkers anonymous

A little piece of me died with Severus Snape

ALWAYS Sleep- Deprived

Ambiguous hair color/ambiguous eye color, another uncertainty in life

America's Roller Coast: Fans of Cedar Point, Sandusky, Ohio

Another Jamie waiting on her Landon...

Apparently, Michael Jackson and Billie Jean Were Not Lovers

Are you a Model? Oh, no wait, You're the Idiot who got dressed up for class

Atlanta Braves Fans For Life

A Walk to Remember

Badminton is the shit!!

Band Geeks for Life

Boys Are Sketchy...

British Accents Are Awsome

BSE DMD CSE CBE ESE MSE LSD and CRACK

C++

Catholic at Penn

Catholics (Global)

Cedar Drive Middle School Class of '02

Cedar Point=AMAZING!

Central Jersey

Central Jersey is Where It's At

Cereal: Not Just for Breakfast

channing tatum+dance=best movie EVER (aka step up)

Chapstick Addiction

Chips Challenge: The Legions of Melinda

Cinnamon Dolce Latte -Aholics!

Coalition of Students Against the Troubles of Laundry

Colts Neck Alumni in Philadelphia

Colts Neck Athlete Alumni

Colts Neck High School Band(s)

Colts Neck High School Class of '06

COLTS NECK PEOPLE!!!

Computer Programmers

Computer Science

Crazy Loop (Mm-ma-ma)

CSE 110 Lab 204 (Fall '06)

Cuddlebuddies

DDR

Delaware Valley West Coast Swing

Destination: Mae

Digital Media Designers

Dirt Cheap Blues

DMD 2010

Don't Ask Me Where I'm From, Because I'm From a Tiny Town You've Never Heard of

DRL decreases my quality of life

E = Fb : MUSICIAN"S THEORY OF RELETIVITY

Egyptian Ratscrew is addictive and contagious

Every morning I say to myself: "Tonight I'll go to bed Early!!"

Exceptional Residents of E-Section: Stouffer 2007-2008

FaceBook Chat Without A Browser!!!

Facebook Developers

Facebook is Better than MySpace

Figure Skating Fans Unite!

Firefox is far superior to Internet Explorer

Firefox Users

Fork You! We Like To Spoon!

Geek! It's Not Just for Guys -- Female Geeks at Penn

GOBAT

Golden Sun junkies united against alchemy

Groovy dancing in Philly at L'Etage and other venues

Group Work Sucks - My Teammates are Idiots

haha/lol anonymous

Hallmates Who Talk To Each Other Online While Sitting In the Same Room (UPenn Chapter)

Hamilton College House (or High Rise North)

Harry Potter Lovers

Hey, just because I sleep until the afternoon doesn't mean that I'm lazy!

HOKAY, so here's the Earth!

Hoodies Freakin' Rock

How did you get into swing? --my Documentary Collage

I ♥Jack Sparrow

I ♥ Taking Pictures

I'm a "13 Going on 30" fan and proud of it...who's your daddy?

I'm A Fermata...Hold Me

I'm from 732, bitch.

I'm from a Small Town and Proud of it!!

i'm going to have AMAZING sex...after i'm married (penn chapter)

I'm Not Anti-Social.... I'm Just Lazy

I'm Not Your Real Friend, But I Get a Request For You To Be My Facebook Friend?! Get Your Life Right

I'm Tired Of People Fucking Up My Name

I'M TOO LAZY TO GO TO SLEEP :]

I've Been Through The High Rise Wind Tunnel

I <3 Belmar

I <3 My soffe shorts!!!

I am Sexually Attracted to Talent

I beat Chex Quest

I Bet You Can't Pronounce My Last Name

I can't... I'm going dancing tonight.

I Compulsively Check my Facebook and Email just to Avoid my Homework

I didn't have ADHD until I came to college.

I Don't Really Laugh Out Loud When I IM You "LOL"

I dont have time to do Homework... Because I'm in College.

Id Rather Be Skiing!!!

I eat pop-tarts uncooked

I eat too much dessert

If cheerleading is a sport, then by golly so is marching band!

If Facebook reaches 8,146,718,692 stupid theme groups, you're all morons.

If it weren't for DDR, I'd get no exercise at all!

If this group reaches 4,294,967,296 it might cause an integer overflow.

I Fucking Hate Recursion

If you despise groups that say "if this group reaches 100,000 I'll..."

I Have no Life and I'm Proud of It

I know who Visser Three is, and I'm terrified of him.

I Like Someone but I'm Not Doing Anything About It... Except Looking at Their Facebook Profile

I like to wear my lazy/comfy clothes.... And I love it

I Live(d) In A Bubble Town

I Live In New Jersey And I Don't Have That Accent

I Love A Man In A Suit

I love Chick Flicks.

I Love Cold Stone Creamery

I love how we're friends on facebook, but we don't actually talk in person.

I love marching band!!!!!!

I Love Mark Ruffalo !

I love Nicholas Sparks' books

I Love To Tickle, Snuggle, And Cuddle With That One Special Person!

I Make A Wish at 11:11

i make wishes at 11:11

Im a Night Owl

Imogen Heap

Imogen Heap is fabulous. the end.

In central NJ it's called the beach, not "the shore"

I Need Rehab For My Snooze Button Addiction

I Play DDR/ITG/StepMania etc.

I Play Egyptian Ratscrew with Consecutives

I Refer To People By Nicknames They Will Never Know

I Refuse to Gain the Freshman 15

I remember the Animorphs and they were badass!

I spend more time on my cell texting than talking.

I Start My Homework at 2 In the Morning

It's 2 AM, you have class tomorrow, you don't know why the fuck you are awake

It's Not My Fault What You Said Can Be Misconstrued as A Sexual Innuendo

It's Rodin, not hamilton.

I take my CSE notes on paper!

I Trip On the Uneven Bricks

I Tripped On Locust Walk and Tried To Play it off

I Used to Go to Sleep, But Now I Go to College

I used to run home after school and watch Poke'mon!

I used to wear Footy Pajamas. Admit it. You all did.

I use my cell phone as a flashlight

I Use my Cell Phone to See in the Dark

I Use Python And So Should You

I Want to Go to Hogwarts...Which Way to Platform 9 3/4?

I Went To a Good Public School...bitch

I Went To A Public High School.....Bitch (Global Group)

I wish I had an English accent

I wish I were a figure skater ::sigh::

I Wish I Were Your Derivative So I Could Lie Tangent To Your Curves!

I [heart] Alexei Yagudin

Java

Jazz Attack!

Jersey Pride

Johnny Depp and Orlando Bloom make the HOTTEST pirates EVER!!!

Join this group if you've hugged someone in it

Join this if you've played music with someone in it...

Library Shelvers Unite!

LIFE- Let's see how many pro-life people are on facebook.

Life would be much simpler if I didnt think so much.

Locust Walk Pamphlet Dodgers

Love Generation - Worlds best tune!

MACK

Marching Band Is Pretty Kickass

Marching Band Was My Favorite Part Of High School

Musicians Make Better Lovers

Music is my Life

My heart belongs to the Jersey Shore.

My last name is not cool enough to have its own group.

My name is Victoria and no, I will not tell you my "secret."

National Catholic Youth Conference 2005 (NCYC)

Newman $1 Dinner

Newman Catholic Student Center

NJ/NY Upenn 2010'ers

No, I haven't read that great literary classic--But I've seen the Wishbone!

Not Drunk at Penn

NOT Penn State......you dumb bitch

Obsessive Compulsive Facebook Group Joiners

Obsessive LOLers anonymous

Ode to Cracklin' Oat Bran

Of course I love reading....I love reading instant messages

One Body of Christ Experiment (all Christians on Facebook)

Ooh... You Touch My Tra La La

Oregon Trail Was as Much a Part of My Childhood as TGIF

Over Obsessive Stalkers of America

PARANOiA Lovers (and haters)!

Penn '10

Penn Band

Penn Band Camp 2008

Penn Band Clarinets

Penn Band Clarinets ('nets)

Penn Band Undergraduate Event Notices

Penn Career Services' DC/Baltimore Metro Area Network

Penn Career Services' New York Metro Area Network

Penn Career Services' Northern California/Pacific Northwest Network

Penn Career Services' Philadelphia Metro Area/Delaware Valley Network

Penn Career Services' Southern California/Southwest Network

Pennddr

Penn Engineering Alumni

Penn Latin and Ballroom Dance PLBD

Penn Wind Ensemble

People who DON'T clap between movements

People who don't sleep enough because they stay up late for no reason

People Who Hate Going Up c/o 1949 Bridge!!!!

People Who Know the Difference Between Your and You're (Upenn Chapter)

People Who Like Groups Noone Else Has Ever Heard Of

Philadelphia Salsa Connection

Philly Lindy Love

Pidgin - One IM to rule them all!!!

PLBD Summer 2010, Penn Latin Ballroom Dance

POTC 1, 2, and soon to be 3

procrastination is the key to life

Procrastinators Unite.Maybe Today.Probably Tomorow.Hopefully Soon Though

Programming with Python

Pump My Gas

Quotation Mark "Hunters"

Random White Kids in the Middle of a Sea of Asians

Reppin' Monmouth County

Rodin 12th Floor 2008-09

Rodin College House 2008-2009

Sam Hazo is my Hero

Save The Music!!

Scramble Bands of America

SCREW HOMEWORK!!! I HAVE A LIFE TO LIVE

SEAS webmail is.....umm.....technologically superior

Shamelessly Sober

Six Flags Great Adventure

Sleep... it's the new sex

Spooning Club

St. Mary's Young Adults

Students Against Drunken Frat Debauchery

Students for the Relocation of DRL to outside my bedroom window

Students for the Resurrection of the Ancient Art of Dating

Styx

Swashbucklers! Raise Your Swords!!

Sweatpants are awesome!

Texting Addicts Anonymous (TAA)

The Anthony Campisi Fan Club

The band is the reason for Saturday.

The Clarinet Group

The Curse of the Black Pearl is better than Dead Man's Chest

The Father Charlie Fan Club

The Hedvats are Taking over Penn

The Jersey Shore: Where Magic is Made

The Largest Facebook Group Ever

The Lost art of Foosball

The New facebook is stalkerish (what's so bad about that)

The Official Animorphs Nostalgia Group

The Official Class of 2010

The Official Mr. Gatti I'll Bet You A Penny Fan Club

The Sexy Ho-Ditties of Hamilton 1... and Frennie

The Surrogate Profile Of Luke Auld-Thomas

The Vag, and Friends of the Vag Who Love the Vag

The William Ian Eastman Fan Club

The word "gay" is not a synonym for "stupid".

They Can Have My PC… After They Pry it Out of My Cold Dead Fingers

Thriller Dance, anyone?

Top 10 reasons to date a band member - my most successful group. Worth a link.

Tutti i Gobat nel mondo

UPenn Class of 2010 - Living in Philadelphia After Graduation

Verizon free texting!!

wait, theres life outside of band?!

We're not Crazy, We're just Catholic

Westie Wednesday with Rob and Sheila

What is that Mysterious Ticking Noise?...

Whats Wrong With T-shirts?

When I was your age, there were only 150 pokemon.

Who Wears Short Shorts?...I WEAR SHORT SHORTS!

Why Does Every Group End In Bitch?.....bitch.

Why yes, I am music obsessive... Thanks for noticing :)

Yeah, I went to BAND CAMP. And I liked it.

yeah i work/worked at a library

Yeah that's right I don't drink COFFEE

Yes, I want to fix the High Rise Elevators

Yes For Life

You know you're a band dork when...

you know you're a kid from the 90s when...

You know you're from the Jersey Shore when...

finally: climbing and dance intersect!

2011-06-25T23:50:00.000-04:00

thanks Ben :)

hug chemistry

2011-06-13T09:02:00.002-04:00

I've very slowly started to come across a select few people with whom my body seems to fit, like two long-lost puzzle pieces. And I'm not talking about sex.

Somehow, pressing my chest and stomach to theirs and wrapping our arms around each other creates a most wonderful feeling of comfort. There's a sense of being at home, like: this is the way the entire front of my body is totally meant to feel. It's a moment of physical rightness.

I can think of one friend who falls into this category from prior, but the blues dancing scene is what has opened up this possibility to me. What can I say? We dance close with each other all the time, so the level of touch we (perhaps subconsciously) view as normal amongst the community is a bit higher than outside it. And I doubt any of us could deny that a warm hug at the end of a great blues dance with someone is icing on the cake. Yum.

Thus I have many chances to experience hugs in my life, out of which - in beautiful rarity - I am discovering more people whose hugs click with mine. Only now am I starting to consciously appreciate them as something special, and fully indulging in this natural happiness of fulfillment through the sense of touch.

find love

2011-06-11T17:17:00.000-04:00

I think maybe I'm ready to find love.

Maybe I'm being a girl because I just watched a romantic comedy and now I'm having this thought. Maybe I'm being unrealistic to be inspired by a movie, because maybe we make the stories in movies just a little better than they would happen in real life.

Half of me is extremely sure what love is, and the other half is pretty damn sure I haven't a clue how to begin. See, in one sense, I experience love every single day. My friend Stephan at work is so hilarious that I've got my hands over my mouth, trying not to laugh out loud. I can exchange three lines via online chat with my dear friend David from Penn, and find myself saying "man, I love you, you know that?" I receive texts from my mom, asking how setting up my new apartment is coming along. I bond over really good beer, delicious blues dancing, and the way lindy hop is just that much better after a rum and coke.

But otherwise, I have given up for a long time now. I relegated the couples I have been around as mysteries; I had spent so much mental effort some years back to define and understand love for myself, but to no real conclusions, and I do not have the energy to try anymore. The discovery, the journey, the maintenance, the work through the downs for the sake of the ups -- these I see but from the outside, an observer trapped at the most surface level understanding.

It seems in my life that whenever "something" starts to happen with someone, it is unexpected: a string of occurrences that happened to weave together to bring that person into my life. If that holds, then, I ask myself, what need do I have to learn to seek? That means I have to wait, and hope. But the few times in the recent past that I have hoped a bit, always something has held things back. And so I haven't had the chance to see what might become.

My life is very filled right now. Friends, family, and activities are all there for me and wonderful. I'm living where I want to be, and I've got people who miss me in other cities. And yet, it might be nice to have someone to think about at the end of the day, knowing he will be doing likewise. It might be nice to hold hands and steal kisses. To send pointless text messages. To laugh so hard, and then have a deep conversation. To share beer, and dinner, and ice cream. To watch dumb TV and not care that it's dumb because it's extra cuddle time. To while the hours of a Saturday, doing our own thing, taking simple peace and comfort in another's company. To miss, be missed; need, be needed.

To love, without wondering.

But you know, I'm just making this all up. Because this is a little bit of how I like to imagine it would be.

love yourself

2011-06-08T19:22:00.006-04:00

from @DamnItsTrue

philly bucket list!

2011-05-01T22:06:00.000-04:00

-- inspired by The Bucket List. I've been meaning to do this for awhile, but it's also totally meant to be a work in progress.

Sundae party
The Franklin - with Ben (seriously, how did I not know about this place??)
check out Northern Liberties
Silk City (been mentioned to me enough times)
Cuba Libre - have to try out salsa there
Vango - I've been there once, but should try out the salsa night there too
browse Passyunk Ave
go to 69th Street Terminal. because I never have.
really learn South Philly
watch an entire Phillies game on tv at a bar
discover and try out local cafés (in progress...)
Argentine tango(!!!!)
Fiume (45th & Locust) - mentioned to me the other day... again, how haven't I heard of this place? Good things!

"so you"

2011-05-01T17:33:00.000-04:00

Last night, a friend and wonderful person reminded me of a thought I had while coming home on the bus the other day.

If I consider my good friends, one overarching reason why I like them is just the way their personalities come through in casual communicating - be it in a brief chat or a long talk. Knowing and enjoying someone's unique mannerisms in interaction is something I really value.

So I was thinking about text communications between friends. I talk online and send text messages with friends all the time. To what degree each person is "genuine" (speaks online as they would face to face) might be difficult to measure, but I realized one thing: one of my favorite moments in talking online or via text message is when a friend says something that just totally sounds like them. I can hear it in their voice and see how their facial expression would look. It's the closest feeling to being with them in person when communicating by text, I think. Truly makes me smile inside.

nostalgia

2011-04-14T01:23:00.000-04:00

I used to get these strong moments of nostalgia when I was ending a major period of my life -- I remember having visited my high school's band camp the summer before I was headed to college, and afterward, lying across my bed at home, in a near-physical pain about leaving marching band. It was one of the experiences I most intensely loved throughout four years of high school and I expected nothing would be like it again. And my college band experience really wasn't much like it, after all. But that had all its own variables of course. So I still look back past college band to high school band with a special fondness.

In the evening of my graduation day from Penn, I had a bit of an emotional breakdown. I was trying to pack to move out of my dorm apartment room and kept thinking of how some of my closest friends would be disappearing across the country. I began checking in with friends to see if anyone wanted to go out and do something, because I had to get out of that room and the physical actions of preparing to leave the campus (and a life built over four years). Eventually I was told to meet up at City Tap House -- my first night there actually; I went thankfully.

Life post-college has developed wonderfully, and accordingly, my amount of time to rest is typically on a slow but steady decrease. Sometimes I can't believe how lucky I am to have found these activities -- mainly dancing -- and the truly beautiful community thereof. I hardly have time to process and appreciate it all enough. The excellent side benefit is one I often don't notice: I usually don't have the mental time to fall into nostalgia. It almost makes sense... why should I be sad and miss the past if the present is full of happiness?

But sometimes, I open up a memory. And I hold it for a long moment. I can be sad if I think of it as a loss, that someone or something is no longer an element of my life, or if an experience was much briefer than I would wish it to be. But there is a deep joy and appreciation that shines through this. It was a part of my life -- a part meaningful enough to leave a lasting and treasured impression. That's why the word 'bittersweet' is so perfect, and why I don't push away those moments of nostalgia when I find myself in them. I find value in appreciating them once again, just within myself.

social dynamic reciprocation?

2011-04-05T02:17:00.001-04:00

Thought:

In the blues/swing dance community I am surrounded by many incredibly nice and friendly people. (I hate how generic those terms are, but they are basically the terms that apply.) There are many people I still am just getting to know on more of a friend level (i.e. a step beyond "hey it's fun to dance with you" level), and pretty much everyone is open to chatting away easily and comfortably. I feel like I've found gold in this group of people. And this circles back and inspires me to act in kind. What I ended up wondering just now was whether others get the same vibe back from me... (I hope!)

everything

2011-03-29T03:26:00.000-04:00

Ever have an experience that is so wonderful that it takes you in completely; nothing else from your life is a consideration or even in your thoughts at all? It's not something earth-shattering nor life-direction-changing, nor potentially even "crazy" in whatever sense. It's just a fun, a joy so purely and naturally felt that that long moment is everything when you're in it. And you probably didn't even look for the situation; but the beautiful path of life threw in a couple of unexpected tweaks in direction and the rest just happened.

characteristic #6

2011-02-21T01:02:00.000-05:00

I love plaid pajama pants. Flannel in the winter; lighter weight in the fall and spring.

why I love you (one of so many reasons)

2011-02-20T04:05:00.001-05:00

(here's the link, by the way.)

The Feel Good Life

2011-02-17T02:11:00.001-05:00

(Sounds like a book title. If I was cooler, I'd be writing that book.)

stepping into a hot shower, immersing in the water

flannel pajama pants

when someone holds the door for you

laughing. making someone else laugh.

first time re-listening to an old favorite song

figuring something out that you've been stuck on (aside of all the time it took!)

letting go when you dance

finding the perfect music for your mood

hugs that make you feel their meaningfulness

comfortable conversation

delicious food and drink

the breeze on a hot day, and at the beach in the summer

the oddly warm day in a later winter month

when someone expresses concern for you

when you've just completed washing, drying, and putting away laundry

the bedgasm

first delicious sip of coffee

clicking with someone you've just met

a back massage

when someone keeps in touch with you

sleeping in

holding hands. cuddling. kissing.

cozying up in a blanket

songs that just make you want to dance

passing by cute dogs on the sidewalk

feeling another person's breathing or heartbeat

sharing a love of something with someone

new friends

sunshine

The Bible has a Facebook page

2011-02-17T01:33:00.002-05:00

("f. yeah" - really?) It's a wonderful message though. And by the way, Jesus is an organization.

Little kid hates bus and loves trolley

2011-02-10T17:45:00.021-05:00

I had an interesting little encounter on the 21 bus this evening. Two moms with their young sons, who were about the same age, got on the bus at 34th street or so. The little Asian boy seemed happy - chatting with his mother (and not in English!), he clambered onto a seat. The other boy, however, launched into nearly a tantrum. "I don't wanna take the bus!" was the main phrase, interspersed was "I wanna take the trolley", and the occasional "I want to get off the bus!" peppered his stream of upset pleading for good measure. The Asian boy, whom I assumed to be his friend, at first patted the seat space next to him, but the upset boy paid no heed to this offer. The Asian boy's mother tried to assist too, making another paper airplane to give him, but this boy's mother simply decided he was a lost cause. It was all rather funny to me since I much prefer being on a bus to being on a trolley in most cases and ways. I wonder what could cause a kid that young to have such a strong preference for one type of Septa vehicle and against another?

I got off at 39th Street. :)

characteristic #5

2011-02-10T01:57:00.000-05:00

I need a level of messiness in my living space. It doesn't feel comfortably lived in if I don't have piles of assorted papers covering at least most of my desk, clothes thrown over the back of the round green chair, and bed unfixed. And 2-4 pairs of shoes on the floor. There is a balance between this and total slobbery, though: I want to still be able to see most of the floor, and I do put away some shoes and hang up some clothes. It's an organized mess, you know?

close-up of my lovely face to accompany the current piling of clothes on the green chair

love at first...listen

2011-02-03T01:34:00.000-05:00

It's a wonderful moment when I'm first listening to a song I haven't heard before (and even better when the artist is new to me too) and I find myself loving it within the first 30 seconds. Or maybe even the first 15. It lifts my mood, gives me joy, makes me excited. There are no questions involved - I know I've found something I'm going to enjoy over and over into the future. Sometimes it strikes me so perfectly that I listen several times in a row, day after day, and each time makes me equally happy.

not a blob

2011-01-30T22:37:00.000-05:00

me:
lol i was a total blob today.
almost hated myself for it but
had a headache, and super tired
oh well

David:
u and blob are two words i cant associate
lol

---

good to know I don't give off a blob vibe. :)

we just relate as people

2011-01-28T01:37:00.001-05:00

you know what is funny in the dance world?
age seems to melt away (mostly).
and most of us are in a similar range but.
i just don't even think about it
like suddenly i passed this line
left college
and people aren't confined to ages by their year in college
people are just people
like, i have adult friends now and we just relate as people.

(--chat conversation with David)

Sometimes I express things best when I'm not trying to write about them.

Oh code.

2011-01-18T14:30:00.000-05:00

Today at work I was digging through another issue thread (this one maybe?) for a Drupal module and realized: code is great cuz it does all kinds of things for us, way faster than we can manually, and usually hides all the details so that things just work magically on the surface. But the funny part is, people write code. We are still smarter than programs, so we have to conceptualize the logic, and then hand over the execution of the process. We screw up sometimes, or don't think of things, and then one error could end up creating all sorts of odds-and-ends issues that have no apparent relation to it, at first...

But I still love figuring out how to make code do what I want.

New best song ever

2011-01-07T00:15:00.001-05:00

7-ish clicks through suggested videos, starting from a Zero 7 song a friend posted on Twitter, I found this.

The video makes me happy too.

I actually like a youtube comment

2010-12-25T21:59:00.000-05:00

"Well, Not Exactly, but next time he's Alone With You, he'll give you the Satisfaction of explaining everything." Sounds kinda hot.

(It's not a bad song either, by the way.)

on being home for the holidays

2010-12-24T14:20:00.001-05:00

Since moving to Philadelphia "for real" (I guess), I've been experiencing the transitional issue of wondering what the word "home" means. Does that now by default refer to my room in the apartment I share in Philly? Does it matter that I will only be living in that specific apartment for another five months? It's automatic to fall back to the college student's mindset - referring to my parents' house as "home", and then, remembering that in all technicality it is no longer my primary place of residence, tacking on "in New Jersey". And thus I'll say to people, "I'm going home to New Jersey".

Linguistic specificity aside, it feels pretty much like home right now. Last night I went to our local Barnes & Noble with my mom to finish off the Christmas shopping list. Once back home, my dad distributed glasses of eggnog with brandy (fantastically delicious - makes me want to get into brandy more) and we delved into unwrapping the ornaments. My mom has a tradition of seeking out an ornament of a new material each year, one for each of my brothers and I, to add to the collections to eventually give to us. Each year I hang the golden snowflake, the sheep decorated with buttons, the pumpkin-seed poinsettia, the cork reindeer, the flat felt snowman, and so on... along with a variety of ornaments handcrafted by yours truly from preschool, elementary school, and craft projects with my mom.

This morning, after extracting myself from the blankets atop the air-mattress bed that now lives in my bedroom with surprisingly less difficulty than one might expect, we had a nice breakfast with our whole family. A mug of Earl Grey tea accompanied mine; I'm still hoping it will mostly take care of my daily caffeine quota (normally fulfilled by coffee).

I've been lounging on the living room couch ever since, still in pajamas and wrapped in a fleece blanket. The couch is awash with (occasionally blinding) sunlight. The warmth and comfort is precious right now - enough that I've kept on delaying getting dressed and wrapping gifts for the past few hours.

Breaking the narrow-mindedness

2010-12-20T02:51:00.000-05:00

It's been awhile, from my perspective, since I was in a relationship - two years or so now. Though I still think plenty about interpersonal relationships, and most likely worry too much about how my actions come across to others, I have for quite some time now written off trying to understand relationships. Not being in the midst of the work of maintaining one myself, I've been feeling for some time that whatever knowledge I thought I had collected has been slowly draining out of me. Whilst my few theories on the subject continue to be chipped away over time, I grow to feel more clueless about how to "meet someone", transition into a relationship, and maintain one. Without possibilities presenting themselves on my horizon, I've been relegating myself to wondering at how friends around me make relationships work. As for myself, I mostly continue to rather passively hope that things will eventually fall into place with someone by way of beautiful happenstance.

One theory of mine in particular, developed early on in my forays into thinking about relationships, grew mainly from an experience of my own which I still hold as very special. I decided that the most logical and successful way a relationship could happen was to transition from best friends. It made all the sense in the world to me: you are already perfectly comfortable communicating, you get along well, you enjoy each other's company and seek out spending time together. I guess I figured that all you needed was a spark of attraction to push things past the platonic realm, and then you were all set because the rest of it was already in place.

I held pretty steadfastly to this theory for a number of years. It received its major crack in the same way I first came up with it - through my own experience. Though I no longer believe in it like a guarantee, I still think it's possible. I simply learned that it also might totally not work at all. And I am glad to have the experience and luckily came out of it for the better.

Another theory: I have long assumed that getting into a relationship only makes sense if you have taken a pretty good deal of time to familiarize with each other. This one is based partially on precaution: my fear is not taking enough time to discover a person's major characteristics, and then stumbling onto something serious enough to potentially drive a new relationship apart. It also has to do with my being terribly indecisive, and being afraid to start something because I'm still not sure if I like the person enough yet. (At least, that's typically what I'd argue to myself which leads me to stall for more time to decide.)

In the past couple of days, I have begun to think about some of these ideas differently. Perhaps things can develop between people outside of these scenarios I've had outlined in my head for so long, and still be real. Maybe I don't have to know someone long enough to think I've figured them all out before deciding I like them. Perhaps a great deal of the joy of a relationship is learning the pieces of someone's personality over many interactions and experiences.

So I think, now, I am closer to letting go of my indecisiveness and being more willing to try letting things happen with someone without knowing ahead of time that everything "should" work out.

Quick list of thanks

2010-11-26T02:17:00.000-05:00

My swing buddies (Sloan, Ellis, and Robert). And of course, our lovely friend and Rum Bar bartender, Zack. Those blues dances that are completely magic. Coffee. My new friend at work, Stephan. The unbelievably wonderful west coast swing community. Going to Baltimore Fall Blues Summit. Being able to go home to my family pretty much whenever. Working at a company full of truly wonderful people. Having my weekly dances to always look forward to. Adding to my fledgling circle of swing dancer friends. Wawa. Seeing people with dogs on the sidewalk. My favorite cafés to hang out in. Jimmy John's deliciousness. Sleeping in on Saturday. Discovering new beers I like. Keeping in touch with David. Discovering fusion dancing. Meeting people from out of town who want to get to know me more. Having a bit of "me time" in the morning bus ride. Boots. That I found a place to live in Philly with near-zero stress. That I got a job to start right after I graduated. A comfortable bed. Visiting my brother at his college down in South Carolina. Learning PHP and Drupal. NK happy hours. Music, in so many kinds and ways.

Being so happy, and often - sometimes I can't completely take it in.

George Michael

2010-11-23T01:48:00.000-05:00

Back in high school, I used to listen all the time to a smooth jazz radio station, CD101.9. The station has since been reformatted to a rock station (figures) which was pretty sad to hear. (See the section about halfway down the page.) That station got me through so much of my high school homework and falling asleep at night and I knew nearly every song that was played on it. Interestingly enough, Wikipedia just informed me that it's sort of revived in an "HD2" format, whatever that means. And there is an online broadcast of it, on this random Boomer Radio site.

I don't know why, but the song Careless Whisper came to mind tonight. I've heard it many times on that radio station, but looked up the music video for the first time just now.

I didn't even know that George Michael is his name, but this guy was totally not how I pictured him when hearing the song. What a strikingly beautiful man. Beautiful voice too... And given the recent explosion of dance experience in my life, I like that he holds a dance with someone he loves as this special in the song.

Danced 6 nights in a row

2010-11-07T14:00:00.002-05:00

I have to say that having a night of dancing to look forward to most nights of the week is an excellent life morale booster. It's a fulfilling answer to the question of "what will I do tonight?" - so much better than always going home to likely nothing more than being lazy and poking around on the Internet for several hours. And it is a guarantee of having people to interact with (literally, given that these are partner dances); while I do talk online often, I really think it is a critical necessity for mental/emotional health to see and interact with other people. (I think of how miserable it was during some final exams periods -- after sleeping late, I'd wake up and panic about how much study time I had lost due to said sleeping-in and thus immediately dive into studying, and hours later I had to escape and actually speak with someone.) Eventually, if you keep showing up at the same dances on a weekly basis, people will recognize you and you'll start chatting in between dancing. And the dance communities, I'm finding, are full of wonderful people.

On that note, here was my awesome week of dancing (not that every week isn't also awesome! haha):

Monday, as always: Powerhouse Blues. All blues. So much love.

Tuesday, as always: LaB. Lindy and blues; the swing dance I've been going to longest.

Wednesday: Westie Wednesday. West coast swing night at the Atrium. I might just have to add this to my for-sure weekly schedule. :)

Thursday: Jetlag. Night of DJ'd remixed world music at L'Etage. I guess this is fusion dancing? SO much fun. I will be making every effort to attend this every month.

Friday: West coast swing dance held at Master Jay's studio in Center City. Not much space there and a pole-dancing pole fell over mid-dance, but it was a fun little night.

Saturday: Baltimore Fall Blues Summit. Thanks to Ben (my carpool driver), I got to go dance blues all night long with some truly fantastic leads. What a wonderful wonderful night. It was the night of the switch over to normal time so we had an extra hour, though maybe it didn't matter because by a certain time almost everyone was tired. We got back at...7am new time? (My photos are up on Facebook!)

What I wonder about really good social dancers

2010-10-25T02:16:00.001-04:00

During my recent obsession with blues dancing, I've had the incredible good fortune of experiencing several truly breathtaking dances with a few different leads. These dances stand out in my mind and stay in my memory because of the amazing connection with the lead and the music, and the emotional intensity thereof. These are truly special to me and I want to hold onto them (while of course hoping for more).

But... I've been wondering. Are these leads just that good, that every dance feels like that for them? (If that's the case, and it was me, I'd be living on a cloud...) I like to think that every single dance is different. It's a different combination of two partners, a song, and a moment in time. When all of those come together right, you have something beautiful.

So, much as I'm sure these particular leads are leaving follows breathless in droves, I just hope that they might feel some of what I feel and appreciate so deeply when I dance with them.

Life status - Oct. 14, 2010

2010-10-14T00:57:00.000-04:00

At work, most projects we have end up having a weekly status meeting on the calendar, to update everyone involved on where things stand. Well, I've been living here 4 months and change now, so I thought I might collect a few conclusions and realizations so far.

The Septa buses aren't always on schedule. But sometimes they are, so don't be late, or I'm gonna miss it by 30 seconds. I've done this more times than I can count.
Try to do laundry more often than once every several weeks. Otherwise I end up with three loads' worth to do when I'm running out of clothes to wear.
No matter how tired I am on the night of a social dance, I should go to it anyway, because I don't think I have ever regretted it afterwards.
The plain coffee at independent cafés is usually really good. This does not in any way negate that Starbucks and Wawa coffee is also really good.
Talk to people for a minute or two once in awhile at work - non-work subjects are preferable. It might be the most welcome interruption of the day.
Meet new people. Especially social dancers.
Buying coffee, breakfast, and the like on a daily basis adds up far faster than I like to think about.
Visit family once in awhile for a change of pace.
People don't often respond to really long emails at work. (Not sure if they read them, at least.)
Happy hour is a good thing.
Walking feels better when I'm not rushing, so don't rush if I don't have to.
Not having to work outside of work is probably the best thing ever.
Sandwiches for dinner get boring fast.

One block

2010-09-29T23:37:00.000-04:00

It's another beautiful night out -- a hammock night, though I don't have anyone with whom to share that, nor do I have easy access to a hammock (and so I let that thought go quickly after it arose). No matter, however, as the undeniable comfort of the café is shortly ahead, unhealthy muffin satisfaction included.

The block from 41st to 40th is extra long. This is a slightly frustrating reality as far as reaching the bus in the mornings goes, but it doesn't bother me so much now. I walk amiably, passing the familiar elements along with the ones that never attract my attention much.

There's a place that I am pretty certain used to be a movie rental store, but now its focus appears to be comic books and the like. It's tinged now with the time I looked for it with Mike.

The bowling alley, Strikes, appears to be just a shell now. I was there once with Matt. They played nothing but Daft Punk remixes the whole time we were there (and I couldn't have been happier about that).

Some little road, the name of which I've never bothered to find out, cuts the block halfway. If I head down it, there's a parking lot with designated Philly Car Share spaces. So I think of Steve, and the night he took me and David for a spontaneous random drive in and around the city. It's just one of many reasons Steve is awesome.

Last, past a building I've never identified, is Saxbys. It didn't hold much for me until this summer because Starbucks was my spot at Penn, but by now it's one of my regular cafés. Occasionally I think of meeting Geoffroy or working on Flash with Ted here, as those were amongst my first times spent here.

Life is good.

characteristic #4

2010-09-24T01:08:00.000-04:00

Cereal is one of my favorite things to eat. I enjoy it at any time of the day or night.

Favorite cereals: Frosted Mini Wheats, granola, Cracklin' Oat Bran, Quaker Oatmeal Squares, Honey Bunches of Oats, ...

(image credit)

Map of Philly bars I have frequented

2010-09-19T18:55:00.000-04:00

Because I think making infographics out of life data is cool, I have created a Google map to mark all the bars at which I've had a drink at least once. I wish there was a bit more I could do with the map than just save a list of locations (attach dates to each place, categorize the reasons I was there, etc...) but it's an interesting start.

View Philly bars...so far! in a larger map

Life threads

2010-09-18T02:57:00.000-04:00

Sometimes I have a meta moment and try to think about the way people's lives intertwine. I tend to visualize this like a line graph. Each person's life is a horizontal thread running forward in time; when people meet, their threads touch; if they spend a portion of life together, their threads stay entwined; when they part, so do their threads. ...that was probably too many semi-colons in one sentence.

Tonight I've been reading a few friends' blogs, and I'm reminded of how interesting and talented these people are. And then I think, I am lucky to be able to consider them friends. This brings me again to marveling at the circumstances that bring me to meet people. Many can be classified simply under "went to school together", etc., but sometimes an interesting sequence of connections had to occur, and if it hadn't, whatever part of my life I've experienced with that person would not have existed.

And so I am glad:

that my first-grade best friend's ex-girlfriend went to Penn too

that my mom happened to Google the right phrase when looking for a summer internship for me

that I went one night to a friend's dorm lounge to play DDR

that, for my minor, I signed up for a class otherwise completely full of music majors

that I left my seat for five minutes while at New Deck during Feb Club

that I asked a friend to wait for me to walk over to a party

that I got lost during one of the engineering school orientation tours

that I saw a particular poster for a performance in my dorm hallway, even though I never made it to the show

that I signed up to live on the music residential program floor for freshman year

that a friend of a friend took a bus to Philly

that I went to a lindy crash course

30th street station

2010-09-01T02:41:00.000-04:00

Three years or so back, when the morning was still too early, a sleepy girl followed her boyfriend up to the train platform to wait. The city and all it has was still new and scary, and she needed someone with her. Of course, then she didn't really need to pay attention.

Much later, the station became a test. It was one more step in figuring out independence: to find one's way home. But it's not so bad, really. Read the signs and watch the times. It'll even tell you... "The scheduled - 7: - 42 - R7 - to Trenton - next to arrive - on track 3."

This turns to second nature, easily. The emotion shifts to comfort. When you know you're going home, everything is going to be okay. There's no worry of being alone, no want of surrounding and immediate love, no need for the concerns of taking care of yourself. So you step on board and leave to soak in that world for a couple of days. When you come back, it's: here's my city, baby. And the routine is ahead, like always.

There's a spot outside where I stood, holding, holding onto, one whom I had no idea of when I'd next see. The seconds I had were not enough time to learn the process of parting. So I decided quickly that maybe I didn't have to.

There's a bench, the first one you reach in the Amtrak waiting area, where we sat together. Everything I had inside begged for this moment not to be the last. So I stayed close while I could, said what was right, and waited.

There's an Auntie Anne's inside, along my walk to the corner doors. That's where he said I shouldn't let him stop, and I didn't completely pay attention, because I was a little weak with the happiness. It would be short, but it would be.

It was: everything.

characteristic #3

2010-08-22T22:07:00.000-04:00

I have a thing for goatees. I think I'm the only girl I know who does. But really, it's true.

Anberlin: Retrace

2010-08-20T18:17:00.001-04:00

Oh, how I've tried
To get you out of my head
And I lie with broken words I said
Never thought I'd walk on this street again
Standing where it all began

Tried to forget
When I left this town
Well it takes me right back
When I come back around

Retrace the steps we took on that long summer night
I'm back there by your side
Retrace the steps we took when we met worlds away
Counting backwards while the stars are falling

Oh now I find,
Every subtle thing screams your name
It reminds me of places and times we've shared
Couldn't live locked in these memories
Now I'm chained to my thoughts again

And I tried to forget
When I left this town
But I'll take you right back
If you come back around

Retrace the steps we took on that long summer night
I'm back there by your side
Retrace the steps we took when we met worlds away
Counting backwards while the stars are falling

I need some shelter
I need some safety
Photographs they
Haunt me lately
Chasing shadows
As the evening takes me
I'm still searching but the picture's fading

Retrace the steps we took on that long summer night
I'm back there by your side
Retrace the steps we took when we met worlds away
Counting backwards
Still counting backwards

And nowhere else has ever felt like home
And I can’t fall asleep
When I’m lying here alone
I replay your voice
It's like you're here
You move the earth
But now the sky is falling

Retrace the steps we took on that long summer night
In my mind I'm back by your side
Retrace the steps we took when we met worlds away
Counting backwards while the stars are falling

(lyrics credit)

characteristic #2

2010-08-18T01:24:00.000-04:00

2. Sometimes typing feels good: when you're flying through the keystrokes rather than stumbling on them and backspacing. I notice this more often on laptops but also on my desktop keyboard at work.

characteristic #1

2010-08-16T22:54:00.001-04:00

I have this staunch belief that I can formulate in the minds of others an all-around ad-hoc idea of who I am if I simply give out little pieces of information. I am also interested in listing these pieces as they come to mind, over some length of time, and then seeing if put together they feel like me.

So here's the first one.

1. When people type the smiley 'XD', I pronounce it every time in my head as the two letters, one after the other: "x - d". I've been reading it this way forever and kind of can't help it now. Nonetheless, I find it cute.

One thing I miss about being a student

2010-08-16T01:19:00.000-04:00

is the freedom to wear whatever I feel like on every day of the week. I was hanging up a sweatshirt just now and feeling a little bittersweet for the many days I'd just put on a sweatshirt and not care any further. My environment at work is quite relaxed in terms of appropriate apparel, and furthermore I'm a developer (which -- recalling Dow Jones -- apparently gives you license to dress a notch or two more casually), but I don't think even that role would excuse my showing up on a random Thursday in my baggy guys' Penn sweatpants and bright orange Clemson sweatshirt over a t-shirt.

Meh.

Possibly the most comfortable pair of pants I own.

(image credit)

Eva Cassidy: Ain't No Sunshine

2010-08-15T02:24:00.001-04:00

Ain't no sunshine when he's gone
It's not warm when he's away
Ain't no sunshine when he's gone
And he's always gone too long
Anytime he goes away

I wonder, this time where he's gone
Wonder, how long he's gone to stay
Ain't no sunshine when he's gone
And this house just ain't no home
Anytime he goes away.

And I know, I know, I know, I know
I know, I know, I know, I know
I know, I know, I know, I know

I know when he's gone
Always gone too long
Anytime he goes away
Anytime he goes away
Anytime he goes mmm

(lyrics credit)

Now that I'm in Philly "for real",

2010-08-14T18:27:00.001-04:00

I've kinda been making a mental list of things to do. And since this stage of life I've now reached currently has no real defined end, I essentially have all the time in the world to get around to these.

explore local cafés - up to about 4 so far

bike around the city - done so a few times (to LaB once too!)

find more Latin and swing dancing nights

get on random buses to go check out parts of the city I haven't been around

go to Chris's sometimes

try out bars I haven't been to

bike the Schuylkill River trail

Weekend thanks

2010-08-09T22:13:00.000-04:00

to Liore, for being excited about going to Brasil's, so that I dragged my lazy self across the city and ended up having a lot of fun dancing.

to the blond-haired and super nice guy who I know from salsa parties at Take the Lead and whose name I always forget, who is a wonderful lead, for coming to me for a salsa dance.

to the soft-spoken guy at Brasil's who seemed interested in me in a way shy enough that it did not come across creepy at all.

to Lauren, for cooking french toast for brunch and chatting.

to Ted, for letting me borrow his tie, and for suggesting eating outside, because it was completely beautiful out.

to Adam and Gan, for - well, they know.

to Senthil, for being one of the sweetest people I know and buying me a drink.

to the 21 bus, for running at 1:45 in the morning.

to Café Clave for playing amazing music. I specifically noticed I was enjoying quite a number of songs.

to Mom, for being excited about my work on the database for her.

to Andrew and Simone, for listening to me being sad after reading some more of The Time Traveler's Wife.

The café addiction

2010-08-05T00:00:00.003-04:00

...I have it.

On any number of nights I am tempted strongly enough by the allure of the café to overcome my tendencies to bum the night away in my room and walk 2.7 blocks over to Saxbys. At Penn, I went to Starbucks often to sit and (theoretically) work, and enough times in the mornings before class that the employees knew me and asked how my summer was at the beginning of senior year. Any time I end up in a Starbucks, actually -- wherever it may be -- I feel a bit of a sense of being home. Now, in Philly, I've kind of made it a goal to seek out small independent street corner coffee shops and spend my Sunday afternoons in them.

The café atmosphere has some kind of mental effect on me. It has a peace and calm about it; makes me feel like things can't really go wrong. Stress is lessened somehow, cuz you've got a couple hours of a squishy armchair, warm lighting, relaxing music, and probably a hot drink that'll either prop you awake or take up too much of your daily allotment of calories. Or a muffin -- gosh, I have gotten bad about eating too many muffins. Those and scones. I probably consume one or the other of them on more days of the week than not.

Calories designated unimportant, I sit down with my muffin or my mocha and my laptop, whiling away the time alongside others in front of their own screens or books. We're in our own little worlds, but together in one world as well. And thus the time goes by.

Sometimes I picture my life filled by lazy days, writing and drinking coffee, staring out windows at the world and people-watching as customers flow in and out or join my habitat of the day for a few hours. And my butt will probably hurt often, and I'll still eat too many scones, and the guy at the counter will know my favorite drink. Maybe I'll get brave enough to wear pajama pants occasionally and really cuddle up in a corner for awhile. (Not sure how acceptable pajama pants are as attire worn in public after, like, high school. Perhaps if I'm a known regular at the place...)

Well, it's a dream, anyhow. Someday maybe.

Kaskade: Be Still

2010-07-31T16:30:00.015-04:00

It’s nice when the heart
The heart is beating faster
Feeling alive when there is wanting
Always the same
I jump too quickly
Be still my soul

It’s love so serious
The more we think
The less we know
It’s love mysterious
Holding tight
When we should let go

Now that this love
Has overcome me
Now that this fire
Is burning bright
All of these words
Seem just beyond my reasoning

Be still my soul

It’s love so serious
The more we think
The less we know
It’s love mysterious
Holding tight
When we should let go

Be still my soul
Just let it go

(lyrics credit)

Solution to my cooking inability

2010-07-30T19:45:00.000-04:00

My mom - who is a wonderful, experienced, and health-conscious cook - really wants me to learn to cook. She has given me a recipe book, has photocopied and hand-copied recipes for me, and is always willing to be my cooking consultant by phone. She is as encouraging as possible.

I, naturally, am the problem. I seem to be completely clueless about even the most basic things. (Recently, I managed to screw up pasta. The water kept bubbling way too much, threatening to spill over the edges of the pot. I assume that between the amount of water, the amount of pasta, and the size of the pot, something was wrong.) Other issues -- like my inability to find ingredients in the grocery store -- aside, my main mental block is how overwhelming it seems to even try to get started. There are countless bits of know-how that the recipes don't spell out for you; I don't know where along the way you are supposed to pick these up.

So here I am, abilities ranging from pouring batter (from just-add-water pancake mix, obviously) into a waffle iron to boiling water in a teapot. And probably, making tea doesn't really count anyhow. While constructing my sandwich and cutting my apple for dinner tonight, I suddenly came upon the solution. Actually I stole it from the book I'm reading at the moment, by realizing it could work out quite well for me. All I have to do is marry a guy who (a) likes cooking, and (b) is good at it. I could even get by with just (a), since then he'd probably become (b) automatically over time.

Of course, this is a solution only applicable to the future. And the unforeseeable future, at that.

Things taken for granted

2010-07-27T01:46:00.000-04:00

I've noticed of late how ridiculously fast one's mind can switch from utter annoyance, suffering, or whatever other negative state may apply due to something's absence, to barely realizing that thing is there.

Let's see.

I rarely get sick, but when my nose is 75% clogged, I can hardly focus on anything but trying to breathe clearly.
The other morning I went to work with -- well, seriously not enough sleep. I had forgotten just how terrible it is when it's a constant physical fight to stay awake.
I had never lived without air conditioning until this summer. Then I endured a few weeks of 100-degree-ish weather, complete with humidity. I was sitting in my room sweating on every surface of skin that was in contact with something. Now I have a window a/c unit and am entirely spoiled by a remote control for it. I guess I do still occasionally stop to realize that it's a million times more livable now that I have it, but usually I don't have much of a second thought.
The Internet. ... holy crap. I've never been unable to access the Internet at my place of residence for this long of a period of time until this past week. It is truly frustrating to realize you cannot manage your email, get the weather, find something on a map, look up random information, listen obsessively to songs on YouTube, sit around logged on to three chat services, blah blah blah. Such things only begin to feel essential to daily life when you can't get to them on demand. But, here I am, writing a blog post, because the minute I've got it back, I spend all night on the Internet just like every other day before it wasn't there.
People. If something goes wrong in a relationship, one day it's beautiful and then it's cracked. And you want to try everything you can think of to fix it, as the many good times flash by mentally and threaten to become bittersweet. ...That's one part of why I worry so much.

In all reality I'll probably never spend much time specifically appreciating the Internet. But I like to think that I try to take care of my relationships. I still need to do better, of course. They're quite near the top of the list of most important life elements.

Personality evolution?

2010-07-07T02:13:00.001-04:00

An interesting exchange occurred tonight with my friend. He mentioned that he would guess I might not get along naturally with some of his other friends, because we have quite different personalities. I really wanted to know why, and he explained that they are more reserved, not so outgoing and interested in partying as me.

This was pretty amazing to hear, because for basically forever, I was much more like he described his friends than the way he described me. Apparently, ever since I met him, I've portrayed a personality much unlike my old(?) characteristics of many years of my life.

I should probably take into account, though, that I nearly always meet him in a dance setting. Such is cue for my general happy behavior, since, well, social dancing is kind of the best thing ever.

Today, I:

2010-07-02T01:42:00.002-04:00

managed to miss two buses within about two minutes.

spilled my coffee a bit at Starbucks (ironically as I was trying to put the lid back on). The guy next to me at the side counter was concerned that I burned my hand and helped me clean it up.

determined that, if left to itself, my hair has a slight natural wave.

continued the last few days' trend of starting to feel like I'm contributing at work.

made waffles for dinner, didn't allow any of the batter to spill out of the iron, and convinced myself it wasn't so bad (as in unhealthy) because I sliced up a banana to eat with them.

looked up "my" beach on the map to show someone where it was, and immediately really missed it and am now quite excited to be going this weekend.

View Larger Map

observed another zillion-legged bug infiltrating my room. Tried to get it with my flip flop, but its location did not facilitate that, and it escaped, probably somewhere into the heating unit.

realized I can tell when the washing machine is running, because I believe my room is immediately above it. (The basement still sketches me out.)

noted the beautiful night air -- perfect for spending time on a hammock...

(maybe with someone...even better)

Biked into Center City today

2010-06-27T21:20:00.000-04:00

I was so excited to bring my bike with me to Philly, but this feeling was dampened the other day when I finally tried to look up where the bike lanes are. I came across a site where users could contribute location markers to a map to mark, for the most part, bad spots related to biking -- accident occurrences, nasty run-ins with drivers, intersections where cars tend to ignore you, and so on. I was certainly scared off for a bit, but after gathering a bit more info (Google maps has an option to turn on a layer marking bike lanes, paths, and bike-friendly streets), I decided there was no other way to get started except to try it.

So while there was still enough light out this evening, I rode to Rittenhouse Square. Taking Spruce and then Chestnut over the river provided bike lanes most of the way until about 22nd Street. From there I moved onto the sidewalk. Don't know if that's the appropriate thing to do (people on foot have the right of way, right?), but there seemed to be no space on the streets and I didn't want to be in the main car lane.

At the park I stopped to rest on a bench with no real plan of anything to do besides drink some water. But soon a homeless(-looking) man shuffled over to my bench and sat on the far end. He was muttering, and I couldn't really make out if he was saying anything sensible. I kept thinking of that movie, with the homeless guy who's actually a fantastic musician... So this guy had an old plastic drink container and I figured out he wanted some of my water. I didn't know what else to do so I poured a bit in. After that he headed off.

My unexpected encounters for the night were not over, though. A guy came up to me -- I'd guess around my age -- and said hi, and then something like, "I have to tell you, you're really beautiful." I was rather taken aback, and also wondered why he was so impressed when my hair was tied back and probably messy from biking, and certainly I wasn't dressed in anything special. Either way, he introduced himself, and then we had at least a half hour conversation on the bench there. He told me about Philly and how he loves skateboarding and biking and some mechanical stuff about cars that I didn't understand. At least he was pretty nice, and friendly, and didn't do anything sketchy. Eventually I said I was going to head home, and (again with some sidewalks though...) made it home before it was totally dark.

It was nice when I got back, because I felt like I accomplished something. I figured out where some bike lanes were, made it to Center City and back. And the sweat kind of felt good this time, since I accumulated it while actually doing some physical activity more than walking a couple of blocks. So I decided I earned it.

...Seems like life in the city could be interesting.

Marriage

2010-06-26T03:28:00.002-04:00

So um, I stumbled on an album of photos on Facebook tonight, and eventually figured out that they are wedding photos. This particular Facebook friend is actually more than someone I met just once (got a number of those on there, though); we knew each other by way of a common activity, but it only lasted a couple months.

The part that gets me is, he's 19. If he's followed the normal educational trajectory since I met him, he has just finished his freshman year of college.

Now, I haven't seen or communicated with him in years, and I am sure this was not a decision made lightly. And I hope the best for them.

I guess what's more pertinent is that this has served as a reminder for me. It's been awhile since I was in a relationship that was any sort of time-hardy, and about the same amount of time since I've tried to understand love and relationships. Along the way I've had one or two theories of mine broken, and now I've fallen into something of a stagnant mind-fog about it all. I look around at couples and wonder, what makes people mutually attracted to being in a relationship? What makes them stick together over a long[er] period of time? What the heck is love after all? (Maybe I should do some research on my friends who might apparently have some knowledge on this.)

I am doing okay without them, but still, I'm starting to miss the things of a relationship; having the go-to person for sharing mundane bits of life, for comfort, for laughter, for cuddling, and so on. Perhaps a bigger fear is my feeling rather powerless to find someone. One of my theories that I think is still standing is that it works best if "love" (if I dare use the strong word) comes upon you without your effort (and without your realization for awhile). I know you can't force things, because I've tried. And I always have a mental hesitation about actively searching for someone because it feels kind of fake, like you're going to make the person like you and yourself to like them, which just falls back to the category of forcing things. So this leaves me waiting for it to just happen to me. And I still have time, but... it can make me nervous. I don't want to entertain the possibility of living alone for the rest of my entire life.

I'm in love with blues dancing

2010-06-22T23:20:00.001-04:00

Given the way I jumped headfirst into dancing blues and still have nearly zero lesson experience, I probably do not possess the legitimacy to speak about it thus. I probably still frustrate the good leads with whom I am lucky enough to dance.

Disclaimer done.

Blues dancing is just about the most wonderful experience in the world -- yeah, I'm in love right now. The unfamiliar observer might deem it incomprehensibly inappropriate: picture two people whose relationship could fall anywhere from couple to complete strangers, dancing in a close embrace... But that's it. Five minutes of escape to a separate world, just you and that person, surroundings ceasing to matter. You rock, sway, and swing in slow, fluid motions. The pauses and the subtlest movements enmeshed with the music are moments of near-breathless, perfect tension.

At its best: it is rapture, a taste of heaven or maybe of being in love. I practically cannot dance it without eyes closed.

...This description is either a pretty good one, or will sufficiently creep out whoever reads it to the point they'd never want to dance blues with me. Heh.

- "Ghost"

2010-05-24T01:52:00.000-04:00

Lately I've been thinking
Lately I've been dreaming with you

(Howie Day)

Writing and I,

2010-05-24T01:16:00.000-04:00

our relationship is a twist of struggle and joy. Sometimes I sit there like: I have got to get this thought out. But then several of them crowd my mind, and I don't even know where to start. Furthermore, I start worrying about how the post-to-be will portray my personality (to the few that read it... thanks, guys). I want to write about some realization or thought about the way life works, but it can't be too deep because then it looks like I'm trying too hard. I want to write these summarizing lists to try to briefly somehow capture a whole bunch of good or important points in my life, but would such a list be of importance or interest only to myself? I feel like the answer is somewhere in the middle, but it's hard to pinpoint. What I dream of most is to somehow express who I am with a clarity that would not come through in some other mode of communication -- in interacting with everyone on a daily (or occasional) basis. I suppose the key to that is to wipe all these blocks clean off the mental table and to simply dive in, whatever the subject may be, and at whatever time it comes to mind. This would be akin to a stream of consciousness, although filtered and at (hopefully the more interesting) intervals. Of course, this digs at my tendency to worry... a characteristic I've harbored for a long, long time. Well, now is always the time to try to let go of that. I would probably be happier for it too.

Appearance

2010-05-23T03:26:00.000-04:00

It's kinda funny; I used to wear sweatshirts all winter, t-shirts often in the summer. Hair would be up, because I was always time-crunched enough as it was, fitting in the shower before class -- no time for blow-drying. I reveled in this style, or lack thereof, perhaps. It was easy, comfortable, and exuded laziness. (I'm not sure why I liked the laziness portrayal, actually...)

Don't get me wrong. I still love my sweatshirts. But somewhere around halfway through college, I realized I liked putting a little more time into appearance. You always feel better walking around during the day if you're in a good outfit and your hair came out nicely. Add the makeup for the night out, and you walk out of that door feeling a little bit like magic. Maybe you'll catch the eye of someone on whom yours has been...

I love the taste of all that. But we can't do it all the time. I mean, right now, my hair is up (sort of), with bangs pushed to both sides, carelessly enough that a few strands are criss-crossed in the middle. And I'm wearing the same shirt as yesterday (but shh, I don't think it really counts, considering I didn't get dressed til after 5pm yesterday...). I think of those 4am moments: after working hunched over at my computer for hours, I get up to get ready for bed (though I've barely enough energy to convince myself not to just collapse into it). I look in the mirror and think, holy crap, I look so horribly tired. The same thought usually applies when I have to wake up only several hours later, which is certainly not enough sleep...

If I dare make generalized statements, we're pretty appearance-conscious, yet I think we all have moments like that. The people we let in on our not-so-groomed selves -- they're kind of seeing us in an off-guard moment. It's a nice reaffirmation that looking good is good fun, but we've got our real selves underneath that, and we still like each other.

Maybe it's a girly dream, but I can't help picturing some future day when I've got this comfort level with a guy. Certainly not to say I think guys are that superficial, but, we all try so hard to look good for each other that it would be refreshing and freeing, I think, to know that someone likes you all the same when you look like crap.

Something like parachuting in to work

2010-05-13T12:53:00.000-04:00

Since I was standing in the shower this morning and suddenly remembered the odd dream I had last night, I thought I might post it. (I have weird dreams very often but I usually forget them really quickly.)

As dreams usually do, this one had familiar elements taken from my actual life but befitted with characteristics that were definitely not right. I guess I was working at DJ, and I had to get there on what seemed like my first day. (I changed my outfit and shoes a couple times; guess I was worrying about looking good...) For some reason Matt was driving me, which makes no sense in real life since we live in different directions from the location. The route didn't look familiar anyhow. But he was also driving several other interns or new hires, interestingly enough.

The best part is that when we were almost there, at this particular traffic light, it was apparently time to somehow take off into the air, straight from his car, by tying this string to our fingers -- the other end of which, I presume, was attached to a parachute or something similarly designed to get us airborne. While the others that were riding with us seemed to be taking off with no problem, I for some reason was having difficulty. Matt tried to help me, and I freaked out because he was driving, so I leaned back across him and grabbed the steering wheel and made sure we didn't get into an accident. But then we passed through the critical intersection, and it was too late for me to take flight. So Matt drove the rest of the way and we parked in this large scruffy parking lot. Then we headed inside, and I remember feeling like I kind of let him down. (Haha, I'm really glad DJ is not actually like this.)

After a good night...

2010-05-12T02:57:00.000-04:00

I often find myself lingering, cuz I've got some kind of nice outfit on and makeup and maybe earrings I like, and my hair looks good (or at least it did when I headed out, haha)... And I feel a bit sad to change into pajamas, go over to the sink and rub the makeup off. An old Hard Rock Cafe t-shirt and a pair of Calvin Klein pajama pants (not even plaid!) for which I somewhere have a matching top, probably stuffed at the bottom of a dresser drawer -- they just can't really compare. Though, I guess lazy and mismatched clothes imply a letting-go sense that is appropriate for heading to sleep.

I really love nights that kind of spontaneously turn out to be just really good. Sometimes I can hardly believe how happy I am, how lucky I am to have these friends and to be meeting new awesome people and having such fun. These moments make me believe life truly is good.

That 30-second epiphany that defines the clarinet player's life in the band

2010-04-06T02:25:00.000-04:00

So earlier today (it's still Monday in my head), we're playing Pinball Wizard at Penn Band rehearsal. Cool song, right? Well, I guess. At any rate the drum major decides to have only the clarinets and flutes play their part at the beginning of the song. The part is a rhythmic pattern of 8ths/16ths that repeats in each measure and I believe is meant to imitate the guitar strumming. (As a side note I'll say it took me til senior year to figure out the rhythm... or at least I think I've got it now.) The action proceeds as follows:

Clarinets/flutes: (begin playing the part, several measures go by)

Trumpet player: Wait, that's the part?!? ...... Wow, that's gross!

Major sigh. In the space of 30 seconds it was plainly illustrated how a) we sometimes get stuck with annoying, boring, or otherwise undesirable parts, but far worse, b) very often the rest of the band doesn't even have a clue what we're playing cuz they can't hear us at all. This was one of those moments when I'm not sure how much I really contribute to the band. Oh well.

Cuddle buddies...

2010-03-15T21:36:00.001-04:00

Last night I set my chat status to:

"i want a cuddle buddy "

Some friends responded like so...

friend: i want one too
friend: hehehe

my brother: i have a cuddle buddy [=
me: that puppy???
my brother: yuppp!
my brother: want to seeee?
me: adorableeee

friend: omg I want one tooo!!! lol

I maintain that simple touch is an often forgotten joy.

When I was little

2010-03-08T02:46:00.000-05:00

I thought crutches were cool. I sort of hoped I would break an ankle so I could walk around using them. I even built a pair out of Pipeworks and tried them out in the front yard.

My brothers and I collected Matchbox/Hot Wheels cars. Each one received a name--some as creative as "Box Truck" and "O. Race" (short for "Orange Race"). Some of them were grouped into "gangs", which were simply groups with a leader and a precise order in which they drove around together in a single-file line formation. I drew by hand a large "mat" which included a whole neighborhood with homes, i.e. garages, for each vehicle, as well as destinations like stores with parking lots to which they could travel in groups. Sometimes in the nicer weather we'd draw maps outside on the driveway with chalk and bring all the cars out there.

My parents had a friend from whom we bought (or maybe just received second-hand) an old foosball table. Rather than a sturdy frame like today's tables, this one had aluminum(?) legs and the playing area board sagged towards one side. The provided ball was too large to fit through into the goals, so we substituted bouncy balls. My brother and I had crazy, crazy matches. The table would be skidding all over the floor. Most of the players were no longer fixed properly in place on the rods, and many would end up upside down or shoved into their neighbor amidst gameplay. (We paused after each goal was scored to realign them.) Oh, and we named the players...after the Matchbox cars.

A favorite warm-weather activity was to find a bucket and a paintbrush from the basement, fill the bucket with water, and "paint" the siding of the house.

My parents own a fairly small CD collection. Perhaps the two albums to which I most loved to listen and dance (around the living room) were Michael Jackson's Thriller and Miami Sound Machine's Primitive Love.

I loved dogs. I'd search the newspaper classified listings for dogs that were being given away for free. In fifth grade I did a project that used surveys, statistics compiled from my own readings of dog breed books, and database queries (help from Dad there) to output which dog matched you best. I had my favorite breeds: Labradors, golden retrievers, Dalmatians, beagles. My parents never did take on the responsibility of a dog in our family, but I did walk my neighbors' dog for awhile and--though she was about as lazy a dog as I've ever come across--I loved her too.

I read books all the time. I liked series... Sweet Valley Twins, Animorphs, The Chronicles of Narnia, the Amber Brown books. And there were plenty of other books, in series and not, which I'm sure I forget at the moment.

There's a giant maple tree in my front yard. It's beautiful. I used to climb it and sit in it often. I also found long sticks and collected them by storing them wedged between a split in the branches.

I was totally addicted to computer games. Various titles enjoyed overlapping phases of different lengths in the limelight of interest. Some of my favorites (most played) were: Chex Quest, Roller Coaster Tycoon, Hot Wheels Stunt Track Driver, and KidPix. Others included Tonka Construction, Midnight Rescue, Crayola Art Studio, and a variety of Sim games from City to Copter to Farm. These were of the Windows 95/98 era. On Windows 3.1 I played lots of Tetris and a text-only game, all based on wordplay, known as Nord and Bert Couldn't Make Head or Tail of It. Before the Internet began to swallow all of my computer time, these games were what I would do with it.

In eighth grade I watched Pokémon on TV after school. I've never watched TV much, but this is one show I was pretty faithful about following. I also played the Pokémon board game with my brothers; we'd stretch a single game out across days of playing time so we could build up our arsenals of Pokémon.

I never ever drank coffee. Somehow I thought even the decaf my parents drink would get you addicted, and always warned my brothers of this.

In the park down the road from my house, my town puts on a fireworks display every July 4th. For many of those years I believed they shot off fireworks by pounding a packet of powder with a huge hammer. Hence the "boom" sound was created--logical enough, right?

I built awesome things with Legos and K'Nex. Some of them didn't come from the instruction books!

My family belonged to a couple of pool clubs over some years. The one where we spent most summers was the Holmdel Swim and Tennis Center. There was the "big pool" and the "medium pool", a baby pool, and a diving tank. I was always very slow getting into the cold water, a problem I've carried into my beach days now, of course. But I loved swimming, playing with my brothers, and making those perfect pencil dives to touch the bottom of the 13-foot-deep diving tank.

I sold Girl Scout cookies to my neighbors. Since I showed up every year they all knew the deal already. My mom always accompanied me on the walks. For delivery we'd pile the boxes into the red wagon and pull it around with us.

An odd combination of toy sets my brothers and I used to make was "farm and construction". We had a barn house with various appropriate animals and a farmer and family, and a set of construction vehicles and guys in hard hats. I would make up a storyline as we went and these two sets would interact.

Another strange amusement we came up with was that which we code-named "Suman Huitcase". This was simply a swapping of first letters to refer to "Human Suitcase". It involved putting one of us in the largest family suitcase, zipping it up, and moving the encased person to someplace else in the basement, whereupon they were to guess their new location. Yes, this was a slightly nervewracking experience, but I guess we trusted each other enough.

We used to eat these couple of cereals I really loved--Cracklin' Oat Bran and Just Right--until Mom stopped buying them because she deemed them not healthy enough.

But I cannot forget, refuse to regret

2010-02-28T02:28:00.001-05:00

I walk home slowly. It's nice, since 99 percent of the time I'm speed walking to my next commitment and will probably be late anyway. Since I remembered finally to charge my iPod, I select the songs for the walk: Human Nature, by Michael Jackson, and She Says, by Howie Day. I need something soothing for my thoughts.

Or maybe they're just ridiculous. I take the elevator up and I know I'm dead tired, but I don't want to change into pajamas (which are way more comfortable) nor smear off the makeup yet. I'd rather entertain in my imagination that the night's continuing. I'm laughing, then lifting my eyes to meet those of that person I want to be hanging out with.

But... I'm not even sure all the time who that person is.

Much as I do like to ignore it, I think I'm sensing the reality of the pointless situation moreso now. Maybe that means I'm dealing with it a little bit.

I think I'm looking for distractions too, though. I try to spend my time with various friends, and enjoying that time keeps me from dealing with my thoughts when I'm alone. And as I run around to all sorts of fun things, I look for whom upon to place my "that person" attention. So give me the superficial, the new random crushes, the boy of the night with whom I know nothing will happen anyhow. Am I just giddy, high on this shallow feeling and the taste of the game played by two?

At the end of the night, no matter how late I've stayed out, I'm coming home to cuddle with my pillow as I lie there and run the day's situations through my head. Fun is great, really. I am appreciating it. But what I'm missing, I think, is something more real and more fundamental. It's got the meaning to make it last through time. Or so I suppose, or assume, or whatever. I don't really know if I even understand. But I'm feeling the lack of something like this, and so I'm hoping for the twists of life paths that will bring it into mine. Sometime soon, perhaps.

(title: "The Sun" - Maroon 5)

from Facebook chat

2010-02-14T18:54:00.000-05:00

In regards to doppelganger week on Facebook:

me: hiii

friend: hey hows it going piper parabo

me: hahahah
me: yeah what do you think bout that..accurate?

friend: haha brian saw your picture and was sooo confused ... hes like did tory's personality change in the last few months? I'm like why. Hes like have you seen her facebook picture? And i started laughing because I had already seen it

me: HAHAHAHAHAHAHA

friend: it took me a second to realize it wasnt u when i first saw it

me: oooomg
me: well i guess it's not too bad of a match.

A piece of clarity

2010-02-14T02:07:00.000-05:00

friend: hrm
friend: i mean if you can't step forward
friend: you can stay where you are or move back
friend: no matter what in 3 months it's gone

me: that's a nice simple analysis... i like it

text message 3

2010-02-14T00:39:00.000-05:00

from: me
sent: Feb 4, 9:41am

Great little story I forgot to tell you. Yesterday I was sitting next to my rhythm partner before the lesson and I took off my sweatpants and he looks over and goes, "woah. was not expecting that." hahahaha it was great.

I like snow

2010-02-07T23:45:00.000-05:00

Everyone gets at least a little excited, I think, when a good amount of snow is in the forecast. (Well, perhaps not if you're traveling, but let's put that aside for a moment.) It kind of brings people together because we're all talking about it, like we do the Olympics and other somewhat universal events.

Snow teaches us to handle the unexpected. People are scrambling a bit, stocking groceries, checking and rearranging and canceling various plans. We make it work in the end, though.

It teaches us to go on anyway. As not everything grinds to a halt, we venture out bravely with our ski jackets, boots, and waterproof gloves. After tromping on through the accumulation and braving the wind and ice, we arrive at our destinations with a little extra satisfaction just from having made it.

Snow reminds us to play. I always enjoy seeing the way we become like kids in the snow. We can't resist that silly joy of throwing snowballs at our friends and tackling each other down. And I've seen a snowman or two and a crazy snow fort pop up on campus. (Hey, my brothers and I used to build igloos from the piles of snow shoveled off our driveway when we were kids.)

Snow gives us a whole new spectrum of opportunity for crazy edge-of-danger activities. I don't get out there enough to know this, but my brother has said that real snow makes for the best skiing/boarding slopes. So we throw caution to the wind just enough to thrill us and go flying down mountains. Maybe we come home with an extra bruise or two - but that's part of the fun.

It seems to me that the snow makes us a bit less self-conscious and a bit more accepting. We wear our puffy jackets; we put up our hoods. When we all finally tramp inside and sit down with some hot drinks to warm up, we strip off a few of the layers and the winter warmth accessories and just chat merrily, not minding anyone's messy hair or sweatshirts dampened by rogue mostly-melted snowballs. And our day becomes little bit brighter.

Text message 2

2010-02-02T15:56:00.000-05:00

sent: January 22, 3:23pm
from: me
to: David

"Damn why do there have to be so many cute jewish boys in this school?"

received: January 22, 3:30pm
from: David
to: me

"Transfer to notre dame"

"In Defense and Explanation of Twitter"

2010-01-21T18:00:00.000-05:00

I wrote the following for a new-grad program application, and thought I would post these thoughts...

Oh, Twitter. It is definitely one of the tech buzzwords of today. Visit a few blogs and company sites and you are bound to run across various designs of “follow me on Twitter!” buttons. Though I have zero formal training in marketing, it would make sense that many view Twitter as one of the latest-and-greatest web application bandwagons through which to expand one's audience. On the other hand, well-known personalities, especially celebrities, are likely to collect thousands upon thousands of followers—and could easily utilize the service to communicate with them directly and personally. (Such, I might add, is very exciting from the fan's end. I know this from personal experience!) Many also tout Twitter as a source for disseminating and reading breaking news before it can be posted or shared via other avenues.

To me, the experience of Twitter is a bit different. I began with what I would suppose is a typical non-Twitter-user's view: the question, “what is the point of it?”, followed by dismissively waving it off. I specifically remember once observing on a friend's laptop screen that he and several others were writing messages on Twitter back and forth to each other. My thought at the time was that I could not believe they were involved in such a silly waste of time. Somehow, though, my Digital-Media-Design-major's curiosity got the best of me. I found myself walking around with thoughts of approximately one hundred forty characters in length popping into my mind. After a couple of days this started driving me a little crazy, so I logged on and (with some disappointment) settled on the username I really wanted but preceded by an underscore. Oh well.

In the beginning of my Twitter days, of course, I did not really know what I was doing. I eagerly searched for and followed people I knew in “real life” and hoped that they followed me back. I fell prey to tweeting (with some repetitiveness) about what I was doing at the moment, if I was particularly loving it. As I think we tend to do—particularly these days via social networking applications—I put my thoughts out there in the hopes that others would find my online persona of at least mild interest or amusement and be thus inspired to follow me.

Along the timeline of my first few months getting really into Twitter, I began to change my approach. I sought out users who posted links to content I found relevant to my potential career path. I began to actually take up others on their Follow Friday recommendations instead of skipping over tweets filled with usernames. I followed people who were just plain fun, quirky, or made me smile. Perhaps most importantly, though, I realized that Twitter is most enjoyable after you transition from passively taking in others' information and thoughts as they stream in front of your eyes (and occasionally outputting your own) to interacting with others. It is probably easy to forget that behind the tweets is a real person typing them from their laptop or mobile phone. I discovered that if I started replying to what others were saying, many were often inclined to reply back and converse. For a long time I had been skeptical about talking with strangers in an online venue, but at least in the context of Twitter, my opinion has changed. Thanks to Twitter, I am able to connect with friendly people from anywhere in the world whom I doubt I would ever meet otherwise.

Let me end with probably my most personally exciting Twitter story. Thanks to a particular Twitter user whose posts and conversation I greatly enjoy, I connected with another Twitter user. She and I exchanged several messages and discovered common interests. I learned that she helps teach a course at Penn, occasionally flying to Philadelphia to be on campus. One of the times she was here, we happened to have a mutual free moment and met up. I found her thoroughly enjoyable and positive. If not for Twitter, we most likely would never have met. In the future, hopefully, we will be able to go rock climbing together!

A final note: yes, I agree, there is a lot of noise on Twitter. I see this whenever I search the trending topics. Therefore, the key is to find and follow the people who post valuable content, who are friendly and interesting and willing to interact. Is this not what we wish to do in “real life”, as well?

about me [15-26] ~ Useless Facts version

2010-01-05T17:21:00.001-05:00

I love earrings, especially long dangling ones, studs, and interesting ones. I have two piercings in each ear.
I have lots of sweatshirts and I love sweatpants.
I have lived in my little town in New Jersey for my whole life.
I have never once chewed gum, and have no plans to do so in the future.
I have a now-and-then obsession with categorizing things, like my Firefox bookmarks.
Bathing suit shopping is one of my favorite activities.
I always misuse the word "plug" by referring to outlets (in the wall) as plugs. However, everyone always seems to know what I'm talking about. :)
I highly enjoy spontaneous dance parties by myself in my room. Hey, some songs just need to be danced to! (several examples...)
I often eat Starbucks pastries as substitutes for breakfast or when I'm hungry but my meal schedule is all screwed up.
I consider doing laundry to be "fake productivity" - you're getting something done, but you're really just avoiding many other things (which are probably more mentally tasking) that you need to do. At least, that's my situation, haha.
I rarely bother with makeup, but I like it nonetheless.
I like to live in somewhat messy conditions (e.g. papers, receipts, and the like on my desk, and clothes piled on my chair - some clean, some worn) because it feels more relaxed than a highly organized space.

That road

2010-01-03T21:59:00.000-05:00

My butt's glued to the hard wooden chair; I'm plugged into my music; my mind's in another world entirely from my body. I'm lost in a history I've mostly forgotten. I mean, isn't this the way it works better? When everything happens by accident, because you aren't paying attention to it like that? For some time now I've been rollercoastering (no that's not a word) through waves of confusion, lulls, new and old interactions. Yeah, in a way, it's nice and all.

But it's like you're swimming, and then one day you come up to breathe. The air is a taste of something possibly unknown and beautiful. Inhale, exhale... if there's even the time to do that. The water is all around, though. Allowing no mercy, it takes you back. Then all you can do is keep on going.

Is it worth all the hours of a mind lost in pondering and thoughts of old? There's always the practical path. If I go that way, though, I think I lose the depth on both ends, the good and the bad. And I just might want that depth, its pain along with it.

music of the mood: Brazilian Girls – Don't Stop and iiO - Rapture (Soulside Chillout Mix)

My outlook on my skills and future, from a year ago

2010-01-03T17:07:00.000-05:00

11/10/2008:

(2:37:53 AM) me: i'm jealous
(2:38:02 AM) friend: you want to work at facebook?
(2:38:33 AM) me: sure
(2:39:14 AM) friend: want to write web code and do photoshop all day?
(2:39:42 AM) me: should i not?
(2:39:51 AM) friend: oh, i didn't know that's something you were interested in
(2:40:19 AM) me: lol
(2:40:23 AM) me: i have to try to be interested in something.
(2:40:30 AM) me: since i kinda suck at everythign artistic
(2:42:50 AM) friend: i doubt that
(2:42:56 AM) me: haha

Funny Bits #1

2009-12-29T23:33:00.009-05:00

As "lol" is probably the most overused and devalued chat acronym (at least in my experience), I always use more emphasis in my online conversations if I'm actually laughing in front of my screen. With that in mind, here goes my first little collection of (mostly kinda recent) funny quotes from online conversations...

11/9/09, 12:05 am:
friend: just didnt want you to feel guity
friend: you're not as fun when you act responsible
me: HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHA
me: ohhhh god
me: that was fantastic
me: esp in my state of mid
friend: :D
me: *mind
friend: wont ask
me: (mid wtf?)
friend: lol
me: ballroom comp~~~
me: i am not drunk
me: though myh typing might look like it

12/23/09, 12:38am:
me: ok
me: i went and cleaned out the screw-on tips of the frosting things
friend: lolo
me: ...that doesn't sound dirty AT ALL
me: but um
me: i ate all the icing i cleaned out
me: hahahaha
me: it was really good
me: ..oh god
friend: mmmomnomnom
friend: i didn't take it as dirty 'til you said it was
friend: haha
me: oh good
me: but yeah i couldn't help seeing that ;P
me: :P
friend: lol so uh
friend: you really like that icing, huh?
me: don't even start.
me: :D
friend: XD
friend: :P

12/22/09, 9:43pm
me: you also have a habit of making me jealous. :P
friend: Sorrryyyyy
me: better be.
friend: Ill share the wealth when ur nak
friend: Bak
friend: ...
friend: My phone was going to complete nak for me as naked
friend: whoich wouldve been very inappropriate
me: HAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHA
me: omg that is hilarious
me: ahhahahhahahahaha

"why do you dance?"

2009-11-13T01:07:00.003-05:00

(excerpted unedited from an online conversation I had tonight. this is my spontaneous answer.)

i've liked dance (in general, not just ballroom) for years
i love music...
the expression in it means a lot to me
uh..
when i first tried ballroom, in social lessons, somehow i got hooked
and i'd come home thinking, nothing makes me happier than this, wow
and i like the interactive part of dancing with a partner
experiencing the music together
and i guess there's always the fact that, well, i get to dance with guys, haha
as for the competitive part
i guess mainly
i want to have fun
but it also motivates me to look good while dancing (ie. technique)
and if you dance really well, it feels good. the flow and connection and the like
being in sync with the music

I love

2009-11-04T14:17:00.004-05:00

falling in love with a new song at first listen

a good hair straightener

long dangling earrings

thursday afternoon with the whole weekend ahead

massages

graphics, designs, and interfaces that are pretty, or slick, or creative

when i successfully follow a guy leading me through a step i don't actually know

salsa parties at Take the Lead

bedgasm (definition 1)

foosball games at Dow Jones. there's nothing like them.

meeting awesome friendly people

shoe shopping

fuzzy socks

cuddling

laughing

long deep conversations

communicating with real people on twitter

the muscle burns after rock climbing

for that matter, climbing a route i didn't think i'd make it through

not waking up to too-early alarms

interesting photography

geeky jokes

bathing suit shopping

chick flicks/romantic comedies

big sweatpants

hugs

pretty fonts

gorgeous weather (warm, sunny, fresh...)

writing a good blog post

great smiles

the view of the city (Philly) at night

the programmer's moment of glory (when you find that key to fixing everything after hours of deep debugging and reworking)

receiving text messages that make me smile or laugh

plaid flannel pajama pants

taking pictures

dancing

...

good things this year so far

2009-10-26T13:16:00.003-04:00

going to Chris's Jazz Cafe with David the first day I moved back

salsa parties at Take the Lead

bachata in social lessons!!

Cornell/Ithaca ballroom competition trip (including myself dancing as a leader for newcomers and of course the Green Cafe...)

social dancing at Society Hill

trying different beers...absolutely legally...

getting lunch with Grace on Tues/Thurs and pretending I belong in the SIG lab

restaurant week with Tatini, Erica, Simone, and Simone's friend

Hungarian class with Rebecca and the lacrosse guys is hilarious and awesome

spontaneous post-Hungarian dinners with Rebecca

getting to know awesome PLBD people better

Sunday brunches at Commons

realizing that I complain about band while I'm not at it (and also probably at rehearsals), but the games teach you to have fun because it's all a bit ridiculous - the scrambling, the rain, ...

my (new MacBook) laptop has an excellent battery; thus I am no longer confined to sitting within a power cord's length of an outlet whenever I go somewhere. (which is FANTASTIC by the way.)

Indian food clarinet section dinner

I now know I can take the train between Philly and Princeton Junction by myself

meeting an awesome person from Twitter face-to-face

about me [1-14]

2009-09-30T13:21:00.010-04:00

I have a "stalker number": 347. It began as my middle school ID number (technically, 00347), and since then, it tends to pop up in my life. For example, I'll catch the time at 3:47 (perhaps - unhealthy as it is - as likely to be 3:47am as 3:47pm). I probably create 50% of this phenomenon myself by being alert to instances of the number...(a psychological claim I make perhaps vaguely based on something I once learned).
I play Stepmania. (And I've already written more than one other post on this blog about it - though the search doesn't seem to catch all of them.) I'm probably as good as you can get at it without devoting all my free[?] time to playing it. Don't think I haven't put in my hours to build up my mad skillz though.
When I was little I really loved dogs. My first paid job was walking my neighbor's yellow Labrador, and in 5th grade I did a school project (with help from Dad) in which I matched people to the best dog for them by inputting their survey results as queries on a database I populated by researching dog characteristics.
ps, I'd still like to have a dog someday, I think.
I go through music obsession periods. This means I'll listen obsessively to a song or album, likely multiple times in a day, and enjoy it every time, over and over. Eventually this either fades or is displaced by the next song with which I fall in love.
When I entered college I had always been Windows all the way, which continued for the first three years with my Dell Latitude D820. When that laptop sadly developed too many problems for me to continue using it, I rather randomly decided: you know what, I want a Mac. Now here I am with it - and liking it.
I LOVE playing foosball. I played crazy one-on-one games against my brother on a crappy table (using a bouncy ball as the ball) when I was little. While interning at Dow Jones the past two summers I rediscovered it, 2-vs.-2 style, with shots too fast to believe my eyes and heaping doses of laughter sufficient to make my day.
I have always been unsure what to call my eye color. My parents say my eyes were blue when I was little. For as long as I actually remember, I've decided they're gray/green, leaning to the green side when I want to hope they're a bit more interesting. They do have a cool thin yellow ring around the pupils, thanks to my dad.
I like taking photos of facial expressions and body poses (mainly my own, for now..) that try to convey some feeling or aura or sense.
I love meeting and knowing people who are genuinely and naturally friendly/enthusiastic/upbeat.
Talking online is a way of life. I started with AIM, then stepped way up with Pidgin [<3], Adium on my Mac (--fairly satisfying minus the periods of numerous disconnections from gchat). I'm logged in to 3 accounts: AIM, gchat (Google Talk), and Facebook chat.
I started rock climbing (indoors only thus far) last winter break when a friend invited me to a nearby rock gym at home, and I fell in love with it. Would that I had a stable belay partner...
Whenever it's warm enough for them, I'm all for flip flops and sandals.
BUT: I am also very much in love with socks, particularly "fuzzy socks" (thick and warm) in various colors and designs for the winter. Looking to expand my collection of long socks too, a la American Apparel knee socks and maybe thigh-highs.
I am known for having 20-40 Firefox tabs open at any given time. Many of them are reminders to read or do such and such later. Or YouTube videos (songs, mainly) that I like to have handy.

"work" log - july 8 (why most of today was good)

2009-07-09T01:21:00.008-04:00

The weather was soooo beautiful this morning. I got to enjoy it for about 1.5 minutes while walking from the parking spot to the building at work. Take 5 (the cafe at work) always makes a few blends of Starbucks coffee, and this morning included one of my favorites - Cafe Estima. I really have to remember to bring in my mug warmer so I can make it stay warm for hours and hours.

Topics at lunch: cats hunting birds(??) and rabbits (Steve thinks rabbits are cute), squirrels, the new Transformers movie (Jackie and Yuriy liked it a lot and Steve refuses to watch it), and the comparison of heavy metal vocals to Cookie Monster.

Walking in the hall after lunch, Yuriy told me that my hair looked good. I was like "psh this is me being lazy, putting it up and not bothering to blow it dry..." but I did (after a few attempts) manage to braid my bangs (as they are getting longer) and pin them back, which I liked. I really did appreciate and was happy that he said that to me.

In foosball, the other Yuriy and I did respectably against his friend and...I forget who... I think the friend (wish I knew his name) and I may have beaten Yuriy and Shilpa? Then Srini and I made two crazy attempts to beat Yuriy and Shilpa. I'm always laughing and then my eyes start tearing because they do that easily and then I have to clear them out so I can even see to play. I never knew I could love foosball this much. Foosball quote (I believe after Shilpa scored a nice goal): Yuriy says, "You're ready for the playoffs!"; then she hits it backwards towards her own goal and says "Not really!" :)

In the afternoon, Chris came over with Jason and a couple other people. He'd just come from showing my work up on a projector in a meeting and found out no one else knew who I was, so he brought them over for introductions. (err I don't remember any of their names...) Chris recounted how recently Martin(??) had emailed him kind of randomly and asked, "Where's our intern..?" since we had moved from one area to another, across the building. Chris responded that I was down in Row T, and Martin said, "Oh...I thought we forgot her." hahaha. Then I was saying how I'm far away from everyone and don't even know who's in our group or not, so I was walked down to Row J (where Chris and Jason are) and introduced to a few more people who I may or may not remember. Then the company softball league came up, and I said how I'd tried to find out information about joining the team to which we, GTS interns, were directed. I wanted to be on the department team, not play against them, and Chris poked fun at me for my wsj.com friends (since he knows I play foosball with them) - I said "hey I have loyalties here too!" and we laughed. Jason is on a different team though, and kind of just recruited me on the spot. We walked over to the team captain's cube and he'll add me to the email list...

Not long after this little adventure, Martin ((I think)) happened to find me, down in row T. He started up this whole 10-minute chat about finding what you like to do in life (with other things thrown in), and I think I held up a nice little talk.

Towards the end of the day, I ran into an odd problem - I discovered that in the process of working on a page, I had broken an important function of the code. The thing is, I could not figure out how it had originally worked. The method that seemed to be used made no sense. Things like that reel me in, and though a bit frustrating, I want to figure it out and fix it. But that could take hours. At 6:15 or something Yuriy came down and, as he said, we had a real-life little music exchange - I played a few songs on my ipod for him.

A little earlier I had asked Jason if the softball games are held out on that field wayyy in the corner of the property, by where those department picnics were held last year (I want to do that again...). (The conversation, by the way, is courtesy of Microsoft Office Communicator - a business chat program to install which I had to go through a whole online request/approval system haha. It has actually turned out to be helpful so far.) I said I might come by to watch a bit, and he said not to laugh... :) Yuriy, being the good friend that he is, led me driving around to the parking lot that's actually near the field. The weather was still gorgeous by the way, as was the "lake" on the property. I should've attempted a picture even if it was only phone-quality. Anyway, I watched the last few innings of the game. A couple of young guys seemed really into it (interns? dunno) and a few people had cleats and there were some great hits. Watching the game made middle school softball come back to me a little - cheering for people, pitching, calling out the infield play as the next batter comes up. It's been many (in a relative, 21-year-old sense) years since I have really tried to do anything with softball, and I said to Jason afterwards that I felt like I should practice before showing up for next week's game. He told me don't worry, just come and play. I am looking forward to it.

Jason thanked me for coming to spectate. That topped off the evening nicely... aside of forgetting to actually start the car and trying to go somewhere in drive or reverse, I was in a good mood that I didn't totally understand for most of the drive.

Summer To-Do {1-10}

2009-06-22T00:17:00.004-04:00

1) Make an anklet...if I can find the embroidery thread bracelet pattern book.

2) Get a membership to the rock gym and go climbing so I might start to be good at it.

3) Actually read the things I subscribe to via Google Reader.

4) Watch some movies on the list my friends compiled for me.

5) Fix my sleep schedule.

6) Get better at foosball...haha

7) Get my photography website designed, populated, and running.

8) Clean my laptop's fan out. This probably requires removal of the keyboard, but I don't care, because it's dying.

9) Write something.

10) Email companies I would like to work for next year; ask them what I have to do between now and then to be good enough.

"work" log - june 9

2009-06-10T00:47:00.005-04:00

The rain told me this morning was made for strong Starbucks coffee, not my tea of the past few days. By the time I got there it was not raining in the Dow Jones complex, so I shed my green nylon high school track jacket and made the parking-lot walk wearing heels rather than my rain shoes. (They actually look just like this except with navy coloring in place of the green.)

During the morning I tried stubbornly to make my kind-of-not-working visual design "work" (which means "look good"). I do think it might be on its way to a state of "possibly usable". We'll see if I can fix it up well enough tomorrow.

In those few hours I waited for a text back and never got it. So I gave over a small piece of my mind to worrying about that. I should remember he's got a life too, though. I didn't know exactly when the guys (my friends from last year) were going to lunch, so I kind of gave up. It can't hurt to catch up on hours by eating at my desk anyway. I took maybe 15 minutes of time doing things not related to work on the computer and hoped no one walked by and asked why I had Twitter on the screen.

Later Yuriy came to my rescue, YAY! I emailed to ask how foosball had gone since I assumed I had missed it. He called me up at my cube and joked that I didn't need Matt's permission to come play. Then he said I must come to the 3pm game session. I was so glad for the break so I wouldn't be at my desk for the entire day straight. When I got upstairs Yuriy told Dimitri and Dean that the most important player was there and we could go...haha, right. They said we were going to play shuffleboard (table version) today and I made a face. I figured I would be no good at it. Yuriy and I lost the first game but totally won the second, with some good rounds. I was excited. In the third game, with Frank(?) in place of Dean, I think all my rounds were 0 or only 1 point. Oh well. Then we just had to play one foosball game although the rods don't spin well at all in the table in that room. I do believe Dimitri and I beat Yuriy and Frank. Yuriy then walked back with me and so now knows my location in the bottom floor corner. Oh right, what were we doing? Yeah, working...

Bonus: At the end of the day I discovered that Jason (the guy I'm working for) used to play DDR and Stepmania - haha awesome. He apologized for being a geek...so funny because there is absolutely no need.

-

I need to redesign this blog's design. Eric Fisher told me so.

Foosball is for lovers [1]

2009-06-08T23:14:00.009-04:00

Foosball seems a little obscure to me. Or at least, it's a thing of (un)finished basements that host mix-of-family-and-friends birthday gatherings. But I have a couple of personal connections with the game.

Maybe love is obscure these days. I'm not having an easy time of finding it. It's all over books and movies, but as much fun as it is to think so, those aren't real life.

One goes back to...well, I'm not sure if it would be middle or elementary school. My brother and I were the ages when we would play with toys together - Matchbox cars, "farm and construction", Legos/K'Nex, and maybe the horse barn sometimes... Yeah, I was kind of a boy. Oh well.

Playing games, telling stories, making things up. Things you might do when you're talking, smiling, laughing with someone - time to forget the world for the sake of two.

We acquired the foosball table from a family friend - she used to babysit for us, actually. I looked through pages and pages of Google image search results, but could not find any that looked remotely like that secondhand table. It was completely unsturdy on four kind-of-thin metal-tube legs, and the "table" part was a thin board that sagged towards one end. (The sagging probably made it the games a bit unfair, but I don't recall being bothered by that.) The goals were white plastic little crate-like things that stuck out from the ends with a red slider for the score, and oddly enough, the provided plastic ball (a la ping pong ball, but with yellow and red soccer-ball patterning) did not fit through the holes into the goals. We often substituted a "bouncy ball" (whatever happened to those things? 90s fad or something?). Dude I totally remember these two-colored ones! The color pairs were usually kind of ugly...

The beginning. He wasn't there. Funny that would be the case. I got really into it, though I wasn't very good. And then I had to go.

The plastic players were actually little figures - there was the red team and the yellow team, and I was usually yellow, my brother red. Some of the players were cracked across the stomach where the rod went through, and some slid along the rod so you could yank the rod way out from the side of the table. p.s.: The [one] goalie was not able to spin a 360-degree rotation - he hit the end of the table and got stuck. We didn't bother to use him much. :)

Before I left (and before he'd gone for a bit), we were together often. Days, walks, sun. Laughter, and sometimes, a moment.

My brother and I played the craziest games with that foosball table. In a one-on-one game you gotta manage 4 rods of players by yourself, so there's a lot of switching around hands and the ball movement was rather all over the place. (Only now do I see people playing with strategy in two-on-two games.) Since there wasn't much to the table, we'd be jerking it all around. If the ball got stuck in the caved-in corner, we merely gave the table a jump. We spun players like crazy except the goalies who got stuck. Before dropping the ball in after someone scored, we'd take a minute to realign the players who'd gotten inadvertently rotated on their rods during playtime. Oh and we assigned names to the players, but not people's names. We actually named them after names we had given our Matchbox/Hot Wheels cars. My yellow defenders were London (a black London taxi) and Tel. 4 (a yellow cherry picker labeled as belonging to Telephone Company No. 4, I imagine). I think the offense were a few of the race car "gang".

Things really used to drive me crazy, like my shyness, and watching him. Going up to the roof deck, and oh, those touches, because maybe they were nothing, but I liked to think they meant everything. I wondered all the time. I feared we were stuck and the reason was, well, out of our hands. How many times did I imagine?

I think we trashed or gave away that table years ago. We have a new, nice one now. I have hardly touched it for all the years since the games with the old table. All of life was going on for all the years that I didn't really play.

He didn't keep in touch much. I tried more than he did. I figured it was the way he is and mostly let it be that way. All of life was going on, anyway.

"work" log - june 2

2009-06-03T01:10:00.005-04:00

This morning I brought a teabag from home, purchased from the cafe a 15-cent, medium-sized cup of water that was so hot it hurt to carry it from Building 5 to the bottom floor of Building 1, and made tea at my desk. Observation (only a couple hours later): room-temperature tea does not taste too good. Maybe I should bring my mug-warmer from home...?

Other notes from the day...

Discussed lunchtime with Matt by email and met the guys in the cafeteria. At lunch:

There was a general conclusion that no one knows their cube number. Dimitri doesn't know his extension number, which is fine, because he doesn't give it to anyone. Matt pointed out that the phone displays the extension number.
Upon encountering a picture in the paper, Jeff thought the entire Sri Lankan army was composed of some people in wheelchairs.
As a result, Dimitri led the discussion on the optimization we'd achieve by using fewer limbs on a daily basis, and how to best keep the extras in reserve.
Matt's iPhone game is going to have true-to-reality outer space sizes/distances.

Foosball news! I played my first foosball games in probably months. Matt has gotten all intense now and perfected his stance. I suppose I managed to play decently - Matt and I beat Jeff, who was, well, a little bit unhappy. :P Maybe someday this summer I will learn how to be useful playing defense.

Yuriy missed out on all of this... He was playing soccer, apparently. Good thing there are many days yet ahead in summer. :)

home/going

2009-05-17T22:04:00.006-04:00

On Facebook, a friend just asked me what's up. I wrote back: "i'm half moved-out of my room, coming home in a couple of days, in love with dance, and pensive."

There are empty places in my room now where things like framed photos, a rack of wire cubes holding various books and other things, and a big round green chair used to be. Several large boxes (and a bunch of bubble wrap) now reside in a corner of the room; upon one box is a pile of clothes displaced from its prior location on top of the wire cubes. Yeah I've gotten messier in college, but I like that.

The boxes are an obvious reminder of the transition I will complete on Tuesday morning: going back home. Home is great, I've realized. People will say they couldn't wait to get out of their hometowns, or away from their parents or siblings, or what have you. I think my brother can't wait to go off to college this coming fall. But the longer I'm at college, the more I appreciate home. As things are right now, this is the last summer that I will be there with my family for sure. I want to hug everyone; play Guitar Hero; watch chick flicks and go out to brunch and go shopping and chill in Barnes and Noble/Starbucks with my mom; talk and laugh through the unique course of dinner conversation; eat good meals prepared by Mom (man I am so excited for food at home after a year of Wawa and dining-dollar-bought sameness and such); play a game with Dad; play ping pong; claim a mug's worth of hot water when my dad decides to make some tea; wake up and be around the goings-on of a family.

And hell, I have to take this moment. I miss Jersey. Seems like some people don't like New Jersey, and maybe that's only a few people so I don't really know anything about what people think, but I don't care. It's where I was born and raised and before Philly and Penn, before my first time living in a city - which is great by the way - I lived nowhere but Colts Neck. I'm surrounded by neighborhoods of mansions that used to be farms some day a long time ago, high school kids who drive a Lexus to school, a cute and little but nice library where I used to work, the Colts Neck Shopping Center, Delicious Orchards, and driving everywhere you want to go. I miss my mall in the next town over (not that I did ever go there much, and I still don't now), and the movie theater I go to, and strip malls and car dealerships along all the highways. And OH my gosh I can't wait for the beach. Half an hour's drive to the grid of streets, a parallel parking job that I still haven't really learned to do, and a flash of the season badge (um, need to get one) to step onto the hot sand and see the beautiful waves. There is nothing like the physical pleasure of slowly pulling off the top, stepping out of the shorts, and exposing so much skin to the heat of the sun mixed with an occasional airy touch of light wind. Delve into warm laziness.

If I may, permit me to have a summer fantasy for a moment? There's something about the beach - I think it has to do with the hazy warmth contrasted with the cold, the excitement, and the potential for fear that the water imposes. And the nighttime beach has its own magic. The air is still warm enough for shorts, the sand is cool, soft, and expansive, the dark waves are fringed with white and teasingly reach for and pull back from the sand. It's quiet, and dark. In day or night on the beach, my imagination so often includes being with a guy. I want him to hold me against the cold, dive with me through the waves, walk dripping back onto the sand, and lie down side by side under the sun. And the cool night scene is beautifully made for two alone. To pull my mind back to reality, there is an important piece that I lack. I don't know who I would want to be with me there. And so that perfect scene is left a tad unfinished, and I wonder if this summer I might get a try at it.

~

The other half of summer is imminent too. Staying here an extra week has let me push it under a mental rug somewhat, but it's there. Summer is scatter time. We go off to research abroad, jobs in California, family and vacation and work. And all the times with friends over the year coalesce into a surge of meaning, and gratitude, and sadness, in these last few days. I can't appreciate these times enough, and I have a silly little want to go back and relive them, just to make sure I enjoy them as much as I can. Thinking over these memories right now, I am so incredibly happy and thankful for friends. The talks, the laughter, the closeness: I am tempted, at moments like this, to hold those things as more important than anything. And so the beginning of summer is sad because I won't have these people in my life for a (little?) while. I will, probably, find a few friends back home at some point or other, and hope to make a few visit trips, but home friends have also scattered and are living new lives. So I'm holding onto everything that I've loved this year, and being pretty damn glad I've still got senior year left. As one friend pointed out, we're apart for four months - it's not really that bad.

bits & pieces

2009-03-30T03:13:00.006-04:00

the other night:
allegro's at 1am
blueberry beer
fmylife.com
music sharing via youtube (and some figure skating, for the old days' sake)
comfiest blanket ever??
ignoring responsible life crap that matters

and another night before that one:
indian foooood...is really good
tea
that same blanket
relationship stories and later just really talking about them
(there was prolly some youtube in there too)
...this is what makes college really meaningful to me.

different night:
salsa.salsa.salsa
i really can't balance when i spin (usually)
everyone is sooo nice...yay
friend&guys
i think i love bachata
must go social dancing [a lot] more
i'm kind of a sucker for when guys dress nicely...
steaks on south//i can't contribute to conversational topics about the world??

totally different:
i love climbing, and i don't exactly know why
seems like everyone there is nice (helpful) as well
good place to be female? O:-)
conquering top-rope routes is .. awesome
argh need to get belay-certified

i'm a geek:
cuz i'm excited to set up a mysql database ahaha
and want to swallow php whole

wanna:
go dress shopping
go shopping for clothes in general ...(ok, so i'm such a girl sometimes)
be good at dance
go social dancing...hopefully to more of a variety than mainly salsa music
go climbing like all the time hah
be with friends; i'm running out of college time

i wish i had joined PLBD in freshman year. largely so i'd be kinda good at dance by now, but also cuz i'm starting to really see how these groups bond. i don't have that - not in band, not in dance (at this point anyway, but i don't think it'll change that much), not where i live nor where i lived, not amongst my major. this doesn't mean i don't have friends; i do and i love and appreciate them. what i wish i'd experienced is group friendship (mine are all scattered from various "sources").

(2:12:50 AM) Tory: i just thought of something
(2:12:56 AM) Tory: maybe cuz of the impracticality of it all
(2:13:01 AM) Tory: it wouldn't relaly hurt to tell him
(2:13:02 AM) Tory: heh

what's sensible? no clear idea.

2009-03-08T03:44:00.004-04:00

[1] He sees me and I walk towards him. He gives me the same look, the same gesture as usual. It's something like "what gives?", which doesn't make much sense, because I don't think I've ever done anything that would deserve a "what gives?". I try to explain to him how I'm kind of dead from the week of midterms resulting in barely sleeping.

[2] Why am I having a resurgence of thoughts about him? Not much has been different recently. We have talked only a couple of times. One felt like the familiar back and forth, but the second seemed to slightly lack that warmth I was expecting.

[3] I've been worrying that I have said something wrong. Well, actually I think I did, and at exactly the wrong time. Without thinking, I plunged ahead along the lines of what had been going well, but forgot to consider the subject matter before choosing it. Then I got stuck.... He said it's okay, don't worry about it. He might just be saying that to be nice.

[1] I'm not as shy anymore, or at least not with him. I head for him to be my partner for this round of waltz. He's not so shy anymore either (unless he has always been like this and I never paid attention to these details before). He holds me in a strong frame, which I like. And he holds me closer.

[2] I'm thinking back more often than I have for awhile. Maybe the cold now makes me long for a sun that warms and for walking outside in a short-sleeved top, but I know it isn't just that. It's the heels too - especially in the grass. And the laughter, and the little craziness too, kind of.

[3] I've tried to patch it up, but now I may be on the unsure side. (Scratch that, I am on it.) Suddenly I wonder if I'm saying too much. Has anything I may have implied altered his perceptions? Because only now that I'm worrying do I feel more sure that I want to see if things might go somewhere.

[1] I feel this familiarity with him, although I'm not really sure how it's developing. We joke a bit. I have to back-lead him through the right turns, and my expression intends to poke a little fun at him, though I really do mean to help. For some reason, I might kind of like being close to him.

[2] I can't help running that time through my mind: the different parts, the little details I remember. It worked so naturally, so easily, even though I really didn't know how I was doing it. Maybe he made it easy. It was deviously, deliciously enjoyable. As we stood there, I knew what was going to happen. It did. Kind of ironic.

[3] Very coincidentally I happened to see him. We had a nice little exchange, or at least I really tried to make it that way. As we were nearing the end of the short conversation, all I wanted was some indication of a plan to see each other again. I was close to putting forth the idea, but I really was hoping he would suggest it... so I didn't. I fear being too forward, making assumptions. I hope he hasn't given up.

Today I read my horoscope, because it happened to be up on a screen in the cafe-ish place where I was. It said: "Problems in your romantic life don't have to ruin your day. Distractions abound." Well, sort of. I'm certainly distracted by all these situations. And I didn't even write about [4], [5], [6], the like.. who, once every now and again, attract my attention and thoughts.

thoughtstream 1

2009-02-27T01:12:00.005-05:00

I have such conflicting interests. My body needs sleep (really, really badly..) but my mind doesn't want to give up on this day yet; I haven't accomplished enough to pass that line at which I can go to sleep satisfied with what I did (though when do I ever reach that point anyway?).

The 320 (algorithms) exam was seriously my worst exam experience ever. I never felt so helpless looking at problems before. To not be able to even start, or formulate like half an idea, felt pathetic. I gave up mentally way before I ran out of time. The few others I've talked to came out with similarly bad feelings on it, but I doubt any of them left as much blank as I did. I should try to get 100s on everything from now on in that class. (But is that even possible?)

I think part of my reluctance to work might be that I sit at my desk for so much time that I'm actually just sick of being in this spot. In one of Ted's tweets he said he was going to work in the rooftop lounge. I'm thinking I should try working there, or in Starbucks, or even in the library (which would be a first for me). I think of "The Publick Cup" - the coffee shop by the Yale campus where Rebecca and I spent the afternoon on the Saturday of the Yale/Brown band roadtrip. The atmosphere put me in the most pleasant mood the whole time. I also think daylight helps.. So maybe I will try working in Starbucks (in Commons, or the 34th/Walnut one might be a good change as well; I love the upstairs part) or the rooftop lounge. Anything to help my work efficiency and focus is a good thing...

Dance:
This time there were more than twice as many girls as guys, but actually it turned out to be alright. I'm really starting to like that one guy who's usually there; he's really friendly and easy to joke around with when we're both not quite sure we're doing it right. He definitely helped make the lesson fun for me tonight. I wish I knew his name. Also, the instructor was one I hadn't met before - Gene - and...eh, he seemed to focus a little less on form and more on teaching us steps than Christy or Wendi. I liked the traveling step we did in waltz, and I'm happy we did some tango, since I'm out of practice with it. That gaucho move was hilarious, but I'm thinking someday instead of laughing at its initially-seeming awkwardness, I'm going to really enjoy it. Also:
1) I danced with Aaron for the last tango sequence and of course, still felt a bit awkward sometimes. ugh.
2) I want ballroom heels. They would be good practice I'm sure, and if I compete (?...!) I'm sure I'd need a pair anyway. Unfortunately,
3) Those shoes would make me even taller. They'd probably make me taller than a few more of the guys. Sometimes I wish I was a cute short height.
4) As usual, Colin was oh-so-nicely dressed. If I remember right, tonight was an argyle sweater vest. Seriously, he has such style. I want to do something like take a picture of him and send it in to a fashion blog.

I walked the five blocks back after dance quite slowly while listening to one of the songs on Kenny G's Rhythm & Romance album - I think it was the [kind of] title track. Somehow, the music was perfect for Locust Walk in the night. It wasn't too cold out, so I kind of made it into a nice stroll. When I got back, I was tired enough that I didn't think I could really do work, and all I wanted was cuddling and a movie. Neither of those were fulfilled, and I didn't do anything, just spent some time sitting and feeling sad. There's a lot of comfort in physical closeness to another human being, I think, and that's probably why I want it so much when I'm tired like this. ... I have to thank David though, who noticed from my Pidgin status that I seemed kind of down and invited me to hang out if I wanted. :)

Running into Dan while I was with Tatini at Commons made me think again that we (Tatini and whoever included, if they want) really need to hang out more. I hardly get to talk to Dan - maybe just at the beginning of 320 since a bunch of us are usually there a little early. I feel a little like I could be losing him, which is quite sad.

I am eating too many scones and muffins and other such things and substituting them for actual meals. I doubt this is good. I also want to eat at all random times these days. Damnit, I don't want to add to my stomach.

Phillip wasn't at either of the team lessons this week, so I texted him saying "where've you been" and now he thinks "someone has been missing me a lot". Uhh, or that's just what he wants to think. I missed him a little though.

While I was trying get my thinking going and produce anything of value on the 320 exam today, I realized I had a compilation of songs from my Pandora station going through my head constantly. I guess I'm listening to it too much. Maybe it's more distracting than I think, as well, but it would feel so empty for me to try to do homework in silence.

How do you become friends with someone? Usually I don't even think about this because it happens by itself. It also seems to purposefully not-happen all by itself just as naturally. I want to break that pattern, but I'd have to be not so shy as I have been, to do that.

Xav is so cute. I was heading out of the lobby and he was just coming in, so he jumps over in front of me to catch my attention and gives me a hug. :) (I think I would like the friendliness that seems to be more of a social norm in Europe. Or at least that's my uneducated perception of it.) I was telling him a bit about how I joined team and what the team lessons are like, and I feel bad that every couple of sentences I have to say "hmm?" because I didn't catch what he said, with his French accent. Anyway he doesn't seem to mind. I definitely need to figure out when we can go to Chris's again, because he even asked me on a Facebook comment and it's just too adorable of a night to pass up.

I want to go shopping - clothes, shoes, earrings. It's girly of me, I know, but I embrace that.

I think I might read (for fun, not school) before I go to sleep...it's relaxing.

All the guys in my mind/life

2009-02-24T02:06:00.006-05:00

My mind keeps going back to this. There are too many situations to think about. And as I try to manage the thoughts, I find myself sorting these guys into groups.

There are some with whom I am good friends. I am comfortable with them and our interactions are fun and easygoing. And from my point of view, we are particularly close if we share our guy/girl stories with each other, which is an exchange I find enjoyable and interesting. I value these friendships a lot.

There are some who I only know a little, but who are so so friendly to me, such truly nice human beings, that the usually short interactions I happen to have with them here and there in my life just brighten up my days so much. They make me happy, just being with them for a bit - I want to say, "I just LOVE him!" I feel so glad to have come across them in my life, even if I never end up having more of a friendship with them (though I'm sure I'd like to).

There are some who I know, and who know me, and maybe we talk sometimes but not too often, and I'm at least somewhat comfortable around them. I want to talk with them and get to know them more, but I'm a little too shy, or I'm not sure they have enough reciprocal interest, or I sense that maybe I wouldn't quite fit into their lives. I guess I might also include here a few with whom I've lost a previous connection which I think I would like to rebuild. There are occasional little steps forward, but usually they are just little steps that probably fade anyway in the big picture. (And I mean all of this in a friendship sense, mainly.)

And then there are a few who I have a sense might have some level of interest in me. Maybe I should think a little more about what I'm doing in the various situations I'm in with these guys, because usually I play it by ear and try to be my friendly (I hope) self. I have genuinely had fun times with them though. But to be most fair to them, I should work out what I think I feel, and make sure to act accordingly and honestly. The problem is how ridiculously indecisive I usually am.

On the flip side, there's the crush(es?)...I can only think of one right now whom I've labeled in my mind as a crush. I've been thinking a little about crushes, and realized I don't really know what to do about them. Usually it's a "like from afar" situation; you don't really talk to them much, just kind of glance over at them when you happen to be in the same room for awhile and try to not be awkward when you do happen to interact. If they contact you, or pay you a few moments' attention, you react similarly to "i am filled with ridiculous giddy excitement. hahahha" (quoting myself to a friend). The thing is, it's all kind of meaningless. This attraction has to be mostly superficial, because you don't know the person well enough for it to be more deeply based, anyway. Maybe you can get to know them more, but then it's almost like picking someone randomly, because a crush-level attraction is no guarantee for an attraction on the personality level (which is extremely important, I believe). Once I got this far in my thinking, I felt kind of sad that it's probably pointless to hold onto this crush (or any, basically)...yet, I don't want to give up, because those silly moments of excitement do come along with it all, and I have something to hold onto, no matter how much it might not really matter. If it could turn out to matter, I would probably be ridiculously happy.

Finally, the category which no guy is filling for me right now - one who I really like, with whom I feel comfortable and compatible; we laugh easily and I want to talk with and spend time around him, and I want something more intense than friendship with him. Such is most elusive though, it seems.

Heaven (Ian Pooley)

2009-02-22T01:34:00.010-05:00

Last night I was doing some reading for psych (since the week has been crazy, and I felt like I hadn't done reading for that class in forever) and listening to Pandora, to which I've turned these days since Ruckus went out of business. Since I've spent the majority of my Pandora listening time developing my "light trance and such" station, I have learned that Pandora tends to play mostly my "thumbs-up" songs for awhile, but if I keep on listening for a few hours, it'll start to throw in new ones that I haven't heard before. So I'm just sitting there in my big round green chair, reading and taking notes, when the song that comes on catches my attention. I don't think the station has played it before, but I know for sure that I know it, and I also know it's a Hed Kandi song. (I went on a Hed Kandi streak for awhile, second semester of sophomore year, and collected maybe 20 or so songs on YouTube from various mix albums... I haven't listened to much of that music recently, though.) After a minute I get up to see which one it was, and it turns out to be an instrumental version very similar to the one I actually know (video above).

I can't help it - I fall into the feeling of the music. Whoever decided to put this song on a Beach House album had the right kind of thinking going on. Suddenly, sitting in my room at Penn in the winter, all I want is the heat, the sun, the utter laziness, the brightness, the sand...of summer at the beach. I want to stretch out on a towel, "working" on my tan, enjoying the feeling of freedom brought on by near-nakedness. And I want a boy with me. I want to go down to the water together, I want to be all shy the way I am about the cold water, I want him to splash and tease me and then hold me in a gesture indicative of warmth - more symbolic than actually helpful. I want to ride and dive through the waves together, and hey maybe he can teach me to bodysurf, since I've never really been able to get it. And when we're tired and happy, we'll go back and lay down to dry in the sun. We'll move closer, and we'll close our eyes and kiss - because even if other people see us, we've got our own world right now.

What I feel like doing right now instead of working

2009-02-17T22:41:00.003-05:00

I want to go back to the summer for a bit, when it would be warm and sunny outside and I looked forward to lunch... I'd read the Wall Street Journal in print, since pieces of that day's paper were scattered across random lunch tables in the carpeted, skylight-ed, comfy-chaired Dow Jones cafeteria anyway, and I'd like the feeling that maybe I understood something about what was happening in the world. And then Matt and I would usually go outside, and finally - finally - I wouldn't have to be cold for awhile. We'd walk around the building, often laughing over ridiculous stories (okay...his stories not mine, because I don't have too many, relative to him) and how I sometimes stumbled over my heels and how I had issues trying to make his iPhone scroll. It was an interesting summer in a number of ways, and often made me think beyond the mostly-sureness of college to what might come afterwards.

Even though I'm a bit sick (and of course only because I am actually a little sick do I suddenly once again appreciate breathing through mostly clear nasal passages and being able to swallow without feeling that little weird pang in any part of my mouth or throat), another part of me wants to jump back to the cruise after senior year of high school with the group of students led by my Spanish teacher. I want to be in a world totally different from my world right now, with days spent seeing beautiful buildings, drooling a little over the things sold in little street shops, eating too much gelato, and gazing off the back of the cruise ship at its huge wake in the aqua blue Mediterranean - and nights spent dressing up for dinner and later going to the "dee-sco" where, once I got up the courage, I'd squash onto the crowded tiny dance floor, getting lost in the infectious European house and dance beats, and occasionally, getting awfully close to the hot Italian boys we met. And I definitely intend both meanings of "hot".

Earlier today I was thinking, as I have now and then recently, of the night of the Take the Lead anniversary party last semester. I got to dress up and I was really happy with how my hair turned out. I met up with Xavier, my French-exchange-student friend, and Amr, my Egyptian friend, both of whom I met through the PLBD social dance lessons. (And I think it's crazy awesome knowing guys from France and Egypt.) They were both dressed really nicely, of course. Once we made it to the studio (via the Penn Transit van...interesting experience), we chatted, enjoyed food, took pictures. Then I got to see so many amazing dance performances - I kept turning around to Xavier, telling him (with a borderline-ridiculous level of excitement) how much I wanted to learn that one too, and he seemed just as excited. Later they put on music for social dancing... Xav and I attempted salsa with hilarious half-successful results that often got our arms into some kind of pretzel configuration. I danced cha cha (or something like it, since I had no idea how to do it) with a seemingly sketchy guy - and tried to get away quickly afterwards. Upon hearing a song for which I could not identify the dance, I asked Senthil, and thus received my first bachata lesson. I loved it! This also included the story I now tell people probably too often: he asked "Would you like me to dip you?" I guess I said okay, and it was really crowded so I accidentally kicked someone! It's always a funny memory. My night was completed when I walked back with Xav and Amr and enjoyed an amusing conversation.

In opposition to all of that, I have mathematics programming ahead of me, I'm tired, and whatever else. I don't know. I want some sunny intrigue, some of another world, some sexy Latin dancing, some sweet guy friends...

text message 1

2009-02-15T12:07:00.000-05:00

sent: jan 26, 4:41pm
from: me

"Lol i tend to separate liking someone from acting on it. Not that i really act anyway. I respect relationships but could still like a taken guy."

I just realized, or realized again

2009-02-09T01:37:00.003-05:00

Penn is crazy, and the scope of my life is ridiculously limited. At dance lessons last semester I met a guy from Egypt. I actually had no idea he was from there until a conversation something like this:

Friend: "My friend and I are going to [some salsa event], would you like to come?"
Me: "Oh...is that over fall break?"
Friend: "Yeah it is."
Me: "Aww man, I'd love to but I'm going home for break."
Friend: "Where's home for you?"
Me: "Oh just New Jersey, it's really close. Where are you from?"
Friend: "Egypt."
Me: "Ohh....!"

He's a really nice guy. I met up with him and a friend of his for dinner at Greek Lady one time. If I remember correctly, his friend is Arab, but American-born. Throughout dinner they discussed things like the politics and the world's view of the Middle East. I hardly said anything because I had no knowledge of the subjects. Later, walking back with just my friend, he said, "Wow that must have been the most boring dinner ever for you!" I told him no, definitely not, it was really interesting to listen to their thoughts.

Penn students come from ALL over the place. One of my roommates is from outside Las Vegas and the other is from Hong Kong and has lived in Canada and Australia. Among the three of us we run across differences as well as similarities in our growing up experiences. But honestly, wow. I am impressed by students who come from other countries, especially ones more different from the US than others, to spend their entire undergraduate college education here. Already, though, I'm assuming levels of difference. Honestly I have no idea what it's like to grow up in Egypt or India or Europe or wherever else I'm thinking of as "much different". There are probably more experiences in common with my own than I might guess. This is the "modern world" after all. Still, to think that I come in contact with these people, that they now lead lives very much like mine (we're on the same campus), kind of blows my mind. Yet I rarely stop to contemplate these ocean-spanning links - except for moments like right now, or when I see that one of their Facebook networks is a country on another continent. I should feel privileged to have such a worldly collection of people practically at my doorstep for four years, and try to connect with more of them.

Exchange students are a similar boat of people, but could be even more impressive... I met a French exchange student at dance - totally adorable, enthusiastic about salsa and jazz, friendly as anything. He's definitely got a French accent, and usually I have to speak a little more carefully for him and sometimes explain what something is (try football...). Yet here he is, studying engineering at Penn for goodness' sake. And on the flip side, a friend of mine in DMD just spent a semester studying in New Zealand and sometimes I can hardly get my mind around that, and I'm not even the one who went! I just can't imagine living a piece of life in what seems, to me, like a different world.

It's all just awesome. I think if I were to go to places around the world, what I might find most interesting would be not the history, the food, the monuments or whatever...but the people, and their lives.

everything in sync

2009-01-30T02:01:00.000-05:00

My brothers got me an iPod for Christmas. It's my first one ever; cute little radiant-purple nano. Since I like to try to be mostly legal with music, I've only got three albums on it so far, all of which I purchased from Amazonmp3. This current lack of variety is but a small issue, though, because walking across campus with music is a million times better than walking across it in silence and thinking only about being late. (I usually am.) Sometimes it makes me feel like I'm living in a movie - the soundrack is playing in my head.

Today (well...fine, yesterday) I was walking on Locust, scheduled day done and already in a pretty good mood. The last part of my scheduled day had been cancelled, it was Thursday so I'd basically reached my weekend, and I had just parted ways with Grace (as she was off to an art class of course) with whom I'd been talking about dance. I started listening to "Rikki" by Mylo. I like to think that some kind of instinctual sense guides humans to move with the rhythm of music they're hearing, but since that's probably not the case, I at least know that I like to walk in sync with the beat of whatever song I'm listening to. Maybe this is a leftover from marching band. For whatever reason, this time, I was walking in sync. I love the song and it fed straight into my good mood. There are certainly some things in my life that are not how I want them to be right now, but while listening to that song, I was immersed in this feeling that everything was in sync, not just myself and the music. So for that little bit, the music freed me from whatever stresses are tying me down and just gave me a happiness.

I'm starting to sound sappy, wow. I'll just say, it was quite a good moment.